Episode 96 — Tom Scharpling Again, Our Close Friend

[rod aug 5637]

damn it really is Year of the Staz

 

can't wait to see her on @midnight!

[ShortFatCock 125]

Do you ever go back to RSS just to hear Sean use that authentic tone of voice? Like when he says, "I love it," or, "I think it's great." That's a good tone of voice and it makes me happy to know that he genuinely loves it or thinks it's great.

 

Do you think he'll ever use that tone of voice again? I hope so.

[greggy 15909]

i like that aspect of RSS a lot, yes

[SteveH 11126]

It was weird listening to RSS after I started listening to HH. I think in the first ep of RSS Sean tells that story about how the office where the write workaholics shared a parking lot with a target and he found all those stray cats and was telling people to go rescue That was strange to hear.

[Silvrwoman 4998]

Instead of the fantasy football thing, can we all just pitch in and buy an actual sportz team? What's the coolest one?

[skizelo 2536]

An episode of HH should have a secret bonus track (hidden after 10 minutes of Earwolf-ads) where Sean talks about the various cats he's seen in his most sincere voice.

This was a very good epi,

[mikebonetti 3718]

I had a dream where I was reading the forum for episode 100. I don't remember any other details, but I think that definitely means I can see the future.

 

EDIT: I'm sure we were all very funny. And remember to dream big everyone!

[TheBlackSpank 137]

Scharpling might be my new favorite guest. He definitely seems like a legitimately big fan of what the guys are doing. Too bad he's on the East coast. I don't know how often they'd be able to get him back in studio, but at least we got two great episodes out of him.

[Ensendada Slim 480]

Do you ever go back to RSS just to hear Sean use that authentic tone of voice? Like when he says, "I love it," or, "I think it's great." That's a good tone of voice and it makes me happy to know that he genuinely loves it or thinks it's great.

 

Do you think he'll ever use that tone of voice again? I hope so.

 

Most people never recover from severe irony poisoning

[KyleSeibel 132]

I said Hayes was handsome on Reddit and someone down voted me, so does everyone want to find who it was and get him?

[skizelo 2536]

I said Hayes was handsome on Reddit and someone down voted me, so does everyone want to find who it was and get him?

 

Maybe they weren't downvoting because they don't think Hayes is handsome (which would be majorly fucked-up) but because they think Hayes shouldn't be objectified... thoughts?

[Shrek & Donkey Kong 4336]

ooh I'm gonna kill in this fantasy league, watch out nerds!

[chanson 9697]

There was a cartoon called Two Stupid Dogs just in case anyone forgot.

 

Chanson out.

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Chanson, you're thinking of "Two Broke Girls." And it isn't even a cartoon. Not sure how you could make that mistake, to be honest.

[SteveH 11126]

ooh I'm gonna kill in this fantasy league, watch out nerds!

 

not to be a Judge Thredd or anything, but maybe we should keep the fantasy league talk to the fantasy league forum. I don't want to make people upset with me (again).

 

Let's keep the episode thread for its' intended purpose: talking about the episode,past episodes, episodes of different podcasts, plugging our own podcasts,pictures of our pets and family members, dreams and dream analysis, rap music, tv shows/movies, creative writing, GIFs and photoshops, birthday videos, fashion advice/tips, t-shirts,erotic fiction, mundane details about our daily lives, free-style rapping, not posting, and lots of pun-based humor.

 

OK?

Edited August 13, 2015 by SteveH

[xoValeriexo 4369]

Jessica is sitting on a stool all alone in a crowded bar. She looks very pretty and sad. She has on white high heeled boots, a psychedelic miniskirt with neon green nylons, a matching tube top, and her hair is up in a bun held in place by a metallic scrunchie. She wishes this cute guy at the corner booth would approach her, but he doesn’t even seem to notice her. An old friend walks up and asks Jessica if she wants to come join him at a booth where he’s meeting his buddy. Could it be? Yes. She hopes she can sit next to the mysterious stranger, but her friend sits between them. As she is introduced, she looks down, then back up with doe eyes. This guy is like wow, she’s pretty. The sexual tension between them is intense. All she wants is to be closer to him, but her goddamn friend is in the way. She excuses herself to use the restroom. There is a long line. Oh goodie. But then the stranger, whom she now knew was named Matt, comes over there. He has to squeeze past her to get to the men’s restroom. As he is pressed up against her he briefly pauses before continuing on so she can feel his dick on her body a little bit. Oh wow, she thinks. She touches herself in the stall, unafraid of losing any of the desire she has overflowing for this stranger named Matt.

 

Upon exiting the bathroom he approaches her and says “Let’s get out of here.” They climb out a window and end up in an alley behind a Burger King. They make their way toward the playground. They ignore the french fry teeter totter and the chicken nugget tire swing, they both know exactly where they want to go. She shimmies backward up the ladder leading to the elevated hamburger hideout. He places his left knee on the latter and his foot on the ground. He puts one hand on her back and the other on her leg. No, not the way you’re picturing. Switch the hands so they’re crossed. There you go. He thrusts his penis inside her and she jerks upward at the force. Her back hits the bars behind her and her head hits the sesame seed bun. He continues to tear her asunder as she moans in agony. She can feel he is too big for her small, tight hole. He can barely fit and he is really giving it to her. She lays back as far as she can to change the angle. It helps slightly. Matt puts his face in Jessica’s boobs and his hands on her waist and his legs on her back. Her toes curl in pure ecstasy.

 

They go back to Matt’s place to continue their night of passion. When he kisses her she feels butterflies in her stomach. He reminds her of a different side of herself that she’d forgotten about. She even feels like she looks different when she is with him. Prettier. She can feel his desire for her when they kiss. His heavy, hot breath and the way he closes his eyes make her feel like all he has on his mind is her lips and how well they fit together with his. She thinks about his lips too, but is preoccupied with wondering how he is feeling and whether or not he has a boner yet. Probably, right? I mean, I would think. She takes his hand and puts it under her shirt. She places it on her bra because she thinks it might remind him of feeling up his high school girlfriend, bravely reaching his hand under her bra to touch her nipples while her underwire restricts his movement. She takes his other hand and puts it up her dress, into her stockings, and in her underwear. More complicated than the bra move, but also much more rewarding. He begins grabbing at her pussy like a Scooby Snack that he just has to have. He flits around her vagina and sticks two fingers inside her. Wow, he is not good at this, she thinks. Like he literally has no idea what he’s doing. She pulls his hand out from inside her and licks his fingers clean. She regrets that decision immediately. Luckily Matt seems to think it’s really hot. But then later he will think back on that moment and think it was kind of yucky.

 

He removes her panties and puts his head in between her legs. He begins moving his face around her thigh like they do in softcore porn. She moves his head toward her vagina, but he then goes upward to gnaw on her belly button. She pushes his head down again and he finally understands. Her glistening mound quivers as he tumps over her clit with his tongue. He can still taste the salty truffle chips he ate for lunch on his tongue and he hopes she enjoys the texture. Those are really the best flavor of the new batch of Lays, but even they’re not that great. Her squishy, bruised vagina lips ache under his pressure. He sucks her clit until it is swollen and discolored and she yearns for more of his hefty, girthy tongue. He penetrates her and her gravy fills his mouth. He gargles and spits it back in. Habit.

 

She needs his pork sword. Now. “You like that?” he asks her. “Yes, god, yes.” “Want more? Want me to give it to you?” She moans and pulls him closer to her. She wants to show him her appreciation, but then he says “You want my big cock in you, bad girl?” She stifles her laughter and says a quick “Yeah.” “Ooh, you’re bad. You know what happens to bad girls, don’t you?” “Huh?” “They get punished.” She kisses him passionately so he will shut the fuck up.

 

His member is tall and imposing like Michael Clark Duncan. It commands respect, like Michael Clark Duncan’s ex Omarosa, who may or may not have been partially responsible for his death. Jessica imagines the veins on his penis are like a spiral staircase leading up to the top of a beautiful ivory tower. But the veins really do not form a spiral. Like one will start spiraling, then it will branch off or just disappear into nothingness. Completely nonsensical design, impossible to find a pattern. She looks to his balls, but they look like those things people hang on the back of their trucks. Wait a minute, are those…Ew, why? She tries to focus on another aspect of his penis but she keeps finding herself distracted by his tuft of pubic hair. It’s normal, everyone has some, but it’s still kind of unappealing. A bunch of fur around your stinky parts? “Stop thinking about it!” she pleads with herself. She moves on to the tip of the penis. It looks upset, inflamed, and a bit like a hat. I’m gonna make you spew, she thinks while biting her lip in anticipation. Shit, ow. She accidentally bit her cheek too. She broke the skin. Great, if he has AIDS, now I’m gonna get it too.

 

She pulls Matt into her mouth and he tastes just as she imagined he would. Really, really good. Like a cinnamon-flavored gummy bear coated in sugar. She sucks his dick like it was a Tootsie Pop and she was in a competition where you win a prize if you reach the center first. The prize for her tonight would be a mouthful of his sticky icky ooh wee. She seems to be doing a great job at bringing him oral pleasure, but she is really in her head while blowing him. “This is so great. I love this,” she thinks. “This is one of my favorite things I’ve ever done.” And she means it. She really, really likes this.

 

After she finishes and she wipes up, they start to kiss again. He starts to get rough with her and she gets rough back. It is surprising to see him this way because he isn’t an intimidating man. He isn’t dangerous, he’s like a dad. But not like her dad, he is dangerous. The rough sexplay continues but neither of them seem to really enjoy it. I think he is under the impression that she’s into it and vice versa. A funny misunderstanding, really. He pulls her hair and she pretends to enjoy it. She smiles like you do when you’re about to get sick on the Tilt o’ Whirl but you don’t want your friends to know. But he keeps pulling, so she says firmly “Fucking stop. I don’t like that.” He stops immediately and apologizes. She can see the hurt in his eyes, which only makes her feel worse but she doesn’t know what to do except to keep talking. “That really doesn’t feel good. It’s like you’re trying to control me.” “I’m really sorry.” “Fine, but you need to not do stuff like that anymore. Ask first.” They both take a breath and sit in silence for a while. “Is it okay if I touch your butt?” “Don’t ask me that, it’s annoying. Yes, it’s okay, just don’t fucking pull my hair again.” “Okay, okay…” He sits quietly with his head down. He looks weak to her now, less attractive. Has his nose always been that big? And were his eyes always this close together? Why is his neck so wide? But then she notices his car keys sitting on the table and she remembers that he has a really great job. He also really seems to care for his family if the photos of them placed thoughtfully around his apartment are any indication. Pretty sexy, if you ask me. She climbs on top of him and forces him to forgive her for how cruel she was earlier. They switch to a different position and her head hits the pillow, but when it does she’s startled awake. She sits up and hears a man’s voice say “Jill, honey, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?” She turns to see Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor lying next to her reading Hot Rod magazine. She looks at her winkled hands and begins to panic. She is then startled awake again and she is in bed with Barack Obama this time. “Michelle, sweetie, are you okay?” She looks at her toned arms and sensible pajamas and is less panicked but still not really into this whole body swap thing. She is startled awake once more and she is still fucking Matt. So it’s all good.

[xoValeriexo 4369]

I am so sorry.

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Can we get that on a t-shirt?

[devscoots 2561]

Val, that's an actual work of art.

[nohorseman 5423]

just when I thought my Tazz crotch bit was defining the thread

[Ensendada Slim 480]

Elevated hamburger hideout

[JacobCrites 4977]

That was probably the best thing I've ever read

[mwn 5470]

Her glistening mound quivers as he tumps over her clit with his tongue.

[nohorseman 5423]

FEI (for everyone's info{information}) Engineer Brett is ridin' Tim / Andy / Greggy's wave of popularity over on /r/earwolf w/(with) an AMA (ask me anything)

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Anybody have any questions for Rick Moranis? #JeffsPCG