Episode 26 — Freaks Come Out At Night

[admin 330]

Sean and Hayes cheer themselves up from this tough week by delivering the news as Joey from Survivor, talk about Ready For Love being pulled from the NBC schedule, and do their best to stray away from having a gutter discussion while recapping the latest episode of Real World: Portland. Then, JOE SPELLMAN stops by to share stories of going to high school with Sean, talk about a whole genre of digging shows, and gives us a brief summary of the trailer park reality show Welcome to Myrtle Manor.

[robinsbruce 4985]

ARE YOU HAPPY JOHSIE? ARE YOU HAPPY THAT SEAN AND HAYES KEPT IT OUT OF THE GUTTER FOR YOU?!?!!??

 

(heavy sighs)

 

also, DAFUQ is going on RW Portland? Those people are lunatics.

[Jerkface 58]

What was with all the weird tragedy/teenage abuse this week? Disappointed that this show seems to be introducing adult themes to the discussion to try and draw in those HBO/showtime aficionado listeners

[burdrulz 1760]

I lived in Tolland Connecticut in high school. I used to go to Boston all the time, because it is in fact true that Boston is the biggest city in Connecticut. So really I think what Sean doesn't seem to be understanding... when we were texting about this tragedy last week... is simply that my town was closer to Boston than his...

 

That really sat me down you guys.

 

I mean you just had to hop right on 84... for god like 25 or 30 minutes, and then take 90 for maybe and hour and a half. shit... I don't want to make this about me... but oh my god dudes...

[chanson 9697]

Funny thing about Connecticut, they're called nutmeggers because they used to counterfeit nutmeg. Do you counterfeit nutmeg Sean? How are the people of Boston going to react when they go to buy nutmeg from some respectable looking people from Connecticut and find out that they've been sold counterfeit nutmeg? That's outrageous! Haven't they already suffered enough? Definitely not Boston strong. Someone from Boston would just take your money and then call you a queer. And in my experience, they would somehow work in that Dunkin Donuts is better than Starbucks... That's Boston strong.

 

Also, Seattle may not be Boston strong but we are Seattle nice, which means we'll pretend to be nice to you out of a sense of obligation but wish very deeply that you would leave us alone because you're probably causing us to be late to some kind of roller-derby, coffee, or software related event. So that's good.

[Jerkface 58]

I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a gutterhead. I want more clips of reality show contestants talking about sucking the skin off extremities.

[BroccoliRob 78]

After Nia said that she wanted to mutilate Jordan's penis, I was expecting there to be some drama involving the fact that Marlon had been hitting on her nonstop since she arrived. This still might happen in next week's episode, but my theory is that Marlon is smart enough to realize "Oh! This is a crazy person! If I stick my penis in her, I might not get it back. Thank you so much Jordan for throwing your penis on that grenade." (In this instance I mean grenade as the explosive device, not an unattractive woman ala Jersey Shore)

[Asteck 1250]

Was the show Sean was bad-mouthing the Discovery Channel program Gold Rush? If so, he is WAY off base in regards to its quality. Hands down, Gold Rush is the funniest dramatic reality show on tv. It’s about a guy Todd Hoffman, who has a degree in religious studies, convincing a bunch of his friends to drop their lives and try to get rich in Alaska. None of them have mining experience and Todd can’t make a good decision to save his life. It is literally episode after episode of Todd making a bad decision, a crucial part of their operation breaking, or somebody getting hurt. Just one crippling disappointment after another. If you ever feel shitty about your life or a decision you’ve made, just watch an episode of Gold Rush and thank god you’re not Todd.

 

On RW, I feel like it would be impossible to describe that scene between Nia and Jordan in a remotely believable manner to somebody who hadn’t seen it. The details just get weirder and weirder.

 

“Yeah so she said she wanted to suck the skin off his dick… then she said she wanted everybody to watch…then she went outside for some reason… and took off her shirt… and crawled back in through a window…”

 

Also, a person died on the Chinese version of Splash. Her non-corporeal essence whispered “totally worth it” as she drifted from the watery mortal realm.

[Toby Keith Sweat 1000]

Was the show Sean was bad-mouthing the Discovery Channel program Gold Rush? If so, he is WAY off base in regards to its quality. Hands down, Gold Rush is the funniest dramatic reality show on tv. It’s about a guy Todd Hoffman, who has a degree in religious studies, convincing a bunch of his friends to drop their lives and try to get rich in Alaska. None of them have mining experience and Todd can’t make a good decision to save his life. It is literally episode after episode of Todd making a bad decision, a crucial part of their operation breaking, or somebody getting hurt. Just one crippling disappointment after another. If you ever feel shitty about your life or a decision you’ve made, just watch an episode of Gold Rush and thank god you’re not Todd.

 

Plus, his dad sounds exactly like what you'd think of when you think "gold prospector".

 

Unfortunately, Todd's poor decision making isn't even the worst among gold digging shows. There's another one where a couple of idiots go to Africa to mine a gold claim, which obviously just loses them money. On the very first episode they tell you that originally it was a group of 3 of them, but the gold digging got to be such a money pit that the third guy killed himself. But beyond that it was just as boring as every other digging show out there.

 

And not to rub it in, Sean, because I know you've probably beat yourself up a lot about it, but man, you really blew it, man. It's just like the old saying goes, on your death bed are you gonna say "boy, I wish I had spent more time at work", or are you gonna think "boy, I wish I had got jerked off in a famous museum in front of the Mona Lisa?"

[Jeebies 5]

Can't help but look at Sean and Connecticut in a whole new light after this sode, guys.

[Asteck 1250]

There's another one where a couple of idiots go to Africa to mine a gold claim, which obviously just loses them money. On the very first episode they tell you that originally it was a group of 3 of them, but the gold digging got to be such a money pit that the third guy killed himself. But beyond that it was just as boring as every other digging show out there.

 

 

I think I remember that. If I recall correctly, it ended with them failing so miserably at mining the gold that they just decide to spend the rest of their money on buying some. They buy a big bar from some gangsters for like half as much as it was worth and then - just as the guy is perfecting the “See honey, I told you spending all of our money on a gold mining venture in Africa was a good idea” speech he was going lay on his wife later - the gangsters run them off the road and steal the gold back. Leaving them with no money and no gold. Honestly, the show was so boring that I only watched that last episode.

[Lukas Holmes 2287]

So...I got lost as to who was telling the story but...we can all agree one of these men was sexually assaulted by a teacher's wife, right?

[robinsbruce 4985]

So...I got lost as to who was telling the story but...we can all agree one of these men was sexually assaulted by a teacher's wife, right?

 

Certainly. But it was in France so it was totes mellow.

[Asteck 1250]

So...I got lost as to who was telling the story but...we can all agree one of these men was sexually assaulted by a teacher's wife, right?

 

Sean left out the part of the story where he had trouble getting back into America because they wouldn't let him get all of the high-fives he'd accumulated through customs.

[Lukas Holmes 2287]

 

Sean left out the part of the story where he had trouble getting back into America because they wouldn't let him get all of the high-fives he'd accumulated through customs.

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh mercy [wipes away tear].

 

But yeah...I mean he got molested right? Like. For real?

[chanson 9697]

Is it molestation if you're kinda into it?

 

Also, I'm pretty sure that you'd be laughed out of a French courtroom if you tried to press charges... Assuming they have laws about sexual assault at all. Let alone ones that cover women assaulting men. In fact, I'm pretty sure sexual assault is one of the prerequisites for citizenship in France.

[burdrulz 1760]

Why don't you guys have a 'welcoming video' like most of the other earwolf podcasts?

[Asteck 1250]

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh mercy [wipes away tear].

 

But yeah...I mean he got molested right? Like. For real?

 

Thank you for your sweet, sincere laughter. The notion that you not only took the effort to record the amount of “ha’s” you bellowed, but that you also accurately reflected them on these forums has moved me [wipes away tear].

I feel indebted to you and will aid you through any means available to bring this monstrous child molester to justice. Clearly this was an event that shattered young Sean, turning him from a sweet, naïve boy into the cold, humorless podcast host we now know. Otherwise, why would he have left us so many clues? We know she is in England and has children (who she probably molests). That narrows it down. I’ll get in contact with some resources I have over there, but in the meantime, please do not allow yourself to lose any more sleep over this matter. You have my word – Justice will be served.

[chanson 9697]

 

Thank you for your sweet, sincere laughter. The notion that you not only took the effort to record the amount of “ha’s” you bellowed, but that you also accurately reflected them on these forums has moved me [wipes away tear].

I feel indebted to you and will aid you through any means available to bring this monstrous child molester to justice. Clearly this was an event that shattered young Sean, turning him from a sweet, naïve boy into the cold, humorless podcast host we now know. Otherwise, why would he have left us so many clues? We know she is in England and has children (who she probably molests). That narrows it down. I’ll get in contact with some resources I have over there, but in the meantime, please do not allow yourself to lose any more sleep over this matter. You have my word – Justice will be served.

 

I suppose this does fall under the US Criminal Code's definition of extraterritorial jurisdiction so technically this could be tried in US courts... Just call up your local prosecutor and it's a done deal. We have all the evidence we need from the podcast.

[Lukas Holmes 2287]

 

I suppose this does fall under the US Criminal Code's definition of extraterritorial jurisdiction so technically this could be tried in US courts... Just call up your local prosecutor and it's a done deal. We have all the evidence we need from the podcast.

 

And he did say something about the husband being arrested for molesting some kids right? So that should help as well. But I feel my burden of action starts and ends with commenting on the forums.

[Lukas Holmes 2287]

 

Thank you for your sweet, sincere laughter. The notion that you not only took the effort to record the amount of “ha’s” you bellowed, but that you also accurately reflected them on these forums has moved me [wipes away tear].

I feel indebted to you and will aid you through any means available to bring this monstrous child molester to justice. Clearly this was an event that shattered young Sean, turning him from a sweet, naïve boy into the cold, humorless podcast host we now know. Otherwise, why would he have left us so many clues? We know she is in England and has children (who she probably molests). That narrows it down. I’ll get in contact with some resources I have over there, but in the meantime, please do not allow yourself to lose any more sleep over this matter. You have my word – Justice will be served.

 

Resting easy is what I do best.

[xoValeriexo 4369]

It's like some of you have never watched an episode of Oprah. You actually can be molested and kind of like it. And, yeah, Sean was a teenage boy who probably wanted to be groped by any woman around and all that typical stuff that's definitely true.. but she was an older woman who thought she could broaden a young boy's horizons sexually, she was in an unhappy marriage, she belittled him when he didn't want her sexual advances to continue. Yeah, Sean was preetttyy much molested. Sorry, Sean! Luv ya, boo boo.

[chanson 9697]

And, yeah, Sean was a teenage boy who probably wanted to be groped by any woman around and all that typical stuff that's definitely true..

 

Is this a legitimate legal defense?

[showshowbro 1177]

proud recipient of a confirmation email over here scratchin my head. this ting contract looks like a sweet deal--but can it measure up against the superfast 4g??

[showshowbro 1177]

So...I got lost as to who was telling the story but...we can all agree one of these men was sexually assaulted by a teacher's wife, right?

 

 

Dunno if you guys watch work of holic but it just sorta clicked for me that this experience was probably the inspiration for that episode where Ders gets jerked off through the pocket by Montez' wife. Or maybe it happened to one of the other writers??