Episode 33 — Anders Holm, Our Close Friend

[Freja 1290]

Oh my shitting god I love this so hard, VB

[Game of Scones 5812]

The beginning of this episode was too spooky. Don't know if I can continue listening to this.

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

Yeah, I'm offended about being left out too! This is an outr...

 

Hang on, my agent is calling.

 

What up, what up? ... Uh huh. ... Oh. ... Okay. ... Hahaha oh good. Thank God. Ha, ya I know so stupid. Thanks Freginald.

 

Hey everybody, so you don't get paid for being mentioned in podcast fan fiction. Nevermind then, I don't give a shit.

 

Oop, Sofia Vergara is booty calling. Ehhhhhhhh, fine. I should probably take this.

[gototimsvlogdotnet 2886]

Val: #winning

 

EDIT: do you ghostwrite?

[Andrew 4646]

There is just SO MUCH MONEY to be made in a S+H/Twilight mashup (Edward=Sean, Jacob=Hayes (obviously)), but I know they would never sign off on allowing their likenesses to be used for vampires and werewolves

[honlads 8798]

Nice story VB, nice story.

 

HOWEVERRR, I'm kind of into the subtext of literature. I can't really help it, that's just who I am. So here you go: I get the feeling that the narrator is maybe subliminally alluding to the possibility that I'm out in the parking lot in my Countach slapping my 'ceps? Is that something?

[kneisage 2108]

That would have been the perfect post if I had gotten to fuck in the story. Sorry VB just an A not an A+ but great work overall

[greggy 15909]

everyone who got left out should write their own fanfic of the fanfic

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

I have an erection from imagining myself as a tween.

[NotTheNarnold 413]

I guess I'm not good enough to fuck in the HH fanfic either It was still awesome, VB is my favorite writer on the internet. She kills it on Tumblr all the time.

 

Also I'm glad all of us are now Facebook friends!

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Also, erections are still just blood.

[NotTheNarnold 413]

Hey JeffreyParties, I didn't realize anyone else listened in Pittsburgh. High five for southwest PA

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

High five. I see you like beers from your headshot, let's get beers sometime. Preferably a super nasty ipa.

[robinsbruce 4985]

Sounds like you guys are about to have some fan fic. "Hard."

[NotTheNarnold 413]

I actually don't drink, that picture was taken in Cleveland I just grabbed it from my sister's place cause I got something on the shirt I was wearing. We can totally go do other Pittsburgh things though, like eat sandwiches that have french fries on them.

[Freja 1290]

Oh you guys think you're sooooo cool planning a meet-up without the rest of us, huh? FYI mwn and I are about to grab a quick bite to eat at the food court in the Steeplegate mall* so what up what up sucks to be you guys!

 

 

 

 

*this is a funny NH joke b/c all the fucking food joints** in the mall went out of business so the food court is now empty

 

 

 

 

**this is a funny continuation of the joke b/c the REAL joke is that our food court only had 2 restaurants to begin with

[robinsbruce 4985]

Frej-dawg writes only the headiest of inside jokes. Anyone else live in Oregon and want to meet up at a food court to finger fuck our respective butts and kiss really hard for an hour? I'm all chubbed up just thinkin bout it.

[NotTheNarnold 413]

Freja you can come too of course, just fly down the mall near my house is shitty too!

[kobthatreal 5896]

Anybody wanna take molly with me and go to King of Diamonds in Miami?

[gototimsvlogdotnet 2886]

Hey guys this summer I'm probably going to be in Norcal (live here lol), Boston (lived there lol), Maine (mid coast ftw Portland kinda sucks but i guess it's cool too), London, Zurich, Munich, and Rome. Anyone want to roadie with me?

[showshowbro 1177]

I live in brooklyn but i've got a bitchin' camaro. too bad i no one ever taught me to drive stick. wink wink -- sean you dirty dog.

 

seriously though, i have a totally bad-ass ford bronco called red lightning with custom tasmanian devil tinted glass so i'm all over the map and down to scoop people up along the way.

[gototimsvlogdotnet 2886]

We should meet up in Antigua. Antigua is so beautiful. Just so beautiful.

[RyanWright 713]

RIP Sean. He killed himself, but no one cared, not even his mom.

 

I see Sean playing it out this way...

 

…As his plan was nearing completion, Sean thought back to that fateful night. The night that changed every night thereafter and set into motion a maniacal mission of revenge and catharsis…but mostly revenge.

Sean could vividly recall the scene in his mind, the flickering mustard colored lighting, the way his expensive shoes made the sound of scotch tape peeling from the roll with each step as he walked down the dirty hallway that led to the Men’s room. “what a dump, I‘ll have to hover” he thought entering the bathroom. Sean was already queasy from watching a scary clown make out with a hot Swedish chick for longer than should be allowed and being fan boy’d by a surly Brit called Andrew that wore a cologne he could only describe as rotten nut butter didn’t help the nausea he felt. He popped his last antacid before swinging open the nearest stall door, making sure to use his hanky to secure the latch. It was broken, of course…“why does Hayes drag me to these bullshit events?” he muttered aloud to no one. In hindsight, his frustration stemmed from jealousy. The jealously he’d always had with Hayes, hogging all the attention, but something more troubled him tonight. Hayes was distant and Sean couldn’t help but notice the furtive glances Hayes was casting toward almost everyone except him, like he didn’t even exist. He tried to shake off this unsettling feeling and decided to rationalize that he was just having an allergic reaction to witnessing Bozos of Basketball's “moves” on the dance floor. He positioned over the commode and settled in, amusing himself by reading the graffiti that canvassed the stall. “For a good time call Agata” the phone number long since scrawled off. “Honlads wuz here” and “Skizelo Rulz” framed a crude effigy of Jesus giving Muhammad a dirty sanchez. Sean giggled to himself. This would be his last laugh tonight…

Suddenly the bathroom door creaked open noisily and an unfamiliar voice echoed against the tile walls, “ Hellooo, anybody in here?” Sean did not answer. He was in the middle of pinching off a loaf and has tremendous social anxiety about how his poop smells. Instead he silently lifted his fine Italian leather loafers out of sight, his butt cheeks resting on the cold plastic toilet seat as he privately cringed in disgust.

The mystery voice whispered something inaudibly and two figures gleefully entered the room. The stall next to him was suddenly occupied by four feet all pointing in the same direction. The ripping of cheap fabric and smacking of interlaced lips separating and voraciously finding each other again quickly drowned out the elevator muzak being piped through the building’s second rate sound system. Sean sat paralyzed. The animal like groaning was his cue to make an escape. He artfully ascended the toilet tank and with the agility of a ninjas he maneuvered his leg over the adjacent stall wall which was now trembling from the force being dealt out mere feet away. The sensual groans had now evolved into deafening shouts of ecstasy. Sean was sure he would make an undetected get away under the cloak of these passionate throws of love. It was then, while he straddled the wall, that Sean’s eyes were drawn to one of the pairs of shoes. He knew those size11’s. As a matter of fact they were the same shoes he had told his best bud for life matched his sweater vest only hours before. Suddenly quicksand opened up under Sean’s heart. He peered down from his perch above the neighboring stall. The blood drained from his face and a breath taking cramp gripped his chest as he witnessed his best friend, his partner, his love , his soul mate taking it hardcore in the backdoor from some nerd fan and loving every minute of it. What follows is blurry and confusing. He can remember plainly the noise his shoulder made smacking into the unforgiving cement floor but cannot recall the sensation of falling. Clumsily he staggers through the door, wishing briefly that the threshold would serve as some sort of time portal that would deliver him to an alternate world, where the last 10 minutes had never happened. Bouncing blindly from wall to wall down the narrow hallway he tries to flee faster than the speed of sound to be free of the reverberating fuck sounds behind him. At the end of the hall Tim Trees has a lame merch table set up that Sean obliterates as he makes for the exit. Sean greets the night air with a huge breath like he has just come from being under water for too long. A shining cool white crescent moon illuminates the hot tears now streaming down his face, Hayes’ favorite phase it occurs to him instinctually…and it was then that his undying love smoldered into a seething hate as he swore to every point of light above him that he would make Hayes feel this poisonous ache, if it was the last thing he did.

Until now, the memory had seemed so long ago. But as he neared climax, the reasons for his heinous acts were brought forth in disturbing clarity. As Sean pulls out and blows a load all over Chris Hardwick’s back he turns toward his video recorder and quietly mouths “Now that is tight butt hole, see you on TMZ Hayes” Satisfied and gratified, Sean wipes off his junk thinking to himself, “I think I’ll fit in nicely here at Nerdist Inc.”

 

The End

[agata 2789]

i'm flattered to be included in this smut.

[NotTheNarnold 413]

I think VB included you cause you're a fun admin who wouldn't ban me for talking shit on certain people on a certain SyFy reality show. That Dan mod guy is a loser.