Episode 86 — Ross Mathews, Our Close Friend

[LesJizzerables 54]

warm birthday wishes fresh from papa's oven to joe mcgurl

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Nice birthday Joe. Today I mean. You picked a nice day, today, to have be your birthday. That's thinking ahead! Also, many happy returns of the day, by which I mean that I hope you live long enough for it to be your birthday again, many more times. Or, more generally, whether you live or not, I hope that the universe continues to exist and that our planet keeps revolving around the sun long enough for today to return a bunch more times. It would be better if you are alive for it, sure, but if the universe continues to exist that's probably enough to ask for. Don't be selfish, think about the rest of us, Joe!

[SteveH 11126]

Happy #28 birthday to the #1 handsome boy.

 

(im just guessing on the age. Feel free to correct me and ill edit this post for accuracy.)

[Witty Llama 283]

Happy birthday, Joe! You picked a good day to escape from the stork's beak bundle: Nestled sweetly between May the Fourth and Independence Day.

 

I'll never forget the moment we officially met, when you told me "Great first post." Feels like just two days ago...

[JMonsterface 1974]

In honor of our great hero Joe "Cup of" McGurl, I'd like to quote a famous June 4th speech by another great hero, Winston Churchill (Andrew, you'll probably like this).

 

"We shall go on to the forum. We shall wish Joe a happy birthday in France, we shall wish Joe a happy birthday on the seas and oceans, we shall wish Joe a happy birthday with growing confidence and growing strength in his handsomeness, we shall wish a happy birthday to our handsome boy, whatever the cost may be. We shall wish Joe a happy birthday on the beaches, we shall wish Joe a happy birthday on the landing grounds, we shall wish Joe a happy birthday in the fields and in the streets, we shall wish Joe a happy birthday in the hills; we shall never be handsomer..."

 

Happy Birthday Joe, you earned it!

 

ps- Sorry everyone I sprained my liking finger so ill be out of commission for a little bit. That said I've really -er -been enjoying everybody's posts, especially yours, all of my closest friends.

[Jakal 4475]

I was literally writing out a comment about how I noticed a lack of likes on everyone's posts, and that we should probably send out a search party for JMonsterface, then you just show up and post a minute before me.

[thejjar 5031]

Hey guys, I lost my job last week. That's why I haven't been present. Hope noone's worried. I'll be back in full force soon

[thejjar 5031]

Also happy birthday Joe. #teamMcGurl

[LydonBergin 420]

Fuck you, Joe.

 

#teamtreese

[Scooter McGnarly 382]

Hey Joe McGurl. Have a happy birthday. I referenced a Jimi Hendrix song just now because I thought it would be cool. It's probably not. Regardless, I hope you're knee deep in party juice (alcoholic or otherwise) all night. On this the night of your birthday.

[souprman 10477]

Back when I lived in Minnesota Jesse Ventura declared today Joe McGurl Day. The weird thing is he wasn't even Governor at the time. No one wanted to argue with Jesse though so we went with it. Now it's the biggest bash of the year, it makes 4th of July look like Arbor Day. I of course travel back every June to celebrate with my Northern Kinsfolk. The best part is the next morning, just before the sun comes up. Walking though the deserted streets littered with spent fireworks and #1 Handsome Boy paraphernalia. Sorry, getting a little choked up with nostalgia. Shit, I gotta run the fireworks are about to start. The last thing I'll say is - for me, Joe McGurl Day has always and will always be the true official beginning of summer. Rock on Joe.

[greggy 15909]

happy birthday joe, got it in right under the wire

[greggy 15909]

[so, we are finally here at the historic 100th Survivor Season Finale. And what a Season it has been with lots of back-stabbing, ultra-alliances, violent family visits and gross-out medvacs. Last week saw our favourite villian Kass voted out to leave a final 3 of Noel Gallagher, Chris Martin from Coldplay and fan fave Joe McGurl. We now join our ever youthful dear leader President Jeff Probst, as he welcomes the audience and viewers at home.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jeff Probst: "Welcome everyone, both live in-studio and at home on your ShowFace devices, to the Season Finale of Survivor: Second Chansons, the most popular show in the World."

 

The crowd goes wild.

 

Jeff P: "Joining me here are my co-hosts Sean and Hayes from Hollywood Handbook, the Podcast, Movie and Video Game"

 

Hayes: "Welcome to Survivor Finale an insiders guide to the lined-up castaways of this season we call Second Chansons"

Sean "Whatup, whatup"

 

The crowd goes wild.

 

Jeffy P: “Now, Sean and Hayes, before we get to the votes, who do you think is going to win this Season and be named the castaway that Outwitted, OutSmarted, Outfunnied and OutCooled ?”

 

Sean: “Well Probsty, this has been a great Season. We saw ol’ Noel makes some real hard moves to get to the final 3, and Chris Martin from Coldplay made some great social moves in the game, but Joe McGurl has really been on a winning streak -- he won every Immunity Challenge and really controlled the game. So, I would have to give it to McGurl for the win.”

 

Hayes nods his head in agreement and The crowd goes Wild.

Probsty: "Okay, I have to say I one hundred percent agree with you Sean and looks like everyone here does too. Okay let’s get to it, the vote count !

 

Jeffrey P climbs into a hot-air balloon and balloons across the stage. He jumps out of the balloon, pulls on a pair of rollerskates and skates over to where the final 3 sit.

 

Probst: “Before I read the votes, I have a couple of questions for our final 3.”

 

The crowd goes mildly groany

 

JP: “Noel, at the family visit, your brother Liam came on which we all remember”

 

A clip plays of Noel and Liam happily reuniting and hugging for 5 seconds before Noel starts punching Liam in the face yelling “fuck you, pretty boy”.

 

The crowd goes completely Wild and a fight breaks out between two guys in the front row. Jeff straps on his rocket back-pack, flies over to where the fight is and handily smacks down the two dudes until security takes them out. Jeff jet-packs back to the stage.

 

Probst: “Noel, how are things with your brother now?”

Noel G: “That f*****g cunt can s**k my d***k”

Probst” “Okay, now, onto you Chris Martin. Everyone here remembers what happened at the food auction right?”

 

The audience cheers and laughs simultaneously.

 

A clips plays of Trader Jeff’s when Chris Martin of Coldplay bid all of his money on a covered item which was revealed to be some kind of Goop.

 

Jeff: “Chris, you have bid your money on some kind of Goop. If you eat this, the whole tribe will get a bag of beans to take back to camp”

CMoC: “What’s innit ?”

Jeff: “I can’t reveal that until after you’ve eaten it …. all of it”

Chris looks around at the rest of the tribe who are pleading with him to just eat it already. Joe McGurl comes up, puts a hand on CM’s shoulder and says “we’re here for you Chris, you can do this”

 

After CM finishes the last of the Goop, Jeff hands him a bag of beans to take back to camp.

 

Jeff: “How was it?” he asks Chris

CMoC: “Salty and kind of Goopy”

Jeff: “Well, you just ate mushed-up paper copies of all of your ex-wives blog posts about cleanses. Also, I pissed on them”

The clip ends with Chris puking and Joe McGurl rubbing his back.

 

Back in studio, the camera cuts to Gwyneth and Jennifer Lawrence sitting awkwardly next to each other in the audience.

 

The crowd is really enjoying that.

 

Jeff: “And finally, our last member of the Final 3, Joe McGurl.”

 

The camera cuts to Malcolm and “No-Collar” Joe waving “#1 Handsome Boy” signs

The crowd goes wild.

 

Jeff: “Now, McGurl, you played a pretty flawless game. How did you do it ?”

Joe: “Well, I made some great alliances, found a bunch of immunity idols, won a tonne of challenges and never had my name written down once Jeff”

Jeff: “And, after you won the last immunity challenge, you really could have taken anyone to the final with you, yet you didn’t bring a goat such as Kass.”

Joe: “Well Jeff, Noel and Chris were my alliance from the start and I wanted to honor that. At the end of the day, Jeff, I just knew that I had Outwitted and Outhandsomed these guys.”

The crowd cheers. Someone from the audience shouts out “We love you Joe”.

Jeff: “Okay, let’s read the votes !”

 

Jeff climbs into a canoe and paddles down the makeshift white-water rapids that had been built in the studio to another separate stage. At the end of the river Jeff does a quick canoe roll for the audience and climbs out of the canoe, soaking wet.

 

Jeff starts to read out the votes: “Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe …”

 

With each Joe the crowd cheers.

 

Jeff: “And the Winner of Survivor: Second Chansons is Joe McGurl”

 

Noel and Chris Martin from Coldplay shake Joe’s hand and Sean and Hayes high-five each other.

 

The audience goes to watch Wild, the Reese Witherspoon movie.

 

The End.

by Dalton Ross Matthews, Entertainment Monthly.

 

Happy birthday Joe !

lol

[FunandNiceandCoolandGood 6]

Happy birthday #1 handsome boy! Next year you can become a #1 handsome man!

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

You're being good people right now. Good job, people.

[Sillylillyquee 1015]

Joe,

 

Despite it being not you birthday anymore, I sincerely want to wish you the happiest of b-days. Your comment 'Great first post.' really inspired me to keep posting. You are an institution to this forum and I love you for that. Thanks Joe, and happy birthday!!

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

I accidentally posted the same thing twice, so I'm editing this post into a cool ass hip hop song bout this podcast.

 

Sean and Hayes are cool ass dudes

They aren't even very rude

Unless you're an engineer

You don't got nothing to fear

These rad ass bros don't bite

 

{Ooh, what up, ooh red carpet}

 

Educating fools is their one true quest

And they'll bring along the coolests guests

Like Matt Gourley.

And some girlies.

Because Sean and Hayes respect both genders. Yea!

 

Chorus:

Ooh what up, walk the red carpet.

Ooh yea yea, loving the showbiz.

Ooh what up, rock the red carpet.

Ooh yea yea, party tonight!!!

 

(Saxophone solo)

Fade the fuck out.

[chanson 9697]

It's still the handsomest day of the year here. Still an hour and a half left.

[chanson 9697]

 

And some girlies.

Because Sean and Hayes respect both genders. Yea!

 

 

I have some opinions on this...

[Toro y Moist 695]

It's still the handsomest day of the year here. Still an hour and a half left.

One of the many privileges of living on the West Coast.

[Andy Dick Cheney 3779]

I genuinely dreamt last night that I had a post that had 50 LIKES. Don't know how it fit in to the rest of my dream.

 

I think it may be time to take a sabbatical and embark on a journey of self discovery.

 

Nah

[mwn 5470]

today is like Boxing Day, after yesterday's festivities I'm not sure what to do with myself. throw out the tree I bought to celebrate JMcG's bday? idk

[Bozos of Basketball 3689]

I bet Sean is stewing right now. First Hayes gets a vid for his birthday. Now Joe, "A LISTENER," gets like three pages worth of posts. We better do something real nice for Mr. Clements or he is going to have our heads because as we all know last year he got jack fuckin' shit.

[Joe McGurl 8358]

Great birthday posts everyone!

 

You really know how to make a handsome boy feel special. If I had to pick a favorite post, it would probably be all of them.

 

But it would actually be Marshall Mellow's because she combined my loves of Survivor, Noel Gallagher, Sean and Hayes, Chris Martin, Jeff Probst doing crazy things and making fun of Goop. So the Dream Team jacket and a high ranking position in #TeamMcGurl goes to Marshall Mellow. Wow, what a ride.

 

Everyone else got automatically entered into #TeamMcGurl by posting yesterday. Even that yokel, Lydon. Our numbers are ever bolstered and we march forward unto victory. Congrats, all.

[watchayakan 1021]

[so, we are finally here at the historic 100th Survivor Season Finale. And what a Season it has been with lots of back-stabbing, ultra-alliances, violent family visits and gross-out medvacs. Last week saw our favourite villian Kass voted out to leave a final 3 of Noel Gallagher, Chris Martin from Coldplay and fan fave Joe McGurl. We now join our ever youthful dear leader President Jeff Probst, as he welcomes the audience and viewers at home.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jeff Probst: "Welcome everyone, both live in-studio and at home on your ShowFace devices, to the Season Finale of Survivor: Second Chansons, the most popular show in the World."

 

The crowd goes wild.

 

Jeff P: "Joining me here are my co-hosts Sean and Hayes from Hollywood Handbook, the Podcast, Movie and Video Game"

 

Hayes: "Welcome to Survivor Finale an insiders guide to the lined-up castaways of this season we call Second Chansons"

Sean "Whatup, whatup"

 

The crowd goes wild.

 

Jeffy P: “Now, Sean and Hayes, before we get to the votes, who do you think is going to win this Season and be named the castaway that Outwitted, OutSmarted, Outfunnied and OutCooled ?”

 

Sean: “Well Probsty, this has been a great Season. We saw ol’ Noel makes some real hard moves to get to the final 3, and Chris Martin from Coldplay made some great social moves in the game, but Joe McGurl has really been on a winning streak -- he won every Immunity Challenge and really controlled the game. So, I would have to give it to McGurl for the win.”

 

Hayes nods his head in agreement and The crowd goes Wild.

Probsty: "Okay, I have to say I one hundred percent agree with you Sean and looks like everyone here does too. Okay let’s get to it, the vote count !

 

Jeffrey P climbs into a hot-air balloon and balloons across the stage. He jumps out of the balloon, pulls on a pair of rollerskates and skates over to where the final 3 sit.

 

Probst: “Before I read the votes, I have a couple of questions for our final 3.”

 

The crowd goes mildly groany

 

JP: “Noel, at the family visit, your brother Liam came on which we all remember”

 

A clip plays of Noel and Liam happily reuniting and hugging for 5 seconds before Noel starts punching Liam in the face yelling “fuck you, pretty boy”.

 

The crowd goes completely Wild and a fight breaks out between two guys in the front row. Jeff straps on his rocket back-pack, flies over to where the fight is and handily smacks down the two dudes until security takes them out. Jeff jet-packs back to the stage.

 

Probst: “Noel, how are things with your brother now?”

Noel G: “That f*****g cunt can s**k my d***k”

Probst” “Okay, now, onto you Chris Martin. Everyone here remembers what happened at the food auction right?”

 

The audience cheers and laughs simultaneously.

 

A clips plays of Trader Jeff’s when Chris Martin of Coldplay bid all of his money on a covered item which was revealed to be some kind of Goop.

 

Jeff: “Chris, you have bid your money on some kind of Goop. If you eat this, the whole tribe will get a bag of beans to take back to camp”

CMoC: “What’s innit ?”

Jeff: “I can’t reveal that until after you’ve eaten it …. all of it”

Chris looks around at the rest of the tribe who are pleading with him to just eat it already. Joe McGurl comes up, puts a hand on CM’s shoulder and says “we’re here for you Chris, you can do this”

 

After CM finishes the last of the Goop, Jeff hands him a bag of beans to take back to camp.

 

Jeff: “How was it?” he asks Chris

CMoC: “Salty and kind of Goopy”

Jeff: “Well, you just ate mushed-up paper copies of all of your ex-wives blog posts about cleanses. Also, I pissed on them”

The clip ends with Chris puking and Joe McGurl rubbing his back.

 

Back in studio, the camera cuts to Gwyneth and Jennifer Lawrence sitting awkwardly next to each other in the audience.

 

The crowd is really enjoying that.

 

Jeff: “And finally, our last member of the Final 3, Joe McGurl.”

 

The camera cuts to Malcolm and “No-Collar” Joe waving “#1 Handsome Boy” signs

The crowd goes wild.

 

Jeff: “Now, McGurl, you played a pretty flawless game. How did you do it ?”

Joe: “Well, I made some great alliances, found a bunch of immunity idols, won a tonne of challenges and never had my name written down once Jeff”

Jeff: “And, after you won the last immunity challenge, you really could have taken anyone to the final with you, yet you didn’t bring a goat such as Kass.”

Joe: “Well Jeff, Noel and Chris were my alliance from the start and I wanted to honor that. At the end of the day, Jeff, I just knew that I had Outwitted and Outhandsomed these guys.”

The crowd cheers. Someone from the audience shouts out “We love you Joe”.

Jeff: “Okay, let’s read the votes !”

 

Jeff climbs into a canoe and paddles down the makeshift white-water rapids that had been built in the studio to another separate stage. At the end of the river Jeff does a quick canoe roll for the audience and climbs out of the canoe, soaking wet.

 

Jeff starts to read out the votes: “Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe …”

 

With each Joe the crowd cheers.

 

Jeff: “And the Winner of Survivor: Second Chansons is Joe McGurl”

 

Noel and Chris Martin from Coldplay shake Joe’s hand and Sean and Hayes high-five each other.

 

The audience goes to watch Wild, the Reese Witherspoon movie.

 

The End.

by Dalton Ross Matthews, Entertainment Monthly.

 

Happy birthday Joe !

Lol

 

No seriously, I LOVED this.