G.I. Joe: Retaliation

[johnnycanuck21 8]

A movie that makes you long for the sensibilities of a Battleship or a Transformers DSotM. This movie was horrific - in fact it made the first GIJoe look much better by comparison. Who would have ever thought you would wish for a Wayans to be in the movie. Nonsense Plot, terrible dialogue, ridiculous characters, action that brutalizes your senses - this movie has it all...all that is terrible.

 

I nominate the prison scene as perhaps te worst scene to ever appear in a big budget movie. Batman and Robin is a treat compared to this mess.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Disagree! And the ninja fight/chase scene in the mountains is pure joy!

[johnnycanuck21 8]

Double disagree! While a ninja mountain fight is a great fun idea - having some sense of why anyone is doing anything might be nice as an add on. Maybe the terribly cast and acted blind ninja master could Have helped with this - but nope - who knows what te heck he was talking about. those ninjas are so dewply wrapped in amwrican politics. This movie was devastatingly bad.

[sillstaw 414]

The great thing about this movie? It was supposed to come out last year, then at the last minute, they held it back. This meant that things ranging from Maxim articles to Halloween costumes were coming out for a movie that wouldn't be released until the next year. They claimed it was to convert it into 3D (because post-converted 3D always works so well), but in truth, they most likely realized that killing off Channing Tatum's character early on was a bad idea post-"Magic Mike" and "21 Jump Street."

[RyanSz 3140]

And they also had a huge Super Bowl ad for it, but they didn't realize that at first that it was coming out the SAME DAY as Magic Mike, or that it was coming out in the middle of the biggest summer movie season ever with a bunch of heavy hitter movies.

[johnnycanuck21 8]

Loved the whole "you have to accept your next command" line. I loved the idea that the president is such an outright dick - allowing snake themed military groups to head American special forces (an putting their flags on everything) and launching nukes...because... This movie could have been stupid fun - but it tried to take itself so seriously which made it just stupid. What happened to the Joe base in the desert? Are those 30 joes the only military in the states? This movie is garbage.

[RyanSz 3140]

But it's really a Cobra operative acting as the president in disguise so that would make sense.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

And they also had a huge Super Bowl ad for it, but they didn't realize that at first that it was coming out the SAME DAY as Magic Mike, or that it was coming out in the middle of the biggest summer movie season ever with a bunch of heavy hitter movies.

I'm not sure if I'm remembering correctly, but it's possible that "Magic Mike" was moved into that slot after the fact. There was a bit of late shuffling around last summer because of big tentpole flicks moving around the schedule. For instance, "Ted" (which came out the same day as "Magic Mike") originally had a July 13th release date, which put it safely in the middle of "GI Joe" and "Dark Knight"'s releases where it wouldn't take any damage, but the bump up to June really let those 2 movies shine, and they totally killed it with most of the next month to themselves outside of the shadow of the Bat.

[inactiveuser501 168]

I watched the Rise of Cobra the night before seeing this, and while Retaliation may be more campy, Rise of Cobra definitely has WAAAY more things to talk about. Just the fact that the entire movie is built on flashbacks makes it amazingly bad. Rise of Cobra takes itself too seriously, making it unintentionally fun. Retaliation knows what it is, and that kinda drains from it.

 

Although I wouldn't object to a double feature, because frankly, when you consider both movies in canon, you will go insane.

[RyanSz 3140]

I'm not sure if I'm remembering correctly, but it's possible that "Magic Mike" was moved into that slot after the fact. There was a bit of late shuffling around last summer because of big tentpole flicks moving around the schedule. For instance, "Ted" (which came out the same day as "Magic Mike") originally had a July 13th release date, which put it safely in the middle of "GI Joe" and "Dark Knight"'s releases where it wouldn't take any damage, but the bump up to June really let those 2 movies shine, and they totally killed it with most of the next month to themselves outside of the shadow of the Bat.

 

From what I've read they were both set for the same day, whether or not the studio for Magic Mike tried to split the box office with GI Joe and moved it to that day could be possible, but Paramount moved Joe because they were coming out the same day.

 

And after just seeing it in 3D (only because it was the only available showing at the time I wanted to go) I can say it added nothing to the film. All they did was basically add depth to shots to make it seem 3D which sucked out loud. Overall the movie isn't that great outside of the few halfway decent fight scenes that are shown in the trailer and Jonathan Pryce as the President/Zartan was the best performance in the movie because he realized what type of film he was in.

 

This movie could be done on the podcast for the simple behind the scenes that went on with changing its release date. There are other plot holes that were never explained in the movie that I would love to hear discussed like how in the previous movie the Joes are made up of specific soldiers with their own unique capabilities. You had a Wayans, Dennis Quad, Scarlett, the Tech Guy, Brendan Fraser, and a few others. Now it is just Channing Tatum, the Rock, Lady Jaye, a parkour doing Flint, and Snake Eyes, among a bunch of generic soldiers. It is never explained what happened to all of those other people and whether or not they are dead.

 

The other thing I would think Jason would freak out about is the Rock's kids in the movie. In the beginning of the movie it is established that he has two little girls, no older than 7 years old. Yet when he is claimed to have been KIA, we don't see them until the end of the movie which in the movie's time about a week and a half from the initial attack. There was no mention of a mom or any neighbors who could look after the kids so are we to assume they were left alone to their own devices for almost two weeks while they thought their dad was dead?

[johnnycanuck21 8]

I love how in movies like this when a team of soldiers is about to land for a mission they only seem to go over the mission plan in that same minute before they land. Taking back nukes? Just wait until we land and ill tell you everything, but in the meantime walk around the plane and do the chic-chic reloading thing to your guns repeatedly. Also hilarious that the brilliant plan to take back nukes seems to be "drop into room, fire bullets everywhere".

 

Biggest difference between this and Rise of Cobra seemed to be that the RoC played up the fantasy elements - this one wanted to be so serious and just ended up stupid. One particularly awesome shot was Cobra Commander leaving the nuclear talks doing some sort of fashion model walk. Wow this movie was awful.

[Shannon 2953]

I saw this the other night and honestly had a really fun time... BUT that Rza shit was INEXCUSABLE!!!

 

I thought for the first few seconds of him talking that it was totally Jay Pharoah from SNL doing an impression of his "attentionteachersandstudents" character doing a vague asian accent. WHY WAS HE THERE?! WHY WAS IT SO BAD?!

 

I can't believe for a second that the editor that was putting together all of that goddamn VO was like, "oh yeah. this is totally not the worst thing ever."

 

I just can't get over it. I can't.

[RyanSz 3140]

I think since he made Man With the Iron Fists and was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, I think he is used solely as an ironic kung fu character, and I don't think he cares.

[wyldride 285]

OK, so they've captured the guy that caused the Joes to be terminated, unmasked him and realized it's actually someone else, so they naturally tell -- No one. Yep. Sure, that means the Joes were set up but their primary adversaries, but there's certainly no reason to share that information with anyone.

 

I've got to wonder if there was any time when the "President" was setting up his new special forces group that someone said to him, "Say, Mr. President, is it really the best idea to name your new group after a terrorist group? That just seems confusing."

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

Cobra destroys London in this film, and no one says shit after the dust has settled. Like, "We really need to capture Cobra Commander, aka the mass murderer who 911'ed an entire city full of people."

 

Also, Cobra has these orbiting satellites in space that "drop" city-destroying spike tubes down to Earth. We know this because Cobra Commander seems pretty proud of them and tells the assembled world leaders how these satellites weapons work. But when we see the rod leave the satellite, it looks as if it was pushed out towards Earth using propulsion. Also,objects orbiting Earth can pick and choose when they use the Earth's gravity to fall from space.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Cobra destroys London in this film, and no one says shit after the dust has settled. Like, "We really need to capture Cobra Commander, aka the mass murderer who 911'ed an entire city full of people."

 

Also, Cobra has these orbiting satellites in space that "drop" city-destroying spike tubes down to Earth. We know this because Cobra Commander seems pretty proud of them and tells the assembled world leaders how these satellites weapons work. But when we see the rod leave the satellite, it looks as if it was pushed out towards Earth using propulsion. Also,objects orbiting Earth can pick and choose when they use the Earth's gravity to fall from space.

The Joes didn't even try to stop London from being attacked. It's like they waited until it had already been turned into a crater and THEN someone said "Now! Get 'em!". Between the two movies, they've got a pretty shitty "protecting major cities" track record.

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

The Joes didn't even try to stop London from being attacked. It's like they waited until it had already been turned into a crater and THEN someone said "Now! Get 'em!". Between the two movies, they've got a pretty shitty "protecting major cities" track record.

 

To me, this scene is unforgivable. Time and energy was invested to depict one of the biggest cities in the world being destroyed so violently. It kind of made me sick to my stomach to watch.

 

How about Cobra threatens to do destroy London? Maybe they have a simulation they could show. This was beyond the pale.

 

And you're totally right, PlanB; why did the Joes wait until Cobra completely destroyed London and killed countless people before springing into action? In the ceremony at the end, all of those Joes should have been hanging their heads in shame."Too bad about London, aye? Here's a metal!"

[BethElam 14]

How is this not here?

 

The Rock. Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis dialogue that made NO sense. Bruce Willis being a total dick. The most insulting Asian stereotyped scenes ever. Fight scenes with no spatial reasoning. Bruce Willis's House of Guns.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LSPTIXOUqE

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

Bruce Willis's House of Guns.

 

Oh. My! GOD!!! How insanely idiotic was that shit??? There were grenades in the fruit bowl!!!

 

I hope Bruno's character in this movie doesn't have grand kids.

[RyanSz 3140]

 

Oh. My! GOD!!! How insanely idiotic was that shit??? There were grenades in the fruit bowl!!!

 

I hope Bruno's character in this movie doesn't have grand kids.

To be fair, where else are you going to keep your grenades?

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

To be fair, where else are you going to keep your grenades?

 

You'd keep them in the... in... the... ah...

 

Shit! Okay, well that actually makes sense.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

To be fair, where else are you going to keep your grenades?

Maybe the crisper in your refrigerator, or like that butter compartment or whatever it is. It's out of the way and has a lid! Or the breadbox! Put 'em in the breadbox!

[dlo burns 129]

To be fair, where else are you going to keep your grenades?

underwear drawer, in jockstraps, where the cup goes

[RyanSz 3140]

underwear drawer, in jockstraps, where the cup goes

Now that's just ridiculous.

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

Now that's just ridiculous.

 

No more ridiculous than tying all of Hasbro's toy universes into one gawdawful cinematic universe:

 

http://www.inquisitr.com/2649074/the-hasbro-paramount-pictures-gi-joe-transformers-micronauts-mask-toys-rom-toys-visionaries/