What is better than one Crank film? TWO CRANK FILMS! Our movie for the week is Crank 2: High Voltage which is so adrenaline-fueled and insane that we have to ask: How could they possibly continue this franchise? Send us your ideas for Crank 3 here and on Facebook and we'll read our favorites on air!
Episode 12.5 — Minisode 13
Posted 20 June 2011 - 11:51 PM
Chev Chelios discovers his heart has been removed and replaced with a base model Stark-brand Arc Reactor. His legendary heart has been transplanted into Odin, whose alliance with Earth is the only thing preventing intergalactic war with the Skrull aliens. Chelios CRANK-ifies some black market Iron Man Armor as his Arc Reactor begins to drain. It's a race against time as Chelios goes up against the U.S. government, S.H.I.E.L.D., Frost Giants, Skrulls, Asgardians, and Earth's Mightiest Heroes™ The Avengers to take back his heart for some reason. At one point he will recharge his arc reactor with the Bifrost from the Rainbow Bridge after he fucks Amy Smart on it.
Jason Statham and Marvel Studios Films presents "CRANK 3: S.H.I.E.L.D. Your Eyes!"
Posted 21 June 2011 - 01:25 AM
Chev Chelios wakes up to find out his brain has been removed by the Japanse Yakuza and replaced by a gorilla brain. This gives him superhuman strength and agility, but he has to fling feces every few minutes to keep his brain from shutting down and going feral. Jason Statham stars in Crank 3: Goin' Ape-Shit.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 01:40 AM
I actually own this on DVD. Yeah. My friends give me nice b-day gifts like this. Here's what next for Chev Chelios... Third Crank film premise: Jason Statham is approaching old age and is still starring in films that require immense stunt scenes and physical stamina. In order to get through filming, he must shoot up on adrenaline to complete the action sequences. Check out Statham is his next adventure: "Crank 3: The Pacemaker."
Posted 21 June 2011 - 03:28 AM
I seriously love this movie. I liked the first one but this one kicked it up so many notches. Glenn Howerton's return in this one is also pretty fucking amazing.
Here is my pitch for Crank 3:
Chev Chelios is displaced in time (like the time traveler's wife guy) by evil drug dealing scientists and is force to relive histories greatest battles in order to save his own life so he can return to the present day to kill those scientists.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 03:30 AM
Chev Chelios is running rampant...again. He is frantically pacing the streets of a picturesque, cobblestone, Dickensian-town looking for the last...golden ticket, and fueled by each chocolate bare he consumes. Accompanied by the town chimney sweep, he has just under 3 hours to find the ticket before his favorite consignment shop-owner is shot through the roof of the chocolate factory, never to sell him another pair of pre-wash denims AGAIN! Jason Stathom, Jason Schwartzman & Gene Wilder stammering in WHOA WHOA WHOA...GRAB THE RICKSHAW!
Posted 21 June 2011 - 04:11 AM
Following the events of previous films, Martian scientists find Chev Chelios' body could save the Martian race, and take it, leaving Chelios' head on his twin brother's body, because we need Statham in the film, and Chev's head escapes to space to wipe out the Martians. In 4D.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 05:38 AM
Chev Chelios wakes up in a filthy operating room to the sound of a ringing cell phone. It's Amy Smart! Or Dwight Yoakam, or somebody... anyway, "Chelios! You've got a bomb in your colon! You have to keep farting to keep it from exploding because of science!" Chev continues to crop dust over the entire city while being chased by every gang. He definitely ends up farting on the Queen of England before (or after) having public sex with Ms. Smart.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 05:44 AM
CRANK: Collaterbrain Damage
Chev Chelios' brain is replaced by a Speak & Spell and he needs to continue reading dictionary entries out loud in order to get his body to run away from all the gangs. Possible zing: "I'm not in the M-O-O-D for this S-H-I-T."
Posted 21 June 2011 - 06:52 AM
Crank 3: Retirement
Chev Chelios awakes to discover that that all of his organs have been replaced by totally normal ones from donors. Now normal, but catastrophically damage from two deaths, Chelios is informed that if he does any strenous activity he will surely die. To insure comfort in what little time he has left he retires to Boca Raton where he spends his days playing shuffleboard and looking at photos of his grandkids.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 09:59 AM
Adatre almost gets it right. Crank 3 must certainly be about the fact that while Chelios has been indestructible, but all of the excitement and abuse from the last 2 movies has caught up to him (as explained by Dwight Yoakam with a naked stripper sitting in his lap during the credits).
The Plot: While Chev was recovering Verona's 4th brother kidnapped Amy Smart while she was out getting medical supplies. Now Chev has to endure Crank 1&2 level batshit crazy chases, fights, and drug use all while keeping his heart rate or adrenaline level (notes from the studio will probably decide) below a certain level or his heart will explode.
The Title: Crank 3: Buzz Killed
This is a perfect How Did This Get Made movie, and the first one that I actually own and love.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 10:39 AM
First they gave him poison. Then they took his heart. But this time they’ve gone too far. It’s a race against time as Chev Chelios tries to find the mobster who kidnapped his girl, took his cash and removed his colon. Now all he has is his .38 and a colostomy bag that has to be emptied after every bowel movement…OR HE WILL DIE. With just 24 hours on the clock, Chev has got to find the girl, get the cash and empty his bag before the shit hits the fan, in “Crank 3: Pooped”.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 01:13 PM
Crank 3: Dirty Man
TL;DR He has to irradiate his junk to stay alive until he can get the cure from the poisoner.
Once again our hero find himself in a life or death situation that lasts for an entire day, after recovering fully from the last movies antics he has woke up once again to discover that he has been poisoned in his sleep, this particular poison was an irradiated version of estrogen that makes his body produce testosterone that will kill him if the levels are allowed to rise unimpeded, so in order to save himself he has to repeatedly ejaculate or irradiate his testacies to alleviate himself of the tainted ball juice. This could easily lead to him buying spent uranium from terrorist or violently attacking cancer penitents in a chemo session.
Posted 21 June 2011 - 01:31 PM
Terrorists have surgically implanted a nuclear bomb in Chelios's heart and wired it to the itunes store. Chelios must use any means necessary to rush around greater Los Angeles to make crash appearances on more podcasts than Paul F Tompkins in a single day, otherwise we all die!