Episode 139.5 - Minisode 139.5

[JulyDiaz 2797]

Paul, June, and Jason unbox Viewer Mail, we hear what's the deal with the crab in Simply Irresistible from director Mark Tarlov, find out what our next magical movie will be watching, and learn how to stop face waterfalls. Plus, Corrections and Omissions for Simply Irresistible! Send your own voicemail explanation hopes for Paul to answer by calling 619-PAUL ASK. If you want to check out Blake Harris’ interview with director Mark Tarlov go over to www.slashfilm.com.

 

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace.

 

 

WATCH Filthy Preppy Teen$ on the FullScreen App today! Get yourself a BB-8 “What Is Its Mission?” T-shirt or Tote Bag over at http://howdidthisgetmade.bigcartel.com/ Set your DVRs for Party Over Here, a new FOX sketch comedy show from The Lonely Island and Paul starring Nicole Byer, Jessica McKenna, and Alison Rich. It airs Saturdays at 11 pm. People of the internet: Watch Paul in Fresh off the Boat on ABC. Awhile ago, Paul and Rob Huebel did a comedy special on a 60 foot glass bus that traveled around LA. Now you’ll be able to see it. Go to https://itun.es/us/3M4J9 now to buy it! You can also see Jason and June in Lady Dynamite on Netflix! Also, check out June in Grace and Frankie available on Netflix, and in all the episodes of NTSF:SD:SUV:: on HULU for free, and Jason in The Dictator (he’s still in it!).

[Kickpuncher 5012]

Can't wait for the first "mini"sode that crosses the one hour mark.

[OoofMaGOOF 348]

So when is ep 140 out? This Friday? Next Sunday? When the moon is full?

 

Free podcast, I know. But oof man.

[jarrycanada 2483]

Here you go paul!

 

I was all set for mannequin one the beginning... now I got to get mannequin 2 : On the Move!

[Smigg 1488]

God damn, I write a long ass Sharknado pitch, just as the mini ep comes out, great timing as always haha.

[jarrycanada 2483]

what is it june does it have a mission?

 

don't go facing

.

[Smigg 1488]

Not heard that song for ages, and despite my "metal" proclivities, it was a good song.

[Smigg 1488]

You know what, fuck it, I'm quoting it here too, I like it too much haha

 

Oh shit, I think I have it! I think I have Sharknado 5's story, or "Sharknado 5: Obvious 'Quint' Reference"

 

A small scale Sharknado hits a small industrial complex in the middle of nowhere, the small area is absolutely decimated, but minimal casualties, it's deemed to be no big deal, however, a few million dollars of damage is caused, but because of the huge, catastrophic Sharknado's in the previous 4 movies, nobody really cares, just get a "Huh? That's weird?". Then a couple of weeks later, it happens again, slightly bigger, but again, industrial area, the area is damaged, but minimal casualties.

 

People remain on High Alert, but a Presidential Advisor (played by Neal McDonough) calls for calm, these are isolated incidents, and no casualties, these areas are priorities to be rebuilt ASAP.

 

Finn is keeping an eye on these Sharknado's, and he's baffled, there's no warning signs, these places aren't anywhere near the coast, how is all this happening?! A third Sharknado tears through Detroit, and it's HUGE, it came out of nowhere, and there's billions of dollars of damage done, people are dead, whatever remaining industry is there has been wiped out, even the Detroit Lions stadium his destroyed, but a Sharknado that size doesn't dissipate that quicky... until this one, it just disappeared, like a switch was hit, it was gone as quick as it arrived... but that can't be possible.

 

It wasn't... but it is now... we go to a control centre, a scientist is jubilant "The third test is a rousing success, I think we can commence Operation: Hammerhead, where do you want to start?!"

 

The camera pans around... it's Neal Fucking McDonough!!

 

"Well, nowhere in America, there's been three of these things happen, people are going to be prepared for it... hmmm... take out somewhere in Germany, there hasn't been one there, they won't expect it"

 

NEAL MCDONOUGH CAN CONTROL SHARKNADOS!

 

Now there are Sharknados forming, and they're heading towards Germany, England, Austalia, Japan, China, South Korea, and wherever else has strong industry, each of them would out manufacturing, and global business. McDonough seems to know this before anybody else, before even the weather forecasters, how would a Presidential Advisor know that?

 

Finn starts to think that McDonough is behind this, he's right, but he tells anyone, he'll be thought of as a nutcase, because "You can't control the weather, and if you could, why would they create the most devastating weather phenomena known to man?!" more importantly, where would they even carry it out without anybody noticing.

 

Under the White House, that's where!

 

With the world's armies preparing to provide aide to the victims of the Sharknado Barrage and evacuate major cities they're not going to welcome the Conspiracy Theorist to say "Come to the White House to kill this guy", Finn tirelessly looks through the internet, trying to find a group of mercenaries to help him take out McDonough, and he's got a group of bad asses, Danny Trejo, Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Michael Madsen, Rutger Hauer, Danny Dyer, Tamer Hassan, Tony Jaa and Michael Jai White.

 

After hacking into the White House's Command Centre (somehow, don't ask me how, I'm not some fancy screen writer), he tells his Mercenaries, "You take McDonough... I'm going Shark Fishing". After being spotted, an alarm is pushed, now there's a "Terrorist Attack at the White House". The team fights through White House security, and McDonough's own guards, they're going to take McDonough out and save the day... until Vinnie Jones, Danny Dyer and Tamer Hassan turn on their partners. They were with McDonough this whole time.

 

Vinnie Jones gets on the radio to Finn, who is in a fighter jet with Rob Riggle, says "McDonough's down, but we don't know what the fuck we're doing here, and the demolition team can't blow the command centre until we shut down these Sharknados, you need to be here to do it!"

 

Riggle and Finn make their way to the White House, meeting the demolition team of Austin, White and Jaa, they ask what he's doing there, they heard nothing of what Jones said, so the 5 of them go into the White House to investigate, they find the command centre, as the door shuts behind them, Jones, Hassan and Dyer have rifles behind them, and they're told to drop their weapons, McDonough turns around in his comically huge "Bad Guy" chair, and Finn says "Why?! Why would you destroy the lives of billions of people?"

 

"Supply and Demand" replies McDonough. "If I can make Sharknados, Finn, what else can I make?"

 

"What?!"

 

"Rain! I can make it rain!!" He clicks the button on a remote control, causing torrential downpours in Africa. "You see, rain is water, water makes plants grow, plants feed animals, and create crops, crops that can be harvested, and exported, that brings in money, that money can be invested into business, and that business exports more products, more products mean more money, which creates more business, which then means even more money... for me, you see, I have syphoned off billions of dollars of taxpayer money, without anybody even noticing, it's quite genius how I did it, but I won't waste time telling you, it doesn't matter to this part of the story, but I have invested heavily in Africa, and now, I'll make it pay off.", McDonough then clicks off the rain.

 

"But why do you have to destroy these places"

 

"They're my competition, if they can't compete, everybody will have to come to me. And, before you ask, 'Why Sharkados?" Well, if I was to just blow these places up, we're going to war, because I ain't taking the heat for this, if we go to war, I then have to wait to get this up and running, and even then, I can't just make it rain with a click of a button. Sharknados are "Natural Disasters", can't pick a fight over the weather. It's business, and I'm going to make a killing... after this killing of course..." and just as the turncoats raise their guns, we have the "Stupid Sharknado moment", where Steve Austin hits his "Stone Cold Stunner" finishing move

 

 

And the fight in the control centre is on, the longer the fight goes, the closer the Sharknados get to forming, Finn manages to kill McDonough, and hit the abort button, just before the Sharknados really form and do any damage. Finn has saved the world, again. As Finn and a couple of his guys are walking out, one asks, are we gonna blow it up? Finn says "No, I have an idea", Finn clicks the remote to start the African rain, putting an end to the decades long draught, saving millions of lives.

 

The command centre is actually used for good, as Nova is given a new Presidential Advisor position, working in the command centre, and using McDonough's technology to prevent weather based disasters, and to end it on a fun note, Finn calls her, says "I'm on vacation... could you do me a favour?" Nova says "Just this once, I like this job!" she turns a knob, and the weather where Finn is gets warmer, says "That's perfect" and starts sunbathing.

 

I wrote Sharknado 5, just for the hell of it. I need a hobby.

[jarrycanada 2483]

You know what, fuck it, I'm quoting it here too, I like it too much haha

 

I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I think you've placed too much work into that.

 

Ohh well.

 

 

where the hell is everyone?

[Smigg 1488]

 

I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I think you've placed too much work into that.

 

Ohh well.

 

You'd think that, just off the top of my head after feeling a bit creative when it just hit me, stream of conciousness whilst I'm bored as fuck with a back injury.

[Turk71 58]

Still no "Dragonheart"?

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/508/377/be4.gif

[taylor anne photo 11311]

Gosh I'm actually surprised which of my comments he chose! But yay anyway! I love that Paul enjoys my feminist rants on these boards lol.

 

Also Cameron, I feel bad that you started that conversation about SMG and Amanda Peet and didn't get proper credit!

 

Oh and yes Paul I do think it's still cheating and messed up if Amanda Peet was a ghost lol. Unless she can't see Amanda Peet. Then that's when the lines are blurred.

 

Wait... Wasn't there a JLo movie where she was a ghost trying to help out her husband/fiance/boyfriend move on???

[Smigg 1488]

I think that was Eva Longoria, "Over Her Dead Body", an ice sculpture landed on her at her wedding.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

I think that was Eva Longoria, "Over Her Dead Body", an ice sculpture landed on her at her wedding.

YES! Shit now I feel bad for that mix-up.

[Smigg 1488]

Holy shit, I think I must have an eidetic memory for films

 

 

Over Her Dead Body, starring Eva Longoria (Parker), ice sculpture landed on her.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

Omg I just looked this up on IMDB and the original title was "How I Met My New Boyfriend's Dead Fiancee or: Ghost Bitch"

 

That's certainly a mouthful. Also Ghost Bitch just takes me back to Death Spa. I want one movie to actually be titled Ghost Bitch.

[Smigg 1488]

I think we have another candidate for an episode of the podcast, especially on the revalation that it was going ot be called "Ghost Bitch", in fact, that's what it's known as for me now.

 

So, the shortlist is

 

Mortal Kombat Annihilation

Ready to Rumble

Ghost Bitch

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

Eff yeah Mannequin 2! I'm probably the only person who has seen this one many times but never seen the first. This movie was on tv a lot when I was growing up and I liked it because Kristy Swanson was Buffy (before SMG). Two Buffys in a row! Also if you don't know "Designing Women" you need to binge it immediately.

 

Regarding "Charles in Charge." I question Paul's interpretation of the house being Charles' jurisdiction. The theme says he's in charge of our days and our nights and the kids spend the day in school, right? Even if that's just at home, does that mean "Charles in Charge" is some kind of fascist state? He's our fuhrer and the rest of us have no say? I don't think this is a good message to send to children.

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

this is surprisingly hard to find over here ... do the gang not use netflix or something? .. sorry, i'm annoying i know .. repeating myself over and over ... and over .. i think the conjuring 2 put me in a bad mood. awful. amazing actors but .. the money must have been amazing .. i think a 12 year old wrote it ...

 

anyways .. guess ill be using the movie club again this week, dont know who runs it but thank you.

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

i hope they can release a recording of the fast nein reading ...sounds fun. i made a couple of posters for it last week and a little video. i'll put them in a spoiler just in case anyone is offended by such material.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cameron H. 23786]

Gosh I'm actually surprised which of my comments he chose! But yay anyway! I love that Paul enjoys my feminist rants on these boards lol.

 

Also Cameron, I feel bad that you started that conversation about SMG and Amanda Peet and didn't get proper credit!

 

 

No big deal! Yours was much more elegant and eloquent anyway

and the truth is in your face when you hear the British canons go BOOM!

 

 

It's better coming from you anyway. It's kind of your "brand" now.

 

I was most surprised by his reading my second one... I felt like I had already got thoroughly put in my place by the forum when I first brought it up, so it was kind of weird to bring up something a number of people already didn't agree with, but whatever. Wasn't my favorite comment in the world anyway. Although...one good thing that could possibly come out of it would be if either First Time Caller or Jarry Canada would Photoshop an image of Mr. Scheer coming out of a Hot Topic in full emo gear chowing down on a large slice of Sbarro's. That would be delightful!

[FisterRoboto 7499]

don't go facing

.

I was going to make this exact same joke.

 

I can't believe it took any of us this long to get there.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

It's better coming from you anyway. It's kind of your "brand" now.

Always gotta be reppin' that brand.

 

[FisterRoboto 7499]

"We're not eating to bloating."

 

Well then, Paul, you're not fucking eating, buddy.

[Amy the Gorilla 732]

 

I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I think you've placed too much work into that.

 

Ohh well.

 

I had the same thing said to me when I came up with a really weird Terminator movie based on a weird-ass dream I had... about a year before Gensys came out.

 

Hell, I even had Neil McDonough as a character in my dream.