Episode 87 — Whitmer Thomas and Clay Tatum, Our Close Friend

[Colt 595]

[Joe McGurl 8358]

#TheBoyzAreBack and we're ready to raise some hell

 

Gremlack Prunk

-The Gargoyle Boyz

[kobthatreal 5896]

You know what Bozos. I forgive you. because as much as we fight and kick the fucking dogshit out of Swamp Babies and we tore up theyre stupid clubhouse, i still respect them for their efforts and ability to keep fighting. I wish shosho was here cause he would probably lie and lie about how they actually captured me one time and waterboarded me with my own urine and they might make something up abouy how i actually have legs and my dong is really only 5 feet long and then i could just laugh and pull it out and when it hits the floor u will feel the earth shake on every coast (which i wont do now cause honestly i have nothing to prove to you and those swamp liars).

 

-Hardall Knight

The Gargoyle Boyz

[rod aug 5637]

dam are you guys recruiting? my last gang just broke up because one guy got pinched, right on his arm.

[chanson 9697]

Great episode. Justin let me play it in the car while he drove and he said it was funny too. Everybody else was asleep but I bet it made their dreams way funnier.

 

A little miffed that Mean Detective has yet to post about how fun it was to hang out with me last night.

 

Fuck Mean Detective.

 

Also, I feel like I should know a lot more about this Gargoyle Boyz thing than I do...

[SteveH 11126]

So we're comparing our cities' heat and humidity now?

 

Everyone knows that making small talk about the weather is the worst. But arguing about the weather? Well, that is a horse of a different color my friends (brown).

 

Dixon, I'm sure you could win any weather argument being from New Orleans, but that's all the more reason to argue.

 

This probably isn't the right place for this discussion though. I'm gonna jump on the weather channel message boards and making fun of people's favorite dew points and barometric pressure readings.

 

-Odelot Amynthzu

 

#GargoyleBoyz

Edited June 10, 2015 by SteveH

[dixon 5920]

Guys, I'm pretty sure all the funny stuff started after I began posting here, so if we can limit inside jokes to episode 60 and after that'd be great, thanks.

[kobthatreal 5896]

Yes Ronnie. Does your six pack pop off or explode onto the scene?

 

SteveH.. Im not sure what you think youre doing but youre not a Gargoyle Boy yet. When some d-list actor hears about a casting call for the next iron man does he just have to say hes iron man and then he is iron man? The answer is NO! Frankly what you just did was such a swamp baby move that i can smell the pond scum from here.

 

Gargoyle Boyz is not exclusive, but there is an initiation process. I expect you to fall in line or head back to your clubhouse which is just popsicle sticks with jokes written on them and thats the type of thing swamp babies do its really kinda lame if u think about it. I aint sayin you cant perch up on some towers with us, just dont show up and think youre king dick swinger because he died 4 years ago and his spot is reserved.

 

Hardall Knight

GGB

[Scooby Donkers 1514]

Great episode. Justin let me play it in the car while he drove and he said it was funny too. Everybody else was asleep but I bet it made their dreams way funnier.

 

A little miffed that Mean Detective has yet to post about how fun it was to hang out with me last night.

 

 

In all seriousness, it was an amazing thrill to meet a good friend for the first time in person. It felt like I really knew Ran already! Because I did! What an age we live in, when two people from medium-far away distances can be thrown together with nothing to bind them except months and months of conversation, shared cultural interests, relatively similar backgrounds and belief systems, a strong network of mutual friends, and a common understanding of the burden posed by being the sexiest motherfuckers in every room.

 

I guess for some of you kids out there, the whole concept of Internet friends is about as natural as maintaining strong eye contact during a professional handshake, and getting catfished is just another one of life's little inconveniences, on par with when someone doesn't make strong eye contact with you during a professional handshake. Not me, though. I've never met an Internet friend in real life ("IRL") before--hell, I never even had Internet friends before I stumbled onto this little radio program. If I hadn't, I never would have met Ran and watched her fuckin kill the game on bass. And you know what? That'd be a durn shame.

 

 

 

 

#GargoyleBoyz

[SteveH 11126]

Guys I'm starting a new crew, kind of like a forum gang, we r gonna be called The Gargoyle Boyz, and yes girls can joins to. All you have to do to join the crew is represent and say ur gargoyle name at the end of ur posts. Thanks for reading.

 

 

- Hardall Knight

The Gargoyle Boyz

[rod aug 5637]

My six pack? It goes in.

 

Karlor Kimble

The Gargoyle Boyz

[honlads 8798]

OHHH SHIT!!! Steve trying to trip up the gargoyle boyz on a technicality from months ago!

 

- Cobra Pentecost

The Gargoyle Boyz

[kobthatreal 5896]

How can u trip me if im flying and above the skyscrapers and my dick is cutting cars in half below me? Not sure that question answered itself. But you cant get us on technicalities because we are loose with the juice and thangs change babe. Try n keep up hun.

 

[Casaba 5942]

Back in the early days of the GGBz every geek off the street wanted to join. The Boyz had to create a system to figure out who was handy with the steel, who could earn their keep.

 

You gotta show your worth, son.

 

- Dr. Blades Krunkoff

GGBz

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Steve you don't even want to join that gang, trust me. You have a kid, man! Think about that for two seconds! What's going to happen when you draw the short straw and have to shiv somebody from the How Did This Get Made forum's gang? Who is going to take care of the little guy while you're doing 50 to life in the Jersey pen? The answer is that the Gargoyle Boys will be taking care of your kid, and he's going to learn ALL the different swears, and how to skateboard in the most disrespectful possible way. He'll be carving "Menthol Tigershark" (his GB name) into all the park benches and flipping the bull to the vice-principal before you even know what's happening.

 

#ForumersAgainstGangs

#TakeBackTheNight

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

Would've never posted that link to old forum action if I knew it'd be used for evil.

 

- Bozo Baggins

The Gargoyle Boyz

[honlads 8798]

Bunch of the fellas coming over later to shoot my "sponsor-me" tech deck vid. Check out my boards

 

 

Jealous?

[greggy 15909]

out by the old abandoned train station, a crowd of muscleheads and curvy ladies chant and cheer within a smoky circle of barrel fires. in the dancing firelight outside the circle lie a ton of freshass recently-wheelied kawasaki motorcycles. they are shiny and new and look as though they've barely been ridden, but the gang has let them fall with no regard. the sound of the crowd swells, until a huge man on the outside of the circle takes one last puff of his cigar-sized blunt and flicks it in to one of the barrels. with an uncanny FWOOMP the fire climbs an extra ten feet in the air and for a moment turns green. a marijuana leaf-shaped smoke cloud puffs out over the hot, desert night. the huge man enters the circle and waves a hand over his head. the cheering and chanting stops as though turned off with a switch.

"Ayo Gargoyle Boyz!" the huge man says. he doesnt raise his voice, and yet it could be heard from miles away.

"Ayo Hardall" the crowd responds with the quickness and familiarity of a dubstep mass.

"We got a new fish wants to join the crew, Boyz." hardall continues. "You know what that means, right?" the crowd goes back to their chanting. INITIATION. INITIATION. INITIATION. with another wave over his head, hardall knight stops the chanting. "You're damn straight. Dr Krunkoff, get in here with the initiation kit. we got to test this swamp baby out, see if he can hang."

from a side-group of really fuckin hot babes comes the hottest of them all, dr blades krunkoff. she holds a huge leather trunk, but with one hand, because even though shes flippin titt'd out like the mayor of rack city, she's still packing heat in them sleeves.

"Kimble! get over here too, i need you cousin."

karlor kimble is incredibly honored to be chosen for this task. he runs to the center of the circle, his 6 foot cock dragging a line in the sand, and drops his pants in front of hardall. bozo baggins brings the initiation flute to his lips and begins warbling an exotic snake-charmers tune known only to an indian yogi and the members of the gargoyle boyz. at the first notes, karlor's massive member begins thrashing. slowly, it rises. eventually, it becomes a long, thick plank pointing to bozo from karlor's pelvis. dr blades sets the trunk on karlor's penis and opens the straps.

"All right, let's get this initiation going. Gargoyle Boyz, ASSEMBLE!" hardall finally raises his voice on the last word, with a volume like a jet breaking the sound barrier. an owl falls out of a nearby tree. in top secret area 51, an alarm goes off as the cry awakens otto van skidmark where he lies unconscious in a tank full of green ooze. all the females in a pack of wolves sleeping in a nearby cave are suddenly impregnated. the gargoyle boyz crowd around behind karlor, hardall, and the trunk. hardall reaches in to the trunk and opens a laptop computer. he wakes it from its sleep mode and enters the url for the earwolf forums. hardall knight's chest puffs out grandly as he fills his lungs with air in preparation before he yells: "LETS READ SOME MOTHERFUCKING POSTS"

 

- Harv'd Lamb-Poon

The Gargoyle Boyz

[dixon 5920]

At first I thought Bozo was blowin on Kimble's dong, but thanks for keepin this straight and not super gay like Veebs' story.

[Game of Scones 5812]

this forum hasn't been this funny in a cool minute

[xoValeriexo 4369]

Ohhh hard all night

[Joe McGurl 8358]

GGBZ have been waiting in darkness, silently standing in the shadows waiting for our opportunity to come back. We're that figure in the corner of your eye you thought you saw when you're walking home from the grocery store bringin milk home so you can eat cereal and watch cartoons like the little fuckin piece of shit nerd you are. And then we were that figure you thought you saw outside your window watching the cartoons too. We were the reason when you woke up in the morning and you left the pizza out because you were gonna have it for breakfast (cause who doesn't love cold pizza right) and then when you went downstairs to eat it up and found the box empty? Yeah, that was us and not you thinking that you ate it in the night and just didn't remember. You limp dick chumps think you have what it takes to be one of the Boyz? You think you can waltz right into this sick ass gang full of bonafide ballas and shot callas like you're Teddy Fuckin Roosevelt and the Ruff Rydaz? No way bubbo. You want in? How bout this. You take this $30 and go into the 7/11 and buy us a 24 pack of Rolling Rock and if you get caught okay you don't even fuckin know us okay we had nothing to do with this please just buy this beer okay you can keep whatever the change is please

 

Gremlack Prunk

-Gargoyle Boyz

[JMonsterface 1974]

My stupid parents were too cheap to pay for the robes for my GB initiation ritual so now I gotta be in the lame ass Goblin Guys...

 

My name is Flame Eagle or some shit...

[mwn 5470]

interrupting the roleplay sesh quickly to say, some nice fella on somethingawful noted that Sean was on Will Hines' podcast to be very earnest about loving The Mountain Goats. it's real good and I don't think anyone posted it http://dontgetmestarted.libsyn.com/sean-clements-the-mountain-goats

 

ok bye back to gargoyle dicks please bye

[robinsbruce 4985]

Hayes couldn’t place it, but something was off. For weeks, or maybe even months he had felt a strange presence following him at a distance. In the shadows on top of a building he was leaving, the far-off gentle sound of skitching with a passing car, a whiff of axe body spray and Nate dawg blunt wraps where it shouldn’t be. He felt crazy, but something was definitely there. It began to make him uneasy and so he decided to turn to the one true bro he had in the world. You could say best bro, at least best bro that is a man. Anyway he turned to Sean because he knew Sean wouldn’t call him crazy. Late one night when he couldn’t take it anymore Hayes called Sean and in a whisper said, “Meet me at the chateau marmot, I’ll explain everything later.”

…

Sean heard a click, and looked up at the ornate, handmade grandfather cuckoo clock in his house. As the bells started their melodic chiming, four or five, hell let’s be honest, six cats scurried away under Sean’s feet. The midnight hour was upon him and now he was stepping out. The smell of the street and the smog assaulted his senses but he gently popped his jacket collar, put a toothpick in his mouth, and strolled down to where Hayes wanted to meet. “What has gotten into him this time?” Sean wondered. Only a mile away Sean thought he heard someone behind him. He turned, but saw only the litter blowing against the sidewalk and the sewer grates. Three blocks away Sean passed a filthy, disgusting hobo on the corner mumbling some dumb shit about the Irish and potatoes. Even though Sean thought the bit was pretty weak he dropped some change in the man’s cup, he didn’t need it anyway because Sean was big timing it now that he and Hayes had destroyed on comedy Bing bangs or whatever it’s called. As Sean approach the marmot, he thought he saw a gargoyle he had never noticed before on top of the building. A van passed in front of him and when he looked up again, it was gone. “Getting pretty late I guess,” he thought to himself.

…

In a dark corner of the bar inside Sean and Hayes sat very, very close together. Hayes ordered a gin ricky and Sean ordered a mineral water. “What’s going on big guy?” Sean asked as he patted Hayes on the knee. Sean always knew just how to settle Hayes down when he was anxious. Hayes swallowed visibly, looked around the room and said quietly,

“I think I’m being followed, maybe you too.”

“Now Hayes, we talked about this, the gargoyle boiz are just an urban legend. Even if they were real why would they be following us?”

“I don’t know,” Hayes said nervously, “but I’ve been feeling like something is always there watching me and it’s starting to freak me out. The gargoyle boiz are real Sean, I just know it. Tiny Kev runs that gang like the godpapi and he’s so funny it’s…it’s…too scary.”

At that moment the lights went out. The bartender let out a defeated sigh, but then the lighting faded back up slowly to a very romantic level. Nothing in the bar was out of place except for the addition of one new patron. He had already fixed himself a mixer for his purple drank and was sitting at the far end of the bar from Sean and Hayes. They stared silently as the man sipped his drank and lit matches with one hand. His hi-top 1989 air flights were immaculate. Another match. His gym shorts were long and ill fitting. Another match. His wife beater was stained from many years of hard labor. Another match. From beneath the shadow his cowboy hat cast they could see a gnarly rust colored beard. One last match. He finished his drank, swung his chair half way around to face Sean and Hayes and tipped his hat gently.

“Are you….?” They said in unison. “Tah tah tiny Kev?”

“Yall trippin,” was the only response offered. Tiny Kev sauntered over to their table, spun a chair around backwards and straddled in so close that Hayes and Sean were squished between the wall and Tiny Kev. Tiny Kev lit a comically large blunt and sized Sean and Hayes up slowly. It’s a non-smoking bar but the bartender knew to let Tiny Kev handle his biz. As Tiny Kev let out a giant cloud of smoke he leaned in, “You boys been puttin on a nice show, mm hm. Mighty fine show. I thought it was about time I let you know who’s been watching your backs.”

“YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING US!” Said Hayes in his patented fake yelling voice. He looked to Sean to say, “I told you so,” but Sean’s eyes said, “Not now ok? Maybe just this one time let me be wrong. Christ.”

“Let’s get down to that funky ass nitty gritty boys. I’m proposing an alliance that will go down in the hall of game changers and you guys are already in.”

“We are?” They seemed confused but impressed.

“You think that Doritos dust was fucking free? Naw dawg this is gargoyle turf and you guys just pay rent here. Remember that in the future. When Tiny Kev needs you, you will know.”

As he spoke he put out his blunt on the table. The lights went out again, this time coming back to their original level. No one in the bar batted an eye. Hayes rushed to the bartender and asked, “Where did he go?”

With a look of bewilderment, the bartender just said, “Who?” Hayes looked back at the table to see Sean wringing his hands and a smoldering blunt roach on the table.

 

To be continued….