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Episode 58 — In The Name of The King

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I'm so glad they brought up the zipline part, that was the scene where I realized just how ridiculous this movie was going to be.

I knew I was in for something special when the main character, a farmer, was named "Farmer."

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I was struck by the Mother's reaction when she's told her son and parents have been killed.

 

Farmer appeared unperturbed that his young son was killed in battle, it seemed to me that his only emotion was annoyance that he had to dig a grave and bury him. Otherwise I detected no other emotions in Stathem's performance, is his character somehow devoid of emotions? HIS 10 YEAR OLD KID IS DEAD!!

 

Contrast that to the amazing performance of Claire Forlani, the look of horror and grief on her face was crushing and cased me to tear up a little. I guess in Uwe Boll's world only women are effected by the deaths of their family members and grieve for them.

 

Check it out (http://youtu.be/FOqz69WtCeI) it's at 51:00, I watched it just now and it made me tear up again.

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I feel like you can't appreciate Uwe Boll if you don't watch his earliest movies. They started out comically terrible, but as time went on he "improved" so that they were just terrible. Dull terrible. Not enjoyable at all.

 

Check out the infamous scene from his first game movie, House of the Dead. Based on shooting game (think Duck Hunt on the Nintendo), Uwe has an action gun scene where he randomly splices in footage from the video game. You have to see it to believe it.

 

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Nice. I just listened to an episode of CBB a few nights ago where I heard Bob Ducca for the first time, and along with Jon Daly Mantzoukas might be my favorite podcaster.

 

CDR/CBB ep39 and ep51 (list of ailments) are essential Ducca listening.

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Speaking of black people, do you plan on having any black guests? I know you had Michael Ian Black, but that doesn't count. I only ask because I think black people enjoy terrible movies as well, although that doesn't really explain Madea Goes to (Fill in the Blank).

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It's seriously amazing just how bad every movie based on a video game is. HDTGM has done two so far (this weeks and Super Mario Bros) but this sub-genre is like a resevoir of shittyness you could tap into that's so vast and awful it would drown Nick Cage and Al Pacino.

 

Street Fighter. Mortal Kombat. Tomb Raider. Resident Evil. BloodRayne. Alone in the Dark. Doom. Hitman. Wing Commander. Max Payne. Silent Hill. The Pokemon movies. Prince of Persia. Dead or Alive. All rancid garbage.

 

The highest rated video game based movie that exists on Rotten Tomatoes is Final Fantasy Spirits within at 44% (which is still 'rotten'). To put that in context, the best rated video game movie in existence is lower on RT than the Devil's Advocate, Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, Sleepaway Camp, Spiderman 3, Crank 2, Fast Five, and Drive Angry.

 

The funniest part? Even with the bar that low, several video game developers, from Kojima with Metal Gear Solid to Blizzard with World of Warcraft basically gave Uwe a 'fuck no' response when he expressed interest in making their games into movies.

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i would be interested in them doing double dragon. even as a kid who grew up with video games and was thrilled with jcvd street fighter and mortal kombat, i remember thinking double dragon was super weird and simply Not Good. it still piques my interest in a way that other video game movies don't.

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I think Blizzard is still talking about a WoW movie, and they probably have enough cash to throw at it that it'd be a pretty good production. But since their world revolves around elves, dwarfs, orcs and humans etc. I think whatever they do would just come off as another dumb Tolkienesque generic fantasy movie.

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CDR/CBB ep39 and ep51 (list of ailments) are essential Ducca listening.

 

And CBB episode 55 with Jason and Natasha Leggero where Bob thanks his therapists and reads his epic poem "A Ship Called Hope."

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Ok I have to say this: I was opposed to watching this movie from the start, as Uwe Boll is putrid. His movies aren't fun bad, they're just bad. I got 15 mins into this and had to bail. BUT Don't you DARE bring Blind Guardian into this. I know that technically Boll brought them into it by using their song in the end credits, but that is by far the most enjoyable aspect of anything Uwe Boll has ever been associated with. I'm certain that the song has nothing to do with the movie. Skalds and Shadows was recorded and released on their 2006 album (recorded in Sept of 2005) A Twist in the Myth. This shithole movie came out in 2007. I absolve it of its connection to this movie, and I hope Blind Guardian at least made some decent money off of the royalties. Long Live Dragon-Slaying Epic Metal.

 

Blind Guardian is the kind of music that Andre Nowzick would have listened to in high school and college.

 

And I say that as someone who owns several BG albums and has seen them live.

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Blind Guardian is the kind of music that Andre Nowzick would have listened to in high school and college.

 

And I say that as someone who owns several BG albums and has seen them live.

Woah, woah, woah. Hold the phone. I think you meant to say Dr. Andre Nowzick. Without that part, his history of shaft shaving is put in a different perspective.

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Okay, I made the mistake of seeing this even after seeing the trailer. Please let me explain my actions:

 

- Seeing Burt Reynolds and all the tree jumping, I mistakenly over-estimated the film as some kind of Tarantino 'homage' to those kooky early 80s rock-opera/spaghetti sci-fi films like 'Hawk the Slayer' (Jack Palance rules) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080846/

 

Well no. It turns out it was a hacky Lord of the Rings kind of "What the hell is this trying to be or do?" film (see podcast),

but,

What made me laugh-snort coffee out my nose on this podcast was the fair warning about how many people seem to be jumping down from trees!

I swear this is almost the only thing I remembered - this was a main battle strategy.. let's all get up in trees and when they wander in.. jump down!

Even better if you can kinda spring roll and charge when you land!

 

Also:

-In Shakespearian or Theater English "Fahhhmer... You dare to bring thy sword against me?"

- In New Jersey street corner english ".. eh.. what the hell else can a guy do?"

Are they time travelers from different films?

 

And yep I love stuff like... for no reason an Ork-thing is super clumsy and snorts and tromps around BUT somehow sneaks across a field to club an unsuspecting hero across the head. In broad daylight.

 

And finally - yes the best explanation is that they had 3 days in Vancouver and 10 Stuntmen so they just did rotating shifts of 'spring from halfway up tree and generic sword fight'.

Then just added hunks of this footage whenever and often.. and for too long.

 

But yeah.. for me its not 'wonderfully bad' like a Birdemic so wow... hard to sit through this one.

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I think Blizzard is still talking about a WoW movie, and they probably have enough cash to throw at it that it'd be a pretty good production. But since their world revolves around elves, dwarfs, orcs and humans etc. I think whatever they do would just come off as another dumb Tolkienesque generic fantasy movie.

 

You may be interested to know...

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Speaking of black people, do you plan on having any black guests? I know you had Michael Ian Black, but that doesn't count. I only ask because I think black people enjoy terrible movies as well, although that doesn't really explain Madea Goes to (Fill in the Blank).

http://www.earwolf.com/episode/all-about-steve/

 

I think they should have Aziz on, that episode would be an instant classic.

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Not certain, but I believe Uwe is pronounced oo-vay.

Also, I think it's DR. Uwe Boll. Yeah, he's a doctor like the guy in "Hostel" was a doctor...

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But Boll has made a habit of filming in Romania because it's super cheap.

Speaking of which, I think I remember seeing something about "Bloodrayne", which was filmed in Eastern Whereverthefuck, where they mentioned that instead of hiring extras to play whores, they just hired whores, because the whores were cheaper. Whores...

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I saw the documentary "Heckler" a few years back, which I think is currently streaming on Netflix, and they have a segment on Boll and show his "fights" with the critics.

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Not certain, but I believe Uwe is pronounced oo-vay.

 

oo-VUH bull

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The funniest part? Even with the bar that low, several video game developers, from Kojima with Metal Gear Solid to Blizzard with World of Warcraft basically gave Uwe a 'fuck no' response when he expressed interest in making their games into movies.

 

I can't begin to imagine what made Boll think he could wander up to Kojima and get anything more than a "not only no, but hell no" from him. WOW is a million times more probable, which is to say not probable at all.

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this movie was the worst pile of crap i've ever sat through. it took three times to watch it to completion. so i've seen the first half three times and i still dont know what the fuck is supposed to be going on. who green lit this crap?

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