Episode 64 — Listeners, Our Close Friends

[Zsinjeh 1677]

and out of his hand, came a freakin' WEB

[Andrew 4646]

All Swedish Handbookheads, my sister is going to "Malmo" tomorrow, I said I could arrange someone to pick her up from the airport but oops slipped my mind lol. If you could just go ahead and figure out the details for that and do it I'd be grateful, thanks.

[Zsinjeh 1677]

that would have been a prime example to use one of the limited umlauts!!! now I'm not going to ask my friend who lives in Malmö to help her out

[Zsinjeh 1677]

Whoa I almost missed this

 

I made the big leagues

[rod aug 5637]

my fave quote came from the metal bug that grew out of sean's emmy that said "take that" after shooting sean's dad in the chest with a laser.

[watchayakan 1021]

 

 

One time Sean and Hayes said that I was actually a person they made up.

 

So that's a thing that happened one time.

 

Also, as much as I hate nerds, you nerds are pretty cool. Those nerds over on Reddit really grind my gears though. All of them. In fact, anyone who routinely uses Reddit that does not also contribute to this forum is a worthless pile of garbage.

 

Glad I got that off my chest.

 

IS THAT the KIND OF rant you're TALKING ABOUT SEAN? HUH? Am I GOOD ENOUGH now, DAD? AM I, SEAN?

Before I started posting I thought that you were actually a joke account from S+H. I'm still not entirely convinced you're not tbh...

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

When Sean told the story of splashing the bucket of horse cum on the other horse's butt and said "I think we're gonna have a baby horse soon."

[Matchgame72 118]

When Iliza Shlesinger mumbled "you guys are creeps"

[chanson 9697]

The Something Awful forums thread about Earwolf is the only true canon

 

Where are the fucking mods in this place?

[chanson 9697]

Jesus Christ, those imbeciles over on the Earwolf subreddit can't even keep their references in the right podcast. Fuck ups.

 

I'm actually for reals mad about this.

 

I live a privileged life.

[chanson 9697]

Before I started posting I thought that you were actually a joke account from S+H. I'm still not entirely convinced you're not tbh...

 

Neither am I.

 

However, I have literally posted pictures of myself, my car license plate, and my (American) passport at various times to prove that I am, in fact, real.

 

No one is more disappointed by this fact than myself.

[DanEngler 5249]

Where are the fucking mods in this place?

Oh, my finger's been hovering over the Ban Chanson button since the moment I learned you live on Vashon yet claim Seattle.

[watchayakan 1021]

 

Neither am I.

 

However, I have literally posted pictures of myself, my car license plate, and my (American) passport at various times to prove that I am, in fact, real.

 

No one is more disappointed by this fact than myself.

1) Do you have other passports?

2) Posting your passport seems like the worst idea ever.

[Andrew 4646]

2) Posting your passport seems like the worst idea ever.

 

Chanson's best protection against identity theft is the fact that the thief would then have to be Chanson.

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

Geez. Tension levels are rising. If there's a war a-brewing here I'm gonna have to play it safe and join a side right away.

 

#GargoyleBoyz

[chanson 9697]

1) Do you have other passports?

2) Posting your passport seems like the worst idea ever.

 

1. Canada (many generations ago someone in my family was born in Edmonton.)

2. Also yes.

[chanson 9697]

Oh, my finger's been hovering over the Ban Chanson button since the moment I learned you live on Vashon yet claim Seattle.

 

That's a very specific button. I'm quite honored by its existence.

 

I was gonna write something braggy about how long my family has been in Seattle and institutions they have been involved in the founding of but I didn't want to give Veebs more ammunition. Suffice it to say that my Seattle credentials are solid. Don't let the fact that I post my location as Seattle, Washington keep you up at night, Dan. I can promise that I have earned the right (through the actions of people who had sex and thus created myself) to do that unlike some liberal arts college grad from Baltimore (or other smaller major city) who moved here to take a job at Amazon because he/she really likes Starbucks and thinks Seattle is just so cool right now but lives in Lynnwood and just can't understand why the traffic is terrible and has the original idea to comment about it and let everyone know that maybe they should do something about it and doesn't understand why the days get so short in the winter and now is considering moving to the Bay because it's so much warmer there.

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Friends, I have a terrifying tale to share with you, of bloodshed, madness, and maybe even the Devil himself! I know that sometimes I joke around on here, but I swear this is 100% true, it happened to ME, last night. It was a windy, rainy night in New Orleans, and I, having only recently returned from a holiday trip where I suffered most tremendously from rotavirus infection, and not being yet fully recovered, spent a fitful night of sleep, interrupted by stumbling trips to the bathroom. Nevertheless, at some point, I managed to fall into a deep and restful slumber. I can't recall anything of what I may have dreamt about, or what may have transpired in my room while I slept, but I awoke, fully alert and rested at exactly 5:55, which is the nearest* to the Number of the Beast that a digital clock can approximate. Did I dream of an angelic conversation, or did a pair of horrifying ghosts manifest in my room while I slept? No one will ever know, but what I do know is that I had the following dialogue, word for word, freshly in my mind when I woke up at that ominous hour.

1st Ghost:

...and the caterer comes crashing through the beaded curtain in a panic. I asked if someone was choking and he said "It's Brie!"

2nd Ghost

(skeptically): Seriously? But it's so soft!

1st Ghost:

That's exactly what

I

said! So I go back with him into the gallery and Alison Brie is lying on the floor, her face is starting to turn blue, she's choking on a chunk of Pecorino.

2nd Ghost:

And you were the only one at the show who knows the Heimlich maneuver?

1st Ghost:

Not at all, there were at least three other people at the gallery who I know for a fact know the Heimlich maneuver, maybe more. No, they were all too intimidated by her fantastic breasts to even try to save her! I looked Lou right in the eye and called him a coward, I don't mind telling you I was pretty hot about it.

2nd Ghost:

Lou Diamond Phillips?

1st Ghost:

Ferrigno. Lou Diamond Phillips was there, but he actually doesn't know the Heimlich maneuver.

2nd Ghost:

Well lucky for Allison you showed up, because perfect breasts are old hat to you.

1st Ghost:

Mmm, yes. They looked just like a couple of old hats to me. So I put my fists under her sternum and with the first sharp shove the cheese wedge came whistling past my ear. Everyone cheered, Lou was crying, it was a whole scene.

2nd Ghost:

Lou Ferrigno?

1st Ghost:

Diamond Phillips. Lou Ferrigno ran out of the room as soon as I yelled at him. I feel a little bad about it now, honestly.

2nd Ghost:

Right, not everyone is cut out for heroism, but it isn't like its a crime to be scared.

1st Ghost:

Exactly.

2nd Ghost:

Have you talked to Allison since then? She must have been very grateful.

1st Ghost:

Oh she definitely was. She took me out to dinner a few days later, but when she leaned in for a kiss I couldn't help flinching away.

2nd Ghost:

Because you're married.

1st Ghost:

Well, no, I'm a happily married man, but I still understand the impulse for a gratitude kissy. And don't tell the wife I said so, but her hats are AMAZING. It was just that I couldn't help feeling like she was going to spit a cheese at me again. We laughed about it, but I could see that she was a little sad.

2nd Ghost:

That's all fine, but if we can rewind your story a bit, did the caterer seriously refer to her as "Brie?" That's outrageous!

1st Ghost:

Yes, when things settled down I went back and had a little man-to-man chat about it with him, believe me. Well, what up what up...

 

Again, I swear that this is entirely true. Oh, and when I got up to write this down, I saw that my foot was covered in blood from where I'd stubbed my toe on my luggage on the way to the toilet. Boom, there's your bloodshed. If you don't believe me, I'll post a photo which will totally confirm my story, but it's pretty grim.

 

*I know, 6:59 is technically closer, but that would lose all mystical significance. I think my clock got it right.

 

[Casaba 5942]

In my dream last night, BRRII's mom called him "Bruce Reid Robinson II." Say, Bruce, does your mumsy call you by your full name every time she talks to you?

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

For any who still doubt my tale of supernatural terrors, click below. But seriously, it is all literally true. Seriously. And literally.

 

 

 

[Joe McGurl 8358]

Friends, I have a terrifying tale to share with you, of bloodshed, madness, and maybe even the Devil himself! I know that sometimes I joke around on here, but I swear this is 100% true, it happened to ME, last night. It was a windy, rainy night in New Orleans, and I, having only recently returned from a holiday trip where I suffered most tremendously from rotavirus infection, and not being yet fully recovered, spent a fitful night of sleep, interrupted by stumbling trips to the bathroom. Nevertheless, at some point, I managed to fall into a deep and restful slumber. I can't recall anything of what I may have dreamt about, or what may have transpired in my room while I slept, but I awoke, fully alert and rested at exactly 5:55, which is the nearest* to the Number of the Beast that a digital clock can approximate. Did I dream of an angelic conversation, or did a pair of horrifying ghosts manifest in my room while I slept? No one will ever know, but what I do know is that I had the following dialogue, word for word, freshly in my mind when I woke up at that ominous hour.

1st Ghost:

...and the caterer comes crashing through the beaded curtain in a panic. I asked if someone was choking and he said "It's Brie!"

2nd Ghost

(skeptically): Seriously? But it's so soft!

1st Ghost:

That's exactly what

I

said! So I go back with him into the gallery and Alison Brie is lying on the floor, her face is starting to turn blue, she's choking on a chunk of Pecorino.

2nd Ghost:

And you were the only one at the show who knows the Heimlich maneuver?

1st Ghost:

Not at all, there were at least three other people at the gallery who I know for a fact know the Heimlich maneuver, maybe more. No, they were all too intimidated by her fantastic breasts to even try to save her! I looked Lou right in the eye and called him a coward, I don't mind telling you I was pretty hot about it.

2nd Ghost:

Lou Diamond Phillips?

1st Ghost:

Ferrigno. Lou Diamond Phillips was there, but he actually doesn't know the Heimlich maneuver.

2nd Ghost:

Well lucky for Allison you showed up, because perfect breasts are old hat to you.

1st Ghost:

Mmm, yes. They looked just like a couple of old hats to me. So I put my fists under her sternum and with the first sharp shove the cheese wedge came whistling past my ear. Everyone cheered, Lou was crying, it was a whole scene.

2nd Ghost:

Lou Ferrigno?

1st Ghost:

Diamond Phillips. Lou Ferrigno ran out of the room as soon as I yelled at him. I feel a little bad about it now, honestly.

2nd Ghost:

Right, not everyone is cut out for heroism, but it isn't like its a crime to be scared.

1st Ghost:

Exactly.

2nd Ghost:

Have you talked to Allison since then? She must have been very grateful.

1st Ghost:

Oh she definitely was. She took me out to dinner a few days later, but when she leaned in for a kiss I couldn't help flinching away.

2nd Ghost:

Because you're married.

1st Ghost:

Well, no, I'm a happily married man, but I still understand the impulse for a gratitude kissy. And don't tell the wife I said so, but her hats are AMAZING. It was just that I couldn't help feeling like she was going to spit a cheese at me again. We laughed about it, but I could see that she was a little sad.

2nd Ghost:

That's all fine, but if we can rewind your story a bit, did the caterer seriously refer to her as "Brie?" That's outrageous!

1st Ghost:

Yes, when things settled down I went back and had a little man-to-man chat about it with him, believe me. Well, what up what up...

 

Again, I swear that this is entirely true. Oh, and when I got up to write this down, I saw that my foot was covered in blood from where I'd stubbed my toe on my luggage on the way to the toilet. Boom, there's your bloodshed. If you don't believe me, I'll post a photo which will totally confirm my story, but it's pretty grim.

 

*I know, 6:59 is technically closer, but that would lose all mystical significance. I think my clock got it right.

 

 

TL;DR

[kobthatreal 5896]

#gargoyleboyz > shitshoebro

[Andrew 4646]

Hey, Alsion Brie and the Silicon Valley babe. Now that's a dream I hope to have soon.

[RyanWright 713]

 

#domdierkes

 

still getting extra credit for drunk posts?!

still listening, still love you all

cool cool alright. check it out

[chanson 9697]

 

#domdierkes

 

still getting extra credit for drunk posts?!

still listening, still love you all

cool cool alright. check it out

 

Points!