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Episode 204 - Holiday in Handcuffs (w/ Jessica St. Clair)

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2 hours ago, Cameron H. said:

It bothered me to the core of my being that this family’s tradition was to write letters to Santa on Christmas Eve. I mean, Santa’s elves need time to make the shit. I believe all letters to Santa should be postmarked no later than December 1st. Last minute letters and addendums should be summarily fed to Santa’s bloodthirsty hoard of dire polar bears.

Furthermore, I found it pretty rich that MJH gives Dimps crap over his list being “superficial” and “materialistic” because he asked for an SUV and a pasta maker when the first two items on her own list are “tiki lights” and a “Chinese tea set.” She might as well add “accusatory black pot” to her list.

Also, I found it hilarious that she broke out the wine to write their lists because it would “take awhile,” and then we come to find out that, between the two of them, they only asked for five items: fully loaded SUV, pasta maker, tiki lights, Chinese tea set, and “stop disappointing parents.” Jesus Christ, they went through an entire bottle writing fourteen freaking words?!? Just how long does it take these numb nuts to write anything? Perhaps they should add literacy and writing fluency to the list of intangibles they wish to receive from Santa...

I am willing to give some leeway here because as a child I had an active correspondence with my personal tooth fairy Sally. She wrote me notes when I lost a tooth and sometimes my mom and I would write a note with my tooth. I agree all wish lists should have been sent out ages ago, but a nice note to Santa is fine and sometimes I am sure would be appreciated. Probably more than  a handful of shitty Oreos.

what Slater and Sabrina are doing is not that. 

 

Sidenote she has to know her family is going to see this list. That is super manipulative to leave something like that on a list as an adult. She has every right to feel that but it's very dramatic and bound to cause a thing by doing that.  That kind of shit you talk face to face , preferably in therapy.

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2 hours ago, GalenHoward said:

That character was insane. And it killed me in his second scene when the dad joins Nick to pay for the olive oil. He says, "I got a little woman at home who loves everything lathered up in oil... That's the best thing about the holidays, no guilt. (leaning into Nick) Right son?" Then we cut back to the clerk looking on in disgust. So presumably he now thinks this is some incestuous orgy, and that crosses the line for his small town store clerk sensibilities. All that to justify him pulling a gun on Nick moments later.

BDSM is all fine and dandy but cross generational orgies are too much for this man's sensibilities.

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8 minutes ago, gigi-tastic said:

I am willing to give some leeway here because as a child I had an active correspondence with my personal tooth fairy Sally. She wrote me notes when I lost a tooth and sometimes my mom and I would write a note with my tooth. I agree all wish lists should have been sent out ages ago, but a nice note to Santa is fine and sometimes I am sure would be appreciated. Probably more than  a handful of shitty Oreos.

what Slater and Sabrina are doing is not that. 

 

Sidenote she has to know her family is going to see this list. That is super manipulative to leave something like that on a list as an adult. She has every right to feel that but it's very dramatic and bound to cause a thing by doing that.  That kind of shit you talk face to face , preferably in therapy.

Oh, you HAVE to leave a thank you note to Santa (and reindeer). It would be rude not to. Santa works hard and deserves some freaking appreciation. What you can’t do is leave a note that’s like, “BTW - while you’re here, I want some tiki lights.” That’s a one way ticket to Coal Town if you ask me.

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2 hours ago, GrantKanigan said:

Hey all! New to the boards, so if I’m posting in the wrong place let me know!

 

At the beginning of the podcast, they talk about where the film is supposed to be set; ‘New York, some midwestern US city.’ It was actually filmed in my hometown, in Calgary, Alberta Canada. The final scene actually zooms out and shows the entire city. The wood cabin scenes were shot put in Bragg Creek and area, a small hamlet outside of Calgary.  It’s a small detail, but they made no refrence to the actual city it was supposed to take place in, so I’m just going to say it took place in my hometown, as that’s where they shot it! Not a big detail, but I couldn’t resist giving a shout out to Calgary! 

I had a feeling this was shot in Canada as the sign at the general store said “No personal ‘cheques’”.

But I don’t think this film is meant to take place in New York.  When Dimps’ girlfriend goes to the police station, there is a sign indicating it is the Madison, Wisconsin police station.

Speaking of the girlfriend, her efforts to find Dimps didn’t make much sense either.  There seemed to be no sense of urgency on her part.  There appears to be several hours that pass in between the time Dimps calls her and when she goes to the police station.

Then the scenes where her and the cops interrogate the Indian diner guy and the waitress friend don’t yield much information, yet somehow they were able to find the exact cabin where he was.  Even if the waitress friend knew the general area where MJH’s was going, there is no indication she knows what the exact address of the place is.  Did the cops go barging in, guns ablazing to every single cabin near the lake until they found the right one?

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3 hours ago, GrantKanigan said:

Hey all! New to the boards, so if I’m posting in the wrong place let me know!

 

At the beginning of the podcast, they talk about where the film is supposed to be set; ‘New York, some midwestern US city.’ It was actually filmed in my hometown, in Calgary, Alberta Canada. The final scene actually zooms out and shows the entire city. The wood cabin scenes were shot put in Bragg Creek and area, a small hamlet outside of Calgary.  It’s a small detail, but they made no refrence to the actual city it was supposed to take place in, so I’m just going to say it took place in my hometown, as that’s where they shot it! Not a big detail, but I couldn’t resist giving a shout out to Calgary! 

giphy.webp

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I love the part when Slater is opening up about his past and he tells Sabrina that, after his parents died, he grew up in a one bedroom apartment with his grandfather, and then proceeds to tell her, “I learned from an early age that we’re all on our own.” Gee whiz, homeboy certainly doesn’t think much of his grandfather, does he?

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9 hours ago, firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr said:

serious question ... did you know paul played the kid from the santa clause ... true story

 

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see .....

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This is going haunt me. Paul looks like the ghost of a murdered Victorian child out for revenge. 

In other words I LOVE it

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11 hours ago, Cameron H. said:

I love the part when Slater is opening up about his past and he tells Sabrina that, after his parents died, he grew up in a one bedroom apartment with his grandfather, and then proceeds to tell her, “I learned from an early age that we’re all on our own.” Gee whiz, homeboy certainly doesn’t think much of his grandfather, does he?

That grandfather? The creepy gas station man! 

(All kidding aside fuck you Slater. Gramps could have moved to Florida and gone to June's dad's community of sex crazed widows. But instead he raised your punk ass)

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One thing I'm very curious about is what was MJH's plan? At the start of the movie, she's "weird" but not crazy. I get that she took Mario Lopez hostage without thinking it through but how did she think that would work out? Did she think he would just go with it? Fall in love?

It's frustrating because I feel that legit could write a better movie with a similar(ish) premise. I couldn't write a good movie but better than this. MJH is still having a shitty day. Her boyfriend still breaks up with her. Instead of kidnapping a guy, she just pays some rando to pretend to be her boyfriend. Maybe she kidnaps him but she gives him a financial reason to stick around. They start to fall in love from learning about each other the same way they do in the movie.  I'm sure there is a holiday movie with this premise (as the holiday romance experts, can the Cams or tomspanks confirm this?). It's not even that far off from that Andie McDowell Gerard Depardieu movie Green Card. It makes way more sense but a generic holiday romance probably doesn't get 6 million viewers like Holiday In Handcuffs did.

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56 minutes ago, grudlian. said:

One thing I'm very curious about is what was MJH's plan? At the start of the movie, she's "weird" but not crazy. I get that she took Mario Lopez hostage without thinking it through but how did she think that would work out? Did she think he would just go with it? Fall in love?

It's frustrating because I feel that legit could write a better movie with a similar(ish) premise. I couldn't write a good movie but better than this. MJH is still having a shitty day. Her boyfriend still breaks up with her. Instead of kidnapping a guy, she just pays some rando to pretend to be her boyfriend. Maybe she kidnaps him but she gives him a financial reason to stick around. They start to fall in love from learning about each other the same way they do in the movie.  I'm sure there is a holiday movie with this premise (as the holiday romance experts, can the Cams or tomspanks confirm this?). It's not even that far off from that Andie McDowell Forward Depardieu movie Green Card. It makes way more sense but a generic holiday romance probably doesn't get 6 million viewers like Holiday In Handcuffs did.

Honestly, I can’t think of one off the top of my head. Usually there’s familial - particularly maternal - pressure to get married, but not one (that I can think of) where someone has “hired” a boyfriend or fiancé.

I will say, something close, and maybe a recommendation for next year, would be Dear Santa.

In that one, Amy Acker plays a spoiled socialite whose mother gives her an ultimatum: either get married or get a job by Christmas. By chance, she stumbles on a little girl’s letter to Santa which is asking for a new wife for her widowed father. So, rather than get a job, she sets her sights on stalking this stranger and his daughter and trick him into marrying her. There is also a gay character that is absolutely, 100% respectfully and tastefully done and is in no way a cartoon character. 😐

Here’s the trailer (It’s the kind that basically shows you the whole movie, so watch at your own risk, I guess)

 

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37 minutes ago, Cameron H. said:

Honestly, I can’t think of one off the top of my head. Usually there’s familial - particularly maternal - pressure to get married, but not one (that I can think of) where someone has “hired” a boyfriend or fiancé.

I will say, something close, and maybe a recommendation for next year, would be Dear Santa.

In that one, Amy Acker plays a spoiled socialite whose mother gives her an ultimatum: either get married or get a job by Christmas. By chance, she stumbles on a little girl’s letter to Santa which is asking for a new wife for her widowed father. So, rather than get a job, she sets her sights on stalking this stranger and his daughter and trick him into marrying her. There is also a gay character that is absolutely, 100% respectfully and tastefully done and is in no way a cartoon character. 😐

Here’s the trailer (It’s the kind that basically shows you the whole movie, so watch at your own risk, I guess)

 

So, you're saying I need to pitch my idea to Hallmark Channel?

My basic idea is you still have MJH be a scatterbrained artist who doesn't quite fit in with her family. She doesn't get dumped on Christmas Eve (have a heart dude, jeez). It's a week or so before. I'd say maybe MJH finds him cheating (unless that's too risque for Hallmark) but you need a better reason to end the relationship right before Christmas than "we had sex and now I don't want you anymore." Anyway, her mom calls to confirm Christmas right after it happens and she's too broken up to mention she just got dumped. So, she says she and her boyfriend are coming.

She enlists her coworker to help her find a guy who'll go to Christmas with her family. Obviously, this doesn't work because you can get 10 minutes of comedy out of her going on date after date after date for a week. I'm picturing a Coming To America scenario where Eddie Murphy and Arsenio are meeting women in the club. It's now Christmas Eve and MJH is desperate. She tries reaching best of the guys she went on dates with but it's too late notice now and she has to leave for her parent's place in an hour.

Here's where you can really get a few different ideas out of it. MJH picks a complete rando, her coworker (who I guess is male in this scenario), maybe someone who comes into the restaurant a lot, homeless guy she sees on the way to her car. It doesn't really matter. She makes the offer of "I'll give you XXXX amount of money to spend Christmas with me and pretend to be my boyfriend!" He agrees. If we picked some random dude, they start making up his history and getting to know each other and they fall in love over the holiday like every Christmas romance movie.

If we pick her coworker, there's two ways to do it. 1. He's secretly been in love with her this whole time but she had no idea. or 2. They hated each other this whole time but they realize they aren't so different from each other. Either way, they fall in love.

I don't feel like I need to go into detail for the second half of the movie because they're all pretty much the same. Give it some awful Christmas pun name like "On the first date of Christmas..." Cast Danica McKellar or Lacey Chabert and you've got a movie. Call me, Hallmark!

©2018 grudlian

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1 hour ago, grudlian. said:

Cast Danica McKellar or Lacey Chabert and you've got a movie. Call me, Hallmark!

As I've been watching all these terrible mostly-charmless holiday movies, I think we need to move to get Earwolf improvisers in more of these.  They'll still be pretty bad movies, but the charm level will certainly improve a million times. Danica and Lacey are just stealing jobs from Wild Horses if you ask me.

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25 minutes ago, AlmostAGhost said:

As I've been watching all these terrible mostly-charmless holiday movies, I think we need to move to get Earwolf improvisers in more of these.  They'll still be pretty bad movies, but the charm level will certainly improve a million times. Danica and Lacey are just stealing jobs from Wild Horses if you ask me.

For sure. I just think it's an easier sell to Hallmark with those two actresses. There's no reason it can't be June or Nicole Byer, Jessica St. Clair, Lauren Lapkus or whoever. I think the bad dates montage is just a list improvisers going off of "worst possible first date lines" and doing their thing. At the very least, I was picturing Jason Mantzoukas in there.

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5 hours ago, grudlian. said:

For sure. I just think it's an easier sell to Hallmark with those two actresses. There's no reason it can't be June or Nicole Byer, Jessica St. Clair, Lauren Lapkus or whoever. I think the bad dates montage is just a list improvisers going off of "worst possible first date lines" and doing their thing. At the very least, I was picturing Jason Mantzoukas in there.

FINALLY a reason (not that we need a reason) to get Nicole Byer and Zukes together! Even if it is only for a horrible holiday film. Give the people what they want! Sizzling hot Mntzoukas / Byer action! 

June and Lauren star as the  quirky best friends maybe? Jessica could be his best friend?

Paul plays one of the bad dates. In my mind the dating scene is a speed dating round and we have a sort of montage of the bad dates responding to questions. Mainly because we need more weird childhood tales from Paul and I want to see improvers just be monsters.

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To all my friends here, whatever your plans, I hope you all have a Happy Holidays 😃

Merry Christmas! May your days be bereft of sentient, blues crooning snowmen, insane conflicts with your neighbors, and romantic Holiday abductions. 

ETA: Oh, and stay safe you crazy deviants ;) 

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My BF and I were bugging about how this was what, a 2-3 day trip max, yet the brother had packed enough clothing for himself and to loan to Mario the entire time, through multiple outfit changes? The mom had set out warm clothes for them to go play hockey in too... like a full hat/coat/gloves+ situation for Mario, who arrived there in a suit with no coat or anything. Not to mention that the brother wore different versions of the same outfit every single scene -- a half zip sweater, usually blue. But somehow he has clothes that fit and are attuned to the personal style of Mario's character? The brother wasn't wearing anything like that luxurious crew neck, form fitted black sweater!!

One more thing: The brother was SO weird. No one mentioned him sitting in the dark, alone, drinking beer in the garage? When MJH went to drop the trash she flipped on the light to see him there. Now, granted he was probably upset because she was "engaged" and he was still in the closet but uh, that's not anything we're going to address? And I guess it isn't the kind of thing you'd get into during an ABC Family holiday romcom but then why even add the scene in the first place? It was really odd.

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Did anyone else find it odd that MJH blindfolds Dimps to start the drive when he’s unconscious from falling on the ice, but the moment she realizes he’s awake, she takes the blindfold off?

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On 12/21/2018 at 4:58 PM, Archetypo said:

Guys, it wasn't an "Indian diner," it was just a diner that happened to be run by an Indian guy. 

Technically true . . . but the diner had Indian decor all over the place. Big statues of Ganesh and stuff. It's a strange choice if you aren't serving any Indian food. Why confuse your customers?

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On 12/21/2018 at 7:51 PM, StevenBailey said:

Just a little side note. Right after she kidnaps Mario Lopez and they are in the car talking for the first time, if you look closely, you can see that Mario Lopez is wearing an earpiece in his right ear. It's only in three shots so it can be hard to catch. Idk, but I just found that kinda funny for some reason. Why is he wearing an earpiece at all and how did none of the editors notice that it could be seen in the final cut of the movie?

I just listened to the Marc Maron podcast with Topher Grace, and in it Grace talks about how sometimes you do scenes with actors who have their lines fed to them through an earpiece, because they can't be bothered with memorizing. Mario may be busted here!

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The best gift this Christmas a amazing and hilarious studio episode! Truly the best gift I was given this year.

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Just a quick FYI that has nothing to do with this shitty movie, Zouks is getting more shout outs in the comic book world, and not just for Heynong Man. The constant talk of Jacob's Ladder situations has been used as a call out in one of the newest issues of Batman.

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On 12/22/2018 at 9:55 PM, The Human Target said:

Ten minutes in, already dying of laughter.

 

Paul needs to make a childhood stories one man spin off show called How Did I Get Made?

I had an idea similar to yours. Each week, a different guest would interview Paul based on a starter paragraph outlining one of his past misadventures. And this podcast would be called How Did We Get Scheer?

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