Episode 75 — Shelby Fero Again, Our Close Friend

[SteveH 11126]

[American Diaper's son, clutching a football, forlornly gazes at his father in front of the computer, where he has sat unmoving for the past two weeks.]

 

He's too young to even throw a football. He is corpsefucker shitlord on the forums though.

[Ensendada Slim 480]

What is a preferable like-to-post ratio? How liberally should I be handing them out?

 

One cool thing is to like the posts you see and like and post whenever you feel like it

[devscoots 2561]

"I like to write words on the internet sometimes and it's fun" - The How the Hollywood Handbook Forums Should Be Story

[dixon 5920]

It's a little early in the week for me to bust out such an awesome update, but I had to spread the good news. I got a package today, and if last week is any indication, you'll be very excited to know that it was a pair of Dennis-fur knit gloves. They are fuckin' sick as hell, but unfortunately its basically summer weather in New Orleans from here on out. They were supposed to be flip top mitten-gloves, but my sister ran out of Dennis yarn and her spinning wheel is broken. Sisters are great, if you don't have one, you should get one ASAP.

 

Spunky, approximately how much of your wardrobe would you say is made from the hair of your dogs? Also, I had a dream with Hurricane Dennis in it, except he was more blonde.

[Casaba 5942]

Viggo Sia,

Who had the short story prompt from a few forums ago? Was that a one time only quiz? We need guidance and supervision.

 

Stories are always welcome. I would now like to hear a short two or three paragraph story containing a fork, three fingers and a television. Also your main character's name is Cardamom.

[dixon 5920]

I'm more of a lord nikon kind of guy, but crash override rulez too.

Shout out from Sean on today's cbb ads

[Zsinjeh 1677]

engineer brett can you rename hollywood handbook to 'aaaa111 hollywood handbook' so it appears higher on my itunes and on the forums, thank you

 

 

e:

also I made a really neat youtube suggestion for I4H could you fastrack that through the pipeline

*flashes Hollywood Handbook pro-version card and a knowing wink*

[SteveH 11126]

Cardamom absent-mindedly flipped through a magazine on the front porch. It was a breezy early spring day on the Maine coast. Not quite warm, but a welcome respite from the long, cold chill of the last few months. Vestiges of winter still remained in the breeze that rustled the magazine pages as Cardamom tried to read another tedious article about 'what women really think', but the warm sunlight on his face was a reminder of the thaw, and the spring to come.

 

As Cardamom continued flipping through the magazine, he noticed that he was finding it increasingly difficult to turn the pages. "must be stuck together", he thought, "i'll just lick my finger". Cardamom raised his hand towards his mouth and was startled by a sharp pain on his tongue skin. He looked in horror as he realized that 3 of his fingers were missing, and in their place were dinner forks, real silver, judging by the taste.

 

He ran into the house in a panic. As he passed by the TV, something caught his eye. The news crawl at the bottom of the screen said something about "forkman suffers critical head injury while saving children from a burning bus, escapes from hospital." Just then, the forks were pulled out of his hands with great force, causing Cardamom agonizing pain. He fell to his knees and doubled over. Two purple boots appeared before him.

 

"Did you think I wouldn't find you?" a voice boomed. That voice triggered something in cardamom and his mind was flooded with all of the memories he had been missing since he escaped from the hospital.

 

"I hoped you wouldn't find me, Magneto, but part of me always knew that you would." "Can I have those forks back? They belonged to my Grandmother."

 

The End.

[KempPettyjohn 20]

I want to post in this forum but you all are way too smart for me.

 

help

[Chandler Bing.com 60]

Stories are always welcome. I would now like to hear a short two or three paragraph story containing a fork, three fingers and a television. Also your main character's name is Cardamom.

 

TITLE - FORKY PIG

 

welcome to the TV SHOW and I am your host, the cardigan wearing mom of eveyrone's dreams Cardamom. our first guest is mr. confidence who has been successful in everything.

 

cardamom - You've warmed our hearts with countless roles in every movie anyone has ever seen from "porridge wars" to the super bowl, and you've never not smiled once the whole time, and you do it all with a cocksure swagger imitated by babies when they first learn to walk. To say you are an icon for the ages would be a meager attempt at some close approximation to the love you pour out of your soul on a millisecond basis. with this much love to give and only 7 billion people to give it to, do you ever think about entertaining aliens???

 

Mr Confidence - yes, my penis is like ET's finger.

 

(aliens arrive and a massive finger sword fight ensues, and Rodney Dangerfield yells "We're all gonna get laid"!!!)

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Spunky, approximately how much of your wardrobe would you say is made from the hair of your dogs? Also, I had a dream with Hurricane Dennis in it, except he was more blonde.

 

You've seen the entirety of it. I wish I had a Hurricane Dennis onesie with a hood and dog ears, but I don't.

I will say, however, that 100% of my wardrobe has dog hair woven into it, as does every piece of fabric or upholstry in my house and car.

 

I'm glad Dennis was in your dream - appearing in dreams is just a thing he likes to do sometimes for his fans.

 

Edit:

[Joe McGurl 8358]

Talk to Joe McGurl and see if you can get that added to the forum rules document. Otherwise, I will continue to be embarrassing.

 

Guideline 1: Quality, not quantity

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

I want to post in this forum but you all are way too smart for me.

 

help

I'm not going to name names, but I suspect that several of the people on here are not all that smart. So unless you are REALLY dumb, I wouldn't be too intimidated.

[SteveH 11126]

 

Guideline 1: Quality, not quantity

 

oooh i thought it was quantity, not equality

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

You're both wrong, its "qualify, not quantitate."

[Chandler Bing.com 60]

is this the q-ute queueu?

[Keith Urban Dictionary 216]

Sooooooooooo, is Sean and Hayes really auditioning to be on Comedy Bang Bang? Or are they auditioning to takeover for Hot Saucerman to be the hosts of the show (ala Jimmy Fallon and the Tonights Show)? Aquiring minds want to know

[kobthatreal 5896]

Who do you guys think is gonna be cuttin down the nets this year? Lots of talk about this near the water cooler today. So far i said fisherman and everyone looked at me funny. Then some one said Kentucky and i said yea duh thats where fisherman is from. Still dont know what theyre talking about but i think that got me of the hook(no pun intended.)

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

If Scott Awkwardman wanted to audition them for his job, I think a better way would be for him to send some of his high-powered guests to the Handbook pod to see how they do. I'm talking your Sarah Silvermans, your Tim Allens, your Niel Degrasse Tysons, etc. Then, if that goes well, the guys could replace his podcast with the Holleywood Handbook when he is ready to hang up his cleats. Just move right up into his primo timeslot.

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Who do you guys think is gonna be cuttin down the nets this year? Lots of talk about this near the water cooler today. So far i said fisherman and everyone looked at me funny. Then some one said Kentucky and i said yea duh thats where fisherman is from. Still dont know what theyre talking about but i think that got me of the hook(no pun intended.)

 

Wouldn't it be an awesome psych out move to cut down the nets before your game? I think a display of confidence on that level would be sure to intimidate any opponent.

[Chandler Bing.com 60]

Sooooooooooo, is Sean and Hayes really auditioning to be on Comedy Bang Bang? Or are they auditioning to takeover for Hot Saucerman to be the hosts of the show (ala Jimmy Fallon and the Tonights Show)? Aquiring minds want to know

 

This whole podcast game is pure Nepotism. Once Scott finds a baby then he can take vacations, and if an earpiece is put in the babies ears with Scott telling it what to say and then the whole town will look to see whose talking?

[SteveH 11126]

Who do you guys think is gonna be cuttin down the nets this year? Lots of talk about this near the water cooler today. So far i said fisherman and everyone looked at me funny. Then some one said Kentucky and i said yea duh thats where fisherman is from. Still dont know what theyre talking about but i think that got me of the hook(no pun intended.)

 

I think they're talking about the people who cut Dolphins who get stuck in those big fishing nets. Just say Jaques Costeau.

[Chandler Bing.com 60]

I thought it was collage sports, and people would build mosaics and even people in the nosebleeds can see what is happening.

[kobthatreal 5896]

I think whoever put the nets up should cut them down. I hate when people pass the buck like that.

[Keith Urban Dictionary 216]

I think they're talking about the people who cut Dolphins who get stuck in those big fishing nets. Just say Jaques Costeau.

 

Yes, thats right because I did have the Dolphins winning it all and Lebron James as the MVP