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JulyDiaz

EPISODE 112 — Jupiter Ascending

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This is more of a question.

 

If they are supposed to bath in the fluid to get their youth back why do the store in pint sized bottles? Don't they have barrels in space?

 

And you'd think they'd try to conserve it by using a bathtub as small as they could fit in. Not these giant swimming pools they are using.

 

I didn't get the vibe that the bath was actually necessary or that was the prescribed amount of youth goop needed for the "de-ageification." I took it more as a frivolous person showing off their wealth in a decadent and vulgar display.

 

Something like this:

 

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OMISSION.

 

I just want to point out that Channing Tatum's explanation for how the roller skates work is: They take gravity and convert it into differential equations that he surfs on. That is not how math works, at all.

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I really wish June was on this ep because I need to know if I'm the only one that found Sean Bean really attractive in this?! I'm so confused, I don't usually find him hot but this is also the first time I've seen him not in period garb?

 

2524AA1400000578-0-image-a-13_1422610567985.jpg

 

 

tumblr_n2petbTBpK1rdgte0o1_500.gif

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I really wish June was on this ep because I need to know if I'm the only one that found Sean Bean really attractive in this?! I'm so confused, I don't usually find him hot but this is also the first time I've seen him not in period garb?

 

Did you not see him in GoldenEye?

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I'm glad you got someone on who enjoyed this film as much as I did. I know it's Looney Tunes, but I thought it was a lot of fun!

 

I noted that this is the second HDTGM film (Godzilla being the first) where it seems like a character in the movie got their hands on the actual film footage. When...um...Whispery Abrasax? Eddie Redmayne's character is watching a hologram replay of the egg donor clinic, he's watching the last scene in the movie, Spaceballs-style. Not security footage, not something from any of the alien's point of view, THE ACTUAL MOVIE.

 

In Batman & Robin, Batman shows Mr. Freeze footage of Poison Ivy confessing to pulling the plug on the cryogenic machine Freeze's wife is being kept in. That confession is also straight-up film footage being shown again.

 

Also, this episode gave me the hardest laugh I've gotten in a long-ass time from this show. When someone asks Josh Richmond how Channing Tatum survives on the outside of a spaceship that travels through space, and his response is a matter-of-fact "He's part dog." Destroyed me.

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Omission?

 

As soon as this movie started with the Russian love story, and having some inkling that the movie was about a "space princess," I immediately thought of the story of Anastasia. I was completely convinced that this was going to be an intergalactic rip-off of the story, but the movie deviates from that. I feel it's still a worthy mention, even though "Jupiter Ascending" would be ripping off the Disney version rather than the true story.

 

What pointed it out to me:

- Russian

- Rags to Riches

- Lost Royalty

 

 

Any thoughts?

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2 things:

 

- I have a real problem with the whole harvesting humanity thing. the Abrasax family seed the earth with humans and then just wait a hundred thousand years or so to harvest? there are around 7 billion people alive on earth right now, but it’s estimated that 108 billion people have lived and died. thats 101 billion people that they didn’t get to turn into fountain of youth goo, and an unimaginable fortune that they’re just ignoring. shouldn't these planets be set up like actual farms and just process humans once they reach a certain age? or why not harvest the planet after a certain amount of time - like every 100 or 1,000 years or whatever - and then re-seed it, harvest again and repeat? and shouldn’t the abrasax family intervene in the major events of humanity by preventing wars, disease, and pollution so that their products don’t kill each other off and are nice and healthy when they process them?

 

 

They stated that Earth was just now entering its "Genetic Age" where presumably the genes were good enough to bottle.

 

As a side note, its well known that 108 humans go in one bottle of soylent water. But if you grab some middle ages people... whew you'll be bottling all day long its more like 250 / bottle. And really it doesn't work as well =D

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OMISSION:

I am not surprised any of you missed this as it's a bit obscure for US audiences, but there is a whole series of children's detective novels starring a character named Jupiter Jones. Jupiter is described as looking like a youthful Alfred Hitchcock. The book series, called The Three Investigators, was published for about 20 years right along side Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys from 1964 to 1987. These books, while no longer in print in the United States, are so big in Germany that they continue to add books to the series. As of 2014, there are 180 titles, 73 radio dramas, and 2 feature films. Jupiter is driven in a Rolls Royce, lives in a Salvage Yard, and his parents were ballroom dancers.

 

You left out the best part - in this series, Alfred Hitchcock appeared as a character. He introduces each story, he is a key character in the first book in the series, and the last chapter of each book is the Three Investigators sitting with Hitchcock and discussing the mystery and going through the entire plot.

 

Eventually they replaced Hitchcock with a fictional writer (Hector Sebastian) after Hitchcock died in real life.

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On the podcast everyone was surprised at how Jupiter was suddenly able to quote intergalactic law when she shows up on one of the Abrasax's ships. When she first arrives on the space-police ship she is given a book of laws and rules. I don't think she is shown reading it (maybe when Caine comes to visit her in her quarters?) but in her down-time I guess we are supposed to assume she has spent her time reading this book instead of, oh I don't know, exploring a space ship full of aliens!

 

This could have been a good opportunity to expand her character if earlier on Earth they had established that she was nerdy and liked to read about rules and regulations because she was trying to learn so that she could better herself so she wouldn't be a maid her whole life. But no, she is given a "Laws of the Universe" book and we're supposed to assume that she reads the whole thing and is able to quote it when meeting one of the Abrasax siblings.

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Hi everyone! I'm new. Has anyone mentioned the zero gravity orgy that Titus Abraxis is in randomly in the movie? It was very strange but I think it was meant to introduce the character as a ladies' man.

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I have a couple of points of dialog that have bugged me to no end and I hope someone can help clarify them for me.

 

When Jupiter is getting exposition dumped by Stinger she tells him, "[Caine] seems different since we got here." Based on what, Jupiter? Based on what??? You have only known this guy for about 24hrs--12 of which you were unconscious for! How do you know if he is acting differently? You met him and he was terse and brooding. You drove to the country and he was terse and brooding. You get to the Stinger's farm, and guess what, the dude is still terse and brooding! How is he any different from any of the interactions you have had with him up to this point? Is it just that he's not currently space-skating through the city shooting at alien bounty hunters? Guess what, Dumb-dumb, I'm willing to bet he has a life outside of damsel saving and space adventuring. And also, while we're at it, teachers don't live at the schools where they work.

 

Stinger then goes on to tell her all about the brave and unstoppable werewolf species:

 

"[Caine] is a Lycantant without a pack....a Lycantant needs a pack. It's their center of gravity. Alone, usually they waste away and die, unless they become like him. Fearless. Relentless."

 

So, unless my Wachowski to English dictionary is failing me, he is basically saying, "These guys are pretty tough and heartless. Unless of course something bad happens to them, at which point they will either get really, really sad or continue to be just as they are: tough and heartless." Are the Wachowskis telling me that when a tragedy occurs a person will either wallow in their misery or find a way to move on with their life? Wow! Way to go Jupiter Ascending! You really broke open the human condition for me. Consider my mind thoroughly blown.

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JA is the first and only movie I've ever walked out of, so I was conflicted about paying to see the entire thing. Holy cow.

  • Never have I seen a movie with more setups that go nowhere. I thought for sure that Jupiter's dad had discovered some clue to mankind's extraplanetary origins or something like that. Nope, just shot and killed and never heard from again. The three bounty hunters, the two remaining Abrasax siblings, Jupiter's friend/boss(?) who was going on the date with the rich bachelor -- they all just evaporated as the movie went on.
  • I kept thinking: Dune + Maid in Manhattan = JA
  • There was a scene at Uncle Vlade's house where his daughter (I think) is coughing while she's talking to him, coughing enough that you'd think she has an illness which will play a part in the story later. Nope, never seen again.
  • The real problem with the rocket boots is that they tried to explain them at all. Rocket boots are cool! Just let us see you flying around in them. Remember the first time you saw a lightsaber in Star Wars? There was no explanation needed. Some fundamental part of you knew that this was a sweet weapon, and all you wanted was to see two people fighting with them. Obiwan never attempted to break down the mechanics of lightsabers because it would have ruined the coolness.

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1. Favorite moment: In the big climax scene when the whole planet is inexplicably exploding, Jupiter starts to climb a ladder, and my girlfriend blurts out "Jupiter is ascending!" Is that the moment the whole moving was building to?

 

2. Why does Jupiter only have the right to get earth back? Shouldn't she have the right to all her former possessions?

 

3. Are there no space police? Or like space FBI? Everyone is so advanced except in the law enforcement arena?

 

4. I think there was a weapon called Bee's wax? How can we not get more info on this?

 

5. At the beginning, Balem teleports to meet with his siblings. Why doesn't everyone just teleport everywhere? Why do you need ships?

 

6. The timing of the wedding sequence was nothing less than insane. I think Caine destroyed an entire fleet of enemies in the amount of time it took Jupiter to say her vows.

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The timing of the wedding sequence was nothing less than insane. I think Caine destroyed an entire fleet of enemies in the amount of time it took Jupiter to say her vows.

 

I am convinced that wedding crash scene was a nearly complete ripoff of the wedding crash scene from Flash Gordon (1980). Titus Abrasax really should have been impaled on the tip of Caine's ship, if only to give closure to his character.

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Did you not see him in GoldenEye?

 

I just saw some clips on YouTube and his accent in that is NOT doing it for me unfortch.

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I have a couple of points of dialog that have bugged me to no end and I hope someone can help clarify them for me.

 

This is unrelated to your question/point, but the dialogue in this movie pissed me the fuck off. Like, I get that we're used to bad dialogue in the movies we watch for HDTGM. Hell, that's even half the fun sometimes. But in this movie, it was infuriating. They talked in this episode about how much exposition should have been there, but then let's look at what exposition actually WAS there by comparison.

 

First off, every single line of dialogue in the opening scene was awful. The whole scene was beyond pointless and did nothing except try to build pathos for a thoroughly unlikable character. I think I even missed half the dialogue because I had subtitles on, and the version I watched said "[sPEAKING RUSSIAN]" on top of the actual English translations. And I feel like I got just as much out of that scene as if I had read every stupid thing these dummies had to say.

 

Second, let me ask you guys a question. Do you think Jupiter hated her life? If you're not sure, go back and watch the montage of her cleaning toilets where she says, "I hate my life" about 20 times in the course of 2 minutes. This is basically trying to set up that she's miserable without anything actually awful happening to her. She has to get up early, she's a maid, and she lives with her family. Boo fucking hoo. Literally the only thing that suggests she's miserable is that she keeps repeating how much she hates her life. I bet her mom wishes she had gotten shot, too, so she wouldn't have lived long enough to see her daughter become such a whiny little fuck.

 

Stinger then goes on to tell her all about the brave and unstoppable werewolf species:

 

"[Caine] is a Lycantant without a pack....a Lycantant needs a pack. It's their center of gravity. Alone, usually they waste away and die, unless they become like him. Fearless. Relentless."

 

Who came up with the word "Lycantant" and why the fuck where they not fired immediately? It's worse than any of the awful character names.

 

Also, I don't know if any of you listen to Spontaneanation (you should), but during PFT's "pre-ramble" today, he brought up people marrying dogs and dog-human hybrids. And it totally killed me because I was reminded of this horrible movie.

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Off Topic Question

 

This probably isn't the correct forum to ask this (I'm not on FB or Twitter, guys), but seeing how Nate* and possibly Paul will be checking this thread for C&O's over the next couple of days, I thought it I might go ahead and ask here. Is there going to be a 2nd Annual Howdies this year? Obviously, schedules allowing...

 

I thought last year's was pretty fun and would love for them to do another! Of course, last year's episode had the benefit of 3 1/2 years of material, but I think another episode would be fun--especially considering they've had so many issues this year getting everyone in the same place. I think it might be fun to hear Jason and June's reactions to bits/movies/other weirdness that occurred while they were out.

 

Again, I know last year's episode was difficult to put together and I would hate to put more work on the good folks at Earwolf, but I would love it if it could be put together. Just curious.

 

Nate--

 

I just wanted to say thank you for the love (probably not "love," more like "not-dislike" ) you've given my posts over the past year. I'm not sure if I'm always deserving, as I often find other people's posts more insightful/funny/interesting then my (usually) meandering, stream-of-conscious ramblings, but it's always pretty cool to hear them read on-air during the mini-episodes. So I just wanted to say thank you for that and all the work you do for HDTGM and Earwolf!

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On the podcast everyone was surprised at how Jupiter was suddenly able to quote intergalactic law when she shows up on one of the Abrasax's ships. When she first arrives on the space-police ship she is given a book of laws and rules. I don't think she is shown reading it (maybe when Caine comes to visit her in her quarters?) but in her down-time I guess we are supposed to assume she has spent her time reading this book instead of, oh I don't know, exploring a space ship full of aliens!

 

This could have been a good opportunity to expand her character if earlier on Earth they had established that she was nerdy and liked to read about rules and regulations because she was trying to learn so that she could better herself so she wouldn't be a maid her whole life. But no, she is given a "Laws of the Universe" book and we're supposed to assume that she reads the whole thing and is able to quote it when meeting one of the Abrasax siblings.

Remember though, these are the guys (well...) that in "The Matrix" just plugged Keanu into a computer and went "There. Now you know everything. Let's go kick stuff".

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OMISSION

 

When Jupiter wakes up on a new planet, in a place that is totally bonkers, with a robot voice that just starts speaking to her, she looks around, looks down and extremely casually says "Oh, new clothes" and then continues to talk to the robot as if all is normal.

 

This is one is a series of events where Jupiter wakes up in a new place wearing new clothes. There are so many that they even make a weird joke about it when Jupiter asks if she can change clothes alone.

 

But moreover this is the pinnacle of Jupiter's "go with the flow" attitude. Nothing fazes this girl. I'm pretty sure upon waking up on a new planet I would be able to muster up more than an offhand comment about my threads simply being different.

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Omission:

When the Balem Abrasax floats in his chariot thing during the first scene with the leather jacket reptiles, the chariot is adorned with a gold-ish person that is obviously played by a black actress. Seems a bit unnecessarily insensitive in a film full of every imaginable alien / humanoid creature in the universe to have him fly in a thrown with a black slave attached to the front like a trophy. No?

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I'm back home now and can look at my notes again. And boy, there's a lot of stuff that didn't get covered.

 

Right off the bat, there are two movie tropes that bug the hell out of me:

  • Starting off a movie with four minutes of exposition that's completely pointless. It's becoming a thing in sci-fi (and it's even worse in video games) to give some sort of backstory on people you don't even know. This information would be far more poignant if we knew Jupiter or gave a fuck about her first. Bring this stuff up in the middle of the second act to build her character, but even then, we don't need a flashback. Have her tell the story to Captain Sparkles of the Rollerskate Brigade. This would create some sort of emotional connection between them much better than saying how she's always wanted to jump on a dog dick. (I mentioned this once already, but I wanted to expand on it)
  • Someone has a gun; they point it at someone. BUT GET THIS GUYS - THE SAFETY IS ON! I think the first time I specifically remember this being used was in the first Bad Boys. Or it could have been Die Hard with a Vengeance. They came out around the same time. Just off the top of my head, I remember it happening in The Fifth Element, Run Lola Run, The Rock, Big Trouble in Little China, Scream, and Edge of Tomorrow. Yes, some of those came out before the movies I mentioned; those are just the ones I remember noticing it for the first time. It's overdone now and just comes off as lazy.

 

There were a lot of comparisons to The Matrix in this episode, which was a good jumping off point. Thematically, it has a lot in common with the first film. I think you could have cut 90% of the Abrasax scenes, and it would have been a much better movie. You know what made The Matrix so great? It was a simple story, and you learned everything as Neo learned it. The sense of wonderment that came with that helped fuel the story. They could still be harvesting Earth in this movie, but we honestly don't need any of the siblings to show up until late second act. Stinger or Caine could quickly explain that the three are fighting over her, and her attempting to defeat them, claim her birthright, and save Earth are the third act. Boom. Much better movie.

 

Other ridiculous bullshit:

  • After the bees recognize her, they call her "Your Majesty" FIVE fucking times before she's even like, "Hey, why the shit are you guys calling me that?"
  • Everyone said this movie was "beautiful." I thought it looked awful. The CGI alien things looked like Gravelings from Dead Like Me, which didn't look outstanding at the time they were on Showtime - a decade ago. Ores (I had to look up the city's name) looked the worst. Those backdrops looked god-awful. If this is "beautiful," I'll take 1997 Star Wars-style effects any day.
  • Stinger tells Jupiter: "Earth is just a planet, and people own things far more valuable." BUT THE WHOLE POINT OF THE MOVIE IS THAT EARTH IS SO GODDAMN VALUABLE
  • The original humans killed the dinosaurs. Just read that sentence out loud and try not to kill yourself.
  • I mentioned this in the minisode thread, but that bureaucracy scene is the wooooorst. It's supposed to be funny, I think, but it's just goddamn awful. And later, when she knows the exact law she needs for what-the-fuck-ever-it-was she was trying to prove, it's 27b-stroke-6, which is the name of the form referenced by Jonathan Pryce in one of the best scenes of Brazil. I wanted to break something when they trotted this allusion out.
  • Sean Bean is clearly supposed to be the Lando of this movie. But Lando redeems himself by rescuing Leia and Chewie and setting the stage for them to save Han from Jabba's palace. We don't see his redemption because the characters forgive him; he's redeemed in our eyes because we see that he's actually a (somewhat) good dude put in an awful position. Compare that to Stinger. What's his redemption moment? Ca(n)ine opens up his cell, and Stinger mumbles, "I'm sorry, man." That's literally the whole scene, and then we're supposed to go, "Welp, I guess he was really good all along!

 

Fuck. This. Movie.

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Fuck. This. Movie.

 

And then the movie took your job, kicked your dog, and shit in your bed. :)

 

But seriously, I'm with you. Good stuff. Embrace that shit.

 

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Corrections and omissions

 

Several times throughout the movie, Earth is mentioned as being "ripe for reaping". If the whole movie is based around Balem Abrasax wanting to kill Jupiter Jones why wouldn't he just harvest the whole planet (and turn everyone into purple dust?) while jupiter jones is still on it? Why hunt her down and risk losing everything when he can just kill everyone on the whole planet and add to his enormous wealth. This would eliminate any possibility of him losing his claim to his portion of his inheritance as well as eliminate the need to make this dumb movie.

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