Episode 151 - Beck Bennett, Our Once Friend

[Henry 3777]

 

I unknowingly posted my own dramatic "ending" to this twisted tale just now in last weeks forum

 

 

I like the idea of multiple endings to our saga. Makes me think we might explore the multiverse in Season 2

 

It is true that we have definitely created an alternate universe with this bit. I've been through this whole thing before, and the paperwork to register this new universe is going to be a headache. It'll be worth it, though. Earwolf forum fictional drama posts are a competitive market, and we'll have a good fresh twist to explore this fascinatingly mysterious character who is also cool.

[greggy 15909]

i used to think podmass was bad, but now i think it is good

[Fabio's Socks 1822]

 

Two Nice Cold Beers & Robert Kraft OVER Half a Handcuff & Ryan Lochte's Olympic Armed Robbery story: 36-33 2OT

 

Jimmy Stewart going "Whahh!" in Hitchcock movies & Other Half of Handcuff OVER Manti Te'o, Pokemon Go & the Notion of Playing the Season in Memory of Big Floppy Guy: 37-27

 

Losing in double overtime while the other half of my handcuff is winning everything. That's some 7-9 bullshit

 

Actually, I did think that podmass is a portmanteau of podcast and mass (the religious kind). But now that I read Mekhi's post, I see what a silly idea that is. So what does podmass mean?

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think podmass is a physics term denoted by the formula m=dv. So you take v, the volume you listed to the podcast on, and times it by d, the density of someone who doesn't understand all the funny jokes, and you get the podmass

[beeface 1804]

Pod...Massa's?

 

http://apmike.bandcamp.com/

[Mekhi Phifer 579]

Actually, I did think that podmass is a portmanteau of podcast and mass (the religious kind). But now that I read Mekhi's post, I see what a silly idea that is. So what does podmass mean?

 

Sweet Auden - don't you see? You were right both times! It IS a death-inducing mass, and it IS silly!

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think podmass is a physics term denoted by the formula m=dv. So you take v, the volume you listed to the podcast on, and times it by d, the density of someone who doesn't understand all the funny jokes, and you get the podmass

 

This is also true (isn't life full of wonderful complexities and surprises?). FS has cleverly demonstrated how old fashioned cold hard math cuts straight through the BS of religion (and it's notorious masses!).

 

Also, the AV Club hires staff exclusively out of schools in Massachusetts. So... there's another one.

[SpencerPearson 159]

I'm into this

[Jack Johnson P.I. 3649]

I'm into this

how was your show last tuesday?

[Mekhi Phifer 579]

Holy shit! Thanks to my insomnia and hyperaware little dog, about an hour ago I actually witnessed two guys breaking into my next door neighbor's garage and the house across the street. I got to call 911! It was terrifying!!!!!

[beeface 1804]

what happened next?

[Larry Birdemic 588]

Oh God what happened?!

[SteveH 11126]

This week on nohorseman finally gets a joke:

 

Something I learned from the AV Club Podmass comments:

 

When Sean said "you are our advertising budget" a couple of weeks ago or whenever, that was a roast on promotion for Don't Think Twice. Apparently they said that a lot in the Q&A that maybe runs after the movie?

 

hahaha yes yes I get it that is very good

 

Sean has a real beef with this movie. It's time someone took that Mark Birbiggles down a notch and ol' ClemDawg's the man to do it

[Larry Birdemic 588]

Sean is a guffless wonder. He takes none from anyone no matter how huge a fucking star they are.

[Charlie Murphy Brown 4977]

HHFFFL Week Five POWER RANKINGS, Beck Bennett Edition:

 

1. The Troops, Tahini Sauce, kickstarter toaster & Tom Hanks' hair in the da vinci code: (4-1)

2. Roy Scheider, the Marines, Sean & Hayes & the NE Patriots: (4-1)

3. Two Nice Cold Beers & Robert Kraft: (4-1)

4. Podcast Hosts Doing iTunes Review Bit & In Memory Of Vinyl Stickers on Average Cars: (3-2)

5. Knights of Columbus & the Power of David Bowie: (3-2)

6. Cool Breeze from open window, final statue of liberty scene in og planet of apes & babe the blue ox: (3-2)

7. Mutant League Football, ASMR Videos, Gluten & Chrs Hrdwck: (3-2)

8. Army of Crows, Hot Mean Draft Beer & Gord Downie's shiny leather suits: (3-2)

9. Jimmy Stewart going "Whahh!" in Hitchcock movies & Other Half of Handcuff: (3-2)

10. Manti Te'o, Pokemon Go & the Notion of Playing Season in Memory of Big Floppy Guy: (2-3)

11. Dick Jokes, vaping hard af & blowing clouds & being smartest kid in class but not doing any work: (2-3)

12. Half a Handcuff & Ryan Lochte's Olympic Armed Robbery Story: (2-3)

13. Fart Sound, 4 vintage Weird Tales, TCOAPSAHAOTLARTiCA & YakkoWakko.com: (2-3)

14. The Pietá & the Memory of Big Floppy Guy Outside Car Dealerships During Sales: (1-3)

15. The Engineers w Super Soakers & Sharks w Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads: (0-4)

16. Bo Jackson from tecmo Super Bowl, Katie Ledecky & the AZ Cardinals Defense: (0-5)

 

Keep up all that hella wicked mad good footballing! We'll soon break the league up into two conferences to get ready for the All-Pro-Star-Bowl & the playoffs. Let me know if you prefer to be in the Hayes Football Conference (HFC) or the Sean Football Conference (SFC). Or if you have other suggestions about what to call the conferences

[putsome gravyonit 835]

i hope this comment gets 14 or more likes

[mwn 5470]

Sean Football Clements (SFC)

[SteveH 11126]

HHFFFL Week Five POWER RANKINGS, Beck Bennett Edition:

 

1. The Troops, Tahini Sauce, kickstarter toaster & Tom Hanks' hair in the da vinci code: (4-1)

2. Roy Scheider, the Marines, Sean & Hayes & the NE Patriots: (4-1)

 

Keep up all that hella wicked mad good footballing! We'll soon break the league up into two conferences to get ready for the All-Pro-Star-Bowl & the playoffs. Let me know if you prefer to be in the Hayes Football Conference (HFC) or the Sean Football Conference (SFC). Or if you have other suggestions about what to call the conferences

 

I'll choose the HFC, but only because he was nice enough to join my real fantasy league last year and then not set his lineup for like 6 weeks.

 

Also - i knew calling out how well I was doing was gonna end up screwing me over. I'm behind Tahini Sauce now?

[Mekhi Phifer 579]

Sorry for the cliffhanger - apparently the cure for insomnia is witnessing a crime unfold! (Failing to be recognized by the police as the hero you clearly are can also really tucker you out...)

 

Here's the whole saga:

 

 

Last night around midnight my dog started barking like crazy. I finally got up to look outside and saw the motion lights on in our neighbors backyard. Two guys in hooded sweatshirts were prying open their garage door.

 

A pair of elderly sisters live in this house - yet I stood there for AWHILE thinking, wait... this can't be what it looks like. Maybe they're workers who forgot some tools there earlier, and are now ...sneaking back to get them? Or maybe they're just two thoughtful nephews dropping off a surprise gift for their dear aunts... in their garage... in the dead of the night... dressed all in black- OK shit, these ladies are definitely being robbed.

 

Right as reality finally set in I saw them close up the garage and head across the street to another house, where they hopped a fence into the property. At that point I called 911 and started awkwardly cleaning my house in anticipation of hosting the detectives who'd no doubt soon be sitting in my living room listening intently to my every recollection! This was awkward in the dark, because of course, I'd turned off all my interior lights so I could freely gawk through the front window at this crime unfolding without the scary robbers spotting me.

 

I couldn't see them once they'd gone over the fence, but at one point while I was sweeping everything off the top of my dining table into a clothes hamper, I looked up just in time to see all the lights at this neighbors house suddenly cut out.

 

(Hahahaha I swear to god I did not plan this but I have to go and finish the story later - posting now because this couldn't be a funnier unintended second cliffhanger to randomly end on)

[Jack Johnson P.I. 3649]

i hope this comment gets 14 or more likes

lol

[Larry Birdemic 588]

You're killing me Mekhi Phifer... I hope you ended up baking something for the nice police men. And that the bad guys got beat up by an old man with a shovel.

[Larry Birdemic 588]

And I'll choose the HFC because I'm more a nice guy that's also cool than a cool guy but one that's also really nice.

[souprman 10477]

i hope this comment gets 14 or more likes

heh - not like-ly.

[CiscoKid 1973]

Charlie Murphy brown you know usually I defer to you in terms of naming things, but I don't want there to be a competition between Sean and Hayes, it's like even JOKING about Macklemore and Ryan Lewis fighting. But I know rule number one is if youre going to say no, suggest something else, so I guess maybe one side is Earl the other side is Wolf? Or something like that idk

[Charlie Murphy Brown 4977]

thank you for your concern about keeping HH community vibe balanced, but this in no way constitutes a battle between Sean & Hayes. it's our teams that will represent either the Sean Football Clements or the Hayes Football Conference. H&S aren't choosing sides, they're only figureheads. it is a symbolic way to divide the league while remaining focused on & dedicated to spreading the show & its principles to a global audience

 

besides, Sean & Hayes are both on Steve's team, so I think we're in the clear

[Joe McGurl 8358]

Posting to say that I listened to this episode and heck I even liked it.

[beeface 1804]

(Hahahaha I swear to god I did not plan this but I have to go and finish the story later - posting now because this couldn't be a funnier unintended second cliffhanger to randomly end on)

 

Please start from the beginning next time again, and see how far you get