Episode 81.5 — Minisode 81.5

[Mikeyfazed 65]

I used to love all of these John Woo/Tsui hark/Ringo Lam Hong Kong movies when I was in high school. All of this pro wrestling talk gave me a thought of how the two are similar: high flying action, bombastic, over the top characters, ham-fisted acting, and premises that make little, if any sense.

 

And also apparently, Dennis Rodman!

[DeathToMikeyBay 130]

Hmmmm...okay let's go search for "Double Team".

 

"Pussy Hunters- Jessica Fox and TSFoxxy double team Simone"? nope

 

"Blowjob Fridays- Vanessa Luna, Boopsie (Double team blowjob)"? nope

 

"Angela Winter, Carla Cox - Double Anal Drill Team"? nope

 

"Double Team (1997)- Jean Claude Van Damme & Dennis Rodman"?.....close enough

[RyanSz 3140]

To be fair that first one is a way better movie than the JCVD one.

[JimKata 62]

I still remeber seeing this peice of shit in the theater. What can I say, I was young and confused. Stupidest scene: When Rodman uses a Coke Machine to block the flames form an explosion.Coke Machine to block, which was the worst prodcut placement since Bill Cosby daintily waved around a Coke bottle so that the label was facing the camera in Leonard Part 6. Also, how the hell does Rodman's character find the time to change his hair color throughout the movie?

[RyanSz 3140]

Holy shit, I forgot about the Village-esque "Colony" that JCVD is sent to after the failed mission at the amusement park and his family is told that he is dead and wasn't there also a basketball parachute? This movie is so many levels of insane I can't wait to hear the episode.

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

Holy shit, I forgot about the Village-esque "Colony" that JCVD is sent to after the failed mission at the amusement park and his family is told that he is dead and wasn't there also a basketball parachute? This movie is so many levels of insane I can't wait to hear the episode.

 

The movie basically turns into a remake of 'The Prisoner' for ten minutes right in the middle. What the balls?

 

For anyone who is in the mood for next-level-bonkers 60s British TV that is astoundingly entertaining (and also about weirdly dressed secret agents!) watch that show.

 

[DeathToMikeyBay 130]

I will be very disappointed if this episode doesn't bring up two things:

 

- The scene where they suffocate a guy with a plastic bag while he's underwater and can't breath anyway.

 

- Rodman's remark that his gun "can shoot the dick off a hummingbird."

[RyanSz 3140]

I thought it was the female member of Van Dam's team that said the hummingbird remark.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

I thought it was the female member of Van Dam's team that said the hummingbird remark.

It's at least one basketball pun short of being something that could have come out of Rodman's mouth in this film. At LEAST one.

[inactiveuser501 168]

I hope we can all agree that the four things this movie is obsessed with are Breakaway Glass, Random Uses of Tigers, Coca-Cola, and Needlessly Putting Children in Peril.

[Jesse Carrigan 119]

There is so much dialogue in this movie that consists entirely of basketball puns, bad one-liners, and things that just don't really make sense. Some of my favorite examples:

 

JCVD: Who does your hair, Siegfried or Roy?

DR: The last guy who made fun of my hair is still trying to get his head out of his ass.

JCVD: I don't want to know about your sex life.

DR: Well, this has been fun.

 

HAS IT? I must have missed something.

 

DR: Oops, air ball!

JCVD: You need practice.

DR: I hate practice. But I never miss twice, brother!

 

This was one of my favorite ones because it's such a dated reference: Rodman was criticized during his time with the Chicago Bulls for his practice habits (often skipping or being late). At the time, this might have made sense to the audience, but only old people like me remember that kind of thing now.

 

Random Soldier: Gentlemen, this is Delta One. Forget you've ever seen him.

 

Well, it's a good thing you introduced him to everybody.

[Jesse Carrigan 119]

Also, JCVD's wife says to Mickey Rourke when he buys her horrible sculpture, "My husband loved that swan. He thought it was a cow." But the only instance where he says anything about it is when he is running to the phone at the beginning and yells "Catherine, your damn cow got in my way!" I did not detect any affection for her awful reconstitutions of garbage.

[Jesse Carrigan 119]

There were a couple of images that just made me laugh. When the guy shows up at JCVD's villa and leers at his wife for a bit, there was a moment where he says "Come on Jack, you can't retire until he does," and then walks past JCVD. The scene ends with JCVD making this face...

 

 

... and all I could think of was that during this take the guy farted as he walked by.

 

Then, during the training montage, I thought his weight training with the tub was weirdly sexual, and then this happened:

 

 

It's just water. I think.

[timfool 0]

so excited you're doing this movie, saw it in theater way back then and couldn't believe it. But I love it because it's so terrible. And if you're going do this film, you might as well do it's sequel in spirit, KNOCK OFF. It may be even crazier.

http://badassdigest.com/2014/02/05/the-underrated-insanity-of-tsui-hark-and-jean-claude-van-dammes-knock-off/

 

Death of WCW is a fantastic read btw. (Bob Holly's book is good, way better than expected)

[Mikeyfazed 65]

DR: I'm just protecting my investment... I want those numbers, [CIA bank accounts for payment] I want them now

JCVD: This car is rigged, I need transportation to Rome.

DR: Transportation you say? I have some connections in this area.

 

He went from "I want my money now!" to "let's steal a car and continue the adventure" in 0.5 seconds.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

This was one of my favorite ones because it's such a dated reference: Rodman was criticized during his time with the Chicago Bulls for his practice habits (often skipping or being late). At the time, this might have made sense to the audience, but only old people like me remember that kind of thing now.

 

Another big one from around that time: Shaq being shitty at free throws. It seemed like every time he made an appearance outside of basketball, that would be referenced somehow. I GUARANTEE (but I'm not willing to check to be sure) there's probably an entire conversation devoted to this in "Steel". I wouldn't say it was AS dated, because as far as I know, he kept that shitty free throw for a pretty long time.

 

Speaking of Chicago though, I grew up on the Bulls, and I always thought that Bil Cartwright had the most beautiful ugly shot of all.

[RyanSz 3140]

Another big one from around that time: Shaq being shitty at free throws. It seemed like every time he made an appearance outside of basketball, that would be referenced somehow. I GUARANTEE (but I'm not willing to check to be sure) there's probably an entire conversation devoted to this in "Steel". I wouldn't say it was AS dated, because as far as I know, he kept that shitty free throw for a pretty long time.

 

Speaking of Chicago though, I grew up on the Bulls, and I always thought that Bil Cartwright had the most beautiful ugly shot of all.

There is a whole B/C story in Steel dedicated to how Shaq can't do a free throw, ultimately leading to the climax of the movie where he has to toss a grenade through a small hole in a broken window in order to save his life and one of his friends.

[Jesse Carrigan 119]

There is a shot when he ends up on the island after failing to capture Stavros where the video monitor shows that he's being identified, and his name is revealed to be Jack Paul Quinn.

 

JACK. PAUL. QUINN.

 

I don't know why they just didn't add the extra syllable and make it Jack-Paul Van Quinn, you're not fooling anyone.

 

 

[Smigg 1488]

There were a couple of images that just made me laugh. When the guy shows up at JCVD's villa and leers at his wife for a bit, there was a moment where he says "Come on Jack, you can't retire until he does," and then walks past JCVD. The scene ends with JCVD making this face...

 

 

... and all I could think of was that during this take the guy farted as he walked by.