xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017)

[RyanSz 3140]

Saw this trailer before the new Start Trek and this movie might as well be called "fuck you, physics." I'm amazed that the XXX series hasn't been done by the show yet as they do what has been done in the last few Fast & Furious movies in regards to mind-boggling stunts, but this series does them so hammy and bad. And my eyes about fell out of my head from rolling them so hard when I heard the line about saving the world and "looking as dope as possible doing it." Fuck everything about this movie.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Stb7iIn1CDA

[Darbler Cheesegarbler 1110]

No judgement at all, I'm just curious: do you only have one eye or was that just a typo?

[RyanSz 3140]

Typo, thanks for catching.

[DirkMcDonk 2]

Smart, preemptive post

[Lando 2019]

This strikes me as trying to ride a wave of nostalgia for something that people aren't particularly nostalgic for.

[RyanSz 3140]

This strikes me as trying to ride a wave of nostalgia for something that people aren't particularly nostalgic for.

DING DING DING.

 

I get that the first XXX was kind of the template for what the later Fast & Furious movies, but it still wasn't really good. Now that F&F has become a huge series they are trying to grab some of that lightning for this shitty series.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

This strikes me as trying to ride a wave of nostalgia for something that people aren't particularly nostalgic for.

If Mountain Dew wasn't still around, maybe I WOULD feel nostalgic for their extreme sports commercials. #DoTheDew

[ElieB 238]

God i love how ubiquitous Sam Jackson has become. Dude is in literally everything. But I'll watch this for ruby rose alone.

[bella_008 188]

It's only January but we already have a contender for best terrible film of the year.

 

Vince Diesel in a sequel to a movie that was successful 15 years ago.

 

WTF moments including -

• Vin Diesel land skiing through a rainforest
  
• A 10 minute zero gravity fight scene
  
• An important member of the team being literally just a DJ
  
• Every single woman in the world being a brunette 10
  
• Every single one of those women wanting to fuck Vin Diesel
  
• Vin Diesel somehow being able to outrun Danny Yen
  
• Vin Diesel having the ability to run long distances in general
  
• Killing people my crashing Satellites into them
  
• Toni Collete acting as those she's in the parody version of xxx.
  

If you haven't seen it yet it's definitely worth trying to catch it. The movie is completely fucking bonkers but super entertaining.

[NathanGordon 1096]

If you haven't seen it yet it's definitely worth trying to catch it. The movie is completely fucking bonkers but super entertaining.

Sweeet. I was holding off but since it's got your approval, I'll go sometime this week. I unabashedly love the first xXx, it's probably the most intentionally stupid movie ever. Literally every single thing in that film seems like it was dreamed by 12-year olds juiced up on Surge, from the character's dumb name to the Rammstein soundtrack to Asia Argento's boobs. The bad guys are named ANARCHY 99, for crying out loud.

 

I don't see why HDTGM wouldn't do this new one, it's pretty much Fast & Furious 7.5.

[NathanGordon 1096]

• Killing people my crashing Satellites into them
  

When I read that in the AV Club's review, I couldn't stop from laughing. Is there a more inefficient or expensive way to murder someone?

[bella_008 188]

Sweeet. I was holding off but since it's got your approval, I'll go sometime this week. I unabashedly love the first xXx

 

Honestly I only really went to watch this because I had some time to kill and I thought it would be a great HGTM movie but I actually had a great time, it was really enjoyable the whole way though sadly the Rammstein has been replaced by edm.

[Peter Destructo 70]

This strikes me as trying to ride a wave of nostalgia for something that people aren't particularly nostalgic for.

 

As far as nostalgia goes, is there any chance that we, as a culture, could just skip the early 2000's entirely?

[Jamie Power 224]

I'm guessing it had some kind of significance in previous films (which I haven't seen) but that ridiculous jacket made Vin Diesel look like Tom Hardy's Bane if he was a pimp.

[RyanSz 3140]

I'm guessing it had some kind of significance in previous films (which I haven't seen) but that ridiculous jacket made Vin Diesel look like Tom Hardy's Bane if he was a pimp.

Every time I see that jacket I just anticipate the word "douchebag" to flash over Vin's head.

[bella_008 188]

I'm guessing it had some kind of significance in previous films (which I haven't seen) but that ridiculous jacket made Vin Diesel look like Tom Hardy's Bane if he was a pimp.

 

It was his signature in the first film it was supposed to be a kind of Indies hat thing but of course, the look has aged terribly.

[bella_008 188]

Just checked the newsletter this movie is going to be on the podcast yay!!!!!!!!!!

[ElieB 238]

Saw it last night. Left the theatre just thinking "YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" for like 10 minutes. Perfect bad movie. Dialogue is all comically bad or cheesy, and I loved it. Toni Colette's lines talking about Diesel right before he's introduced are hilarious. Yen was absolutely awesome. Jaa cracked me up. Rose's hit girl is also really funny. The one guy who's "just a DJ" was fairly unmemorable except that the very concept of the role he was playing is bananas and hilariously executed. The other brunette 10s were all ok but I liked that the badass one was an otherwise unassuming Indian woman. Though, I don't really know what to think about how this film treated women... On the one hand, its crazy that they all want to fuck vin diesel and turn to mush around him. On the other hand... I think... it actually passes the bechdel test? xXx passes the bechdel test? What is happening?! Yeah, women have a surprising amount of roles in this, of a good variety. And if you substract Michael Bisping from the list of male actors (cause he's deadweight [or a useless git]), as well as the countless cannon fodder, then there may have been more female roles in this movie than male.

 

OMG AND RORY MCCANNNN! I had no clue the Hound was in this playing B.A. Baracus.

[RyanSz 3140]

Just checked the newsletter this movie is going to be on the podcast yay!!!!!!!!!!

I just can't bring myself to watch this hunk of Monster Energy drinking shit, guess I'll just read the wiki.

[bella_008 188]

I just can't bring myself to watch this hunk of Monster Energy drinking shit, guess I'll just read the wiki.

 

It's a bad movie but it's a super enjoyable bad movie, I'd say watch it if you have a chance.

[NathanGordon 1096]

I just can't bring myself to watch this hunk of Monster Energy drinking shit, guess I'll just read the wiki.

Dude, these are fun movies. Do you not enjoy the Fast & Furious films?

[RyanSz 3140]

Dude, these are fun movies. Do you not enjoy the Fast & Furious films?

I enjoy the F&F movies from 5 on, but the first four I think are either basic, terrible, or boring. The more recent ones embrace action and create some beautiful set piece action scenes to where you can ignore how the movies ignore basic science and physics, although they are teetering on that line between awesome and "oh come on this is getting ridiculous."

 

The XXX movies have always just been too hammy to me because they go straight to the latter of those two options. It's a mix of Diesel having full ability to play up the Xtreme-ness of his character with no other name characters to reign him in unlike in the Fast movies. Then you have the aspect of making extreme sports more extreme to where you are hoping that these douches turn themselves into a Failblog video because of their stupidity.

 

The first couple Fast movies had this problem where it was basically car porn and a cop/robber story tacked on after the fact, but when they reigned that in in later movies the end result came off a lot better. In the same way that the original Point Break plays it real with the stunts that happen to where you can imagine people doing that stuff, the stuff you see in XXX is just too absurd for me, to the point that I can look at the Fast 5 safe scene and say "I'd believe that could happen more than any shit in this movie."

 

I'm sure this is coming off as confusing but it makes sense to me. Another way I can explain it is that this movie to me feels like what a grandpa would think an extreme sports movie is and then tries to make it while the Fast movies were made by people who researched the world they were making a movie on then amped it up for an action movie experience. In Point Break terms, the Fast movies are Bodhi's gang while the XXX movies are the poser gang with Anthony Kiedis that attacked Keanu in the beginning of the movie.

[joel_rosenbaum 1269]

I made it all of five minutes into the first XxX sequel so it will take some work...

[ElieB 238]

I made it all of five minutes into the first XxX sequel so it will take some work...

 

Yeah I can't even remember the old xXx movies besides just not enjoying them at all. In terms of style they were outdated the moment they were made. But this one is like the Fast 5 of the series, except not legitimately good, just certifiably insane. Actually, make that the Fast 6 of the xXx franchise. It's all very self-aware and leaning into the comedy of the situation, right down to a laugh out-takes montage for the end credits in which you can tell all the actors just can't fucking believe they're doing this.

[ElieB 238]

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