EPISODE 104.5 — Minisode 104.5

[BenjaminJarvis 13]

I just wasted two hours of my life watching this dumb movie. Obviously the twist ending is what makes this movie bonkers, but mostly it's just a really shitty B-grade romance movie. It's so emotionally manipulative, too. Barf. I hate this movie.

[LLJK 0]

I wouldn't want to see it again and I guess knowing that there was a twist made the twist pretty obvious, but Safe Haven isn't bad in the way most of the HDTGM movies are. I look forward to the gang's analysis of this one.

[BertramCooper 122]

It would be pretty freaking great if they got Cobie Smulders or Taran Killam as the guest for this ep.

[DiesOnAToilet 23]

I never actually heard Paul say the name of the movie, it's this one, right?

 

 

 

[jarrycanada 2483]

any of those movies will work, Larry Kleist -rapist

[Cameron H. 23786]

Bravo, Safe Haven, bravo!

 

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

just finished it and man is it long.

 

i was told there was a crazy twist so i expected some bonkers stuff worthy of a HDTGM episode but im not actually sure it is, how are they going to fill an hour with this thing? the twist is obvious (maybe, as mentioned before, because i was expecting a twist) and the rest of the movie was just a bog-standard sappy romantic movie..... or maybe im still on a Zardoz high and my crazy bar has been reset too high

[Kickpuncher 5012]

Yep, just watched it and came in to say exactly what seems to be the consensus. The twist is ridiculous and it's obviously not a good movie, but I don't really see what they can possibly say about it because there's nothing funny or weird or remarkably bad about the first 95% of it.

[robozebra 20]

That twist was so obvious (I guess both twists if you count the reveal about her husband as one) and this movie was so boring I have no idea what they're going to talk about for the entire episode. I was waiting for something really crazy based on what Paul said in the minisode, but when the reveal happened it was... exactly what I expected it to be. It's got some awful dialogue and, as everyone's been saying, a boring storyline, but everything else about it is fine, really. It's not great but it's far from the worst movie I've ever seen. If nothing else it was a very pretty movie (I mean that in terms of scenery and in terms of Josh Duhamel/Julianne Hough).

 

 

 

(also I might have teared up a little bit when the son was crying about missing his mom)

[WEdidITagain 458]

40 minutes in and had to write some of my thoughts

• the cop is the most devoted cop I ever seen, while at the same time the worst- also is he just randomly going to neighborhoods asking if they seen the suspect?
  
• the outfits in this movie are caca garbage and were done by Abercrombie & Fitch or American Eagle or some shit, short shorts and capris on deck.
  
• this movie is all seemingly meaningful glances from one character to the other that are honestly all meaningless
  
• Colbie shows up- first thought (because I am going in blind) is that she's an undercover cop.
  
• Do people just get houses if they sign up? How'd she get such a sweet deal?
  
• The little girl actress is genuinely spectacular, the little boy is a shithead.
  
• Josh Duhamel really wants to fuck this chick and is so obvious
  
• Second guess: Colbie is a ghost, she very ghost like walked behind some bushes and doesn't touch anything.
  
• Colbie is the GHOST OF THE MOM is my final guess because why else would Josh Duhamel not try to bone her. He seems to only want Katie cause everyone else in this sleepy town is geriatrics.
  
• The cop used like MS Paint to do that mock up of Katie with shorter and blonde hair
  
• Where do I know the police captain from? Sitcom dad?
  
• Beach day is weird to me, they known this woman for like a week.
  
• Yellow floors are hideous, arm touching and fake ass laughter- BARF.
  

Will write more at the end.

[Lando 2019]

While watching tie film, I became curious about where it was shot and supposed to take place so I looked up Southport, NC and guess where it is? I'll give you a hint, if you see Robert De Niro with "Love" and "Hate" tattooed on his fists GTFO. Actually, I kind of wish that the cop had those tattoos.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

While watching tie film, I became curious about where it was shot and supposed to take place so I looked up Southport, NC and guess where it is? I'll give you a hint, if you see Robert De Niro with "Love" and "Hate" tattooed on his fists GTFO. Actually, I kind of wish that the cop had those tattoos.

I kind of wish he was the reason why someone in that town is a ghost.

[Lukas Holmes 2287]

HAHAHA! This is amazing! I just watched it and I am sad to say I did NOT see the ending coming. That. Was. Next level bonkers. I guess I just wasn't paying enough attention (I was reading at the same time) and was blown away. I am assuming that happened in the book too? That's just amazing.

[Merkin Muffley 24]

This is one I won't even try and watch before the podcast. Don't care about the movie and I don't care if the podcast spoils the ending for me. The six or seven minutes I spent on IMDb reading about the movie was enough to convince me I have no interest in this film.

The good thing about the podcast is that it is always funny and enjoyable even if I don't have two shits to rub together for the movie they're discussing.

[MelissaBecker 79]

While watching tie film, I became curious about where it was shot and supposed to take place so I looked up Southport, NC and guess where it is? I'll give you a hint, if you see Robert De Niro with "Love" and "Hate" tattooed on his fists GTFO. Actually, I kind of wish that the cop had those tattoos.

 

They film a ton of stuff in Cape Fear. My grandparents lived up there and ended up being extras in a ton of stuff: Dawson's Creek, Matlock, and even the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie.

[RobWagner 2]

I have different opinion of what may have happened in this movie. It's obvious Katie is crazy since she spends most of this movie talking to the ghost of the wife of the dude she is banging. So what if all of this is random shit made up in her head? What if the cop isn't an abusive husband? What if he's just trying to find his batshit crazy wife before she has another episode? What if she just freaked out and stabbed him with no provocation the first time? What if there is no fire at the end? What if she was just hallucinating the fire and him hitting her? What if he was just trying to save his psychotic wife and she shoots him in the face? What if she just murdered an innocent man and then got away with it?

 

These questions have boggles my mind for the last 24 hours.

[WEdidITagain 458]

So I fell asleep watching last night and had to start over, I'm an hour 18 in and had more thoughts:

• The cop is just looking at random pictures from security cams?
  
• Colbie has two outfits, but one she wears only once. If she is the ghost that I think she is then why give her the power to wear different clothes if later she's not going to wear anything but that dumb dress and jean jacket combo?
  
• I never wanted to scream to a child "YOUR MOM IS DEAD" more than I do to the little boy.
  
• Little girl is so invested in her dad's love life, in fact most of the town is. Do these kids even go to school?
  
• No one cleaned up the crime scene? It has to have been weeks. The fuck? Food's still there, that's gross.
  
• Cop sleeps there, after getting drunk? What? Handwriting is such a weird clue- why did the cop single the old lady out?
  
• Cop is too busy to care about going through a metal detector- uhhhh
  
• People sure seem to care about this fireworks display, sure hope that gets a resolution!
  
• MS Paint picture catches Josh Duhamel's attention and he recognizes her?
  
• Calls her Erin and she turns around therefore proving she is a murderer? I turn around for anyone calling me anything.
  
• This was so written by a man, the woman is SO apologetic instead of telling her side of the story or even saying "hey im at fucking work."
  
• FLASHBACK AND THIS TWIST.
  
• Cop must have really thought he was going to make it big with this movie
  
• Not so much an alcoholic, but rageaholic. He never acts drunk just fucking FURIOUS.
  
• Also knowing that he was the victim and he didn't die, he sure is obsessed with this crime and no one says anything til later weeks after putting out the bulletin. Tax dollars at work. Knowing she didn't kill anyone why didn't Erin say anything? Maybe she thought she killed rage cop.
  
• Josh Duhamel's wife (which I'm pretty sure is Colbie) sure planned out her children's life. Daughter gets married, son graduates. Yep, there is no other plan. Like son getting married or daughter graduating, or maybe deciding to not get married. Weird.
  
• Speaking of Colbie, that was such a weird fight they had as she packs up.
  

Now for the last chunk, could this get anymore convoluted?

[NeilTaylor 7]

Ugh. I literally screamed at the TV when it dawned on my the Aunt Robin was a ghost.

 

Watching this movie was like watching my dog eat its own diarrhea then licking my kids face.

 

With the ghost mom "twist" this goes from boring movie about a guy boning a crazy lady to steaming pile of crap.

[NeilTaylor 7]

Who wants a letter from their dead ass mom every birthday? #buzzkill

[WEdidITagain 458]

FINALLY FINISHED, AND BOY OH BOY WHAT A BORING JOURNEY THIS WAS.

• Soundtrack is like knock off music played at Old Navy, shit is TERRIBLE.
  
• The constant use of the word happy makes me sick.
  
• Cop breaking into the old lady's house was hilarious, I seriously thought he was straight up going to kill the broad.
  
• Why did she even have to call her or the old lady not immediately delete the message? Some Deux Ex right there.
  
• Cop's water bottle scene and handing in his gun and badge was so weirdly hilarious to me. Again he never seems drunk just FULL of rage.
  
• Josh Duhamel immediately takes back what he says, chases her down and before she could explain her side of the story invites what he thinks is a wanted murderer back into his and his children's lives. Fuck youuuuu.
  
• EVERYTHING IS HAPPY HAPPY TIMES FOR ALL.
  
• If he was stabbed, he sure seemed to recover quickly because he was already chasing her by the beginning of the movie. Seemed to have suffered no recovery time at all, and his drink jut amplified- maybe to mask the pain?
  
• Also why did Erin have to escape? The cop is known to be an alcoholic, she could have called the police and said he was beating her, she stabbed him in self defense- there's enough proof on her side of the argument. Guess she didn't want to deal with the paperwork? [alt title for the movie]
  
• He sure found her super quickly, and also what a rude cop he is! Water bottle trick is still works, he's like so many of my old college friends. And will someone fix that dang door!
  
• Ghoslie Smolders is basically Erin's Spidey-Sense.
  
• He walks away only to return and set the place on fire? Why? did he think he'd get away?
  
• Where'd the gun come from? Also a classic hdtgm phrase happens- bitches get punched!
  
• Cop's dead, house burnt, stupid kid cries and resolves his anger issues with his dad- boring
  
• SO I guess they just buried that cop? I mean there is no resolution to that, but them fireworks went on for fucking EVER.
  
• Ghoslie Smolders WAS A GHOST, CALLED IT- YES! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAILED IT. I mean, it's fucking obvious.
  
• "I wish I was there with you" "you're the most important person in my life" whaaaat theeee fuuuuuuuuck. Who says shit like this?
  
• They ride a boat into the sun, everyone's an asshole. No lessons learned, the most boring group of white people on the planet.
  

This was a boring movie, but the ending did pick up. I hope that I found things to talk about- I was really trying to dissect some shit. I think this will be an enjoyable ep if they get the right guest- I can't wait to hear June's thought on the romance, Paul's little eye for detail, and Jason on that bonkers ending, and the reveal of Ghoslie Smolders.

[WEdidITagain 458]

The amazon reviews of this are fucking BONKERS.

[Bob Drillboids 181]

It's mom's place!

[Lando 2019]

Soundtrack is like knock off music played at Old Navy, shit is TERRIBLE.

I noticed that one of the songs was by The White Buffalo whose songs were also heavily featured in Sons of Anarchy. So he covers ground from Nicholas Sparks romance to murderous biker gang whose leader's body count makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like an amateur. How's that for range?

[Lando 2019]

Since the cat is out of the bag...

 

[Doctor Picklejuice 5]

The worst part of the movie isn't the twist. It's when the woman who's making a fresh start buys a can of "Fresh Start" primer.

 

And then when Josh Duhamel is driving her home, the can of Fresh Start snuggles up to the other can.

 

I hereby declare symbolism dead.