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JulyDiaz

EPISODE 112 — Jupiter Ascending

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Correction:

That State Farm commercial shouldn't make you cry because of sentiment/nostalgia, it should make you cry because it's really dark and upsetting.

The pattern of the commercial is that every time the man states he'll never do something, the next scene portrays him in the situation he previously stated he would never be in.

In the last scene, he states he will never leave his family... if the commercial were to go on another scene he will have left his wife and children

thank you! it drives me crazy how many people love that commercial and don't realize that.

 

Conspiracy-Keanu.jpg

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Man, I had such a different experience than it seems everybody else did. All the guys could talk about was how confusing and hard to follow it is. I didn't get that at all. I got almost all the way through the episode before I figured out why. I watched the whole movie with subtitles on! I think a lot of the things the guys found confusing were just whispered so quietly that they missed them.

 

To clear up a couple things they were confused about:

 

The other bounty crew (mohawk guy and blue hair with invisible motorcycle) were also hired by Titus, but when they saw Channing Tatum they betrayed him and made a deal with Kalique. (Kalique and her assistant were discussing this deal in a scene early in the movie, they gave the bounty hunters some of that life-giving human juice stuff in exchange for delivering Jupiter. The bounty hunters never outright said thats what they were going to do, but they were talking about it during the "do you trust me" scene).

 

Jupiter agreed to marry Titus because he had convinced her that he was going to put an end to harvesting. He told her his mother had been murdered for trying it, and that he wanted to marry her so that the planets he owned would be in safe hands after he was murdered for the same thing.

 

Also, although Sean Bean's daughter doesn't appear in the movie again, she is mentioned toward the end. He says that the reason he betrayed Channing Tatum is that his daughter was sick and he couldn't afford the "recode."

 

PS This movie was horrible and I can't believe I wasted everyone's time typing all this out.

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In the final scene, Caine and JJ are on top of Sears tower, presumably having flown up there with wings and anti-gravity roller skates. No police or military or news or civilian involvement so far. Then they start flying AGAIN in broad daylight, unconcerned that someone might see them.

 

Also, was there any good reason JJ needed to be on the Abrasax ship when going to visit Balem? Why would she consent to that? How did the crack team of space guardians, hell-bent of protecting JJ, not see it coming when the bad guys basically CLOSED THE DOOR before they could enter?

 

Also, Balem had tens of thousands of years to build a harvesting factory on Jupiter, but it was designed in such a way that the ENTIRE massive thing explodes and crumbles if a space ship crashes into ONE part of it.

 

Why are the light elevators so damn slow?

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The other bounty crew (mohawk guy and blue hair with invisible motorcycle) were also hired by Titus, but when they saw Channing Tatum they betrayed him and made a deal with Kalique.

She says, "We should warn Lord Balem." Not Titus.

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They missed another "Super Mario Brothers" comparison when theorizing that they were using baths (going down the pipe perhaps?) to transport between worlds...

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Just went on this cinematic adventure. Am home safely now. Got to say - did not love it BUT didn't hate it, too much.

 

When all was said and done and "Jupe" (FYI incredibly jarring when she said to call her this on one of her many space kidnapping flights) is back home with the Klumps, weren't their memories erased? How do they remember Vladie snitching about the egg harvesting and telescope? Are there loopholes with this blanking feature? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?

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This was a great episode, partly because you guys touched on the idea of crazy ambitious, original projects failing commerically--which is something I've been thinking about a lot lately with the failure of both "Jupiter Ascending" and "Tomorrowland." Unlike a sizable number of critics, I actually really liked "Tomorrowland", but thought the plotting was a bit messy and they really kind of needed to rewrite that ending to make it work better. It's the kind of movie that I liked a lot as it is, but with another rewrite or two on the script, it could have been a classic.

 

But even with the messiness of "Jupiter Ascending" (and to a lesser extent "Tomorrowland"), I'm glad these studios took a big swing at these ambitious, original ideas (or with "Tomorrowland," mostly original). It needs to happen more, and it breaks my heart when these cool ideas aren't embraced by the general public, either because they would rather embrace familiar ideas, or because the creators didn't quite know how to form those great, ambitious ideas into a simple, coherent plot.

 

Basically, I'm a bit sad that the messy, but utterly charming and unique "Tomorrowland" isn't doing well at the box office. :(

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I like how Jason was just so baffled by how bad this movie was that he almost wasn't on his usual level of snark. That's how much it affected this poor man.

 

My favorite part of the episode was Jason just giving up for a couple seconds mid-explanation. That perfectly encapsulated how I felt watching this movie (and then trying to explain to someone who hadn't seen it exactly how bad it was).

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MEE-LA, not My-la. that drove me nuts!! 3 people were saying it right and he didn't catch on! I know someone who insists on calling Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Yo-hanson WTF

 

also I want to respect this Josh guy's opinion but Jupiter Ascending is not empowering to women, aside from passing the Bechdel test often

 

having Jupiter be a damsel in distress who becomes kick ass in the last half hour is not feminist. I liked Jupiter but she got kidnapped like 3 times and had to be rescued. I also didn't like how she didn't do anything to earn the universe--she had to be. This is the sort of thing that MEN think are empowering but Jupiter wasn't a 3 dimensional character

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MEE-LA, not My-la. that drove me nuts!! 3 people were saying it right and he didn't catch on! I know someone who insists on calling Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Yo-hanson WTF

Yeah, it's kind of weird when you hear multiple pronunciations of someone's name that isn't known for having a name that you don't hear much. I mean, she does all the talk shows and a press and stuff, she's talked about frequently, so you don't think there'd be any confusion. It's not like she's some hockey player from the Ukraine whose name you never hear out loud. That reminds me of when I've met different comic artists and writers and stuff, because those guys get NO press, and you think you have an idea of how to say their names after seeing them in writing for so many years, but then you hear them say it at a show or something that they're a guest at, and you find out that everything you thought you've taught yourself is a LIE.

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Was it just me, or when Jupiter's dad was trying to convince the mom to name the baby Jupiter, and she said 'over my dead body' he gave her a look that said, "I can make that happen"?

 

dnmgVoa.gif

 

Also, she went from teaching applied mathematics to a maid?

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I knew this was a great HDTGM movie from the moment I saw it, actually I had the thought before even watching it. Sci-fi is by far my favorite genre, and this movie almost made me want to reconsider.

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MEE-LA, not My-la. that drove me nuts!!

 

Yeah, that was making me cringe. Also, I hate to be a hater but....is she kind of a terrible actress? I have yet to see her in a movie where I didn't feel it was just the character from That 70's Show pretending to be in a movie.

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I had no idea that name mispronunciations were such a bugbear for HDTGM fans. You've been put on notice, Mr. Dangerously! IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME...

 

RE: Mylah's acting, I've never been too impressed with her as she never seemed capable of emoting anything beyond unaffected, but I have noticed a steeper decline in her last few films, which also just so happens to coincide with the time she's been with Ashton Kutcher. COINCIDENCE? Probably.

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I like Mila Kunis a lot--she's not my favorite actress or anything. But I think she's great at comedy. That 70 Show, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Ted, Friends with Benefits. She has fun presence and with the right material (like T7S seasons 2-4) she can be great. Also liked her in Black Swan. She's definitely a 'needs the right material' kind of actress. She seems likable offscreen as well so that colors my perception of her.

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I had no idea that name mispronunciations were such a bugbear for HDTGM fans. You've been put on notice, Mr. Dangerously! IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME...

 

for me at least it was that people were saying it right around him and he did not correct himself nor did anyone point it out. I could picture Zouks saying "dude say it right!" but he didn't.

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Mr. Leonard brought up Caine's name being really on the nose, which is something that I noticed as well. I brought this up on the mini-sode threadl, but I had a good chuckle when I realized "Caine" was just "canine" without the extra "n." Not to take credit for another person's observation, but fellow poster Lando then pointed out that Sean Bean's character's full name is Stinger Apini--"apian" being the Latin term for "bees."

 

But the "on-the-noseness" doesn't stop just at the names. When I was watching this movie early on Wednesday and had my back briefly turned to the screen during the bounty hunter shoot out at the fertility clinic, I heard the distinct sound of a dog barking. When I turned back around, I realized there wasn't an actual dog barking, but rather that was the sound Caine's gun made whenever he fired it. Bravo, Jupiter Ascending! Bravo!

 

And sorry, but I have one final thought while on the subject of human/animal hybrids. The elephant pilot. What the fuck was that about? Okay, I get splicing a person with a wolf to make them a better tracker. I can also buy splicing a man with a bee in order to make a person a fighter who would do anything to protect the Queen. What I can't buy is that splicing a person with an elephant somehow makes them a better pilot! Also, it seems like the splicing is specific to whatever trait they want to imbue in the person, but not necessarily the physical trait. Aside from the ears, Tatum doesn't really look like a wolf and Bean doesn't look anything like a bee, but for some reason this guy has a full elephant head? That doesn't make sense even within the logic of the movie. What function does that serve? Shouldn't he just look more or less like a regular person, but maybe just have the strength of an elephant?

 

And, to be fair, I'm not trying to begrudge an elephant's right to be a pilot if he or she so chooses. I'm just saying, "starship pilot" isn't what immediately springs to mind when I think "elephant."

Maybe you didn't catch it, but did you hear what the elephant guy's name was? Nesh, as in Ganesh the Hindu god who happens to look like an Elephant. All the names in the movie drove me crazy. It's like "He-Man" all over again. "Okay we have a man covered in moss? Moss Man! Great! Now a bad guy with two heads... Hmm... Two Bad!"

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....is she kind of a terrible actress? I have yet to see her in a movie where I didn't feel it was just the character from That 70's Show pretending to be in a movie.

 

hmmm... I have to say the only thing I can think of that feels like actual character-work is her role in Black Swan

 

 

but other than that? not so much. I don't think she's horrible, but not exactly Bobby D over here.

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I think a little bit needed to be said about the wedding scene. It looks as if it is in some sort of grand church with these massive stone pillars and arches. However, it's all on Titus's spaceship. It's not a separate building or even on some planet, it's on his space ship. Titus built a church hall in his space ship with giant stone pillars! How do we know that it's all stone? When Caine crashes through the wall the sound effect is off crumbling stone and we see debris is just broken stone. No metal or anything, just stone. Also, if Caine is crashing his ship through the wall into the church wouldn't that create some sort of vacuum and suck everyone out into space or at least suck all the oxygen out? Or did the ship perfectly plug it up? Also, why would Titus build a stone church with statues on the very front of his ship? So many questions!!!

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Also, she went from teaching applied mathematics to a maid?

Well, mathematic principles in the Ukraine aren't recognized in the U.S. And there are no jobs between professor and maid. This part is not worth questioning.

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hmmm... I have to say the only thing I can think of that feels like actual character-work is her role in Black Swan

 

 

but other than that? not so much. I don't think she's horrible, but not exactly Bobby D over here.

I thought she was fine in "Ted" as the girlfriend that's tired of her boyfriend always hanging out with his asshole best friend that refuses to grow up.

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