Episode 40 — Aubrey Plaza, Our Close Friend

[Toby Keith Sweat 1000]

Hey toby keith sweat,

I don't want to start a forum beef, but it looks to me like you live in a fucking flyover state man. I'm thinking maybe 69sville is NOT in Hollywood?

... how else would you explain going to Walmart and NOT buying coconut waters and a blu ray copy of Tom "CruiseControl" in Cocktail?

... not very Hollywood.

 

no offense to any hollywood bigwigs who may listen to the show, but if i was a big friggin hollywood hotshot i can bet you dollars to cronuts that i'd be too friggin busy icing my groin from banging julia louis-dreyfus and murphy brown or whoever is the flavor of the month so much that i'd have no time to be spending listening to a podcast telling me how to kick butt and drop names in the red-carpet lined back hallways of this industry we call showbiz, something i would clearly already know how to do

[RyanWright 713]

mean detective, your name is funny to me, keep up the good work

 

fatty2dicks, Uhh I'm going to need some actual proof. How do I know that you aren't some madman that has the real mbop duct taped and chained to a chair in a basement? His only hope of rescue being the foolish idea that his beloved forum will notice his absence, that could take weeks

[Fatty2Dicks 694]

mean detective, your name is funny to me, keep up the good work

 

fatty2dicks, Uhh I'm going to need some actual proof. How do I know that you aren't some madman that has the real mbop duct taped and chained to a chair in a basement? His only hope of rescue being the foolish idea that his beloved forum will notice his absence, that could take weeks

 

papa smurf getting a pap smear from pat smear

[thinkofthechildren 54]

 

no offense to any hollywood bigwigs who may listen to the show, but if i was a big friggin hollywood hotshot i can bet you dollars to cronuts that i'd be too friggin busy icing my groin from banging julia louis-dreyfus and murphy brown or whoever is the flavor of the month so much that i'd have no time to be spending listening to a podcast telling me how to kick butt and drop names in the red-carpet lined back hallways of this industry we call showbiz, something i would clearly already know how to do

 

At this point, I can either back down. Or I can lie and make up something that becomes cannon I have to follow for the rest of my time here... These are the moments that create true champions. This is my Apollo Creed. This is my final arm wrestle in Over The Top. This is my decision to direct Stayin' Alive.

... The truth is guys. I'm a Hollywood bigwig on the forums to scout for new talent. It's easier to hire someone who's already learned how to kick butt and drop names in the red carpet lined back hallways of this industry we call show biz than it is to teach someone how to kick butt and drop names in the red carpet lined back hallways of this industry we call show biz, and the truth toby? The real truth? Is that you, just like Charlie Chaplin in the McCarthy era.

You've just been James Spader's The Blacklisted.

[RyanWright 713]

 

papa smurf getting a pap smear from pat smear

 

checks out, thanks

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Sincere post time:

This forum is obviously packed full of really funny people and lots of us probably have comedic aspirations. I really think that we should work together to create something, ANYTHING. We obviously have some talented writers here, and I really think that if some of us talk and collaborate on something, we could make something at least a little bit funny. I don't know what, but honestly it would be really cool to just brainstorm. Maybe write a Mike Detective style serial podcast? I just want people to be creative with, and I really like you guys, and I think you're all funny, smart, and attractive enough to do something cool.

My email is jeffmarra91@gmail.com. Let's prove ourselves as the best podcast forum in the history of the internet.

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

P.s. Sean and Hayes, you guys aren't invited.

[xoValeriexo 4369]

My email is Jeffmarra91@gmail.com. Let's prove ourselves as the best podcast forum in the history of the internet.

 

gmail said no. Are you a fucking liar, Parties?

[xoValeriexo 4369]

Andy, great funky job on this episode. You were great and didn't seem like a weirdo forum member they invited on. I'm proud of you.

 

I have a few questions:

 

How was Hayes' signature laugh up close and personal?

 

What did he tell you about tv writing?

 

What did you guys eat when you went out?

 

Was Sean stuck-up? *Objection - Leading the witness* Okay, um, was their any particular personality trait of Sean's that stood out to you?

 

How does Hayes drive with a hurted arm?

 

Tell me anything I missed.

[Scooby Donkers 1514]

One thing about this episode has been bugging me and that's if maybe Orby is like some kind of bird guy.

 

She was talking about climbing a tree and building a nest and Sean was all, "The nest is the show," but what if Orbey wasn't doing metaphors but instead was saying about her real life. Because later she kept talking about feeders, you know? Like BIRD feeders, ever heard of em?

 

Possibly scoop here, folks. Very interested to learn more.

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

 

gmail said no. Are you a fucking liar, Parties?

Maybe make the big J into a little j? That's the only thing I can think of. Because that is my email address, and I hate liars, unless they are both pretty and little.

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Also, I accidentally googled my email address and found this gem of a video:

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

Valerie, I know this was decades ago and I'm a loser and haven't heard it until now but your 'Tanks But No Tanks' Christmas Carol made me smile so big Tony Hawk started using my mouth as a half-pipe.

 

JeffreyParties, we should do a podcast together. What are you in to? I currently do three podcasts that nobody listens to but I've been thinking I need a fourth.

[mattyzmatty 157]

Here in the United Kingdom cronuts are called 'crow nuts' and they are boiled crow testes.

 

Just joking. Dry British wit.

[Sam. 480]

Sorry everyone.

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

Sorry everyone.

 

Sam, what was that movies quote?

[Hot - Slunch 772]

Aeon Flux, Max Headroom, Liquid Television? Is this a podcast from 1992?

 

Sean and Hayes at the forefront of podcasting. Nothing new there.

[xoValeriexo 4369]

Valerie, I know this was decades ago and I'm a loser and haven't heard it until now but your 'Tanks But No Tanks' Christmas Carol made me smile so big Tony Hawk started using my mouth as a half-pipe.

 

Hey, thanks! Okay, I like you now.

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Valerie, Greggy emailed me, so I think your internet is broken.

[JacobCrites 4977]

Y'all for REAL right now: I've been using the mobile version of the earwolf forums...until right now. I had no idea there was a "like" button. This is kind of a game changer for me. Apparently I have 611 likes, which is 611 likes more than I thought was possible to have! Also I didn't know I could change my user name. So I did. For the time being.

 

Also my name is Jake so call me that.

 

Also Parties I wanna be on your podcast. I'll play my acclaimed character "forgettable new guy"

[greggy 15909]

i envy your like button awakening jake-ems

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

Yoooooooo, Jake, hit that check marky mark on the mobes version, brah. Same as like & Ike, dawg.

[RyanWright 713]

I would enjoy collaborating if anyone is interested. I have no experience but as I'm sure

most of you are aware, me write good. I am make jokes. script are most funny . ooh pick me

 

Sorry everyone.

and who the hell let sam in here? don't expect any special treatment just because you're sean's cousin,

keep your orfiss shut and just stick to 'liking' ALL of my posts. Also, tell sean how cool I am... often

[kneisage 2108]

Andy, great funky job on this episode. You were great and didn't seem like a weirdo forum member they invited on. I'm proud of you.

 

Haha thanks again ValB and everybody else. I honestly was a little nervous how it was going to turn out and that everyone would think I fucked up the episode and they'd start throwing garbage in my hair, but everyone has been SO goddamn supportive and awesome and it makes me feel very good to be part of this ragtag group of jokers. PS count me the heck in on whatever podcast thing we end up working on! For a brief period I had a "spooky" podcast and once I wrote a script and had some friends help me act it out which was fun so maybe something like that where we all contribute voices would be fun? Or anything is cool with me.

 

Anyway you guys rock I would give you all 1,000 Chris Hardwink points if I could!!! But instead I'll just give you some internet winks these are for you all thank you thank you thank you ;)

 

OK let's see for these questions...

 

How was Hayes' signature laugh up close and personal?

I don't think I ever made him actually do his signature loud guffaw but I may have made him chuckle and that is something I will hold onto tightly and try and remember if I ever am feeling nervous or down in the dumps.

 

What did he tell you about tv writing?

What I mostly took away from the TV talk was that it's good to not only have funny spec scripts (which you got in spades), but also to have a good original pilot script as well that is crammed full of jokes. I'm trying to figure out a good concept for one right now. I think it's gonna have ghosts and monsters in it because I'm twisted and fucked up and I like stuff like that.

 

I'm having trouble remembering any other specific advice but let me know if there's anything you're wondering about and I'll see if I can remember it getting brought up when we met.

 

What did you guys eat when you went out?

We went to a diner that Hayes knew in LA and he ordered cheesy eggs and then so did I because I couldn't decide what I wanted. Then for a side I ordered fruit but instead of like maybe some melon or a fruit salad kind of thing, I ended up just getting four giant chunks of pineapple. And also it came with buttered toast and I made a joke where I said "I only eat yellow foods" but I think Hayes missed it because I said it quiet. Or maybe he thought I was telling the truth.

 

Was Sean stuck-up? *Objection - Leading the witness* Okay, um, was their any particular personality trait of Sean's that stood out to you?

No sorry Sean was also very cool and funny and charming. I think we're just gonna have to look up to both equally because they are two good humans. Sean also asked me where I live which was friendly.

 

How does Hayes drive with a hurted arm?

I actually never saw him wearing a sling so he either got better before we met or was too proud to wear it in front of me.

 

Tell me anything I missed.

I also saw Sam leave on his motorcycle and he looked cool as hell. He did some trick where he opened the gate to the parking lot and was able to leave out of the "in" gate and Sean and Hayes were impressed.

 

Hmm what else... right in front of me on the table were the signatures of improv all-timers Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus and I felt very honored and simultaneously way out of me league.

 

OK this is long enough thanks everyone I can continue recounting what happened if there are any details people want to hear more about.

[chanson 9697]

Andy Kneis, your sincerity and general good natured-ness sickens me. This world will chew you up and spit you out and have you for breakfast with its eggs and bacon. I respect you.

 

You're welcome.