Episode 145 - Vampire Academy (w/ Michael Showalter, Aisling Bea)

[Cameron H. 23786]

- Aisling Bea's impersonation of Dimitry's 'learn English by being in a movie' was the highlight of the week for me, although are we agreed that she made a mistake assuming Dimitry (Bobo long-hair Ashton Kutcher to me)

 

Ha! To me, he will always be younger, thinner Meat Loaf.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure if that makes him "bobo" or not...

 

All I can say for sure is I could not get "I Would Do Anything for Love" out of my head while watching this, and for that, he must pay.

[Cameron H. 23786]

 

 

fixed it

 

 

That's perfect!

 

Now, if someone could just get some leprechaun gear on Dimitri...They must have used some of that Lord of the Rings forced perspective shit to make him look so tall in the movie.

 

 

Obviously, someone hasn't figured out layers yet.

 

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

 

All I can say for sure is I could not get "I Would Do Anything for Love" out of my head while watching this, and for that, he must pay.

 

Dimitry would do anything for Rose's love... but he won't do that*.

 

*

That = not set fire to her prom dress

 

[The_Other_MikeD 68]

Late to the Vampire Party but finally got to the movie, then caught the podcast yesterday. Sweet merciful Vlad, that was a mess.

 

There's so much to say and so much of it has already been said above - a few things that really tickled me...

 

- While I was saddened to see Gabriel Byrne in this thing - it took me a few seconds to thankfully realise he hadn't aged that much, it was just makeup - I liked the reminder of the 'benevolent figure who turns out to be a bad guy' twist in The Usual Suspects. Yes, I know Dean Keaton wasn't Keiser Soze but there's a moment where Verbal Kint makes us believe he is, and the reveal in this reminded me of that. I had some memory of Vampire Gabriel wearing a fedora at some point but I can't find an image online. Maybe that was what made me think of it.

- Aisling Bea's impersonation of Dimitry's 'learn English by being in a movie' was the highlight of the week for me, although are we agreed that she made a mistake assuming Dimitry (Bobo long-hair Ashton Kutcher to me) was 16,000 years old? Yep.

- How about the on-the-nose-ism of the credits track 'Bela Lugosi's dead'? Maybe vampire movies generated feedbag fanboys to bridge between Cameron's Bram Stoker theory and Anne Rice?

- The book's called 'Vampire Academy', as is the film. Yet in the movie, Lissa says 'Don't use the V word' (or words to that effect). Usually 'vampire' is thrown around by Rose, in a way that she is either clueless about its offence (not likely) or is trying to be offensive (jerk move). Maybe the title to the first book was a marketing decision, and it just stuck? They make it clear that 'vampires' are fictional creatures; Moroi and Stragoi only resemble vampires in certain ways. SO WHY IS IT CALLED VAMPIRE ACADEMY?

- Favourite line (and new post signature): They may call Dimitri a god... but I'm an atheist. An atheist with a big-ass gun."

 

I'm sure there's more, but I have to go teach. Will check back in later. So much to say about this thing.

 

Also: this was the first HDTGM film my wife has watched with me, bemusedly. I'm happy to say, three days later, our marriage appears intact. There were moments during this thing that I truly wondered. And then Rose punched Mia in the face, my wife laughed out loud, and i settled in.

 

Why is it called "Vampire Academy"? Because "Moroi Academy" isn't going to fly off the shelves. It doesn't matter that within the book vampire is a bad word. You have to sell units!

[The_Other_MikeD 68]

Can we assume Gabriel Byrne was using the blood hookah because they didn't want to spread his disease by having him directly chomp on the feeders arms?

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

 

Why is it called "Vampire Academy"? Because "Moroi Academy" isn't going to fly off the shelves. It doesn't matter that within the book vampire is a bad word. You have to sell units!

Yeah, that's what I figured. But it's so misleading! And pointless! Why go out of their way to distance themselves from the V word then? Just say 'yeah we're vampires, but here's more details that the stories got wrong. And here's our Academy. Etc.'

[taylor anne photo 11311]

Random question: what was the podcast Paul recommended at the top of the show? It sounded like he said "Tennis" but that doesn't seem to be it...

 

EDIT: Found out thanks to Reddit-it's called Tanis: http://iTunes.com/tanis

 

Paul, can you please spell the names of things when they sound very close to other things?

I wish I were here earlier to help you out cause I'm a huuuge fan of Tanis! It's so good! In my opinion the story is way more solid than its sister podcast The Black Tapes which I had talked about in an earlier thread.

 

But they make a joke about Tanis sounding like Tennis in the first episode and use it for part of their theme song lol.

[sycasey 110]

Yeah, that's what I figured. But it's so misleading! And pointless! Why go out of their way to distance themselves from the V word then? Just say 'yeah we're vampires, but here's more details that the stories got wrong. And here's our Academy. Etc.'

 

It's like when superhero movies try to make fun of the silly costumes they wore in the comics. I mean, why are we here? I'm watching this movie because I want to see superheroes. It's okay if they look like superheroes.

[JammerLea 2070]

Finally got a chance to watch this movie and listen to the ep! What a ride!

 

First of all, this movie was extra depressing as it reminded me of all the things I hated about high school, minus vampires and magic of course.

 

But I do have some questions.

 

What is the Moroi and Dhampir society? I know nothing of the books, but going from the movie all we have is... a high school and a church. Which is amazingly important enough that the QUEEN OF MOROI gives special assemblies to. The students react with an almost eye-rolling response to the horns signaling she's about to give a speech, so it seems like a common thing. The auditorium is full of teenagers. The queen, the current top ruler of all 12 Moroi royal families, proceeds to call up a teenaged princess and degrade her in front of the whole student body, an incredibly petty motion for someone who is ruling over TWELVE ROYAL FAMILIES. Doesn't she have better things to do? It sets forth this feeling that the world of Moroi and Dhampir doesn't exist beyond St. Vlad's Academy, when that's obviously not the case. Where's the rest of the society? What do they do? Do they know their queen is visiting a high school for the sole purpose of degrading a 17 year old girl (twice)?

 

The... ignorance of the students in regards to the outside world is bizarre. Though I believe it was stated that the school has its own version of internet and possibly social media and they have computers and other technology. It's like pop culture and connections to the outside world are banned, but to what purpose? Obviously there are times where they interact with the outside world (i.e. mall trip), but why cut the kids off from things that might benefit them once they graduate from the academy? Maybe they're like the Amish in a way, I don't know. It seems unnecessary.

 

I think the biggest question I have though is what was up with Ms. Karp? Like when she used compulsion on Rose, she made it seem like there's some horrible, deadly threat looming about that is worse than the Strigoi, and later in the videos we see she regrets not leaving with Rose and Lyssa. Then the movie reveals the biggest threat to be Victor, whose dastardly plan is equal to that of Mother Gothel in Tangled. Am I to believe that Karp turned herself into a Strigoi to avoid THAT lame excuse at villainy, or is there a deeper, twisted plot that is revealed later in the books?

[Cameron H. 23786]

Look, I know I should be better than this, but early in the movie, when Lissa and Rose are discussing how Rose can sometimes see through Lissa's eyes, Lissa asks, "Have you ever seen me go to the bathroom?"

 

So...do vampires poop?

 

 

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

Look, I know I should be better than this, but early in the movie, when Lissa and Rose are discussing how Rose can sometimes see through Lissa's eyes, Lissa asks, "Have you ever seen me go to the bathroom?"

 

So...do vampires poop?

if they eat they poop

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

member when this happened? ... member?

 

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

Finally got a chance to watch this movie and listen to the ep! What a ride!

 

First of all, this movie was extra depressing as it reminded me of all the things I hated about high school, minus vampires and magic of course.

 

But I do have some questions.

 

What is the Moroi and Dhampir society? I know nothing of the books, but going from the movie all we have is... a high school and a church. Which is amazingly important enough that the QUEEN OF MOROI gives special assemblies to. The students react with an almost eye-rolling response to the horns signaling she's about to give a speech, so it seems like a common thing. The auditorium is full of teenagers. The queen, the current top ruler of all 12 Moroi royal families, proceeds to call up a teenaged princess and degrade her in front of the whole student body, an incredibly petty motion for someone who is ruling over TWELVE ROYAL FAMILIES. Doesn't she have better things to do? It sets forth this feeling that the world of Moroi and Dhampir doesn't exist beyond St. Vlad's Academy, when that's obviously not the case. Where's the rest of the society? What do they do? Do they know their queen is visiting a high school for the sole purpose of degrading a 17 year old girl (twice)?

 

The... ignorance of the students in regards to the outside world is bizarre. Though I believe it was stated that the school has its own version of internet and possibly social media and they have computers and other technology. It's like pop culture and connections to the outside world are banned, but to what purpose? Obviously there are times where they interact with the outside world (i.e. mall trip), but why cut the kids off from things that might benefit them once they graduate from the academy? Maybe they're like the Amish in a way, I don't know. It seems unnecessary.

 

 

 

Agreed to all of this. I don't understand where the queen lives. Is she visiting especially to make this announcement, or does she live at the school? I assume the former, but then when a fanfare is played to announce her arrival (which, in my mind right now, sounds exactly like the 'Would You Rather?' theme), everyone says, 'Oh, the queen's here'. Ho hum. And in the very next shot you have the entire student body all perfectly assembled, watching with what can't be described as reverence, but maybe... tolerance? It's essentially just an incredibly well-ordered impromptu student assembly designed to mock the last member of one of these houses everyone's supposed to be ruled by. I guess the other books tell us about the other houses but really, why complicate things so much in this film? Twelve? What happens when the queen dies? Will Lissa be the queen? Or some other member of another royal family? Is Lissa's blood speech enough to get her the job? Stay tuned!

 

Also, when Rose tells Modern Family that she's going shopping, MF jumps and says 'oh please, you know how much I love shopping', or something to that effect. HOW does she know that? She's a shut-in Amish kid who doesn't know about hashtags and licks walls. And when they go to the mall, there's no rumspringa sense of 'what is this place? look at that thing!', it's just, oh yeah, we're teens at a random urban mall that's somehow in striking distance of rural Montana.

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

 

I think the biggest question I have though is what was up with Ms. Karp? Like when she used compulsion on Rose, she made it seem like there's some horrible, deadly threat looming about that is worse than the Strigoi, and later in the videos we see she regrets not leaving with Rose and Lyssa. Then the movie reveals the biggest threat to be Victor, whose dastardly plan is equal to that of Mother Gothel in Tangled. Am I to believe that Karp turned herself into a Strigoi to avoid THAT lame excuse at villainy, or is there a deeper, twisted plot that is revealed later in the books?

 

I felt a bit sad for the actress playing Ms. Karp. I feel like she was sold the opportunity to play a Big Bad in a teen vampire romance series and her big breakout opportunity was in movie two or three. So, bide your time in the first one, really come in guns blazing later. There'll be a sequel, don't worry, this is your big break. Look, we'll even shoot a teaser for the next film showing that you're planning an all-out assault on St Vlad's, and this will be your Battle of Hogwarts... I would love for someone to compile a list of best teasers for sequels that never happened in these awful movies. How many have there been in the HDTGM canon where the end is left open, testament to the optimism of human spirit? Anyone got any thoughts beyond this one and Stealth?

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

if they eat they poop

Especially since they don't sparkle, which is how vampires poop in Twilight. By sparkling.

[Cameron H. 23786]

Especially since they don't sparkle, which is how vampires poop in Twilight. By sparkling.

 

Ah! That's why those movies are so shitty.

 

 

 

[Cameron H. 23786]

I would love for someone to compile a list of best teasers for sequels that never happened in these awful movies. How many have there been in the HDTGM canon where the end is left open, testament to the optimism of human spirit? Anyone got any thoughts beyond this one and Stealth?

 

Off the top of my head, and I can only think of Masters of the Universe, but I'm sure there are more.

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

 

Off the top of my head, and I can only think of Masters of the Universe, but I'm sure there are more.

 

Here's a few potentials: correct me if I'm wrong.

 

The Last Airbender

Battlefield Earth

Green Lantern

Wild Wild West?

After Earth

Jupiter Ascending? (incidentally, I was so sad hearing this episode that no one made the link that the title character shared exactly the same name as the main character from Alfred Hitchcock's 'Three Investigators' teen fiction series)

Masters of the Universe

The Phantom

Stealth

Vampire Academy

 

A few of these have teasers like 'oh, I'm sure we'll meet again...', while others go out of their way to film extra stuff. I might be wrong on a few, but there's lots of hope invested here.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

I may just be tired this morning but does Earwolf no longer let you edit posts after a certain amount of time?

 

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

I may just be tired this morning but does Earwolf no longer let you edit posts after a certain amount of time?

 

 

 

 

oh yeah ... that's weird ... has it always been like that?

[tomspanks 9039]

Look, I know I should be better than this, but early in the movie, when Lissa and Rose are discussing how Rose can sometimes see through Lissa's eyes, Lissa asks, "Have you ever seen me go to the bathroom?"

 

So...do vampires poop?

 

Well, I'm no better than you, because I was wondering the same thing (surprise). We learn that the Moroi carry out basic human functions - they breathe oxygen, they reproduce, and they "eat" blood. They get hungry if they go too long in between feedings. So I did some Googling and found that blood contains about 700 calories/L. An average adult would need to drink around 3 L per day. Besides calories, humans need to ingest other essential vitamins and minerals like vitamin C, since our bodies can't make it or store it. The average blood serum levels of vitamin C are around 5 mg/L. The World Health Organisation recommends at least 45 mg per day. So you’d need to drink 9 L of blood to avoid getting scurvy, which equals 6300 calories! That's an extra 4000 calories per day, or 1.46 million extra calories in a year, which equals to 417 pounds of fat per year!*

 

On further Googling, it turns out that the 3 L per day requirement would give you 4.5 times your recommended dietary allowance of salt. So on top of the morbid obesity, these teens are probably suffering from hypertension. They are walking time bombs for cardiac events.

 

This brings me to the original question. Do vampires poop? Yes. Yes they do. However, since they don't have any real fiber in their diet, their poops are likely black tarry messes (do not Google image search for melena). I hope they wipe the memories of the janitors at the academy.

 

*(assuming a sedentary lifestyle and all extra calories get converted to adipose tissue)

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

 

Well, I'm no better than you, because I was wondering the same thing (surprise). We learn that the Moroi carry out basic human functions - they breathe oxygen, they reproduce, and they "eat" blood. They get hungry if they go too long in between feedings. So I did some Googling and found that blood contains about 700 calories/L. An average adult would need to drink around 3 L per day. Besides calories, humans need to ingest other essential vitamins and minerals like vitamin C, since our bodies can't make it or store it. The average blood serum levels of vitamin C are around 5 mg/L. The World Health Organisation recommends at least 45 mg per day. So you’d need to drink 9 L of blood to avoid getting scurvy, which equals 6300 calories! That's an extra 4000 calories per day, or 1.46 million extra calories in a year, which equals to 417 pounds of fat per year!*

 

On further Googling, it turns out that the 3 L per day requirement would give you 4.5 times your recommended dietary allowance of salt. So on top of the morbid obesity, these teens are probably suffering from hypertension. They are walking time bombs for cardiac events.

 

This brings me to the original question. Do vampires poop? Yes. Yes they do. However, since they don't have any real fiber in their diet, their poops are likely black tarry messes (do not Google image search for melena). I hope they wipe the memories of the janitors at the academy.

 

*(assuming a sedentary lifestyle and all extra calories get converted to adipose tissue)

 

It's questions and answers like this which feel like the entire reason this podcast exists. Bravo.

[Cameron H. 23786]

 

It's questions and answers like this which feel like the entire reason this podcast exists. Bravo.

 

Oh, yeah...that's totally C&O of the Week material, right there

[taylor anne photo 11311]

 

Well, I'm no better than you, because I was wondering the same thing (surprise). We learn that the Moroi carry out basic human functions - they breathe oxygen, they reproduce, and they "eat" blood. They get hungry if they go too long in between feedings. So I did some Googling and found that blood contains about 700 calories/L. An average adult would need to drink around 3 L per day. Besides calories, humans need to ingest other essential vitamins and minerals like vitamin C, since our bodies can't make it or store it. The average blood serum levels of vitamin C are around 5 mg/L. The World Health Organisation recommends at least 45 mg per day. So you’d need to drink 9 L of blood to avoid getting scurvy, which equals 6300 calories! That's an extra 4000 calories per day, or 1.46 million extra calories in a year, which equals to 417 pounds of fat per year!*

 

On further Googling, it turns out that the 3 L per day requirement would give you 4.5 times your recommended dietary allowance of salt. So on top of the morbid obesity, these teens are probably suffering from hypertension. They are walking time bombs for cardiac events.

 

This brings me to the original question. Do vampires poop? Yes. Yes they do. However, since they don't have any real fiber in their diet, their poops are likely black tarry messes (do not Google image search for melena). I hope they wipe the memories of the janitors at the academy.

 

*(assuming a sedentary lifestyle and all extra calories get converted to adipose tissue)

This is also assuming their bodies really function exactly like human bodies do. They clearly don't need any sunlight and therefore do not suffer from any kind of Vitamin D deficiencies, and any kind of human diseases like scurvy or hypertension are no issue either. So do they resemble other kinds of mammals more than they do humans on the inside? Dogs and cats are carnivores and do not suffer the same kinds of issues we do but also breathe oxygen and reproduce.

 

Are the Moroi basically just the pets of the Dhampir that they worship like Egyptians worshiped cats?

[Cameron H. 23786]

This is also assuming their bodies really function exactly like human bodies do. They clearly don't need any sunlight and therefore do not suffer from any kind of Vitamin D deficiencies, and any kind of human diseases like scurvy or hypertension are no issue either. So do they resemble other kinds of mammals more than they do humans on the inside? Dogs and cats are carnivores and do not suffer the same kinds of issues we do but also breathe oxygen and reproduce.

 

Are the Moroi basically just the pets of the Dhampir that they worship like Egyptians worshiped cats?

 

I'm really glad we're all digging into this! I mean, if the movie didn't want us to talk about it, then it shouldn't have brought it up.

 

So my guess is that a vampire's scat would be very close in composition to that of a vampire bat's guano. According to this site, vampire bat guano is a great fertilizer and can be sold at rates as high as $2,000 per ton. Perhaps this is the secret to the Moroi's vast and unexplained wealth?