Episode 131 - The Covenant

[Cameron H. 23786]

Whoa, whoa, whoa--Wait a second! I can't believe I didn't catch this before. So the movie opens with them base jumping off a cliff to go to a beach party, but when the cops come to break it up a few minutes later they're parked deep in the woods with everyone else? Nice try, Renny Harlin! And don't give me that "it's magic" crap either! That's a bullshit excuse for sloppy film making.

 

And while I'm on the subject of the party, and perhaps this reveals too much about myself, but is it normal for an illegal beach party to have a fully erected stage and professional DJ gear? It just seems like a lot of stuff to dismantle when you know your party is probably going to be broken up by the cops anyway.

 

My final thought, after which I can finally put this ridiculous movie behind me forever, I did have a genuine chuckle during the title cards sequence. It's not really a big deal, and I'm not sure if I will be able to articulate it properly, but when it says, "...many escaped the brutal witch hunting in England and France by coming to America. As the brutal persecution of those with Power spears throughout Massachusetts..." aside from the repeated use of the word "brutal" (as mentioned in the episode), it's just so damn clunky. It's insane, not only because they're basically teleporting the audience from one continent to another in a rather jarring manner, but they immediately follow the statement "many escaped," (past tense, suggesting they succeeded in escaping their persecution) with "As the brutal persecution...spears throughout Massachusetts" (present tense, as in "Actually, we lied. They didn't escape shit, and coming to America--where the thing they were trying to escape was also happening--was actually a really stupid idea.")

 

Then again, if I were a witch with all the powers of Jean Grey, I don't see why they would want to settle near anyone who would persecute them anyway. Why not just find a little hidey-hole far from anyone who would want to harm you and your family?

 

Oh well, sorry for getting off topic. We can all get back to talking about radio stations in Texas and the coastal geography of Massachusetts now.

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

How have we not brought up the absoludicrous scene where Caleb take a friend to his old family home and promptly gets shot by Gorman the caretaker? He says afterward that Gorman has poor vision, but wouldn't that make him even more careful to not get out of the car into the open before he's sure that Gorman's Mr. Magoo-style vision hasn't misidentified him or his new-to-Gorman companion as a threat?

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

They say that the young lady whose skirt they flip "hasn't worn panties since she was 12."

 

How... do... they... know!?!

[mkgrenwel 6]

How have we not brought up the absoludicrous scene where Caleb take a friend to his old family home and promptly gets shot by Gorman the caretaker? He says afterward that Gorman has poor vision, but wouldn't that make him even more careful to not get out of the car into the open before he's sure that Gorman's Mr. Magoo-style vision hasn't misidentified him or his new-to-Gorman companion as a threat?

 

 

I think we can give the benefit of the doubt here and say that was just a warning shot.

[mkgrenwel 6]

Whoa, whoa, whoa--Wait a second! I can't believe I didn't catch this before. So the movie opens with them base jumping off a cliff to go to a beach party, but when the cops come to break it up a few minutes later they're parked deep in the woods with everyone else? Nice try, Renny Harlin! And don't give me that "it's magic" crap either! That's a bullshit excuse for sloppy film making.

 

Again, giving the benefit of the doubt, there could be a way down from the cliffs to the beach, The forest would be on the edge of the cliffs, so essentially all the partygoers drove up as close as they can get and then take the steps or the path around the cliffs or whatever it is. The witches, deciding to be badass, just drop down over the cliffs because they can, and it's shorter than taking the stairs. The scene back at the cars would take place after everybody has climbed back up to the top of the cliffs.

 

There is really no excuse or explanation for how and why high schoolers are throwing an elaborate party complete with a DJ booth completely out in the open, though.

[Cameron H. 23786]

 

Again, giving the benefit of the doubt, there could be a way down from the cliffs to the beach, The forest would be on the edge of the cliffs, so essentially all the partygoers drove up as close as they can get and then take the steps or the path around the cliffs or whatever it is. The witches, deciding to be badass, just drop down over the cliffs because they can, and it's shorter than taking the stairs. The scene back at the cars would take place after everybody has climbed back up to the top of the cliffs.

 

You're probably right. It's been over a week since I watched it, so I'm probably hazy on the details. For some reason, I thought they drove right up to the cliff before they jumped. If that were the case, it would have required them to jump down, then one of them run back up, park their vehicle with everyone else, and then walk (jump?) back down to the party. Maybe they did just walk to the cliff...

 

Renny Harlin--wherever you are--you have my sincerest apologies.

[SaraJanda 0]

Zac Efron aged properly.

[GloriaDrewArt 22]

Fairly certain the reigning champion of Nailing Puberty is Joseph Gordon Levitt, with a solid runner up in Jay R. Ferguson.

[Amy the Gorilla 732]

I almost forgot! On the subject of child actors who grew up to be attractive, I just recently watched the Rafi and Dirty Randy Episode of the league and saw David Krumholtz... Who totally is one of those... At least to me anyway.

 

 

^You have no idea how much I loved that movie (and the first one as well) as a kid. "Life with Mikey" also played on a non-stop loop on some movie channel back in the 90's and I would watch it every time it came on.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

"Life with Mikey" also played on a non-stop loop on some movie channel back in the 90's and I would watch it every time it came on.

I used to love that movie when I was younger. If you haven't seen it recently, though, I would recommend not doing so.

 

The Addams Family movies have held up pretty well. Life with Mikey waaay less so.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

Well shit we can throw Christina Ricci into the mix too.

[StevenWilliams 6]

Just gonna point out another "possible" inconsitancy. It was established that Caleb was very concerned about unnecessary use of magic. He chastised his friends for the innocent prank of blowing up a girls skirt in the bar. Something that would have been a big stretch for anyone to even connect with magic. Yet at the end of the movie Caleb uses magic to reconstruct the broken windshield of his car in front of a dozen or more firemen. This didn't need to be done. He could have drove away as it was or called a tow truck, etc.

 

So is this an inconsitancy or..... was it put in delibrately to show that Caleb was going to be an addictive mis-user just like his dad?

[EllenM 943]

To be completely honest, I don't feel entirely comfortable judging how attractive or unattractive child stars have once they've grown up. If they're unattractive, it just feels kind of mean, and if I've seen them as a child, it seems a bit icky.

 

And to be clear, I don't think any of these people were ever "bad" looking. They were all adorable in their own awkward ways.

 

I disliked this exercise but totally agree with Cameron H. There's a difference between guys and girls here that I'm noticing. It's not like Scarlet Johansson, Michelle Trachtenburg and Alexa Vega surprisingly turned out to be hot. They were cute/attractive girls in the first place, they eventually grew up/matured and it was acceptable to find them hot.

 

There's also that trope where the mom shows the new girlfriend baby photos of the boyfriend, which I find is in play here. It's really bizarre to show evidence of someone you find physically attractive at a time when they were not. Perhaps that is the point of the trope but, we all know that objectively there was a time when your significant other wasn't sexually attractive. There's no need for proof of it.

 

I almost forgot! On the subject of child actors who grew up to be attractive, I just recently watched the Rafi and Dirty Randy Episode of the league and saw David Krumholtz... Who totally is one of those... At least to me anyway.

 

 

I was totally thinking about Krumholtz too but wasn't going to post it because he's a friend of Paul and Jason's. You know how it's sometimes weird when someone tells you that your friend is attractive and you're like "...I guess I see it."

[Amy the Gorilla 732]

 

I was totally thinking about Krumholtz too but wasn't going to post it because he's a friend of Paul and Jason's. You know how it's sometimes weird when someone tells you that your friend is attractive and you're like "...I guess I see it."

 

 

Actually I kind of figured as much, I just didn't think about it like that. whoops.

[phil2k 13]

Definite Omission:

Guys. GUYS. How has no one talked about the moment right at the end of the last scene at the mansion before everyone leaves to go to the dance where grown-up Draco Malfoy bumps into the stuffed cheetah as he tries to leave? It's around 1h16min into the (fucking terrible) movie. We have a closeup on the mother, and in the background Draco tries to turn, hits the cheetah, looks startled, turns to see what he hit, rearranges it, looks back at Caleb and the blonde girl who are no longer there, rearranges the cheetah again, and then, finally, exits! My wife and I watched that scene over and over and over, and expected Paul and Jason and Alison to talk about nothing else for the entire episode...maybe that was the best take they got...

[Amy the Gorilla 732]

Guys. GUYS. How has no one talked about the moment right at the end of the last scene at the mansion before everyone leaves to go to the dance where grown-up Draco Malfoy bumps into the stuffed cheetah as he tries to leave? It's around 1h16min into the (fucking terrible) movie. We have a closeup on the mother, and in the background Draco tries to turn, hits the cheetah, looks startled, turns to see what he hit, rearranges it, looks back at Caleb and the blonde girl who are no longer there, rearranges the cheetah again, and then, finally, exits! My wife and I watched that scene over and over and over, and expected Paul and Jason and Alison to talk about nothing else for the entire episode...maybe that was the best take they got...

 

 

This part?

 

 

I didn't even notice that while watching.

(Also, Yes, I can make gifs)

[phil2k 13]

That's it! Thanks so much, because I can't make gifs.

[KiraTerres 0]

this guy does critical reviews/discussions of media through the lense of the queer community. he did an episode about the Covenant a while back. definitely worth the watch. some amazing thoughts on the homoerotic themes throughout as well as astute critiques of the film as a whole.

 

[SuzanneStoryLaBrie 0]

Love the episode but just want to clarify, Ipswich is on the north shore, near Essex. Not south shore. Pulheeze!! Anyone really from Massachusetts should know that!!

[DanEngler 5249]

We're really maxi-padding the thread this week, you guys.

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

Love the episode but just want to clarify, Ipswich is on the north shore, near Essex. Not south shore. Pulheeze!! Anyone really from Massachusetts should know that!!

It'd be great if Paul NOT address this correction on the mini-episode, or maybe say that he checked Google Maps and it turns out, Jason was right all along and it's the boards who are wrong.

[RyanSz 3140]

On the subject of child actors that got hot, I kept seeing an article pop up on different sites that said something like "You won't belieeeeeeeeeve what these former child stars look like now", accompanied by a picture of Natalie Portman or someone that I know I've seen AT LEAST a time or two since they were kids. Anyway, I check out the article (strictly for research, I assure you) and quickly learn that "got hot" means that they stopped wearing glasses, that they got the braces off, that they got a haircut that wasn't indicative of the time when they were popular, or that they simply became adults. Some of them were mildly surprising because there were some real one-hit wonders that I hadn't seen in 20 years, while others (like the blonde side character in Harry Potter) were people that literally grew up right in front of our eyes that have maybe been off of the mainstream radar for a couple of years.

 

Other ridiculous related lists: "What do the guys from your favorite emo bands look like now?" (Spoiler alert: Haircuts) and "What do Game of Thrones stars look like in real life?" (Also haircuts, and they look like they shower)

There's another one that is going around where it features the female sidekick from the Rob Diedreck show Ridiculousness, posted next to a photo of a male child actor who I vaguely remember from a old family show that starred Brittany Murphy as a kid. The implication being that this male actor transitioned to a female, and from the photos they do look eerily alike. Yet a bit of research shows that it is just blatant libel on the part of the author as they are two completely separate people. Another great one was "actors who you were married but later came out as gay" with the accompanying photo being Lou Diamond Phillips. I clicked it because I thought to myself "wow, didn't know he was gay," but in reality it was his ex-wife who later came out and was at one time the girlfriend of Melissa Etheridge.

[RyanSz 3140]

Possible Correction/Omission:

 

Regarding the bar that the kids end up going to a few times, where I lived and as a trope in movies, there always seemed to be a bar that would allow the more well off/cool kids in despite them being underage, mainly because they were from the more well to do side of town. Unfortunately, since there are no geeks or true poor kids in this movie, everyone is allowed in the bar, giving it the Peach Pit After Dark vibe. Also regarding Winter Soldier's ID being found in the dead kids car, it wasn't just as if it was on the floor like it might have fallen out of his pocket when he reached in to pick something up, the principal says it was found in the backseat, after the kid already lied right to his face about not knowing the kid or seeing him. This leads me to conclude that this school is so in the red that the principal is willing to look the other way in regards to a potential murder of one of his students by another student who just so happens to have a dowry attached to his acceptance into the academy.

 

Also, regarding the child actors who did or did not live up to their potential/hotness, I don't know if this has been mentioned already because I'm too tired to read through this thread that's blown up in a day but here is the one for sure actor who succeeded in both aspects.

 

[DeathToMikeyBay 130]

Constant emphasizing that you can't use your power because it ages you, especially after "ascension" at 18. Then the villain, who has constantly used it for everything since 18, is still able to pass for a high school student years later.

 

Not only is the final battle boring (especially considering all the crazy powers they're supposed to have), but it doesn't make sense. The main character isn't doing that bad against the villain, but we're constantly told HE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE UNTIL HE ASCENDS. He ascends, and seems like he'll eventually win, but then we're told HE NEEDS HIS FATHER TO WILL HIM HIS POWER. His father wills him his power, and there is no noticeable increase in his fighting ability. He just goes on to eventually win same as before.

 

 

Renny Harlin is terrible and he ruined Geena Davis.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

There's another one that is going around where it features the female sidekick from the Rob Diedreck show Ridiculousness, posted next to a photo of a male child actor who I vaguely remember from a old family show that starred Brittany Murphy as a kid. The implication being that this male actor transitioned to a female, and from the photos they do look eerily alike. Yet a bit of research shows that it is just blatant libel on the part of the author as they are two completely separate people.

No it's Lee Norris from Boy Meets World when he played Minkus! I saw that one literally just the other day cause it was part of a bunch of ads at the bottom of the Lilly Wachowski article.