Episode 127 - Kazaam: LIVE!

[RyanSz 3140]

Listening to this now and am shocked in the discussion of Max that no one brought up that Francis Capra grows up to become a gang leader Weevil Navarro on "Veronica Mars." Perhaps the genie showering in front of him was what lead him to kill that other guy in the stadium explosion.

 

He was also in "Crank" so that means he's been in two HDTGM episodes. Add him to the faves, people!

 

Yeah I had just posted that in the All Stars thread. He was also the young version of De Niro's son in A Bronx Tale. Also I completely forgot that they killed the shit out of a little kid in this movie, how high do you have to be to think that the only thing that can save your Shaq as a rapping genie movie is by killing off a pre-teen?

[Cameron H. 23786]

So...say you're walking down the street, and a nearly 7 foot man in flamboyant clothes approaches you and says, "I'm your genie. Make three wishes, and then I'll be out of your life forever." I mean, of course you have to make a wish (since you never know), but if that man fails to grant that wish, yet continues to stalk you and insist that you need to make three wishes for him to go away, just know that what you're dealing with is a crazy person. What Max should have done, aside from calling the police, is just made three stupidly simple "wishes" (e.g. buy me a Coke, throw this in the trash for me, etc) and just been done with it.

 

I will say though, based on this movie, I have now come up with the proper way a genie's three wishes should be spent.

 

It's something I like to call, "Cameron H's Foolproof Guide to Getting the Most Out of Your Genie."

 

FIRST WISH: Almost immediately, you want to start out with a moderate-sized wish. You want to pick something big enough to make sure your genie is on the up and up, but not so large that you're ill-prepared for any unforeseen consequences. For instance, you don't want to wish to be the Emperor of the World--that's just not a role a person can just jump right into. You have to ask yourself, "Am I prepared to deal with geopolitical intrigue and the inevitable assassination attempts?" Probably not. The problem with going too big right off the rip, is you're going to end up in a position where you're going to have to waste another one of your wishes fixing or reversing it. In this regard, I think Max (wishing for a Jaguar) did pretty good job, although I think a sensible, midsize sedan with decent gas mileage would have been sufficient. Once again, if you go too extravagant, you may end up with increased insurance costs and taxes that you're unprepared for.

 

It is also important to ask this question almost as soon as the words are out of the genie's mouth. You don't need to be wasting your fucking time time with hucksters and crazy people. By asking right away, you eliminate this risk.

 

SECOND WISH: Hurray! Your genie delivered on your first wish and there weren't any ironic "Monkey's Paw"-esque drawbacks! You're the proud owner of a new 2016 Toyota Camry! Now, you're on your second wish, but hold onto your camels, because this is the big one. First of all, tell your genie to shut up for a second, because you've got to think. It may be YEARS before you make this wish, because you're going to have to word it so cunningly that you can get the most bang for your buck. Do you want money? Power? Fame? Well, if you frame your question correctly you can have all three--and more! If necessary, hire a lawyer to close any potential loopholes--if you wish correctly--it will be well worth the investment. The Second Wish is the wish that's all about you.

 

Also--be warned--during the Second Wish deliberation period, your genie is going to start pestering you to go ahead and make it already, but you can't let him rattle you. Take. Your. Time. A good distraction would be to organize a series of wacky adventures for you and your genie to share. This will trick it into developing an emotional attachment to you and a false sense of friendship. This will be important because...

 

THIRD WISH: You gotta free your genie, bro. That's what wish three is all about--freedom. However, if you did your job right on your Second Wish, you're now a world famous, bulletproof, multi-millionaire, sex instructor living in your rocket powered villa on the Mediterranean Sea. But what's more important, is that you now have an all-powerful, former genie "friend" who feels so indebted to you for "generously" giving your last wish for its freedom that it will remain with you indefinitely, foolishly granting you all your whims for the rest of time. Congratulations!

[PeterSheldon 49]

Here's the Kazaam spoof.

[RyanSz 3140]

So...say you're walking down the street, and a nearly 7 foot man in flamboyant clothes approaches you and says, "I'm your genie. Make three wishes, and then I'll be out of your life forever." I mean, of course you have to make a wish (since you never know), but if that man fails to grant that wish, yet continues to stalk you and continues to insist that you need to make three wishes for him to go away, just know that what you're dealing with is a crazy person. What Max should have done, aside from calling the police, is just made three stupidly simple "wishes" (e.g. buy me a Coke, throw this in the trash for me, etc) and just been done with it.

 

I will say though, based on this movie, I have now come up with the proper way a genie's three wishes should be spent.

 

It's something I like to call, "Cameron H's Foolproof Guide to Getting the Most Out of Your Genie."

 

FIRST WISH: Almost immediately, you want to start out with a moderate-sized wish. You want to pick something big enough to make sure your genie is on the up and up, but not so large that you're ill-prepared for any unforeseen consequences. For instance, you don't want to wish to be the Emperor of the World--that's just not a role a person can just jump right into. You have to ask yourself, "Am I prepared to deal with geopolitical intrigue and the inevitable assassination attempts?" Probably not. The problem with going too big right off the rip, is you're going to end up in a position where you're going to have to waste another one of your wishes fixing or reversing it. In this regard, I think Max (wishing for a Jaguar) did pretty good job, although I think a sensible, midsize sedan with decent gas mileage would have been sufficient. Once again, if you go too extravagant, you may end up with increased insurance costs and taxes that you're unprepared for.

 

It is also important to ask this question almost as soon as the words are out of the genie's mouth. You don't need to be wasting your fucking time time with hucksters and crazy people. By asking right away, you eliminate this risk.

 

SECOND WISH: Hurray! Your genie delivered on your first wish and there weren't any "Monkey's Paw"-esque ironic drawbacks! You're the proud owner of a new 2016 Toyota Camry! Now, you're on your second wish, but hold onto your camels, because this is the big one. First of all, tell your genie to shut up for a second, because you've got to think. It may be YEARS before you make this wish, because you're going to have to word it so cunningly that you can get the most bang for your buck. Do you want money? Power? Fame? Well, if you frame your question correctly you can have all three--and more! If necessary, hire a lawyer to close any potential loopholes--if you wish correctly--it will be well worth the investment. The Second Wish is the wish that's all about you.

 

Also--be warned--during the Second Wish deliberation period, your genie is going to start pestering you to go ahead and make it already, but you can't let him rattle you. Take. Your. Time. A good distraction would be to organize a series of wacky adventures for you and your genie to share. This will trick it into developing an emotional attachment to you and a false sense of friendship. This will be important because...

 

THIRD WISH: You gotta free your genie, bro. That's what wish three is all about--freedom. However, if you did your job right on your Second Wish, you're now a world famous, bulletproof, multi-millionaire, sex instructor living in your rocket powered villa on the Mediterranean Sea. But what's more important, is that you now have an all-powerful, former genie "friend" who feels so indebted to you for "generously" giving your last wish for its freedom that it will remain with you indefinitely, foolishly granting you all your whims for the rest of time. Congratulations!

I think I need to edit your guide Cameron.

 

Step one: Wish for infinite wishes them pimpslap your genie.

 

Step two: bro out for the rest of your awesome, never ending, wish filled life.

 

The end.

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

Yeah I had just posted that in the All Stars thread. He was also the young version of De Niro's son in A Bronx Tale. Also I completely forgot that they killed the shit out of a little kid in this movie, how high do you have to be to think that the only thing that can save your Shaq as a rapping genie movie is by killing off a pre-teen?

 

I would love to know if this was always a rapping genie movie or if they had to randomly add the music subplot because Shaq wanted to rap. My money is on the latter.

 

I hiope Shaq is on FRESH OFF THR BOAT again and has scenes will Paul so he can ask.

[jarrycanada 2483]

 

 

PeterSheldo, perfect but you should make the newspaper quote as "literally fun"

[SeveralCircles 426]

OMISSION:

 

"Kay Cannon" could have been Kazaam's rap name.

[SeveralCircles 426]

 

I will say though, based on this movie, I have now come up with the proper way a genie's three wishes should be

 

I spent (ie wasted) a lot of time today thinking about what I could wish for that could make sense in the real world, and it seems pretty tough. Even assuming the genie doesnt Monkey's Paw your wish into an ironic curse, it seems difficult to wish for material goods of any large value without it ruining your life.

 

If Kazaam had actuallly produced a luxuy car for Max, how would he (or anyone else) explain to the IRS that he suddenly owns a vehicle with a 6 figure price tag, with no record of the transaction or the source of that income? You'd have to never get it insured (not that you could afford to anyway), never get caught in even a minor traffic incident that might lead someone to check your plates, and oh yeah not be a 10 to 12 year old child driving a baller-ass car.

 

Imagine the disaster that would be wishing for money. Youd have to either get: direct deposit to a bank which would immediately flag your account; a stack of legitimate bills which would immediately be reported stolen; or bills with made up serial numbers whixh would essentially be counterfeit. Maybe if you wished for stacks of gold bullion you could hide it in a storage locker and slowly trade it in at a seedy Cash4Gold for a modest second income. Just dont expect to be able to explain that to your future spouse, let alone your financial planner.

 

Suddenly a warehouse full of burritos seems like a reasonable option. It would still end up as national news but at least nobody would try to put you in jail for tax evasion.

[Glen Toran 94]

Theres an old joke I heard many years ago that I cant possibly post in its entirety without getting banned, but it does deal with genies and wishes and addresses perfectly two out of the three wishes.

 

The Irishman (as it always is in these jokes) first asks for a never ending bottle of Guinness - other beers, stouts, porters, lagers and ales would be perfectly acceptable too I presume. This seems ideal for establishing genie bona fides and also is perfect for not drawing the attention of others, its just a bottle of beer after all. Though I wouldnt want to knock it over and forget, or it might leave one fucker of a mess given a few minutes.

 

The second wish is a stroke of genius on the Irish fella's part.

It's a pair of trousers -'pants' to you Colonials - in which every time you put your hand in your pocket you pull out a tenner - or ten or twenty dollar bills depending on which side of the Atlantic you're on.

You see, its a source of instant but modest wealth but again without drawing attention to yourself.

Unless the trousers are bright yellow or an orange plaid or something.

And even then if you haul your now gaudy arse down to the nearest golf club you could blend in pretty easily while replenishing your funds.

The drawback here is that this cash will be hard to launder. Literally, and I mean literally 'literally', not a Paul Scheer 'literally'.

Would you risk throwing these things into the washing machine when they get a bit stained and manky?

Of course when they reach that state then you could just hang them in your wardrobe and stick your hand in the pockets a few times while they're still hanging there if you need some funds for a night out or some other treat.

Also if your house does get raided by the tax men - the IRS in your case, the HMRC in mine - what are they going to see? Just an old decrepit pair of tatty oul breeks hanging there limply in the wardrobe. No secret panels concealing spaces stuffed with cash, gold or drugs. So suck on that, 'the Man'!

 

The Irishman's third wish, the one I cant post, is, inevitably, his monkey's paw one, his over reach. It doesnt end well for him at all.

Lets just say that I heard the joke in the late 70s, a different time with different attitudes and its more than a little racist.

Bearing in mind that the protagonist is a typical male, then you can probably guess the gist of his wish anyway.

 

But the first two wishes are your ideal template for the next time you run into a 7 and a half foot tall genie in the street.

[pscudese 701]

No "Jacob's Ladder"?!?

 

 

Sorry, but come on... AIRBORNE!!!!

 

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001293/

[pscudese 701]

Yay!!

 

Da-Brat making her 2nd appearance on HDTGM.

 

[pscudese 701]

How about that Pedro (Efren Ramirez) sighting?!

 

[pscudese 701]

I don't know if anyone else had difficulties hearing most of the dialogue in this film, but I feel Max and Shaq mumbled their way through it.

 

So based on that, I pulled a Zukes and watched the entire thing closed captioned and low and behold... look at some of these rap lyrics taking place IN A KID'S MOVIE!

 

Shaq: "Grab grab four of your friends; we'll have a sextet."

​Female Rapper: "I got your sweat; but can this man slam it?"

 

 

 

 

[Molly L. 99]

Oh, man this movie...I can't believe I never saw it as a kid. I honestly remember Shaq more as a media personality (

) way more than I remember him actually playing basketball.

 

Here's my main gripe. When the woman (I think her name is Asia?) that the club owner sends on a date with Kazaam comes back and is talking to him about how it went, she says, "He's about as interesting as his pituitary gland." I must come to the defense of the pituitary gland. It's a small endocrine gland about the size of a pea attached to the hypothalamus (a structure toward the base of the brain) and it's literally called the "master gland." It plays a role in regulating functions such as fertility, kidney function, blood pressure, and muscle and bone growth. Perhaps this line is a reference to his height possibly being the result of pituitary malfunction (which is a thing -- called acromegaly) -- thought I don't know if Shaquille O'Neill has this specifically), but that seems like giving the writers too much credit. PLUS, if his pituitary gland isn't working properly, then it totally isn't boring! I guess I'm an aspiring scientist and not a nightclub owner's puppet, so perhaps I am looking at this through the wrong lens, but either way, it's a shitty analogy.

 

UNLESS...she is a closet pituitary enthusiast, knows all of this, and is secretly saying that he's really interesting, because she does actually like him (right?) but doesn't want to let on. But that is definitely giving the writers too much credit. I would like to know how they decided on that line, though.

[Glen Toran 94]

 

I love Jacob's Ladder, how dare you.

 

Hey PlanBFromOuterSpace why Jacob's Ladder?

 

You must be talking about another movie not the one with Tim Robbins in it.

 

I think your talking about the concert movie by rush.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzcA8_EkYQ0

 

or this

 

 

Best song about a fishing trip ever!

 

Good God, I love Rush.

[EricaBowman 2]

The dedication to Elizabeth, Ariel and Jake is referring to Paul Michael Glaser's wife and children. Elizabeth Glaser was a Pediatric AIDS activist after contracting HIV from a blood transfusion received while giving birth to Ariel. The HIV virus was transmitted to both children. Ariel Glaser passed away in 1988 and Elizabeth Glaser passed away in 1994.

 

Also in the podcast it is theorized that Shaq likes kids. He is invested in education at very least. He earned his Educational Doctorate (Ed.D) in Human Resource Development in 2012. We could be taking classes from Professor Dr. Shaq if he gets bored doing his Gold Bond and Buick commercials.

[Ben Zwaggins 1]

Long time listener, first time blah blah blah.

 

With all this Shaq action I have to say I'm shocked that the following three words have not been said:

 

Freddy. Got. Fingered.

 

Shaq's role in the Tom Green classic is epic. He straight up bangs Tom Green's mom (well, it's implied banging, but still)! Come on, guys, get it together.

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

The dedication to Elizabeth, Ariel and Jake is referring to Paul Michael Glaser's wife and children. Elizabeth Glaser was a Pediatric AIDS activist after contracting HIV from a blood transfusion received while giving birth to Ariel. The HIV virus was transmitted to both children. Ariel Glaser passed away in 1988 and Elizabeth Glaser passed away in 1994.

 

 

There is an Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation.

 

Not knowing what happened to Elizabeth, Ariel and Jake is also reflected in their suggestion that Paul Glaser might have written the movie in response to going through a divorce! It was just an offhand could-be-factually-wrong thing, but ouch.

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

Omission. They didn't bring up that they just had to cram in some basketball in that Kazaam bizarrely chose to dispatch Malik by turning him into a ball and dunking him down a trash chute.

 

But that's not a contrived reference to Shaq's difficulties making free throws, like the grenade in Steel! So it only half counts.

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

Starsky also directed "The Running Man" before going on to more family-friendly fare. What the hell happened?

 

Well, by the early '90s Arnold Schwarzenegger's image had been domesticated, with Kindergarten Cop and Last Action Hero (whose kid stand-in for its own intended audience casually goes to a Schwarzenegger movie, not even with his family, but completely unsupervised).

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

What is the setup of Max's school? He is 12 so can't be past 7th grade. Some of his bullies are shown driving so they are presumably at least 16 (unless they are doubling down on being scofflaws). Is this a combined junior high and high school? That seems like a bad setup for the younger kids. I say the real villain of this movie is the school board.

 

It's not unheard of for a school to have even K-12 grades together. For instance, Hunter College Elementary School (K-6) and High School (7-12) are in the same building. Lin-Manuel Miranda is among the famous alumni who were there from age 6 all the way to graduating high school.

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

I have a couple of huge questions in regard to use and effectiveness of Kazaam's powers.

 

In the movie, he repeatedly tells Max that he can't do "ethereal." He lists things like, "Love, hope, talking to God, raising the dead" as things he can't do and at least twice says that he "can't touch destiny." But isn't granting a wish, on almost any scale, by definition "changing destiny?"

 

And it comes off as even worse in comparison to how clear-cut the limits are for the genie in Aladdin. There's not much ambiguity or wiggle room in "I can't kill anybody", "I can't make anybody fall in love", and "I can't bring people back from the dead."

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

It's an irony comparable to Men in Black positing that CDs would be replaced by smaller CDs that just a bit after 1996, those blank CDs would have been worth more blank.

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

What's the deal with the store that originally has Kazaam's lamp? From the sign advertising only "LAMPS", and from what we see of its interior, it seems to specialize in lamps. Also, it's several stories above ground in the building being demolished, which looks more like a residential apartment than a place with any other stores. How were there ever enough customers willing to go out of their way and up several floors solely to buy antique lamps to keep this place in business?

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

 

Well, by the early '90s Arnold Schwarzenegger's image had been domesticated, with Kindergarten Cop and Last Action Hero (whose kid stand-in for its own intended audience casually goes to a Schwarzenegger movie, not even with his family, but completely unsupervised).

No, I meant what happened in regards to Starsky's film directing career. It went from the greatness of "Running Man" to family stuff, as it was followed by "The Cutting Edge", "The Air Up There", and then "Kazaam".