Noah (2014)

[jarrycanada 2483]

after seeing Winter's Tale with Russell Crowe, I don't think we are not done with his sorry ass yet. anyone up for noah? I haven't seen this movie yet but i've got that bad feeling that this is going to suck.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qmj5mhDwJQ

[Lando 2019]

Well it's from Darren Aronofsky, who has yet to make a bad film (and yes I saw The Fountain thank you very much).

 

I have a feeling though that this is going to be like Passion of the Christ where people will have a hard time seeing through the source material to viewing it objectively.

[Joven 373]

Well it's from Darren Aronofsky, who has yet to make a bad film (and yes I saw The Fountain thank you very much).

 

I have a feeling though that this is going to be like Passion of the Christ where people will have a hard time seeing through the source material to viewing it objectively.

 

 

Directed by Darren Aronofsky:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZaZaw7PXCM

(all Butts knows how to do is take...)

 

Whats good about Noah is that its already got a lot of big name fundies hating it because it strays from the source material and is all hollywood-ized, so maybe their target audience may even not want to see it.

[jarrycanada 2483]

I am sorry Lando, I didn't notice that. I like Darren Aronofsky films and loved The Fountain. I guess I was too distracted by Russell Crowe and his magic fire sword to notice wow.. but I still wish they would of gotten Mel Gibson to play Noah and should of gotten Morgan Freeman to do the narrative, then you would of had a perfect heart touching movie, He would of been perfect. Mel was born to play noah.

 

The scene in the trailer when he placed the sword in the ground and the cgi fire comes out is the killing point in the films trailer for me. this just seems too much like man of steal all over again. hey, there is another fine Russel Crowe movie..

[Lando 2019]

Can you imagine if this does well and they decide to start adapting other old testament stories? Not gonna lie, but I hope that Sodom and Gomorrah gets the Pompeii treatment.

 

The flaming sword thing is giving me video game deja vu, except I can't remember which game I'm thinking of. However, if a flaming sword is ruining a movie where a man builds a giant ship, and manages to round up and load two of every single animal in 7 days and then more water than exists on the entire planet covers up all land well then I don't quite know what to tell you.

[jarrycanada 2483]

I am not religious, but I found these kind of movies soul less. you get all these big name actors together and do nothing with them other then print there names on the poster. 12 years a slave was like that for me. I was so looking forward to that film by all the big stars they got for the project but was quickly let down by the Uselessness of the actors. and what we ended up with was a long draged out story line that didn't really work out well.

 

It's not just the cheap CGI crap fire sword effects. it's that throw together hollywood movie format that so many film makers get suckered into making. If I was a film maker I would make fun of that. it's like directors get sucked into making these movies by being handed a big bag of money and they just can't learn to say no so they make that film anyway. the story is weak at best. and so they try and cover up the poor script writing/idea by masking it with big name actors to take away from the fact that the film's idea wasn't all that great in the first place. The actors feels like they are just show up to pick up the cashiers checks and it feels like that. "here you go and thanks for showing up". wink at the camara.

 

I would do that in all of my movies, get a over the top actor like Samuel L. Jackson to just show up and say where's my check mother f**Ker!! that's all he does and walks off camara!

 

Whats the record for the most shameless camos in a movie? I guessing that would have to goto cannonball run? that has to be about as bad as it can get.

[Bolognas 32]

It certainly looks like a turd. I think I strained my eyes rolling them while watching that trailer.

[HipGuide 196]

Uh oh.

 

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/03/28/doomed-passion-projects-of-hollywood-the-lost-classics-of-stanley-kubrick-alfred-hitchcock-and-more.html

[seanotron 2307]

Actually looks like this is getting solid reviews and will probably do pretty well at the box office.

 

I'm kind of into it, we haven't had a big Biblical epic in a long time. It sounds like Arronofsky is sticking with Jewish traditions more than Christian ones, storywise. Kind of fascinated to see what he produces. If you're going to do one of these, the Great Flood seems like a good pick since the Biblical account is pretty sparse and you have a lot of room for interpretation/creative license.

[Joven 373]

Review from biblical literalist and creationist fakey museum owner Ken Ham:

 

I am disgusted. I am going to come right out and say it–it is disgusting and evil–paganism! Do you really want your family to see a pagan movie the has Noah as some psychopath who says if his daughter-in-law’s baby is a girl, he will kill it as soon as it’s born. And then when two girls are born, bloodstained Noah (the man the Bible calls righteous Noah–Genesis 7:1), brings a knife down to one of the baby’s heads to kill it and at the last minute doesn’t do it–and then a bit later says he failed because he didn’t kill the babies. How can we recommend this movie and then speak against abortion! Psychopathic Noah sees humans as a blight on the planet and wants to rid the world of people.

 

"Psychopathic Noah sees humans as a blight on the planet and wants to rid the world of people." Yeah, what a psychopathic thing to want...what was the point of the story again?...

[wyldride 285]

Ken is probably still mad about the curse of Ham.

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

If this is a big enough hit, there will even be demand for a sequel. Maybe a Noah/Moses team-up where Noah shows up at the Parting of the Red Sear, surfing on the walls of water and keeping them at bay for the Israelites to pass. He and Moses fist-bump as they pass each other, then Noah surfs off once his people are safe, letting the cliffs of salty watery fall, drowning the Egyptian army.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

If this is a big enough hit, there will even be demand for a sequel. Maybe a Noah/Moses team-up where Noah shows up at the Parting of the Red Sear, surfing on the walls of water and keeping them at bay for the Israelites to pass. He and Moses fist-bump as they pass each other, then Noah surfs off once his people are safe, letting the cliffs of salty watery fall, drowning the Egyptian army.

And then Samuel L. Jackson shows up after the credits and does something.

[RyanSz 3140]

If this is a big enough hit, there will even be demand for a sequel. Maybe a Noah/Moses team-up where Noah shows up at the Parting of the Red Sear, surfing on the walls of water and keeping them at bay for the Israelites to pass. He and Moses fist-bump as they pass each other, then Noah surfs off once his people are safe, letting the cliffs of salty watery fall, drowning the Egyptian army.

 

Still a better sequel than the proposed Gladiator sequel.

From Cracked:

 

#1. Gladiator 2 (by Nick Cave)

How do you do a sequel for a movie where the main character died at the end? The answer is: You don't. Or, if you're Russell Crowe, the other answer is: You hire a rock star to write the most deranged gladiator movie ever conceived. It's important to note that we didn't make up any part of the story we're about to tell you: This is a real script that exists, and it was personally commissioned by Ridley Scott and Crowe. It's also the only entry in this list we actually want to see, because of how awesomely insane it is.

After doing Gladiator, Scott and Crowe were eager to do a sequel but had one little problem: As mentioned, the main character (Maximus) is unmistakably dead and buried by the end of the movie. Crowe thought there had to be a way around that pesky little detail and hired the legendary Nick Cave from Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds to come up with a "creative solution." The fact that the Gladiator 2 script was written by a famous rock star is the most normal thing about it.

Above: Either Nick Cave or the antichrist's drug dealer.

The story written by Cave opens with Maximus gladiatoring the shit out of some Roman gods in the afterlife until they agree to let him go back to the land of the living. The newly reincarnated Maximus then spends some time in Rome defending early Christians from persecution -- and somehow becoming immortal. During the next two hours, we watch Maximus kick ass throughout history, being present at every important war ever fought from the Crusades to Vietnam, like a more muscular Forrest Gump.

The end of the script reveals that Maximus ended up working at the Pentagon, which makes sense because it does sort of look like a gladiator arena. We like to imagine that even at the Pentagon he was still wearing that same miniskirt from the first movie, if only to justify the word "gladiator" in Gladiator 2.

Getty

Alright, so maybe he puts on a tie when going to a meeting.

Russell Crowe read this script ... and loved it. Seriously. Ridley Scott says they "tried to go with it," but the studio thought it was too over the top, for some reason. Eventually the two moved on to make Robin Hood, which might be more enjoyable if you pretend that Robin is actually an immortal Maximus in the 1100s.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_19751_6-insane-sequels-that-almost-ruined-classic-movies_p2.html#ixzz2xScr5qz0

[/left]

[seanotron 2307]

A Gladiator movie written by Nick Cave?

 

[RyanSz 3140]

That was basically Russel Crowe's response. I think he was still pushing for the script to be made even a couple years after the studio turned it down.

[jarrycanada 2483]

 

Still a better sequel than the proposed Gladiator sequel.

From Cracked:

 

Wow that's going to suck! Right to Video on demand I guess as they now say. Why does Hollywood have to do that, take a great movie and just destroy it,.

I came here to reply about something and this made me loss my thought..

[RyanSz 3140]

Yeah that whole article is great about these proposed sequels that were batshit insane.

[seanotron 2307]

Ok guys, just got back from seeing this one.

 

I take it all back. This thing is just...oh boy. Unintentional comedy throughout. It deserves roasting.

[seanotron 2307]

And if anyone is in doubt, I'll simply throw out these two words: Rock Ents.

[dlo burns 129]

Ok guys, just got back from seeing this one.

 

I take it all back. This thing is just...oh boy. Unintentional comedy throughout. It deserves roasting.

So is it the type of thing to actually rile-up fundies, or are they just squawking over nothing again?

[seanotron 2307]

So is it the type of thing to actually rile-up fundies, or are they just squawking over nothing again?

 

Oh, I imagine it would rile up even casual church folk. Russell Crowe's Noah is a straight-up psychopath.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

And if anyone is in doubt, I'll simply throw out these two words: Rock Ents.

I haven't seen it, and I wasn't aware of the fantasy elements, so when I was at work and did a walk through the theater and saw lava rock monsters, I'd forgotten what theater I'd gone into. It's like "The Greatest Neverending Story Ever Told".

[seanotron 2307]

I haven't seen it, and I wasn't aware of the fantasy elements, so when I was at work and did a walk through the theater and saw lava rock monsters, I'd forgotten what theater I'd gone into. It's like "The Greatest Neverending Story Ever Told".

 

Honestly, the Rock Biter is a much better effect than the rock ents. The CGI in Noah is all over the place.

[sillstaw 414]

So is it the type of thing to actually rile-up fundies, or are they just squawking over nothing again?

 

I saw this with my mom and sister, who are faithful Mormons. They were kind of put off by the changes to the story and how ruthless Noah is. I'd hardly call them fundamentalists, so I imagine the hardcore ones would be infuriated.

 

Personally, I'm not sure it'd make a great HDTGM. The "rock ents" (or, as I've been calling them on Facebook for a while now, the giant six-armed angels) are probably the one really crazy thing, and the story is well-known enough that you can't really call it a WTF.