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One of many, many shit movies adapted from video games.

 

Where do you start with this thing? It's hard when there is so much wrong for one movie. Christian Slater sleepwalks through another horrible film (again). Stephen Dorff chews scenery as a no-nonsense paramilitary-ish dude. And Tara Reid... Jesus.

 

Then you have over-long firefights with would-be-shitty-in-the-90's CG monsters. A gag-inducing love scene with Slater and Reid. A ludicrous script that has little to no resemblance to the games. And... seriously, gawdamn Tara Reid is so fucking bad.

 

On top of everything, this is a Uwe Boll joint. So there's that too.

 

That said though, this movie is an absolute HOOT!

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Whoever decided that Tara Reid would make a convincing scientist needs to get fired like in this one scene she pronounces Newfoundland wrong! And the opening text crawl takes so long, that you literally have to fast forward it to get through the mess.

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This could have been better if it was based on the first 3 games instead of being loosely based the 4th one.

 

Up to that point, Alone in the Dark games were basically resident evil style games with Cthulhu mythos, Pirates, Santa, Cowboys and ghost cat werewolf cowboys you fought as a reincarnated mountain lion. (well, resident evil were alone in the dark style games I guess).

 

Instead of going for a modern one which was suddenly about parasitic xfiles reject bat monsters or whatever. Also I spent most the time watching this waiting for Carnby to chuck something really feebly in slow motion across the room, if that happened the whole thing would have been worth it for me.

 

And the opening text crawl takes so long, that you literally have to fast forward it to get through the mess.

 

Well, that at least is true to the games.

 

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I apologise if somebody already mentioned this gem, but I didn't see an existing thread. If so, please delete this AND it just confirms that this needs to be discussed on the show.

 

Alone In The Dark

2005

 

Directed by Uwe Boll

 

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 1%

IMDB Ratings: 2.3

Metascore: 9/100

 

Staring: Christian Slater

Tara Reid

Stephen Dorff

 

Plot:

A detective (Christian Slater) who specializes in the occult & other paranormal subjects investigates Abkani, the ancient Mayan-like civilization that worshiped demonic creatures from another dimension. With the help of his ex-girlfriend Aline (Tara Reid) who works as the assistant curator at the city's Museum of Natural History, they try and stop the invasion of the Alien-like creatures from pouring through a portal from their world.

 

Budget $20 million

Box Office: $10 million

 

Stinkers Bad Movie Awards 2005

Worst Pictures - WON

Worst Actress - WON

Worst Special Effects - WON

Worst Director - WON

Worst Song - Nominated

 

Game Trailers ranked the film as the third worst video game of all time.

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On top of everything, this is a Uwe Boll joint. So there's that too.

 

 

Yeah, consider out of all the movies Uwe (Mr. Boll as he likes to be addressed) has directed, this is ranked worse than,

In the Name of the King

House of the Dead

Bloodrayne

...and one of my all time favorite batshit crazy movies, Blubberella. Which happens to be a spoof of Bloodrayne, which he directed.

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There are more great things to mock than I can possibly sum up in this movie. I remember a scene where you can see a girl who doesn't realize she's on camera watching for her cue and nodding to acknowledge it before "walking in" to the scene. AND THEY KEPT THAT TAKE.

 

I also think Stephen Dorff's entire performance was based on the idea that he missed nap time. And his crew of SUPER SECRET soldiers who can invade a museum in the middle of a major city with guns and helicopters and everything while remaining TOTALLY SUPER SECRET.

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I would have to put my vote in for Alone in the Dark with Christian Slater and Tara Reid. As much as I love Christian Slater as an actor, this movie was the only movie I contemplated walking out on more than once. In my opinion, this is a horrible movie and deserves to be seen by June, Paul and Jason.

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WLypuD1.gif

 

If only they used more things from the old games...

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Has no one suggested the crtitically hated, Tara Reid and Christian Slater occult thriller voted as the second worst,film of all time on Rotten Tomatoes?

 

Tara Reid plays a scientist whose every line sounds like a grab bag pull from fortune cookies.

 

Christian Slater is a man with a sixth sense for the paranormal.

 

Adapted from a popular video game series.

 

Pleeeeeease watch this movie. With booze. A lot of booze.

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Remember the scene where Christian Slater's character shoots a bunch of the zombies/infected/whatthef*ckevers in broad daylight with a gun he wrestled away from a cop and then just nonchalantly walks home? Does, like, NO ONE in the world of the movie even want an explanation from him about what just happened?

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Christian Slater is supposed to save us all and yet he can't even master turning pages in a magazine.

 

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When they chose In The Name of the King as their only Uwe Boll movie I was like nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! That is the most boring one! Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead are both amazing pieces of cinema. I own both of them, including the director's cut of AITD, which removes most of Tara Reid's dialogue from the film. Why? Because the director thought she as awful. How do I know that? Because he says so in the DVD commentary when he's not fighting his dogs. 

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Are they only doing one Uwe Boll film?!? Because Alone in the Dark is by far the most wild one that the podcast would have a field day with!

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