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JulyDiaz

Episode 76 — Fair Game

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A Kiss Before Midnight? Is that a joke I don't get, or have you confused a dating sim with The Long Kiss Goodnight?

 

Didn't know it was a dating sim (what is that? like a pickup artist thing?), but I was talking about the movie with Sam Jackson.

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Here's a question for the writers on here: if you are that author, do you give two shits that there were two very bad movies that "used" your book as source material and just cash the check....or do you lobby studios/production companies to get a movie that faithfully follows the book (well, as much as a movie can)?

 

I think I would have cared if Stallone rewrote my script and then demanded writing credit for my original novel as well. Because that is next level bonkers.

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Didn't know it was a dating sim (what is that? like a pickup artist thing?)

 

this is a rabbit hole you probably do not want to go down

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Guys, can we talk about the concept of a HDTGM/Mythbusters crossover episode?

 

I need to know if there's any truth behind the legend of the Wet Blood Fart.

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The title is an appalling pun based on a common expression. She's beautiful - "FAIR" - and being hunted - "GAME."

 

Oh, Jesus. Good catch. That's just awful.

 

So not only did this episode feature Zouks and Zuker, but the movie included a character named Zukov?! Zouks, there it is, indeed.

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I'm so happy that they managed to cover every beat and ridiculous part of this terrible movie -- pretty much everything everyone mentioned in the minisode thread: Cindy's braless running, her body being tossed away from that explosion, "KBG. Computers. They found the house.", the acting, the cops smoking, the bongos, EVERYTHING.

 

It makes perfect sense that this film was directed by a guy who had done Remington Steel, Spencer For Hire, and The Equalizer. Fair Game is the kind of movie that would result from giving that guy $50 million dollars.

 

Fantastic episode.

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Long time HDTGM listener, first time poster.

 

Billy Baldwin's character might have been the worst cop ever featured in a HDTGM movie. When you consider that list include Stallone in Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, Cage in the Wicker Man, and several others, that's a pretty lofty achievement. I know less about being a cop than June knows about tornadoes, but I'm pretty sure that if you have somebody who has been the target of multiple attacks you immediately try to figure out who could be behind it. The Baldwin way? Let's sleep on it and figure it out tomorrow.

 

And I can't believe they didn't touch on the completely pointless handcuffing scene. After the highway chase scene, Crawford says how she wants to go alone and Baldwin handcuffs the two of them together so she won't run off. They steal a car and drive off and he mentions that he can't undo the handcuffs because the keys were on his key in the Wagoneer. Cut immediately to next scene with Baldwin breaking the handcuffs with a gunshot and Crawford running off and jumping on the train. WTF was the purpose of the handcuffs?

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Guys! Guys! They said that Stallone was offered this, right? If he would have done this movie, which people have said was based on the same book as "Cobra", would Stallone have demanded that the name on the book (his, after previously made demands?) be replaced by his name AGAIN? *headexplodingsound*

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I would like to take a moment for the computer specialist guy, who I called Olaf while watching the film, and his arc. He was the workhorse of the kill squad but never got any respect. If you look closely, while he was typing it was all in Cyrillic and then switched to English where he was obviously using a Linux distro (maybe RedHat, which was popular at the time, and still is) to track Billy Baldwin and Cindy Crawford. And if you know anything about Linux, that program that he ran was in the /usr/bin folder.That means the kill-Cindy-Crawford-program was not a standard install with the distro he was using, which means he had to actually hand code that. I like to think the pizza payment module he wrote after getting high with the Russian Chick Who Was Stabbed In The Pussy and ordering pizza from that same establishment. While eating a slice, Olaf thought to himself, "if we were ever chasing someone down, they probably would try to get pizza. I better write an extension to the tracker program that will account for that. Better safe than sorry."

 

Still, he gets no respect from the rest of the team. They laugh at him. They say he only pecks at a keyboard while they do the real business of killing. That is why he is so insistent on the van he is in capturing Cindy Crawford during the highway chase scene. Olaf figures that if he is the one that captures Cindy Crawford (and those sweet, sweet tits) that he will finally get the respect he so badly wants. That's why he yells at one point, "it's only a woman driving the car! Get her!" He's so close to the respect that he wants that he won't let Cindy Crawford's braless driving get in his way.

 

But alas, it is not meant to be. Olaf gets blown the hell up. In those final, brief moments, I wonder what Olaf thought of? Did his mind drift back to the late night talks with Stabbed Pussy Woman? To the children he never fathered? To his first encounter with the the Main Bad Guy? Maybe Olaf's final thoughts were of a younger version of himself, at home with his family on the shores of the Black Sea, tinkering with his uncle's transistor radio.

 

I weep for Olaf. He dies a death that all criminal programmers do. His life is a lesson to all programmers, sysadmins, and developers who would seek to use their powers for evil. Just don't do it. You'll be the one of the first to go and it will be in a spectacular fashion.

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I would like to take a moment for the computer specialist guy, who I called Olaf while watching the film, and his arc. He was the workhorse of the kill squad but never got any respect. If you look closely, while he was typing it was all in Cyrillic and then switched to English where he was obviously using a Linux distro (maybe RedHat, which was popular at the time, and still is) to track Billy Baldwin and Cindy Crawford. And if you know anything about Linux, that program that he ran was in the /usr/bin folder.That means the kill-Cindy-Crawford-program was not a standard install with the distro he was using, which means he had to actually hand code that. I like to think the pizza payment module he wrote after getting high with the Russian Chick Who Was Stabbed In The Pussy and ordering pizza from that same establishment. While eating a slice, Olaf thought to himself, "if we were ever chasing someone down, they probably would try to get pizza. I better write an extension to the tracker program that will account for that. Better safe than sorry."

 

 

 

At best he could have had some pre-made python or pearl scripts or something that he was modifying on the fly. I love linux/unix but I only use it for bioinformatics garbage and I can't imagine trying to build a few thousands lines of code to just get information from a pizza shop. That was strange that they paid attention to those details and let so many other things slide

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Also, you guys know that the Main Bad Guy in this is the exact same bad guy that was in The Tourist, right? Maybe he's playing the same character, like Richard Belzer does with Det. Munch? If that's the case, then it makes for an interesting continuation into another horrible movie with shitty acting.

 

Just for the record, I don't think its this guy's fault. He has a "Russian" look and an accent so casting agents put him in anything that calls for a "foreign" bad guy.

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At best he could have had some pre-made python or pearl scripts or something that he was modifying on the fly. I love linux/unix but I only use it for bioinformatics garbage and I can't imagine trying to build a few thousands lines of code to just get information from a pizza shop. That was strange that they paid attention to those details and let so many other things slide

 

Well, everyone knows that Russia uses Linux because Linux is communist. This is what Bill Gates said about Linux when it was getting attention (circa 1995). I actually think it was a subtle "fuck you" to Linux. Like in Red Dawn where all the bad guys drink Pepsi because Coke put some money behind the movie.

 

But that was a full blown program he had running. It had a GUI interface! I like to think that it was this piece of software that was passed down from kill team to kill team. Olaf's addition was the pizza payment module. When Cindy Crawford paid for a pizza with her credit card, he was like "fuck yeah! I'm gonna get to use this now!"

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Presumably those "hack everything" programs are pretty important for his job, you'd think with how often he would need to use them he'd add the directory they're in to his path, so he wouldn't have to keep typing out the directory all the time, don't know why but of all the stupid computer crap in this movie that bit kinda got me.

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Omissions: I can't believe no one has brought this up... When Baldwin and Crawford are at the hotel, the ex-KGB are tracking her credit card. They know what hotel they are at and decide to call ahead to their room TO LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY ARE COMING. Why!? "Hey just wanted to check in and make sure you know we're on our way, don't leave! hehe" And then afterwards the KGB say to each other that they are not sure which room they're in so they lock all of the doors, even though they just called the room. Also when Baldwins cop buddy gets killed and loses his wig, the fake FBI agent decides to shoot him in the dick first before shooting him in the neck. While I was pleased you talked about the pussy stabbing, the dick shot needed to be talked about.

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I'm so glad Paul pointed out the bone-zone shoot em up scene, in which Baldwin has to swing around (mid-stroke) to see what was going on. That shit had me rolling!!

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Presumably those "hack everything" programs are pretty important for his job, you'd think with how often he would need to use them he'd add the directory they're in to his path, so he wouldn't have to keep typing out the directory all the time, don't know why but of all the stupid computer crap in this movie that bit kinda got me.

 

Or that he would add it to the startup scripts that run when the computer boots. Just do chkconfig <service name>.

 

Another thought I had was that what if the Cyrillic stuff that printed out before he had to type "/usr/bin.." was the program compiling. Does the g++ compiler do internationalized compile messages? If so, that's not a good way to run software. Olaf should have added a module that accepts argument variables in addition to the pizza payment module.

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Guys! Guys! They said that Stallone was offered this, right? If he would have done this movie, which people have said was based on the same book as "Cobra", would Stallone have demanded that the name on the book (his, after previously made demands?) be replaced by his name AGAIN? *headexplodingsound*

 

He would order that the book be re-released with his name as author and a new forward written by himself. Also, the back cover for both paperback and hardback editions should just be a huge picture of him.

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I can't quite explain how happy I am that criticism of this film has broken down into programming gripes.

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