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Episode 65 — Dan Klein, Our Close Friend

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You should brand it as a podcast to trick them. They'll go on anything if you call it a podcast, apparently.

 

Haim Slides rocks, by the by. I've never laughed harder at a cereal joke. Small sample size, though.

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I just got tickets to see John Mulaney on the 30th, so now I have that to look forward to.

 

Seeing him a week before! Pretty pumped.

Also (shh don't let Sean or Hayes see this) bossman mentioned he should be coming up on CBB soon.

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i think only one should ever appear on a hangout in case of accidents, we need the other to carry on

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FUCK THA RAVENS. LETS GO PATS.

ahhhhh that game was so good

 

I saw Mulaney at the Wilbur theater in Boston back in April. somebody cool opened for him, possibly Max Sylvestri? Also, I don't have a webcam or mic to Hangout and have not peed the bed in like 39 months. See yall next week.

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Ok, gang. I dropped in late on last night's hang out. Super fun. Valerie had a cool braid. We saw some dogs and cats. MBoP made a blanket fort. We examined the social impact of 90's and early 2000's Disney channel original movies. Good times.

 

So, Tuesday was the clear and present danger winner for our next one. Tuesday, 1/13 at 7pm. Now I realize that 7pm is not a great time for anyone but PST folks. But we will keep it at 7pm for now since y'all voted for it and the next one can be at 7pm EST or some shit like that. Woohoo!

 

Holy fucking shit! Did you talk about "brink" or "Johnny tsunami"?!

 

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I peed the bed on another girl last night.

 

I’m in a bit of a situation, because it was in HER bed.

 

She left for work at like 8 AM and kissed me and said “those were seven of the best orgasms I’ve ever had” and I woke up at 10 AM in the middle of a large, wet, piss circle.

 

The real question is – does she already know?? Did I pee during those 2 hours?? Or was I just too sleepy to notice the pee and she probably knows about it too??

 

I think she was kinda laughing at me so she probably knows, but I have to text her soon ‘cause she gets off work in an hour.

 

I don't even care If I'm over Sharing but I've done this like 3 times. One was with this mega babe that all my friends and I hung out with. I was the dude who finally got to "get it" and I peed the bed!!! Other times not as significant and offensive (sorry ladies for sounding so bro like) but they've always been with a girl in the bed and I wake up alone because they're like "whutttt the fuckkk" and then I have to pretend like it's funny but actually I'm pretty embarrassed.

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the thing is that I woke up around 1 and I had to leave for work at like 2. at this point, she's "pissed" that I left the sheets on the floor. but yeah shitlord, you're totally right there's no reason I couldn't have dropped the laundry off. I was thinking I could say I brought my dog over and he did the peeing, but then I went the other way. I think telling the truth is good as it brings me one step closer to being just like my heroes sean and hayes.

 

You just gotta own it. If she can't be with a man that occasionally gets black out wasted and pisses the bed maybe... Once and or twice a year than she can kick rocks!

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I have a friend (not me, I PROMISE) who drunkenly pooped in the bed, but woke up before the girl did. He snuck out and left a note that said "I can't believe how disgusting you are." I'm not sure how successful he was at tricking her into thinking she'd shit the bed, but he definitely succeeded in being the worst person ever.

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Holy fucking shit! Did you talk about "brink" or "Johnny tsunami"?!

 

We should have. Team Pup n'suds

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^booooooo

Agreed. I have a depressing number of shit-related stories from this group of college friends. It was a club sports team, so with lots of drunken bro shenanigans, and none of the oversight that a legitimate team would have. I proudly stand behind 98...no, make it 95% of the pranks and debauchery, but I'm not really down with poop stuff. That's how you transmit diseases. And it really smells bad.

 

Edit: Also it was really bad that he tried to make the girl think she'd pooped, and that he didn't stay and clean up or be honest about it.

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Anyone else pee the bed? It seems like this topic is inspiring a lot of stories.

 

I was a late bedwetter, just like Sarah Silverman. I'm pretty cool and I totally get you guys.

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I never wet the bed but I did read Sarah Silverman's book so I guess I'm an honorary bedwetter.

 

I was once however at the mall at about the age of 7 and going in to a Barnes and Noble with my parents. I really had to pee and couldn't make it to the bathroom on the other side of the mall so I made my way all the way into the back of the store, secluded from all life, pulled down my pants and did my thing in the corner. Pulled those pants right back up, strolled my way to the front of the store, found my parents and just played it all cool. We left before the crime scene was discovered but I regret not being able to hear the reaction to that.

 

I feel kind of bad about it in retrospect but ya know...nature called and the children's section of a Barnes and Noble bookstore is as good a restroom as any.

 

 

**EDIT**

 

The way I told the story, it sounds like I decided to go into the Barnes and Noble with the explicit interest of using their children's section as my own personal toilet. This was not the case. My parents were not in on my plan and I just used my resourcefulness to take the opportunity to relieve myself on some Shel Silverstein books and not in my cool OshKosh B'gosh trousers.

 

**Second Edit**

 

I pooped in the tub once

 

**Third Edit**

 

As a kid though, not as an adult.

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I was also a bed peer (pee-er?) until pretty late. I still have a paranoid freakout sometimes when I dream about going to the bathroom, because that's how my brain used to trick my lazy body into not waking up and getting out of bed. It's ok, you're at a toilet, go ahead and pee, it will be fine! Stupid trickster brain. Also, my sister apparently took it as a point of pride to get so drunk that she peed the bed. She and her cool friends called it "P'ing the B." Which does make it seem pretty cool. I also know a couple pee based jokes. One is for a bumper sticker for a car that is parked next to a swimming pool, and it says "Welcome to our swimming ool. Notice that it doesn't have a letter P. That's intentional, and let's please keep it that way." The other joke is that a little kid is reciting the alphabet in class and she says "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." The teacher asks "where's the P?" and she says "Notice that my alphabet has no P in it, let's please keep it that way." Oh, and another joke is that one guy says to another guy, "Say 'mother may I' and then spell 'cup,'" and the second guy says "Mother may I C-U." The first guy asks him why he didn't finish spelling 'cup,'" and the first guy replies, "You'll notice that my cup has no P in it. Please stop peeing in my cup." And that's all the pee jokes I know.

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I know a similar joke that I just wrote right now:

 

Master P and Cordozar Broadus Jr. (Snoop Dogg) (Snoop Lion?) are walking their dogs. Snoop Dogg's (Lion's?) dog looks at Master P's dog and says, "You'll notice that my master has no P in it. Please keep it that way." Then Master P's dog peed on Snoop Dogg (Lion?) and said, "There may be no P in your master but now, their is certainly pee on him." Snoop Dogg's (Lion's?) dog looks up at Snoop Dogg (Lion?) with a "oh, you gotta be kidding me" face to which Snoop shrugs. Master P and his dog fly away on jetpacks and then Snoop throws away his large fountain soda and says, "I gotta get to a restroom. After drinking all of that liquid, there is a lot of pee in your master." So Snoop Dogg (Lion?) went to a restroom and relieved himself and then said to his dog when he finished, "You'll notice that your master no longer has any pee in him. Please keep it that way."

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I once encountered a fresh poop right in the doorway of the Whole Foods in New Orleans. I am quite sure that it was a human poop, it was right by the automatic doors from the parking garage into the building, not a place anyone would have a reason to bring an animal. My question was whether it was the result of a poop emergency, or a rage/revenge poop targeted toward Whole Foods. My followup question was if it was a revenge poop, did the person bring it in a bag and put it there, or were theybrave/crazy/angry enough to squat down between the sliding doors and poop right on the spot.

 

I saw it at the same time as a poor store worker and we both looked at it and then he looked up at me and I just gave him the solemn nod that says "Yep. That's a poop, and it is probably going to be up to you to deal with it. Sorry, friend." Then I silently edged past him and the poop and bought some groceries.

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I know a similar joke that I just wrote right now:

 

Master P and Cordozar Broadus Jr. (Snoop Dogg) (Snoop Lion?) are walking their dogs. Snoop Dogg's (Lion's?) dog looks at Master P's dog and says, "You'll notice that my master has no P in it. Please keep it that way." Then Master P's dog peed on Snoop Dogg (Lion?) and said, "There may be no P in your master but now, their is certainly pee on him." Snoop Dogg's (Lion's?) dog looks up at Snoop Dogg (Lion?) with a "oh, you gotta be kidding me" face to which Snoop shrugs. Master P and his dog fly away on jetpacks and then Snoop throws away his large fountain soda and says, "I gotta get to a restroom. After drinking all of that liquid, there is a lot of pee in your master." So Snoop Dogg (Lion?) went to a restroom and relieved himself and then said to his dog when he finished, "You'll notice that your master no longer has any pee in him. Please keep it that way."

 

I learned a fourth pee joke today. That's going in my diary and I'll be using the special glow-in-the-dark crayon!

 

I'm hesitant to tell this story, since Hurricane Dennis has earned a lot of goodwill on this forum, but he has peed on a person's leg on at least three occasions. He pees on stuff like its his job. He might actually believe that it is his job. He probably would pee on Master P (like from your joke), and then tell him "woof*." This could really happen, since Master P is from New Orleans.

 

*Dog language for "Master P, meet the P Master."

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I once encountered a fresh poop right in the doorway of the Whole Foods in New Orleans. I am quite sure that it was a human poop, it was right by the automatic doors from the parking garage into the building, not a place anyone would have a reason to bring an animal. My question was whether it was the result of a poop emergency, or a rage/revenge poop targeted toward Whole Foods. My followup question was if it was a revenge poop, did the person bring it in a bag and put it there, or were theybrave/crazy/angry enough to squat down between the sliding doors and poop right on the spot.

Well I was just at the one on Magazine last night and saw no poop, so now I'm disappointed.

 

Edit: Also, are you sure it was person poo? I bet this guy that showed up on my newsfeed had something to do with it

 

amgmmqF.jpg

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Well I was just at the one on Magazine last night and saw no poop, so now I'm disappointed.

 

Edit: Also, are you sure it was person poo? I bet this guy that showed up on my newsfeed had something to do with it

 

amgmmqF.jpg

 

It was the one on Magazine, but back in the first year that it was open. They cleaned it up pretty quickly, so it hasn't been there for several years now. My poopdar, which is usually pretty reliable, gave me the very strong impression that it was human poop. Then again, maybe the "real life" dog whisperer trained his dogs to do the unimaginable and produce human poop? The world is a very big and strange place, full of mysteries. Why do they call him the real life dog whisperer? Is the one on tv not real? I thought he was real. His show is considered "reality television" so I'm pretty distressed about this.

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I heard that squirting for girls is actually just pee. I hope that comment wasn't too crass. It's just facts and science.

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No prompting for the Popcorn Gallery this weekend, either. We've officially been dumped

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Actorman: you can keep your show, but you gotta drop the Popcorn Gallery.

Sean and Hayes: <sophie's choice>

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I think we've got an honest-to-God five hundo on our hands.

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