Van Helsing (2004)

[NeilMiddleton 13]

We've got Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale fighting the classic Universal Monsters. What could go wrong? Just about everything. Werewolves show up in broad daylight, full moon or no. Said full moons happen for two nights, skip three and happen again. Richard Roxburgh as the worst Dracula. Vampire babies that explode into goo. Frankensteins creation that annoying and can never make up his mind about living or dying. And, apparently, soft, velvet couches kill people who've been thrown through walls, dropped from heights through ceilings and hit the ground with nary a hair out of place.

 

Not a moment of this film makes any sense. I was so looking forward to this film back when it hit theaters, confident that no matter what it would at least be fun. No. Unbelievably bad. It tanked so bad that the sequels and television series were cancelled. Last I heard, though, I believe Tom Cruise was attached to the damn remake...

[Darian 19]

yes!!!!! please do this movie!!!

[sillstaw 414]

One night, my sister, our brother and his wife were channel surfing and put it on "Van Helsing" for a minute or two. In that minute, flying demon-women were terrorizing a town, and one of them picked up a cow and threw it through a building. I'm almost afraid to watch the rest of the movie, because it seems like nothing could match the WTF-ness of seeing that scene out of context.

 

(And if that scene's not in that remake they're thinking of doing, they might as well not remake it at all.)

[Johnny Unusual 525]

This movie IS AWFUL. Much like how I've recommended palette cleansers, I think this should be done too, but after doing an enjoyable film. It really needs the padding. This has some of the all-time worst CGI for a big Hollywood movie.

[seanotron 2307]

It is ridiculous, but I find it enjoyably campy (mostly thanks to Richard Roxburgh and David Wenham). I always thought the guy playing Frankenstein's Monster did a decent Peter Boyle impression. And there is some good production design in this, especially that ballroom scene. But I do think the term 'CGI vomit' was invented for things like this.

[jonrob5000 7]

Definitely has to be done. Complete and utter garbage that should work on paper.

What's worse? The ropey effects, the fact that Jackman is in a coat so voluminous he can't act out of it. The strong hints - that quickly get dropped - of Van Helsing really being the Angel Gabriel with amnesia?

 

 

This film is the perfect HDTGM subject. Big -very sexy - stars, legendary characters, big (at the time)

[klause 0]

YES! Oh man, oh man, this movie was great.

 

I turned it on the other day with my cousin right during the chase scene between the flying vamp-hags and the horse-drawn carriage. Then the horse-drawn carriage falls off a cliff and my cousin goes "There's no way this carriage is gonna explode, right? Please explode! Please explode! PLEEEASE..." Needless to say, Van Helsing did not disappoint. Oh boy that wooden carriage (with no explosives in it, mind you) went up like a damned mushroom cloud. Cuz, you know...physics.

 

I wish I was a fly on the wall when that scene was filmed. I like to imagine it went like this:

 

Studio executive: "What the fuck is this? That wagon barely even made a bang when it hit the ground. I didn't see a single fucking flame."

 

Screenwriter (or director): "Well yes, Mr. Grossman, that's because wood doesn't explode spontaneously when it hits the ground."

 

Studio executive: "What are you, Albert fucking Einstein? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MOVIES WORK? HOW THE FUCK IS THE AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE ACTION SEQUENCE IS OVER IF IT DOESN'T EXPLODE?? MAKE IT FUCKING BLOW THE SHIT UP!"

 

I also imagine that's roughly the same way the plant leaf ended up exploding in the beginning of Iron Man 3.

[thestray 361]

YES! Oh man, oh man, this movie was great.

 

I turned it on the other day with my cousin right during the chase scene between the flying vamp-hags and the horse-drawn carriage. Then the horse-drawn carriage falls off a cliff and my cousin goes "There's no way this carriage is gonna explode, right? Please explode! Please explode! PLEEEASE..." Needless to say, Van Helsing did not disappoint. Oh boy that wooden carriage (with no explosives in it, mind you) went up like a damned mushroom cloud. Cuz, you know...physics.

 

I wish I was a fly on the wall when that scene was filmed. I like to imagine it went like this:

 

Studio executive: "What the fuck is this? That wagon barely even made a bang when it hit the ground. I didn't see a single fucking flame."

 

Screenwriter (or director): "Well yes, Mr. Grossman, that's because wood doesn't explode spontaneously when it hits the ground."

 

Studio executive: "What are you, Albert fucking Einstein? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MOVIES WORK? HOW THE FUCK IS THE AUDIENCE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE ACTION SEQUENCE IS OVER IF IT DOESN'T EXPLODE?? MAKE IT FUCKING BLOW THE SHIT UP!"

 

I also imagine that's roughly the same way the plant leaf ended up exploding in the beginning of Iron Man 3.

 

Hate to be a party pooper, but there actually were explosives in that carriage, the carriage was a decoy with explosives in it.

 

As for Iron Man 3 that was also explained in the movie, it was grown with some experimental unstable form of extremis.

[CarolineFulford 2]

Loved it when I was a kid. Dragged my parents to it not once, but twice. They deserve medals.

[klause 0]

 

Hate to be a party pooper, but there actually were explosives in that carriage, the carriage was a decoy with explosives in it.

 

As for Iron Man 3 that was also explained in the movie, it was grown with some experimental unstable form of extremis.

 

Hmm, I considered this possibility that he secretly planted explosives in the carriage beforehand, but then when I watched the sequence play out on screen I decided that somehow anticipating that crazy sequence of events would be even more absurd than wood spontaneously exploding.

 

And as for Iron Man 3, I'm not saying they didn't try to explain it, I'm just saying it's stupid. If it was due to overheating, it would reach a temperature that causes flames long before going up in a blast like that, and if it was due to being unstable, as in nuclear decay, there would be incredible amounts of radiation being given off by these plants/people, which is never an issue in the movie. Not to mention, the odds of such a contained fission reaction that the people nearby merely end up with some cartoon-like black soot on their faces is pretty low...

[PhillipMedoc 648]

And as for Iron Man 3, I'm not saying they didn't try to explain it, I'm just saying it's stupid. If it was due to overheating, it would reach a temperature that causes flames long before going up in a blast like that, and if it was due to being unstable, as in nuclear decay, there would be incredible amounts of radiation being given off by these plants/people, which is never an issue in the movie. Not to mention, the odds of such a contained fission reaction that the people nearby merely end up with some cartoon-like black soot on their faces is pretty low...

Just repeat to yourself, “It’s just a show, I should really just relax".

[thestray 361]

 

Hmm, I considered this possibility that he secretly planted explosives in the carriage beforehand, but then when I watched the sequence play out on screen I decided that somehow anticipating that crazy sequence of events would be even more absurd than wood spontaneously exploding.

 

And as for Iron Man 3, I'm not saying they didn't try to explain it, I'm just saying it's stupid. If it was due to overheating, it would reach a temperature that causes flames long before going up in a blast like that, and if it was due to being unstable, as in nuclear decay, there would be incredible amounts of radiation being given off by these plants/people, which is never an issue in the movie. Not to mention, the odds of such a contained fission reaction that the people nearby merely end up with some cartoon-like black soot on their faces is pretty low...

 

I don't know, I don't think it's so absurd that they knew the bad guys would be on their tail so they set a trap. *shrug* I mean, I just think of all the things that occur in that movie, planting some explosives in a carriage seems to probably be the least weird thing that happened.

 

As for Iron Man 3, I think you're mixing up the science of things you understand with the fake science of things that don't exist. I don't think it's so much "stupid" as it is just fictional. There's no such thing as Extremis, it's fictional super science created by fictional super scientists, of course it's going to behave in ways that defy the conventions of established real science, that's kind of the point, it's science fiction. You can't have guys flying around in suits of armors and super powered humans who breath fire without taking some liberties with science. More importantly the explosion illustrated a point, that this stuff makes organic things explode, which was the crux of the movie, and provided a humorous scene.

 

I love sci-fi but I think often people get too wrapped up in the sci part and forget the fi part.

[CarolineFulford 2]

I love sci-fi but I think often people get too wrapped up in the sci part and forget the fi part.

 

Reason #677843868682 Paul and Jason hate everyone on these forums.

[klause 0]

I usually don't get nit-picky about sci-fi/superhero movies. I dunno why Iron Man 3 just bugged me for some reason. Maybe just because in the beginning of the movie (before I understood the plot) I thought it was funny that they made a leaf explode, and I liked imagining it was because studio execs insist that everything must explode in action movies.

 

But about Van Helsing...if we can't make fun of the exploding carriage scene, then why does this forum exist?

[thestray 361]

But about Van Helsing...if we can't make fun of the exploding carriage scene, then why does this forum exist?

 

People can make fun of whatever they want, I was just saying you missed a part of that scene that invalidates what you thought was funny about it. Which is not a dig on you or anything, because it's easy to miss that kinda stuff in these poorly written poorly edited movies. This movie is a garbage fest that does a piss-poor job at being coherent.

[stellamarch16 5]

Yes, not doubt the movie is absolute nonsense and is nothing more than typical Hollywood trash, which was made to cater to the masses rather than the serious cinema lover.

[lolholm 5]

I'm so on board with doing this one. It's nuts and fun.

[Darian 19]

Can we agree that this movie blows?

 

"In 1887, Transylvanian Doctor Victor Frankenstein (Samuel West) brings to life his Monster (Shuler Hensley) with the aid of his assistant Igor (Kevin J. O'Connor), and Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh). Dracula kills Dr. Frankenstein after revealing that he helped him only so he could use Frankenstein's monster to bring his undead children to life..."

 

What...

 

the...

 

fuck????

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

How has the incomprehensible piece-of-shit movie not been done yet?

[Ofcoursemyhorse 1043]

I liked Sommers first two mummy movies, they were goofy but fun. Also the special edition dvd with like 4 different commentaries, including the solo Fraser one are all very entertaining.

 

This movie was just bad. He had way too many ideas floating around with nothing to tether them together. Richard Roxborough was delightfully over the top in this one. I just fucking love that the plot of this movie revolves around Dracula needing Frankenstein as a power source for his baby vampire hatchery.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

I went on a set up group date in middle school to see this movie. I attribute it to killing that relationship before it even began.

[Tehvin 93]

I think this was the first movie I saw as an adult after I graduated college. It was a date and everything and I left the theater so ANGRY.

 

And I love Hugh Jackman.

[VinsanityV22 500]

Oh this disaster's a blast! This has one of those moments where you think of the stupidest thing possible, in jest... and then you witness the very thing you were thinking of! Spoiler Alert: I distinctly remember thinking, "I hope he turns into a Werewolf to fight Dracula, lol"... AND THEN THEY DID IT! xD

[nthurkettle 148]

I remember the moment where Kate Beckinsale struck a sexy pose and boasted "NOTHING can outrun Transylvanian horses!", immediately followed by a chase scene in which EVERYTHING is outrunning the Transylvanian horses.

 

For the sheer spectacle of watching a movie studio take a pile of money that could bring clean water to Africa and just light it the f*ck on fire, this one's hard to beat.

[Joven 373]

I've seen this movie at least 5-10 times, thanks to Quiptracks' rifftrax of it - http://www.theootl.com/zc/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=5_1&products_id=6. , this movie is hot garbage, but that at least makes it enjoyable to watch.

 

So in addition to the Transylvania horses thing, they look like they definitely rode at least a days ride from the village before the vampires caught up...so they flew in daylight, and they definitely did on the way back carrying whatserface to wherever. Guess they just got really lucky as hell with the cloud cover...Maybe it's only something they have to worry about during their first full moon, like everything else in the movie.

 

Also, I don't know how many people here have watched X-play back in the day, but It hanks to their review of the game based off this movie, I can't not see Van Helsing written or mentioned without thinking it being said like the "toasty" guy from Mortal Kombat.