EPISODE 80 — Jon Gabrus Again, Our Close Friend

[robinsbruce 4985]

Here's my baby Lattis

 

 

This is a charming cheetah you have here Robbot. Stick to.

[rod aug 5637]

that is a dope c, it looks like a reese's cup but don't eat it hahahahah it won't be candy

[xoValeriexo 4369]

that cat at the top of this page is very cool. like it a lot.

 

His name is Chibi and he is just one of many cool cats we have here at the Hollywood Handbook forum. *then I sing a song about it*

 

Although that may be his only true accomplishment related to this podcast, people get a lot of enjoyment out of his profile picture, which is MIchelle Tanner from Full House falling into a bush because she can't ride a bike.

 

Less than 10 minutes ago I watched the episode of Friends where Phoebe rides a bike and crashes because Ross doesn't hold on to her and she gets mad. So then I explained to my [redacted] that the same thing happened on an episode of Full House and I gave him all the deets. Then I come here and see this! Life is magical!

[kittens 1288]

i got drunk on a big booze drink

 

here's my idea of a dog

 

 

we were more of a cat family

[Game of Scones 5812]

i got drunk on a big booze drink

 

here's my idea of a dog

 

 

we were more of a cat family

 

you should take it to a VET, swollen pupil

[devscoots 2561]

*strokes chin* hm yes excellent consistency of line

[greggy 15909]

*smokes chin* hell ya men chins get you so so high

[rod aug 5637]

*strokes jam* I love soma

[watchayakan 1021]

*stokes Jim*

 

Jim, get off my barbecue!

[marshall mellow 1671]

 

I give up, I just don't get how to use these forums

 

You sticking with that username ? Are you sure ? We're all here to help you pick a new one and support you during the transition. Wouldn't you like a cool individual name for when you end up on a board game ? Just a thought anyway. It's not too late is all I'm saying.

[Tendakrunk 91]

 

You sticking with that username ? Are you sure ? We're all here to help you pick a new one and support you during the transition. Wouldn't you like a cool individual name for when you end up on a board game ? Just a thought anyway. It's not too late is all I'm saying.

 

I think it's pretty good the way it is. Replacing "and" with "n" is a cool, creative twist for me. Can you imagine how exciting it would be to hear a crazy name like that read aloud for the pro version?

[kobthatreal 5896]

i have a basketball tv question for popcorn.

 

why would some one trying to steal Chris Pauls identity wear glasses and a fake mustache? wouldnt that be the opposite of what u wanna do? if i saw a guy with glasses and a mustache wearing a chris paul jersey id be like "whos this dork?" What im saying is this commericial is meta but the entire premise doesnt make sense. all state is completely off their game. i know the storyline was bogus from the beginning considering Chris Paul and Cliff Paul both have sons that are completely identical, and i think theres only one explanation for that, but this is getting ridiculous. if hayes or sean could talk to some of the ad heads for all state and rework the whole thing that would be awesome. we need to terminator genysis this thing and reboot the timeline.

[Rob Thomas Wiseau 436]

*strokes slim jim* I'm gonna snap into this puppy next time.

[Joe McGurl 8358]

"JOE." A voice calls out to me. Where am I? I hear the sound of waves crashing against a shore. I can feel heat licking my skin. A breeze gently caresses me. The smell of the salty sea air stings in my nostrils. I open my eyes and see my old flame and constant lover, Kate Upton. She appears to be asleep so I shake her a bit to wake her and see if she wants to have a lot of really good sex that she will like and not complain about because I'm good at sex and a generous lover. Hmmm. She isn't waking up. I shake her a bit more and roll her over. Oh my god. Her throat is slit. Who did this? I need to get my bearings. I look around. All I see are flames...can't feel my legs...fading...

 

"WAKE UP JOE!" I hear my name. Someone is calling out to me. The darkness and haze is fading. I open my eyes. It's my friend, Valerie Bryant. She's covered in blood. "GUYS I FOUND JOE" she shouts! I see three shadowy figures in the distance starting to move towards me.

 

"Oh thank Ged...he's still handsome." the first figure says. I can't see who it is but I'd recognize the voice of Bruce Reid Robinson II anywhere. The light off the nearby fire reveals the other two figures to be Honlads and Agata. "Good to see ya, man. Thought we'd properly lost you there...sorry about Kate though," said Honlads. Agata says nothing but winks at me and I know that everything will be okay.

 

"What is going on?" I said. "You don't remember?" replied Veebs. I shake my head no and Valerie tries to fill the gaps in my memory. "It was a slaughter, Joe. The whole tribe has been almost totally wiped out in the revolt." Tribe? Revolt? What was she talking about? What the fuck is happening, I think to myself. "Tribe? Revolt? What is she talking about? What the fuck is happening?!" I say out loud. "Joe...don't you remember the letter" Bruce says.

 

*FLASHBACK*

 

Hmm, what's this a letter.

 

"Dear JOE MCGURL,

 

Hey, it's Sean and Hayes, you're heroes. We are deeply saddened to tell you that after 500 great episodes and becoming the number one podcast of all time, Hollywood Handbook is coming to an end. We are deeply pleased, however, to tell you that we are rebooting The Reality Show Show. There's a catch though! To kick this off, we have cleared out Vishnu Island or whatever the name of that place where Chanson's dad lives and you and the rest of the forumers will be participating in the first ever Funnyman Hungry Games! It's Last Comic Standing meets Survivor and the last and funniest forumer standing gets to be our very first guest on the new show! Inside, the envelope you'll find your plane tickey. Pack your bags quickly, you leave tomorrow! See ya then!

 

All the best,

S&H"

 

*FLASH TO PLANE RIDE*

Wow this is great. All the greatest hits are here! I saw Showshowbro, Erika Thompson, PatSmear and Freja boarding. I noticed TheNarnold trying to get on the flight but the lowly attendant--who may have just been a vagrant that wandered into the terminal, for all I know--Dan Engler wouldn't let him board for some reason saying he was "banned" or some shit and then TheNarnold told him to go be a white knight somewhere else. In a cruel twist of fate, I've been sat next to Tim Treese. I look across the aisle and see Anastasia Vigo laughing and having a great time with Andrew, Skizelo and Marshall Mellow. Maybe Lydon will switch seats with me. I don't want to go from first class to way back in economy but if it gets me away from Tim, I'll suffer through with the plebs. This is gonna be a long flight, I think to myself.

 

*FLASH TO ARRIVAL ON THE ISLAND*

"You're so much more handsome in real life!" RanRan says to me. "Heh, what can I say, I learned from the best, #23 Michael Jordan, my coach and mentor." I replied. "Well he taught you well!" Who was that voice? I turn around and JacobC clasps me on the shoulder. I smile and nod as we brofist. As Mean Detective and SpunkyFoonerism lead us up the hill with the map, JMonsterface comes and introduces himself and then is quickly followed by A Bear who shakes my hand. They looked and sounded almost identical and I'm not sure if the second time JMonsterface just put on a fake moustache. Suddenly over the crest of the hill, I see SteveH standing with two men on their knees next to him. My god...it's...it's....Sean and Hayes. *Clemdawg and Hayziebone like this* is carved into his forehead as if done with a knife. "Welcome, friends...to your DOOM. For too long have I not been taken seriously on the forums and that ends TODAY. You will all compete in a real life Hungry Games just like Peeta, not Josh Hutcherson but Peeta from Hungry Ga-" "Hey, Steve" Asteck interjects, "can you not talk like Sean and Hayes. Those are their bits not yours." SteveH's eyes light up and he throws a knife right between Astecks eyes, killing him immediately. "Now. Where was I? Ah yes, you will all live on my compound here on Captain Chanson Dad Island as my slaves. You WILL do as I say and if you don't, I'll have my lieutenant DelinoDeshields take care of you. Oh and just so you know I'm absolutely serious..." SteveH pulled out two knives and put them against Sean and Hayes' throats. Hayes' eyes immediately go to mine because we have a special connection and he knows I'm a really good friend of his and actually probably his best friend. I can't help but think that my face will be the last that these boys see. Could do worse. I am #1 handsome boy after-all, I wryly think to myself. "...Sean. Hayes. Prepare to meet your old friend Earwolfman Jack." SLIT.

 

*CUT TO PRESENT TIME*

 

"STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!" I shout. "Keep your voice down, bb, his guards may still be around!" Agata says to me. Her voice is calming and soothing, I know she must be right. "Wh...where are the others?" I ask. "Most of them died in the revolt. I saw a few make a break for the other side of the island but...who knows how far they got," Veebs said. "Kyle Bosman?" I ask. Valerie's eyes fall to the sand as she shakes her head no. Honlads, reassuringly, puts his hand on her shoulder. Bruce looks to me and says, "Steve...he's..asking for you to kneel before him and tell him that HE is #1 Handsome Boy now. He says if you do...all of this will end." I solemnly glare at Bruce through my steely blue eyes and I can see him get chills because they pierced right into his soul. "You know I can't do that. It's not something you can pass on. It's something you're BORN with." I know that my words made an impact on Bruce as he immediately started crying and looked to the night sky, hoping he too was born with the gift of handsomeness. "All the same," Agata added, "it's just the gesture that Steve is looking for. Just let him have this and we can all go home." Her words ring clear and true through my body as a church bell does in a small Georgia town. She's right. Of course she's right, I think to myself. "You're right. Of course you're right," I say out loud. "Alright...let's get to the compound."

 

Bruised and battered, this ragtag bunch of heroes hobbled to the gates of Steve's compound. Kittens stood guard atop the watchtower, gorging himself on all the pizza a boy could hope for. A clever way to buy loyalty, Steve, I'll give you that. The gate opens and we begin our walk up the path to Steve's holdout. The compound is filled with countless noobies that I never bothered to learn the names of. They throw things at me and taunt me with shouts of "great first post!" Their words cut me like wind through the chaff. How could I have fallen so low? At the top of the pathway, four heads stand on pikes. They belong to Sean, Hayes and Chanson. The other one is horrendously cut up and disfigured but we all know it belonged to Greggy. I hearken back to the grizzly day when Steve took that gorgeous head off of those strong, broad shoulders. "NOTHING THIS GOOD LOOKING SHOULD LAST!" He screamed and laughed with delight as he took to tearing into Greggy's gorgeous face.

 

"Well, look who has come to grovel at the feet of Master." I look up and my eyes meet with Tim Treese's. He has a spiked collar on with a chain that leads back to his master and is wearing a gimp outfit. "Fuck you, Tim." The entire compound erupts in laughter when I say my famous catchphrase, I may be at my lowest but, damn, I've still got it. Tim spits at my shoes and then Steve whips the chain and the bitch goes crawling back to the feet of his master. "Enter." the voice of Steve boomed. I walk into the holdout and see poor sillylillyquee chained to the wall, furiously scribbling drawings in order to appease the overlord. To the left, Dixon, Zinjeh and BrgrHo are all making gifs and photoshopped pictures of Steve on various board games and cereal box mascots. Michael Bay of Pigs is asleep in the corner wearing his court jester apparel.

 

"Kneel before Zod." Steve says. I do so and as I look at him, I can't help but notice that he has truly become the face of evil. As time passed on the island, he began to carve the names of every forumer into his skin followed by *likes this.* A freshly carved *Game of Scones likes this* was dripping blood from over his belly button. "That's a comics book reference because nerds is cool now." I rolled my eyes and replied, "Actually, Zod never says that in the comics of Superman. That was strictly from the movies." I fuckin schooled that chump and everyone knew it but didn't dare say anything. Steve chuckled, "I know that fool, I was merely testing you. Now, have you come to pay the piper?" I held my tongue. "It's simple, Joe. You pronounce me the #1 handsome boy, and I release you all. Failure to do so will result in...well... lets just say I have a space clear on my peck that's waiting to have your name carved into it." I look back at my companions and give them a knowing nod. Bruce pulled out his lucky potato he carved the face of Zouks into and begins to cry. Honlads is embracing Agata as she weeps. My poor bb, I hate to see her like that. Veebs is nowhere to be found. I smile. The plan worked. I stand up. "Steve. All I can say is...Joe McGurl doesn't like this." Steve grins. "So be it." Steve pulls out a gun and shoots me in the chest. I immediately collapse as blood starts pouring out of me like wine in Kathie Lee Gifford's house. That's when I hear the sound. The sound of the helicopter piloted by Engineer Brett, Cody and Sam. The message in the bottle and the revolt in order to escape to light a signal fire on the beach had worked. Veebs comes in with guns blazing. Soon everyone would be free...but at what cost. No, don't think like that. Not in your final moments. Think of the happy times. Remember 4/21/15 when you got the Pro Version? Remember episode 210 when Sean and Hayes had you on as a guest and it became the number one most downloaded episode of anything ever? That's it. Those are the good times. I can feel the blackness starting to gather. I'm fading quick now. Darkness.

 

Suddenly, I feel warm. I can't move and I can't open my eyes but I feel light all around me. Two hands pick me up. I can feel my eyes start to open as I see two angels stand before me. Suddenly a chorus of seraphim sing on high as the angel with the orange beard says, "Joe. Welcome to Heaven Handbook: an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the white clouded, cherub lined hallways of this place we call the promised land." The other angel embraces me and whispers into my ear, "Mmmmm, whaddup whaddup?" I've made it. I'm home.

[Toro y Moist 695]

"Joe. Welcome to Heaven Handbook: an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the white clouded, cherub lined hallways of this place we call the promised land."

Beautiful.

[Toro y Moist 695]

"JOE." A voice calls out to me. Where am I? I hear the sound of waves crashing against a shore. I can feel heat licking my skin. A breeze gently caresses me. The smell of the salty sea air stings in my nostrils. I open my eyes and see my old flame and constant lover, Kate Upton. She appears to be asleep so I shake her a bit to wake her and see if she wants to have a lot of really good sex that she will like and not complain about because I'm good at sex and a generous lover. Hmmm. She isn't waking up. I shake her a bit more and roll her over. Oh my god. Her throat is slit. Who did this? I need to get my bearings. I look around. All I see are flames...can't feel my legs...fading...

 

"WAKE UP JOE!" I hear my name. Someone is calling out to me. The darkness and haze is fading. I open my eyes. It's my friend, Valerie Bryant. She's covered in blood. "GUYS I FOUND JOE" she shouts! I see three shadowy figures in the distance starting to move towards me.

 

"Oh thank Ged...he's still handsome." the first figure says. I can't see who it is but I'd recognize the voice of Bruce Reid Robinson II anywhere. The light off the nearby fire reveals the other two figures to be Honlads and Agata. "Good to see ya, man. Thought we'd properly lost you there...sorry about Kate though," said Honlads. Agata says nothing but winks at me and I know that everything will be okay.

 

"What is going on?" I said. "You don't remember?" replied Veebs. I shake my head no and Valerie tries to fill the gaps in my memory. "It was a slaughter, Joe. The whole tribe has been almost totally wiped out in the revolt." Tribe? Revolt? What was she talking about? What the fuck is happening, I think to myself. "Tribe? Revolt? What is she talking about? What the fuck is happening?!" I say out loud. "Joe...don't you remember the letter" Bruce says.

 

*FLASHBACK*

 

Hmm, what's this a letter.

 

"Dear JOE MCGURL,

 

Hey, it's Sean and Hayes, you're heroes. We are deeply saddened to tell you that after 500 great episodes and becoming the number one podcast of all time, Hollywood Handbook is coming to an end. We are deeply pleased, however, to tell you that we are rebooting The Reality Show Show. There's a catch though! To kick this off, we have cleared out Vishnu Island or whatever the name of that place where Chanson's dad lives and you and the rest of the forumers will be participating in the first ever Funnyman Hungry Games! It's Last Comic Standing meets Survivor and the last and funniest forumer standing gets to be our very first guest on the new show! Inside, the envelope you'll find your plane tickey. Pack your bags quickly, you leave tomorrow! See ya then!

 

All the best,

S&H"

 

*FLASH TO PLANE RIDE*

Wow this is great. All the greatest hits are here! I saw Showshowbro, Erika Thompson, PatSmear and Freja boarding. I noticed TheNarnold trying to get on the flight but the lowly attendant--who may have just been a vagrant that wandered into the terminal, for all I know--Dan Engler wouldn't let him board for some reason saying he was "banned" or some shit and then TheNarnold told him to go be a white knight somewhere else. In a cruel twist of fate, I've been sat next to Tim Treese. I look across the aisle and see Anastasia Vigo laughing and having a great time with Andrew, Skizelo and Marshall Mellow. Maybe Lydon will switch seats with me. I don't want to go from first class to way back in economy but if it gets me away from Tim, I'll suffer through with the plebs. This is gonna be a long flight, I think to myself.

 

*FLASH TO ARRIVAL ON THE ISLAND*

"You're so much more handsome in real life!" RanRan says to me. "Heh, what can I say, I learned from the best, #23 Michael Jordan, my coach and mentor." I replied. "Well he taught you well!" Who was that voice? I turn around and JacobC clasps me on the shoulder. I smile and nod as we brofist. As Mean Detective and SpunkyFoonerism lead us up the hill with the map, JMonsterface comes and introduces himself and then is quickly followed by A Bear who shakes my hand. They looked and sounded almost identical and I'm not sure if the second time JMonsterface just put on a fake moustache. Suddenly over the crest of the hill, I see SteveH standing with two men on their knees next to him. My god...it's...it's....Sean and Hayes. *Clemdawg and Hayziebone like this* is carved into his forehead as if done with a knife. "Welcome, friends...to your DOOM. For too long have I not been taken seriously on the forums and that ends TODAY. You will all compete in a real life Hungry Games just like Peeta, not Josh Hutcherson but Peeta from Hungry Ga-" "Hey, Steve" Asteck interjects, "can you not talk like Sean and Hayes. Those are their bits not yours." SteveH's eyes light up and he throws a knife right between Astecks eyes, killing him immediately. "Now. Where was I? Ah yes, you will all live on my compound here on Captain Chanson Dad Island as my slaves. You WILL do as I say and if you don't, I'll have my lieutenant DelinoDeshields take care of you. Oh and just so you know I'm absolutely serious..." SteveH pulled out two knives and put them against Sean and Hayes' throats. Hayes' eyes immediately go to mine because we have a special connection and he knows I'm a really good friend of his and actually probably his best friend. I can't help but think that my face will be the last that these boys see. Could do worse. I am #1 handsome boy after-all, I wryly think to myself. "...Sean. Hayes. Prepare to meet your old friend Earwolfman Jack." SLIT.

 

*CUT TO PRESENT TIME*

 

"STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!" I shout. "Keep your voice down, bb, his guards may still be around!" Agata says to me. Her voice is calming and soothing, I know she must be right. "Wh...where are the others?" I ask. "Most of them died in the revolt. I saw a few make a break for the other side of the island but...who knows how far they got," Veebs said. "Kyle Bosman?" I ask. Valerie's eyes fall to the sand as she shakes her head no. Honlads, reassuringly, puts his hand on her shoulder. Bruce looks to me and says, "Steve...he's..asking for you to kneel before him and tell him that HE is #1 Handsome Boy now. He says if you do...all of this will end." I solemnly glare at Bruce through my steely blue eyes and I can see him get chills because they pierced right into his soul. "You know I can't do that. It's not something you can pass on. It's something you're BORN with." I know that my words made an impact on Bruce as he immediately started crying and looked to the night sky, hoping he too was born with the gift of handsomeness. "All the same," Agata added, "it's just the gesture that Steve is looking for. Just let him have this and we can all go home." Her words ring clear and true through my body as a church bell does in a small Georgia town. She's right. Of course she's right, I think to myself. "You're right. Of course you're right," I say out loud. "Alright...let's get to the compound."

 

Bruised and battered, this ragtag bunch of heroes hobbled to the gates of Steve's compound. Kittens stood guard atop the watchtower, gorging himself on all the pizza a boy could hope for. A clever way to buy loyalty, Steve, I'll give you that. The gate opens and we begin our walk up the path to Steve's holdout. The compound is filled with countless noobies that I never bothered to learn the names of. They throw things at me and taunt me with shouts of "great first post!" Their words cut me like wind through the chaff. How could I have fallen so low? At the top of the pathway, four heads stand on pikes. They belong to Sean, Hayes and Chanson. The other one is horrendously cut up and disfigured but we all know it belonged to Greggy. I hearken back to the grizzly day when Steve took that gorgeous head off of those strong, broad shoulders. "NOTHING THIS GOOD LOOKING SHOULD LAST!" He screamed and laughed with delight as he took to tearing into Greggy's gorgeous face.

 

"Well, look who has come to grovel at the feet of Master." I look up and my eyes meet with Tim Treese's. He has a spiked collar on with a chain that leads back to his master and is wearing a gimp outfit. "Fuck you, Tim." The entire compound erupts in laughter when I say my famous catchphrase, I may be at my lowest but, damn, I've still got it. Tim spits at my shoes and then Steve whips the chain and the bitch goes crawling back to the feet of his master. "Enter." the voice of Steve boomed. I walk into the holdout and see poor sillylillyquee chained to the wall, furiously scribbling drawings in order to appease the overlord. To the left, Dixon, Zinjeh and BrgrHo are all making gifs and photoshopped pictures of Steve on various board games and cereal box mascots. Michael Bay of Pigs is asleep in the corner wearing his court jester apparel.

 

"Kneel before Zod." Steve says. I do so and as I look at him, I can't help but notice that he has truly become the face of evil. As time passed on the island, he began to carve the names of every forumer into his skin followed by *likes this.* A freshly carved *Game of Scones likes this* was dripping blood from over his belly button. "That's a comics book reference because nerds is cool now." I rolled my eyes and replied, "Actually, Zod never says that in the comics of Superman. That was strictly from the movies." I fuckin schooled that chump and everyone knew it but didn't dare say anything. Steve chuckled, "I know that fool, I was merely testing you. Now, have you come to pay the piper?" I held my tongue. "It's simple, Joe. You pronounce me the #1 handsome boy, and I release you all. Failure to do so will result in...well... lets just say I have a space clear on my peck that's waiting to have your name carved into it." I look back at my companions and give them a knowing nod. Bruce pulled out his lucky potato he carved the face of Zouks into and begins to cry. Honlads is embracing Agata as she weeps. My poor bb, I hate to see her like that. Veebs is nowhere to be found. I smile. The plan worked. I stand up. "Steve. All I can say is...Joe McGurl doesn't like this." Steve grins. "So be it." Steve pulls out a gun and shoots me in the chest. I immediately collapse as blood starts pouring out of me like wine in Kathie Lee Gifford's house. That's when I hear the sound. The sound of the helicopter piloted by Engineer Brett, Cody and Sam. The message in the bottle and the revolt in order to escape to light a signal fire on the beach had worked. Veebs comes in with guns blazing. Soon everyone would be free...but at what cost. No, don't think like that. Not in your final moments. Think of the happy times. Remember 4/21/15 when you got the Pro Version? Remember episode 210 when Sean and Hayes had you on as a guest and it became the number one most downloaded episode of anything ever? That's it. Those are the good times. I can feel the blackness starting to gather. I'm fading quick now. Darkness.

 

Suddenly, I feel warm. I can't move and I can't open my eyes but I feel light all around me. Two hands pick me up. I can feel my eyes start to open as I see two angels stand before me. Suddenly a chorus of seraphim sing on high as the angel with the orange beard says, "Joe. Welcome to Heaven Handbook: an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the white clouded, cherub lined hallways of this place we call the promised land." The other angel embraces me and whispers into my ear, "Mmmmm, whaddup whaddup?" I've made it. I'm home.

This part was also pretty chill.

[Houston 4819]

 

The screen is filled with the faces of 1,000s of forumers on their computers. You see their eyes glistening as they hear the heavenly 'whaddup whappup'. One man, human man, seemingly disfigured as a grotesque purplish dinosaur rises from his computer. He attempts to clap. DAMN ARMS, but others... moved by the sad flailing arms begin to beat out the sound....

 

clap.

 

clap.

 

CLAP.

 

CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.

 

The camera cuts to some forum called rabbit... reddit... unsure... where snarky, neredowells fingers fall away from their keyboards to wipe tears from there eyes.

 

[off camera, voice says] He did it. That son of a bitch really did it. He wrote the perfect forum comment.

[Mister Smart 462]

"JOE." A voice calls out to me. Where am I? I hear the sound of waves crashing against a shore. I can feel heat licking my skin. A breeze gently caresses me. The smell of the salty sea air stings in my nostrils. I open my eyes and see my old flame and constant lover, Kate Upton. She appears to be asleep so I shake her a bit to wake her and see if she wants to have a lot of really good sex that she will like and not complain about because I'm good at sex and a generous lover. Hmmm. She isn't waking up. I shake her a bit more and roll her over. Oh my god. Her throat is slit. Who did this? I need to get my bearings. I look around. All I see are flames...can't feel my legs...fading...

 

"WAKE UP JOE!" I hear my name. Someone is calling out to me. The darkness and haze is fading. I open my eyes. It's my friend, Valerie Bryant. She's covered in blood. "GUYS I FOUND JOE" she shouts! I see three shadowy figures in the distance starting to move towards me.

 

"Oh thank Ged...he's still handsome." the first figure says. I can't see who it is but I'd recognize the voice of Bruce Reid Robinson II anywhere. The light off the nearby fire reveals the other two figures to be Honlads and Agata. "Good to see ya, man. Thought we'd properly lost you there...sorry about Kate though," said Honlads. Agata says nothing but winks at me and I know that everything will be okay.

 

"What is going on?" I said. "You don't remember?" replied Veebs. I shake my head no and Valerie tries to fill the gaps in my memory. "It was a slaughter, Joe. The whole tribe has been almost totally wiped out in the revolt." Tribe? Revolt? What was she talking about? What the fuck is happening, I think to myself. "Tribe? Revolt? What is she talking about? What the fuck is happening?!" I say out loud. "Joe...don't you remember the letter" Bruce says.

 

*FLASHBACK*

 

Hmm, what's this a letter.

 

"Dear JOE MCGURL,

 

Hey, it's Sean and Hayes, you're heroes. We are deeply saddened to tell you that after 500 great episodes and becoming the number one podcast of all time, Hollywood Handbook is coming to an end. We are deeply pleased, however, to tell you that we are rebooting The Reality Show Show. There's a catch though! To kick this off, we have cleared out Vishnu Island or whatever the name of that place where Chanson's dad lives and you and the rest of the forumers will be participating in the first ever Funnyman Hungry Games! It's Last Comic Standing meets Survivor and the last and funniest forumer standing gets to be our very first guest on the new show! Inside, the envelope you'll find your plane tickey. Pack your bags quickly, you leave tomorrow! See ya then!

 

All the best,

S&H"

 

*FLASH TO PLANE RIDE*

Wow this is great. All the greatest hits are here! I saw Showshowbro, Erika Thompson, PatSmear and Freja boarding. I noticed TheNarnold trying to get on the flight but the lowly attendant--who may have just been a vagrant that wandered into the terminal, for all I know--Dan Engler wouldn't let him board for some reason saying he was "banned" or some shit and then TheNarnold told him to go be a white knight somewhere else. In a cruel twist of fate, I've been sat next to Tim Treese. I look across the aisle and see Anastasia Vigo laughing and having a great time with Andrew, Skizelo and Marshall Mellow. Maybe Lydon will switch seats with me. I don't want to go from first class to way back in economy but if it gets me away from Tim, I'll suffer through with the plebs. This is gonna be a long flight, I think to myself.

 

*FLASH TO ARRIVAL ON THE ISLAND*

"You're so much more handsome in real life!" RanRan says to me. "Heh, what can I say, I learned from the best, #23 Michael Jordan, my coach and mentor." I replied. "Well he taught you well!" Who was that voice? I turn around and JacobC clasps me on the shoulder. I smile and nod as we brofist. As Mean Detective and SpunkyFoonerism lead us up the hill with the map, JMonsterface comes and introduces himself and then is quickly followed by A Bear who shakes my hand. They looked and sounded almost identical and I'm not sure if the second time JMonsterface just put on a fake moustache. Suddenly over the crest of the hill, I see SteveH standing with two men on their knees next to him. My god...it's...it's....Sean and Hayes. *Clemdawg and Hayziebone like this* is carved into his forehead as if done with a knife. "Welcome, friends...to your DOOM. For too long have I not been taken seriously on the forums and that ends TODAY. You will all compete in a real life Hungry Games just like Peeta, not Josh Hutcherson but Peeta from Hungry Ga-" "Hey, Steve" Asteck interjects, "can you not talk like Sean and Hayes. Those are their bits not yours." SteveH's eyes light up and he throws a knife right between Astecks eyes, killing him immediately. "Now. Where was I? Ah yes, you will all live on my compound here on Captain Chanson Dad Island as my slaves. You WILL do as I say and if you don't, I'll have my lieutenant DelinoDeshields take care of you. Oh and just so you know I'm absolutely serious..." SteveH pulled out two knives and put them against Sean and Hayes' throats. Hayes' eyes immediately go to mine because we have a special connection and he knows I'm a really good friend of his and actually probably his best friend. I can't help but think that my face will be the last that these boys see. Could do worse. I am #1 handsome boy after-all, I wryly think to myself. "...Sean. Hayes. Prepare to meet your old friend Earwolfman Jack." SLIT.

 

*CUT TO PRESENT TIME*

 

"STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!" I shout. "Keep your voice down, bb, his guards may still be around!" Agata says to me. Her voice is calming and soothing, I know she must be right. "Wh...where are the others?" I ask. "Most of them died in the revolt. I saw a few make a break for the other side of the island but...who knows how far they got," Veebs said. "Kyle Bosman?" I ask. Valerie's eyes fall to the sand as she shakes her head no. Honlads, reassuringly, puts his hand on her shoulder. Bruce looks to me and says, "Steve...he's..asking for you to kneel before him and tell him that HE is #1 Handsome Boy now. He says if you do...all of this will end." I solemnly glare at Bruce through my steely blue eyes and I can see him get chills because they pierced right into his soul. "You know I can't do that. It's not something you can pass on. It's something you're BORN with." I know that my words made an impact on Bruce as he immediately started crying and looked to the night sky, hoping he too was born with the gift of handsomeness. "All the same," Agata added, "it's just the gesture that Steve is looking for. Just let him have this and we can all go home." Her words ring clear and true through my body as a church bell does in a small Georgia town. She's right. Of course she's right, I think to myself. "You're right. Of course you're right," I say out loud. "Alright...let's get to the compound."

 

Bruised and battered, this ragtag bunch of heroes hobbled to the gates of Steve's compound. Kittens stood guard atop the watchtower, gorging himself on all the pizza a boy could hope for. A clever way to buy loyalty, Steve, I'll give you that. The gate opens and we begin our walk up the path to Steve's holdout. The compound is filled with countless noobies that I never bothered to learn the names of. They throw things at me and taunt me with shouts of "great first post!" Their words cut me like wind through the chaff. How could I have fallen so low? At the top of the pathway, four heads stand on pikes. They belong to Sean, Hayes and Chanson. The other one is horrendously cut up and disfigured but we all know it belonged to Greggy. I hearken back to the grizzly day when Steve took that gorgeous head off of those strong, broad shoulders. "NOTHING THIS GOOD LOOKING SHOULD LAST!" He screamed and laughed with delight as he took to tearing into Greggy's gorgeous face.

 

"Well, look who has come to grovel at the feet of Master." I look up and my eyes meet with Tim Treese's. He has a spiked collar on with a chain that leads back to his master and is wearing a gimp outfit. "Fuck you, Tim." The entire compound erupts in laughter when I say my famous catchphrase, I may be at my lowest but, damn, I've still got it. Tim spits at my shoes and then Steve whips the chain and the bitch goes crawling back to the feet of his master. "Enter." the voice of Steve boomed. I walk into the holdout and see poor sillylillyquee chained to the wall, furiously scribbling drawings in order to appease the overlord. To the left, Dixon, Zinjeh and BrgrHo are all making gifs and photoshopped pictures of Steve on various board games and cereal box mascots. Michael Bay of Pigs is asleep in the corner wearing his court jester apparel.

 

"Kneel before Zod." Steve says. I do so and as I look at him, I can't help but notice that he has truly become the face of evil. As time passed on the island, he began to carve the names of every forumer into his skin followed by *likes this.* A freshly carved *Game of Scones likes this* was dripping blood from over his belly button. "That's a comics book reference because nerds is cool now." I rolled my eyes and replied, "Actually, Zod never says that in the comics of Superman. That was strictly from the movies." I fuckin schooled that chump and everyone knew it but didn't dare say anything. Steve chuckled, "I know that fool, I was merely testing you. Now, have you come to pay the piper?" I held my tongue. "It's simple, Joe. You pronounce me the #1 handsome boy, and I release you all. Failure to do so will result in...well... lets just say I have a space clear on my peck that's waiting to have your name carved into it." I look back at my companions and give them a knowing nod. Bruce pulled out his lucky potato he carved the face of Zouks into and begins to cry. Honlads is embracing Agata as she weeps. My poor bb, I hate to see her like that. Veebs is nowhere to be found. I smile. The plan worked. I stand up. "Steve. All I can say is...Joe McGurl doesn't like this." Steve grins. "So be it." Steve pulls out a gun and shoots me in the chest. I immediately collapse as blood starts pouring out of me like wine in Kathie Lee Gifford's house. That's when I hear the sound. The sound of the helicopter piloted by Engineer Brett, Cody and Sam. The message in the bottle and the revolt in order to escape to light a signal fire on the beach had worked. Veebs comes in with guns blazing. Soon everyone would be free...but at what cost. No, don't think like that. Not in your final moments. Think of the happy times. Remember 4/21/15 when you got the Pro Version? Remember episode 210 when Sean and Hayes had you on as a guest and it became the number one most downloaded episode of anything ever? That's it. Those are the good times. I can feel the blackness starting to gather. I'm fading quick now. Darkness.

 

Suddenly, I feel warm. I can't move and I can't open my eyes but I feel light all around me. Two hands pick me up. I can feel my eyes start to open as I see two angels stand before me. Suddenly a chorus of seraphim sing on high as the angel with the orange beard says, "Joe. Welcome to Heaven Handbook: an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the white clouded, cherub lined hallways of this place we call the promised land." The other angel embraces me and whispers into my ear, "Mmmmm, whaddup whaddup?" I've made it. I'm home.

 

 

lol nah I'm not readin' that many words, bro.

[Andy Dick Cheney 3779]

Thanks Joe:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMf3Zgoh0U&feature=youtu.be

[SteveH 11126]

Finally. The respect I deserve.

 

If i don't get 10 likes on this post, a forum member dies.

[thejjar 5031]

Jesus if this is the kind of content we're supposed to live up to I think I should just quit the forums now. Apologies to you original forum members. I'm not worthy. I'll be in training.

[Jakal 4475]

Is that canon?

[Sillylillyquee 1015]

Truly inspiring Joe McGurl, I feel a drawing coming on to celebrate your #1 handsomeness and sucess this week. Great job!

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Jesus if this is the kind of content we're supposed to live up to I think I should just quit the forums now. Apologies to you original forum members. I'm not worthy. I'll be in training.

Just a heads up, if you want to hang with the handsome boy, don't even think about skipping leg day!

[Zsinjeh 1677]

these are all my pets, likes please