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I think the real moral of Van Helsing is just how crucial it is to acknowledge quality employees and how imperative it is that you treat them well. Dracula kills Dr. Frankenstein in a fit of rage, but ends up regretting that decision when he discovers that they are unable to duplicate his work. In his arrogance, Dracula has completely failed to recognize the fact that, through hard work and innovation, Dr Frankenstein has made himself indispensable. From the moment Dr. Frankenstein’s exsanguinated corpse hits the floor, Dracula’s fortunes turn. All of the setbacks he suffers - including the loss of one wife and a full third of his unholy progeny - are a direct result of him not appreciating the value Dr. F. brought to the organization. Had he kept him alive, he would have saved time, money, and easily lived to see his children sow discord and chaos across the globe in the poorly animated, leather-winged apocalypse he so desperately wanted.

Fantastic episode! Seth Rogen's exuberance is contagious. One thing that really bugged me about this movie is that Beckinsale and her ancestors get to go to Heaven on a bullshit technicality. We're told by Van Helsing's boss that 450 years ago Beckinsale's great-great-great grandfather made a vow to God that his family would "neither rest nor enter Heaven until they vanquished Dracula from their land." But...they didn't vanquish him - Van Helsing did. In order to fulfill this vow and lift the family curse, shouldn't Beckinsale be the one to deliver the killing blow? Otherwise, it's just a bunch of nonsense. That means it never really mattered how Dracula died, just that he did - eventually. They could have just waited him out until he choked on some Texas Toast or slipped in the shower or some shit. Because, apparently, it really didn't fucking matter. What this movie really needed was a mid-credits scene where Kate and her lover-brother march up to St. Peter only for him to tell them, "Um, not so fast..."

I remember watching this movie and Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters back-to-back one day when I was home sick (and, apparently, mentally impaired). It seemed like a great double-header idea at the time, but ultimately left me feeling sick; like eating an entire box of Peeps and chasing it down with cotton candy and Jolt Cola.

This movie seems to get the weirdest polarized love/hate reactions, and it surprises me since it's not like it's a hard-to-understand abstract David Lynch thing. (Full disclosure: I'm closer to the "love" side.) Maybe it's just a side effect of the Best Picture Oscar causing people to seek it out who otherwise wouldn't.

I just want to know how the hell they got Van Helsing's automatic crossbow to fire SO MANY damn arrows. Looked like he fired off a hundred or more, but did he ever have to reload? It's not like he had some kind of ammunition belt or something, and anyway for something as large as an arrow it would be way too cumbersome to carry that many around. Where were they coming from?!

I want to write a bit on Dracula’s peasant farming and its long term sustainability. We’re told that they only take “one or two [villagers] a month.” Or, as Dracula puts it, just enough to sustain them. First of all, I’m not sure if by “one or two” villagers per month they mean per vampire or if one or two villagers is the number of villagers required to comfortably feed a family of four adult vampires for an entire month. Since the movie’s phrasing is ambiguous, let’s err on the conservative side and say they share their victims. This means that each year, at the very least, somewhere between 12 and 24 villagers are devoured by the undead. I mean, that might not sound like a lot, but that’s a huge number - especially for a tiny village in the Romanian hinterlands. And while I admit I don’t exactly have the census information for the town on hand, based on what is shown in the movie, I would estimate that the town doesn’t have more than maybe 200 people in it. At one or two persons per month, that means that each year 6-12% of their total population is killed off by Dracula and his wives. To put that into perspective, if you were to apply the same percentage to modern day America, 6-12% would make “death by vampire” the third leading cause of death behind Heart Disease (23.4%) and Cancer (22.5%). Their harvesting of souls also doesn’t take into account for death from natural causes, accidents, or homicidal undertakers. And furthermore, at that rate of death, it would be impossible for the villagers to breed fast enough to create a state of equilibrium. Although, I suspect birth rates would drop precipitously. After all, what’s the point of having children if they’re destined to be chattel for your demonic overlords? What all this means is that in less than a decade, these four vampires will have completely exhausted their food supply. Of course, this is all assuming that Van Helsing never arrives and they are able maintain their status quo. Once “thousands” of baby vampires are unleashed upon the world, each eating at least a quarter human each month, it’s not going to be long before their New Vampire World Order comes crashing down from a full blown vampire famine. Not smart, Drac!

This was my first Chaplin film, and I loved it. I’ve seen lots of films by Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd, but always resisted Chaplin for some uncertain reason. I think it had to do with the way the Little Tramp character is all over pop culture, and my incorrect view of Chaplin as overly sentimental and sappy. Like Amy, I found myself laughing out loud at City Lights probably more than any other silent comedy I’ve watched. The boxing scene is physical comedy perfection, and every single actor involved does an amazing job. One small observation about the boxing match and its treatment of the Black boxer. It seems a lot of the films I’ve seen from the era either marginalize their Black characters as servants or in similar stereotypical roles, or they present them as minstrel show-like caricatures in an attempt at comedy. It was nice and a little surprising to see the boxer presented as just another character in the scene. City Lights definitely belongs in the AFI top 100.

Fuck. But I Googled Dutch actors and it says Carice van Houten is Dutch. So we will stay on Game of Thrones and just switch it from Jaime Lannister to Melisandre. She can play Pam Helsing. RIp Aaliyah The writer of this clearly had not read the book. I also don’t understand the Archangel Gabriel thing and Kate going to Heaven. Because vampire lore is already steeped in religion, which is kind of a problem for modern audiences that aren’t all Roman Catholic. (I remember a vicious debate in Buffy fandom if a Star or David could repel a vampire like a cross.) So why would you make it MORE religious?

Universal had *very* high hopes for this film as a potential film franchise, a jumping point for a potential NBC series entitled "Transylvania", and a strong presence in their theme parks. In 2004, Universal Orlando completely rethemed their Horror Make-Up Show to include elements from Van Helsing (many aspects are still in that show to this day), and Universal Studios Hollywood opened a year-round Haunted House themed to the film called Van Helsing: Fortress Dracula (it closed in 2006). Back to Universal Orlando, there was even a plan to make a Van Helsing-themed ride in their Islands of Adventure theme park. This would have been an indoor ride using state-of-the-art robotic arms carrying riders through scenes based around the film. When the film bombed, the project was shelved... but the concept was later used for the VERY successful Wizarding World of Harry Potter ride: "Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey" - using the same robotic arm vehicles. So... if it weren't for the failure of Van Helsing, we might not have gotten the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park attractions. Below are 'supposed' leaked blueprints of the cancelled Van Helsing ride at Islands of Adventure (from the IOACentral forums).

coming soon to hulu or amazon or netflix

Hey all. I apologize for putting you through a stinker of a movie. I wasn't able to contribute much myself this week. I have decided to let my medical issues win for now. I am going to take a break from the forums, both main podcast and MM, for a month or so. By the end of April I will have a much better picture of where I am at health-wise and the steps needed for the road back. I can't tell you how grateful I am for all of you, especially @Cameron H. for his friendship and advising me in many areas, and @taylorannephoto for challenging me when I needed an adjustment. I hope to be back at that point. I have one more pick to make if someone doesn't do it first. Don't hold back from picking it if you want to do it. We need to complete the Alan Parker trilogy. Thanks again all of you. I am very grateful. Mark "Cinco" DeNio

There is one other connection to Wolverine in this movie that they didn't mention. Kate Beckinsale's character was obviously some kind of early Weapon X prototype with an adamantium skeleton. I lost count of how many high speed impacts she suffered that would have killed or at least crippled any normal person. For her they maybe caused a wince and then she was right back in action.