Episode 79.5 — Minisode 79.5

[Wien 401]

"snow dad's better than no dad."

 

This is the line that was written before the rest of this script, and the basis of which the entire movie was written around.

[Ridiculous Ninja 3]

"snow dad's better than no dad."

 

This is the line that was written before the rest of this script, and the basis of which the entire movie was written around.

 

I'm a film school dropout, and more than one of the books I was forced to read about production said, and I quote: "If you don"t have a title and a tagline right away, the movie probably isn't worth making."

 

Hollywood, Y'all. Shit like this gets green-lit EVERYDAY.

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

Other choice dialogue selections:

"Forget it Rory, he's not fun to pick on anymore since his old man died."

"Yeah, well he better get over it. I never even met my old man!"

HA! This "Rory" character would go on the help Charlie save the day or whatever. Ok, sure.

[NathanGeerdes 0]

JUNE IS PREGNANT!

I just found out today, why was this not covered on the podcast at all!??

[Joe Lerini 7329]

JUNE IS PREGNANT!

I just found out today, why was this not covered on the podcast at all!??

Because, theoretically, we know how that baby got made.

[Shannon 2953]

Because, theoretically, we know how that baby got made.

 

[BevanMorgan 0]

So stoked for this one. 85 million this cost. 85 MILLION. As other users have suggested a double header with the 1997 carrot-rape masterpiece would be epic.

[dlo burns 129]

I haaaattteeee this movie. I'm not even sure if I could listen to the show, the trailer was bad enough.

[Kickpuncher 5012]

Because, theoretically, we know how that baby got made.

 

It all started with an overly formal greeting...

[DeathToMikeyBay 130]

Oh hey a mention in corrections and omissions! Neat.

 

Talking about all the steps involved in buying a car, I realized that we all forgot another thing about Deck the Halls.

 

Everyone was so focused on how they glossed over Danny Devito's 5 second sales pitch to the dealership owner, we didn't realize that there was no actual sale. Even if Devito is so amazing that he can convince someone to buy a car in 5 seconds, you're not bound to purchase it the instant you shout, "I'LL TAKE IT!" Not only does Devito stroll in announcing they owe him $3000 cash (another impossible unenforceable deal), but the owner walks in realizing how stupid it was to buy one of his own cars and "I paid sticker for it."

 

You didn't buy shit! You didn't pay shit! YOU CAN STILL SAY NO, IDIOT!

[Jamie Power 224]

Reading Jack Frosts Wikipedia page it seems to make a lot out of the Resemblance of the snowman to Michael Keaton:

 

'One night, Charlie makes another snowman that bears as much of a resemblance to Jack as he can remember of him'

 

'Jack attempts to greet Charlie, but ends up terrifying him with his uncanny appearance'

 

Uncanny!?

 

Yes. If Michael Keaton looked like this:​

 

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Other choice dialogue selections:

"Forget it Rory, he's not fun to pick on anymore since his old man died."

"Yeah, well he better get over it. I never even met my old man!"

HA! This "Rory" character would go on the help Charlie save the day or whatever. Ok, sure.

Wait, his old man dies and they STOP making fun of him? Wouldn't that just be MORE fuel for the fire? COME ON! These guys are fucking terrible at bullying.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Oh my goodness. I am watching this movie now and it is a supreme bummer. Its like The Road of bad christmas movies.

 

Landslide?? Really?? That song alone is enough to do me in....

I might be a little curious if you told me it was "The Mist" of bad Christmas movies.

[Kickpuncher 5012]

Henry Rollins as the special guest? That was my first guess anyway, although Paul F. Tompkins was also in this movie.

 

Young, chubby PFT (and "Randy of the Redwoods"?) rocking out in DENVER, YEAH!

 

 

Wayne Federman is another potential guest who was in this (and had an actual speaking role).

[SteveLeBlanc 41]

Holy shit this was awful

[Joven 373]

just random notes i took while watching this.

 

music over phone guy, ‘we gotta sign these guys’ bttf style

location: backlottia

why is the stupid kid getting a save the cat moment?

worstest flirting ever, almost as bad as their family banter

so?…so why do they keep padding out dialog with pointless “so?”’s

is any interaction with other people these people engage in not involve being constantly wryly amused?

they have a vacation cabin, big house, and only 1 shitty car.

this place must have had snowpocalypse blizzard level snowfall, and they still always have school.

snowman building is best done at like 9:30pm

why does the kid have a bust of batman dressed as superman on his nightstand?

yeah, a kids movie really needs a shot of a snowman looking for his dick.

he wont talk to his wife but he’ll try and strike up a conversation with the rage filled hockey coach?

hes acclimated to snowman powers almost as fast as sandman did in spiderman 3.

EXXXTREEEEMMEEEE BULLYING!!!!!!!!!

EXXXTREEEEMMEEEE-ly bad green screen work.

are these people all witches from oz? why do snowball fights have such high stakes to them?

also, conversely to Leprechaun and the like, instead of “nice costume” these people’s first reaction to Jack Frost is “OMG animated demonic snowman!’”

“i always call you charlie boy”, ok, I’m obviously not paying attention all that much, but did he ever do that in the movie up to this point?

he fixed the sink? how? he barely has hands.

im sure the ‘ding dong burgers’ ad from Mr Show would be perfectly appropriate for a kids movie, not any worse then anything else in this, they borrowed the weatherman from them anyway.

its a good thing hockey equipment is naturally occurring.

sure was great that he taught charlie that special shot, its obviously so good because all he’s managed to do is hit the goalie…the point is to get the puck around them

good thing they found a truck which is going nonstop to the mountains directly near their vacation cabin.

So he’s been clutching the harmonica in his snow ass the whole time?

why does his real face look faker than his snow face?

totally worth all the hassle and worry to take him to the mountains so he can just die there instead of melting in town…why not just have that scene as he’s melting?

[Kickpuncher 5012]

sure was great that he taught charlie that special shot, its obviously so good because all he’s managed to do is hit the goalie…the point is to get the puck around them

 

My main recurring thought while watching this was "ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING J-SHOT!"

[SteveLeBlanc 41]

Here are my thoughts.

 

There feels like there are two movies here, the whole "man following his dream who learns that he is already living it" cliche film, and the pile of dog shit that is the rest of the movie. The first half of the movie really doesn't stand out as particularly awful. Cliche ridden and derivative for sure, but not unwatchable.

 

Has a band ever been signed based on a "Frosty the Snowman" performance?

 

It was very convenient for the radio DJ to let us know that at nearly 70 degrees "it's warm enough to melt a snowman".. you know in case we didn't realize that was where the plot was heading.

 

There is a scene where Michael Keaton is talking to himself about how dumb making a character named Jack Frost be forced to inhabit a snow man, too bad he didn't have this discussion with his agent before signing on.

 

Alive Michael Keaton is supposedly this super cool guy; Snowman Michael Keaton makes nothing but the absolute corniest jokes and one liners.

 

How in the world did Kelly Preston not know something was weird with the snowman after seeing his mouth, what snowman ever created has a real looking mouth?

[SteveLeBlanc 41]

totally worth all the hassle and worry to take him to the mountains so he can just die there instead of melting in town…why not just have that scene as he’s melting?

 

 

Great point. The kid starts living again by rejoining the team, and he gets to see his goal, which calls back to their conflict when he was alive. Literally everything is wrapped up at this point, just have Kelly Preston see them at the rink.

 

he fixed the sink?how? he barely has hands

 

Never mind that "J shot" curl and drag is basically all in the wrists

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

Has a band ever been signed based on a "Frosty the Snowman" performance?

 

 

It could very well take place in the same cinematic universe where the hottest musical group in the land is a group of singing chipmunks that plays nothing but covers.