EPISODE 99 — Paul Rust Again, Our Close Friend

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Woah! Jan, you Dutch bro? Your avatar says you are from Europe. Which is it?

[Dads for Butt Stuff 753]

Yeah, but on good days I pass for German or Danish, a Luxemburgian, maybe, but that's stretching it.

I just couldn't walk around this forum with that big a secret any longer

[Dairy Pillows 1109]

#1 dream: Taye Diggs.

And not just because he became my 3rd twitter follower today and I needed a place to brag.

Never mind the fact that he follows almost half a million people, and all three of my tweets so far have been in dutch - which I doubt he speaks - I'm special you guys; Taye likes my stuff.

 

get this man on your show!

 

Yeah he follows me too. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of a follow back unless he favourites one of my tweets.

[Dads for Butt Stuff 753]

Yeah, I feel the same

 

still, it's a step up from my other follower whose profile reads:

"Fashion,Anti-UV,cheap. All in discount Ray-Ban sunglasses online store. Only $24.99. http://www.sunglass-shopping.com "

[souprman 10477]

.

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

2nd one is short and pretty straight forward. 3rd is longer and very graphic.

 

 

 

Sounds like what I've got in my pants right now!* Hahaha.

 

*(my dick, and a sharpie marker, in case that wasn't clear)

[Silvrwoman 4998]

Alright, so I'm having trouble writing chapter 4 of my action movie forum fanfiction. My problem is that there are too many of you. I'm going to kill off most of the characters in the next chapter. Confirmed survivors are going to be:

 

Chanson and Joe McGurl because I see them as father figures and desperately am seeking their approval.

SteveH because his rivalry with me has great story potential.

Souprman because the death of his lover silvrwoman is going to add some pathos.

Valerie Bryant because the I think girls should be priests.

 

If you think you should also survive, tell me why. I have room for two other survivors, but need a good reason.

 

I think you should let me survive because...

1. I won't cause conflict by falling in love with a robot because they're not my type anyway

2. I used to have a nano pet, so I know how this whole artificial intelligence thing works

3. I've survived watching almost 5 episodes of Last Man on Earth

4. I didn't come here to make friends; I'm here to win

5. I've edited my 100th post so that it's dedicated to you

[elizamuffins 4228]

 

 

ps. I love you funny ass peoples!

 

 

I like like you funny ass people.

[NoahTomaszewski 2768]

I take offense at being called 'ass people'

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Clash: Battle for the Internet

 

Chapter 4

 

Jeffrey sheaths his laser sword in a really cool jewel encrusted sword holder. He breathes heavily and clears his throat.

"Reddit is out to murder us all, we're members of the forum prophesized go destroy their way of life. But it goes deeper than that. Check this out..."

He effortlessly rips the arm off of one of the giant robots and pulls a high tech microchip out of it. He holds it up to the group. "Property of E.W. Scripps"

"Whaaaaaaa?" Exclaims Silvrwoman. "I really hope they don't kill me so I can figure out what this is all about!"

"So, Mr Scripps is behind this whole thing?" Asks Andrew. "Blimey, this is bollocks!"

"A group of you need to stay here. This is going to be our base of operations" says Jeffrey, "But I've got someone a few of you have got to meet. Valerie, Chanson, Joe, Soupy, Mike, and Andrew, follow me!" Silvrwoman, you're in charge here."

"Alright, Jeffrey, you're the best. Souprman, no matter what happens, I will always love you." Says Silvrwoman

"And I you, my sweet princess" Soupy responds.

 

"Aight, let's blow this popsicle stand! You got a ride, J-baby?" Asks Mikebonetti.

"Oh, do I ever!" Says Jeff.

The seven heroes exit the ruined chapel and they see a super shiny and tricked out schoolbus. SteveH get's extremely excited and runs toward it.

"NOT SO FAST" booms a tinny baritone voice. The bus begins to shake and suddenly transforms into a 25 foot tall robotic man. He has a friendly face.

"Team, I'd like to introduce you to my personal chauffer. His name is Houstonus Prime and I built him in my shed.

" PLEASED TO MEET YOU" the robot says, causing the 7 heroes to shake with his gravitas.

"Knowing JeffreyParties, any of his inventions are gonna cause massive problems for us down the line" sneers SteveH.

"Dammit, Steven, the Gulf War was 25 fucking years ago, when are you gonna put it behind you?" Says Jeffrey.

"Maybe when you grow up and accept some responsibility for the loss of our friends!" Steve angrily responds.

"Maybe you should blame who actually did it. Saddam Hussein!"

"Guys, you need to stop and we need to keep moving" says Valerie Bryant.

"Alright, it's game time" says Chanson.

Just as the gang starts loading into Houstonus, they hear a loud beeping.

"What's that?"

The church behind them explodes in a massive fireball. Silvrwoman's head flies out of the fireball and lands at Souprman's feet.

"Fuck"

 

 

To be continued.....

 

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Sorry, Silvrwoman, but I'm an artist.

[souprman 10477]

I take offense at being called 'ass people'

ass captains?

[Houston 4819]

Jeffrey sheaths his laser sword in a really cool jewel encrusted sword holder.

 

Jeffrey, super happy to be in the story. Over the moon to be a sentient schoolbus robot. No complaints there. Minor note, can my robot character provide you with a cool, non-bedazzled lightsaber holder?

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

 

Jeffrey, super happy to be in the story. Over the moon to be a sentient schoolbus robot. No complaints there. Minor note, can my robot character provide you with a cool, non-bedazzled lightsaber holder?

 

If you know what I mean.

[robotam 4493]

"Lennon and St. Clair" was a funny bit.

[mikebonetti 3718]

"Aight, let's blow this popsicle stand! You got a ride, J-baby?" Asks Mikebonetti.

You captured my essence perfectly. Well done!

[Silvrwoman 4998]

Sorry, Silvrwoman, but I'm an artist.

 

Whatever. Imma write fan fiction of your fan fiction, and it's most likely going to involve me walking around headless, having a great time

[Game of Scones 5812]

i will not

[souprman 10477]

.

[Silvrwoman 4998]

My fan fiction to JeffreyParties fan fiction:

 

As Silvrwoman began tying her shoes, she started processing the recent events that had transpired. The violent robot attack, her decapitation, watching the latest episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver before its short hiatus. She thought to herself, “Man, Oliver is right, there is a lot of hatred and mistreatment in this world. It all seems so insurmountable. Bunny ears, Bunny ears, playing by a tree.”

“Yuck, my neck blood got all over my jeans,” a frustrated Silvrwoman said aloud. But her own outburst didn’t faze the prodigy and she continued, “Criss-crossed the tree, trying to catch me. Bunny ears, Bunny ears, jumped into the hole. That haircut was really holding me back, and it was time for a change anyway. ” Four second later, she had completed both the securing of her footwear, and the grieving of her recent loss (head loss); most people would attribute this efficiency to Silvrwoman’s extreme mental and emotional stability, and extraordinary rhyming memory, but she knew she was just well adjusted and tremendously smart.

 

To be continued…(next time I promise to include some other forumers)

 

Edit: Cause I said "Late Night Tonight with John Oliver" and "contribute" instead of "attribute"

[DoctorFrog 649]

I hate when life gets in the way of HH. Just got around to listening. This one was certainly a Very Funny Episode. Sean and Hayes really aren't letting up on the Howl thing... They're gonna have to watch out for Mr Scripps..

 

ps. I missed this strange place.

[chicknsandwich 2495]

You guys excited to watch Crimson Peak that new Geimho del Toro movie?

[chanson 9697]

Since everyone has been jumping on the fanfic bandwagon I figured I'd try my hand at it.

 

Chanson went on a ferry. There were cats. The end.

[Game of Scones 5812]

Since everyone has been jumping on the fanfic bandwagon I figured I'd try my hand at it.

 

Chanson went on a ferry. There were cats. The end.

 

Tldr

[elizamuffins 4228]

I would write a fan fiction if it weren't for the fact that I only got an A- in the community college level creative writing course I just took.I thought it was going to be cakewalk compared to all the technical classes I have been straight up ACING (regular As no minuses) but I was wrong!!!! Not sure if you smarty pants have taken note but I have a real problem with grammar ,in particular linking verbs (whatever those are). So as a service to my fellow Handbook heads I will stick to what I do best. Shitposts and sub par comedy.

 

You are welcome.