Episode 5 — Paul F. Tompkins, Our Close Friend

[JulyDiaz 2797]

Sean and Hayes share some of their stories from their friendship with Louis Reed and why they are the only ones who have the right to be sad about his death. Then they reopen the Teaser Freezer to dish on the teaser for "That Awkward Moment," starring Zac Afrin and Michael B. Jordan. Finally, PAUL F. TOMPKINS fills in at the last second to recall stories of the Honolulu underground comedy scene, tell us the difference between standup and funny movies, spill secrets of the 'cast biz, and answer some piping hot questions from the Popcorn Gallery.

[OcterDoctopus 1079]

So glad I joined the forums last week and so happy to hear my name on the show! It feels great and I'm pleased as punch. Now if only I could get my name spoken aloud on Gelmania, I'll know that I've arrived.

 

Fuckmachine Tomkast never disappoints!

[chanson 9697]

unimpressed.

[MattCameron 595]

Great episode of this podcast, but maybe actually get Emmanuel Day Lewis next time? He can tell us about character acting in The Huxtable with Wineowner Riding Hood.

[newtman98 3]

I think I might share some ancestry with Paul F. Tompkins because my father was a fuck machine.

[chanson 9697]

PS - Hayes is totally rocking the shit out of that red beard.

[Lukas Holmes 2287]

I am so glad Hayes called PFT on that almost not thanking him joint. I was five seconds away from giving up on all of you.

[kneisage 2108]

Some people might take issue with Sean's "BUSTIN' IT NIGHTLY" shirt, since technically the podcast is only busted weekly, but guess what? You're supposed to listen to the podcast once a day, morons. So sit down, haters.

[OcterDoctopus 1079]

I take more issue with Hayes wearing a Nike shirt with New Balance shoes. My only guess at making any sense of such a fashion nightmare is that he knew he was stepping into the ring with the impeccably dressed PFT, so he wanted to cause some cognitive dissonance.

 

Metafictional postmodern fashion cognitive dissonance.

[Erika 249]

Got my pro subscription package in the mail today. In case anyone is on the fence here's a quick rundown of what I got:

 

- A letter!

 

"What up What up SUBSCRIBER,

 

Here at Hollywood Handbook we work hard to knock it out of the park

Every single week. But we don't do it for the money, not the fame, it's for

Loyal fans like you, SUBSCRIBER. It's not just your continued

Patronage that we want to thank you for though. It's

 

Motivation. Drive. We see you crushing the forums on the regular and it busses us up

Every single week without fail and pushes us to be the best hosts we can be. Thank you.

 

Yours Sincerely, Engineer Cody."

 

- The Hollywood Handbook box set "twisted edition" - all 5 episodes on floppy disk. Currently still listening to the PFT ep, on disk 8/15.

 

- Some photos of Hayes in his college football days.

 

- A framed photo of this:

 

 

On the back it says "We'll be your guide to the stars"

 

Pretty good haul I think, I'd definitely recommend it.

[OcterDoctopus 1079]

Really like that touch from Engineer Cody!! He has this way with words that you can just read it once, very quickly, and know that you've read all he has to say. No need to revisit it again or look for deeper meaning. That's a lost artform

[chanson 9697]

Funny, my pro version package was somewhat different...

 

The Letter:

 

Dear Mr. Kinney,

 

Please cease and desist from using the name "Chanson" to refer to yourself in any forum, public or private. This name is a trademark registered with the US Patent & Trademark Office and is owned by Hayes Davenport, Sean Clements, and Earwolf Media, LLC for use on the Earwolf website. Messrs. Davenport & Clements as well as Earwolf demand that you immediately stop infringing on their property rights. Failure to do so will result in legal action against you.

 

Fuck Off,

Scott Anchorman

 

Not really sure what all of those big words mean but it seems in line with Sean & Hayes' usual comedic stylings which I usually don't get but pretend I do so that my friends think I'm cool. I'm gonna frame it and put it on my wall to show off to my friends (but not brag) about how I have cool LA friends who write me letters with big words and such.

 

...the package also contained a nice heavy brick of what looks like modeling clay ("C4 High Explosive" brand), some copper electrical wiring, and a really nice alarm clock. I think it's some kind of avant-garde postmodern metaphysical art piece. We don't have art or culture in Seattle, so I don't really know much about it but it looks fancy and sophisticated, so I bet it's by some famous artist I've never heard of that Sean and Hayes are best friends with. Wait, if you've heard of them that means they're not good, right? It's so hard to keep up with all of these insider tips... I'm trying so hard though.

 

All in all, a pretty great package.

 

Thanks Sean & Hayes!

[Hunter 96]

I liked that the guest wasn't very mean to Hayes and Sean. It's nice when people are nice, and sometimes mean people make people sad. Good job Guest, and Good Job Hayes and Sean!

 

Hollywood Handbook.

[NotTheNarnold 413]

All I got was a rock...

 

SURPRISE THAT WAS AN UNEXPECTED REFERENCE!

 

Seriously, I threw my letter away since that's garbage and useless. But it did come with an iPhone 7S that had the phone numbers of all the hottest celebs programmed in. Including Emmy Waterson, Emmy Stan, Emmy Riberts, and every other girl named Emmy, also Hayes and Sean's assistant's assistant's phone number. So I'm just two steps away from contacting them!

[robinsbruce 4985]

First let me preface by formally saying what up, what up?

 

Remember way back when I said I would donate to the show but purely to spite my employer?(don't quote me on that) Well I did, cause I don't need fellowship money from "grad school" (aka THE MAN).

 

Now I know you're big shots in the biz and all. The money is probably just a drop in the bucket compared to the kind of bank you dudes generate from appearances at clubs/nintendo power parties. TO BE CLEAR my donation is really more for the scoop troops and third tier shlubby jewish actors that are blindly searching for the ladder that you dropped down for them. They need this show for reals.

 

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go find some scratchy mittens before next weeks show. There's reported to be some bruskiis with my name on them hidden inside.

[OcterDoctopus 1079]

My pro version package was waiting for me when I got home. The only thing inside was a selfie of a nude male torso, photographed from the neck down, resting gently on a bed of microphone covers and headphone ear pads.

 

Tasteful and classy

[greggy 15909]

Paul f Tompkins was a very good guest. Thank you for having mr f Tompkins on you're show.

[NotTheNarnold 413]

Fellow scoop troopers I have some news! Dolphin's lineman Ritchie Incognito is next weeks guest. He's gonna explain how he is getting bullied by the media.

 

[DEATHMAN 3317]

I listened to this episode because I like Paul F Tompkins a lot and wow, this show is fucking great like

 

Really really good stuff

[xoValeriexo 4369]

 

All I'm feeling right now can be summed up by this sketch.

[chanson 9697]

My house unexpectedly burnt down today... I guess the fire spread to the neighboring elementary school and an abused kitten and puppy shelter and none of the kids or kittens/puppies were able to escape. Really tragic stuff.

 

At least I have this forum and my best buds Hayes and Sean who would never do anything to hurt me like, for example, send me a package containing a bomb that demolished an entire city block and killed dozens of innocent people in order to steal my forum account. I may be homeless and poor but I'm the wealthiest man because I have such wonderful friends! It's times like these that you realize how fortunate you really are and that you don't need avant-garde postmodern metaphysical art pieces or letters from influential Hollywood Insider Podcasters in order to be happy.

 

Thanks again Hayes & Sean!

[Lukas Holmes 2287]

Paul f Tompkins was a very good guest. Thank you for having mr f Tompkins on you're show.

 

If you liked this you may also like 1/3 of all comedy podcasts ever made as they feature mr f Tompkins.

[VinsanityV22 500]

Paul F. Tompklns - while he's no Adam Pally - was an okay guest here

"Paul, thank you so much"

"It is I who should be thanking you"

"Okay"

 

This was a great episode. It's neat to see someone who can almost, sort of hang out with these two. I mean, no.2 with Engineer Cody? That's praise that Sean & Hayes don't toss around lightly, Mr. Tompkins. It was pretty well-earned. After all, Hollywood Handbook is here to teach all us mortals, and now I know how to stay in the Funny Zone. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

 

I really gotta find some money for a Pro Version! PFT's phone messages are AMAZING! And that Secret Backpack... Jeez louise! NO OTHER PODCAST ON EARWOLF GIVES US TREASURE HUNTS! You got a lot of work to do, "How Did This Get Made" -- yeah, that's right, I said it. It's out there now. We all know who Hollywood Handbook's main rival is here on the site. A distant competitor, and the word competitor is being generous, but a competitor all the same Regardless, I see no reason to be "civil" and pretend like there's no feud. Step it up, HDTGM! When will you guys launch your Secret Backpack contest, huh!?!

[mattyzmatty 157]

I really gotta find some money for a Pro Version! PFT's phone messages are AMAZING! And that Secret Backpack... Jeez louise! NO OTHER PODCAST ON EARWOLF GIVES US TREASURE HUNTS! You got a lot of work to do, "How Did This Get Made" -- yeah, that's right, I said it. It's out there now. We all know who Hollywood Handbook's main rival is here on the site. A distant competitor, and the word competitor is being generous, but a competitor all the same Regardless, I see no reason to be "civil" and pretend like there's no feud. Step it up, HDTGM! When will you guys launch your Secret Backpack contest, huh!?!

I agree with this. Um, question: how did 'How Did This Get Made' get made? Huh? Boy I sure would of liked to of been a fly on the wall in that meeting!!

 

Keep up the good work

[Toby Keith Sweat 1000]

I know it's probably a little too late to ask Mr Thomas any questions but I'd be really interested to know how he felt not being the best dressed guy in the room for once? I bet he walked into the playboy mansion (where I assume the podcast is recorded), saw that "Bustin' it Nightly" t-shirt, and took a big ole stinkin' shit right in his freshly pressed trousers. This is the big leagues, Tomcats, a vest and a tie? To quote Mark's daughter Shania, that don't impress me much.

 

Also, Sean, do you think that maybe the reason you had such a hard time getting into Fruitvale Station is that every time Michael B. Jordan was on screen you were like "Hey, isn't that supposed to be my close friend Michael "Regular" Jordan? That doesn't look like my close friend Michael "Regular" Jordan, but it says right there on the poster that that is Michael "Regular" Jordan, who is my close friend"?

 

I know this was the problem I had when I watched it the first time, then someone explained to me that it was Michael "Regular" Jordan in like this makeup stuff actors wear sometimes like Robert Williams did in Mrs. Doubtfired. Now that I get it, it's easily the 2nd funniest movie I've ever seen right after The Usual Suspects, which we all can agree has the biggest surprise, and therefore funny, ending.