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Ten minutes in, already dying of laughter. Paul needs to make a childhood stories one man spin off show called How Did I Get Made?

So, you're saying I need to pitch my idea to Hallmark Channel? My basic idea is you still have MJH be a scatterbrained artist who doesn't quite fit in with her family. She doesn't get dumped on Christmas Eve (have a heart dude, jeez). It's a week or so before. I'd say maybe MJH finds him cheating (unless that's too risque for Hallmark) but you need a better reason to end the relationship right before Christmas than "we had sex and now I don't want you anymore." Anyway, her mom calls to confirm Christmas right after it happens and she's too broken up to mention she just got dumped. So, she says she and her boyfriend are coming. She enlists her coworker to help her find a guy who'll go to Christmas with her family. Obviously, this doesn't work because you can get 10 minutes of comedy out of her going on date after date after date for a week. I'm picturing a Coming To America scenario where Eddie Murphy and Arsenio are meeting women in the club. It's now Christmas Eve and MJH is desperate. She tries reaching best of the guys she went on dates with but it's too late notice now and she has to leave for her parent's place in an hour. Here's where you can really get a few different ideas out of it. MJH picks a complete rando, her coworker (who I guess is male in this scenario), maybe someone who comes into the restaurant a lot, homeless guy she sees on the way to her car. It doesn't really matter. She makes the offer of "I'll give you XXXX amount of money to spend Christmas with me and pretend to be my boyfriend!" He agrees. If we picked some random dude, they start making up his history and getting to know each other and they fall in love over the holiday like every Christmas romance movie. If we pick her coworker, there's two ways to do it. 1. He's secretly been in love with her this whole time but she had no idea. or 2. They hated each other this whole time but they realize they aren't so different from each other. Either way, they fall in love. I don't feel like I need to go into detail for the second half of the movie because they're all pretty much the same. Give it some awful Christmas pun name like "On the first date of Christmas..." Cast Danica McKellar or Lacey Chabert and you've got a movie. Call me, Hallmark! ©2018 grudlian

Honestly, I can’t think of one off the top of my head. Usually there’s familial - particularly maternal - pressure to get married, but not one (that I can think of) where someone has “hired” a boyfriend or fiancé. I will say, something close, and maybe a recommendation for next year, would be Dear Santa. In that one, Amy Acker plays a spoiled socialite whose mother gives her an ultimatum: either get married or get a job by Christmas. By chance, she stumbles on a little girl’s letter to Santa which is asking for a new wife for her widowed father. So, rather than get a job, she sets her sights on stalking this stranger and his daughter and trick him into marrying her. There is also a gay character that is absolutely, 100% respectfully and tastefully done and is in no way a cartoon character. Here’s the trailer (It’s the kind that basically shows you the whole movie, so watch at your own risk, I guess)

One thing I'm very curious about is what was MJH's plan? At the start of the movie, she's "weird" but not crazy. I get that she took Mario Lopez hostage without thinking it through but how did she think that would work out? Did she think he would just go with it? Fall in love? It's frustrating because I feel that legit could write a better movie with a similar(ish) premise. I couldn't write a good movie but better than this. MJH is still having a shitty day. Her boyfriend still breaks up with her. Instead of kidnapping a guy, she just pays some rando to pretend to be her boyfriend. Maybe she kidnaps him but she gives him a financial reason to stick around. They start to fall in love from learning about each other the same way they do in the movie. I'm sure there is a holiday movie with this premise (as the holiday romance experts, can the Cams or tomspanks confirm this?). It's not even that far off from that Andie McDowell Gerard Depardieu movie Green Card. It makes way more sense but a generic holiday romance probably doesn't get 6 million viewers like Holiday In Handcuffs did.

That grandfather? The creepy gas station man! (All kidding aside fuck you Slater. Gramps could have moved to Florida and gone to June's dad's community of sex crazed widows. But instead he raised your punk ass)

serious question ... did you know paul played the kid from the santa clause ... true story see .....

It’s the birds and the bees, not the birds and Steve.

For sure. I just think it's an easier sell to Hallmark with those two actresses. There's no reason it can't be June or Nicole Byer, Jessica St. Clair, Lauren Lapkus or whoever. I think the bad dates montage is just a list improvisers going off of "worst possible first date lines" and doing their thing. At the very least, I was picturing Jason Mantzoukas in there.

Every pirate and French sailor you ever met tried to warn you that gonorrhea should be called stayorrhea but alas, the last pirate died 100 years before you were born and you abhor the thought of engaging with a Frenchman.

I love the part when Slater is opening up about his past and he tells Sabrina that, after his parents died, he grew up in a one bedroom apartment with his grandfather, and then proceeds to tell her, “I learned from an early age that we’re all on our own.” Gee whiz, homeboy certainly doesn’t think much of his grandfather, does he?

Oh, you HAVE to leave a thank you note to Santa (and reindeer). It would be rude not to. Santa works hard and deserves some freaking appreciation. What you can’t do is leave a note that’s like, “BTW - while you’re here, I want some tiki lights.” That’s a one way ticket to Coal Town if you ask me.

Earwolf tweeted out a video that Engineer Cody Sam took of Monster Fuck, and the intensity of Wiger's performance goes to another level with the visual element added in.