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JulyDiaz

Episode 138 - The Boy Next Door (w/ Heather Anne Campbell, Ben Siemon)

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During the episode, they floated the idea of someone writing their own IMDb bio. I can't remember if this has been covered on the show before, but Jeffrey Wright's IMDb (auto)biography is on par with the most insane Second Opinions. It begins:

 

Quite possibly the most underrated and underexposed actor of his caliber and generation, Jeffrey Wright's undeniable talent and ability to successfully bring to life any role he undertakes is on a par with the most praised and revered A-list actors in the business.

The full text is too long for a 619-PAUL-ASS message, but a dramatic reading by Paul would be excellent minisode fodder.

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They touched on it super quick but my biggest problem with this movie is that it is so focused on "Fuck yeah, ladies getting it for themselves!" that it forgets that women can't get what they what, and if they do, they're punished.

 

John Corbett fucks around and he's almost in a car accident, which doesn't have anything to do with his affair. It has to do with TBND seeing him staying over at his own fucking house with his wife and child.

 

J.Lo, on the other hand, scores a young guy who worships the ground she walks on, gets hers and as soon as she stops it, her life spirals into chaos. She almost loses her husband and son in the aforementioned car accident and she does lose her best friend to TBND.

 

Basically this movie is the Bizzaro world version of How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

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During the episode, they floated the idea of someone writing their own IMDb bio. I can't remember if this has been covered on the show before, but Jeffrey Wright's IMDb (auto)biography is on par with the most insane Second Opinions. It begins:

 

 

The full text is too long for a 619-PAUL-ASS message, but a dramatic reading by Paul would be excellent minisode fodder.

 

 

If he wrote it himself he also wrote the bio for Chloë Sevigny

 

http://www.imdb.com/search/name?bio_author=hconrad&view=simple&sort=alpha

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i found it at amazon.com

 

2j3nsp3.jpg

 

 

Close, but the one in the film was green and gold

tumblr_o8kn6xax1q1re0j75o1_540.jpg

 

The design is basically identical despite the color differences. weird.

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That is, essentially, my point. Combined with the fact that movies so rarely focus on female pleasure, the one time it does is because the guy is crazy. Of course, she never really consents, either, so that's in line with standard Hollywood depictions of sex.

 

I see what you mean, though: Consider "all about her pleasure" more of a figure of speech. The character is obviously only concerned with himself. I was really more focused on the message sent by the film makers and what they were depicting with that scene.

That is very true. I did re-read your post and saw your point much clearer that time. Sex in Hollywood is always skewed towards the male gaze and therefore is typically never about the woman's pleasure.

 

I think the main point I was trying to say is that I was wondering why they (the gang and the filmmakers) were so focused on "look at him giving her pleasure!" when that doesn't even necessarily equal a healthy sexual relationship.

 

It just feels like another point in the plot they could have delved into, but instead didn't. Was Noah the best sex she had had in years? Did she ever consider doing it again? If they tried so hard to make his age a non-factor why did they even have to get her to protest so many times before hand?

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Sex in Hollywood is always skewed towards he male gaze and therefore is typically never about the woman's pleasure.

Well, we all know that's because only unclean harlots actually enjoy sex.

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I would like to talk a little bit more about Claire's sobriety in the movie--specifically as it relates to her decision to have sex with Noah.

 

Although the movie makes an attempt to indicate otherwise, I find it really hard to believe that she was so drunk in that moment and that she didn't know what she was doing. The scene starts with her in her house drinking some wine, we don't really know how much she's drunk, but she's holding the bottle so I think it's safe to assume she's drank less than one bottle. Next, Noah calls her on the phone because he's having chicken related issues.* So, she comes over, cooks an entire chicken (which takes some time), and then eats it with him! Based on the fact that her starting sobriety was at a level that she was able to do that, plus the time it would take to cook and eat, I don't understand how she can wake up the next morning with a "what happened last night?" look on her face. I think it was just another way for this movie to justify her decisions, but ends up just looking dumb. She's an adult woman, currently separated from her husband who engages in consensual sex with another adult. Why does movie feel the need to keep making excuses for her? Although I knew the movie would eventually go sideways, there's no reason for her not to hook up with a sexy younger guy. The movie doesn't need to apologize for her actions!

 

ETA: Just in case what I wrote gets misunderstood, I'm not saying another person can always judge how drunk someone may or may not be. I'm just saying this movie seemed to be trying to play it both ways. If they wanted her to be drunk in the moment, then they needed to show that and make it clear through acting and storytelling. And if they wanted to show her making this decision sober, then that should have been clear as well.

 

*How did he even get her cell number? Was he like, "Yo, Kevin--let me get your mom's digits?" Also, he calls her because he tried "defrosting" a chicken, but half of it is still frozen and he wants to know if he can eat the defrosted parts. Look, I get this is just a ruse to get her to come over, but seriously, the answer is unequivocally "no!" You just defrosted the chicken, dude. You still have to cook it! This should have definitely been a red flag to Claire that this "kid" wasn't all there.

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Although the movie makes an attempt to indicate otherwise, I find it really hard to believe that she was so drunk in that moment that she didn't know what she was doing. The scene starts with her in her house drinking some wine, we don't really know how much she's drunk of it, but she's holding the bottle so I think it's safe to assume she's drank less than one bottle. Next, Noah calls her on the phone because he's having chicken related issues.* So, she comes over, cooks an entire chicken (which takes some time), and then eats it with him! Based on the fact that her starting sobriety was at a level that she was able to do that, plus the time it would take to cook and eat, I don't understand how she can wake up the next morning with a "what happened last night?" look on her face. I think it was just another way for this movie to justify her decisions, but ends up just looking dumb. She's an adult woman, currently separated from her husband who engages in consensual sex with another adult. Why does movie feel the need to keep making excuses for her? Although I knew the movie would eventually go sideways, there's no reason for her not to hook up with a sexy younger guy. The movie doesn't need to apologize for her actions!

 

She had a glass of white wine in front of her at dinner in Chinatown, but I doubt she drank much of that before she walked out. They were still on soups! When she gets home, we see her with a bottle of wine, yes, but as she's walking towards the couch, you can tell she takes off her shoes. This leads me to believe that she had just grabbed the bottle and was about to start drinking, but IIRC, she got distracted by the scent of cookies and then the chicken call. At TBND's house, they are both seen drinking water. JLo was not drunk. Unless TBND Cosby'ed the chicken?

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I would like to talk a little bit more about Claire's sobriety in the movie

 

speaking of drinking .. the scene where we see garrett pull upto claires place and we see garrett and claire come in the door we kinda get to hear garrett crack one of those stupid jokes ... this is the punchline ..

 

293d2bn.jpg

 

i dont want to know the start of the joke .. but anyway. after they come in they end up kissing but she pushes him away saying shes not ready blah blah blah and he agrees to slow things down but instead of leaving he wipes some sweat off his forehead and says "i think ive had one too many". claire giggles and garrett asks "can i crash on the couch?"

 

maybe its an in-joke between them or something but if he's too drunk to drive home to his own place then surely he was too drunk to drive to claires house with claire in the passenger seat? ... not only is he putting their lives at risk but also every other poor sod that happened to be in their path ... and she laughed about it? ... everyone in this movie is an asshole!

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speaking of drinking .. the scene where we see garrett pull upto claires place and then we see garrett and claire come in the door when we kinda hear garrett crack one of those stupid jokes ... this is the punchline ..

 

293d2bn.jpg

 

i dont want to know the start of the joke .. but anyway. after they come in they end up kissing but she pushes him away saying shes not ready blah blah blah and he agrees to slow things down but instead of leaving he wipes some sweat off his forehead and says "i think ive had one too many". claire giggles and garrett asks "can i crash on the couch?"

 

maybe its an in-joke between them or something but if he's too drunk to drive home to his own place then surely he was too drunk to drive to claires house with claire in the passenger seat? ... not only is he putting their lives at risk but also every other poor sod that happened to be in their path ... and she laughed about it? ... everyone in this movie is an asshole!

 

You beat me to it! I was 100% going to bring that up!

 

Also, if you can pull up the "dead dog" joke as well, I was going to suggest a forum game where we try to fill in what could have possibly been the set up to those jokes/anecdotes.

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Also, if you can pull up the "dead dog" joke as well, I was going to suggest a forum game where we try to fill in what could have possibly been the set up to those jokes/anecdotes.

 

The "She didn't have a head" punchline, I think the setup is an awful joke I heard when I was a teenager about a guy bragging about finding a girl tied up on the train tracks and having his way with her.

 

 

Yeah, I know.

ugh.gif

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Also, if you can pull up the "dead dog" joke as well, I was going to suggest a forum game where we try to fill in what could have possibly been the set up to those jokes/anecdotes.

 

Whats funny about a dead dog??? ... these guys are only in the movie 5 seconds and already i know they're assholes

 

deaddog.gif

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The "She didn't have a head" punchline, I think the setup is an awful joke I heard when I was a teenager about a guy bragging about finding a girl tied up on the train tracks and having his way with her.

 

 

Yeah, I know.

ugh.gif

 

Colin_Farrel-Disgusted.gif

 

Ewwww.....that is really disappointing (but, given the movie, not totally unexpected). However, I am confident that we can appropriate it and make it something better!

 

 

Thanks, Firsttimecaller for the clips!

 

 

 

FORUM GAME!

 

Given the punchlines below, write a start to each joke/anecdote that makes them either make sense or funny. I'm confident we can do this!

 

"Then the soldier says, "No, no, buddy, she didn't have a head!"

 

and

 

"...and the closer I get to this car, the smell is getting stronger and stronger. And I walk up to the guy's window, [he] rolls down the window, I look and on the passenger seat is his dead dog!"

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Here's a little data-driven CORRECTION on this episode:

 

Ben Siemon mentions that he had to google "garage door clutch" to see if that was actually a thing, leading Jason to hypothesize that "you and the writer of this movie are the only two people that have googled that".

 

Well it turns out that google analytics has something to say about searches for the keywords "garage door clutch":

 

post-20040-0-01953000-1465601579_thumb.png

(click for fullsize image)

 

The maximum resolution here is ten searches/month, so we can count anything under that as the statistical equivalent of zero, like the hum of electricity inside a microphone even in a silent room.

 

So, this movie came out in theaters the last week of January 2015, then came out on dvd/on-demand the last week of April 2015. As you can clearly see, this correlates perfectly with those two little spikes of a few dozen searches, after which it plummets back to nothingness.

 

So Jason was technically wrong in his assertion -- it turns out some other people have indeed googled that phrase. But as the data shows, we can be virtually certain that all of those were from people last year who paid money to watch this shitty movie, then immediately said to themselves: "Waaaaaiit a minute. Do garage doors even have clutches? I'm going to expose this movie and all its lies... but first I've gotta make sure I've got my facts straight."

 

P.S. no, garage doors don't have clutches. The door always weighs the same and is moving up the same slope, so why would they ever need a mechanism to switch between gears to apply differential rotational force?

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Close, but the one in the film was green and gold

tumblr_o8kn6xax1q1re0j75o1_540.jpg

 

The design is basically identical despite the color differences. weird.

 

I don't think the source picture on amazon was very well done. That happens alot. because it's often people who just scan it them selfs who don't have a clue about what they are doing.

 

2j3nsp3.jpg

I am sure if you order it, that it looks just like the one in the movie. but god damn it looks just like it as close as anything else so far.

 

all that was missing was the five star review, from this guy.

 

Noah Sandborn

 

"got this as a gift for my hot wife nextdoor, needless to say It worked, I nailed her. and she thinks shes a book scholar. Ohh and thank you UPS for getting it here real fast." This person also got, Rope, hunters knife. duct tape

 

that sad part is it doesn't take much to fool people , i recommend anyone to watch the movie "

"
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FORUM GAME!

 

"Then the soldier says, "No, no, buddy, she didn't have a head!"

 

 

 

Recently I took a day trip out to rural New York when I bumped into a very harried looking soldier carrying a half empty grocery bag. He said, "Excuse me, sir, I'm on leave from the army and visiting my parents and I really wanted to make them a very special dinner tonight, the only thing is, I'm missing one very important ingredient to make the salad--namely the lettuce."

 

I replied to the soldier, "Honestly, I'm not from the area, but have you tried across the street?" And I point across the avenue to a little mom and pop place called "Sleepy Hollow Grocery and Produce."

 

Sadly, he shook his head. "I asked the young lady that works there and she said they don't carry lettuce."

 

Shocked, I replied, "That's ridiculous! It's a grocery store! Surely, they must have lettuce?"

 

[And] then the soldier says, "No. no, buddy, she didn't have a head."

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I missed the memo about the change but luckily I was already well aware of the film. I first came across it when I learned about Judd Productions, which is a very interesting production house because 40% of their films each year turn out to be flops. And surprisingly this was not one of them. Jason Judd gave Rob Cohen, director of Dragonheart and the orignal Fast and Furious, a budget of 4.5 million to make this movie and the film made about 50 million. There is an interesting story put together by NPR's Planet Money, episode 650 (I had to go back and look it up) that talks about this movie.

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I missed the memo about the change but luckily I was already well aware of the film. I first came across it when I learned about Judd Productions, which is a very interesting production house because 40% of their films each year turn out to be flops. And surprisingly this was not one of them. Jason Judd gave Rob Cohen, director of Dragonheart and the orignal Fast and Furious, a budget of 4.5 million to make this movie and the film made about 50 million. There is an interesting story put together by NPR's Planet Money, episode 650 (I had to go back and look it up) that talks about this movie.

 

 

 

 

So... Wait. Rob Cohen directed both Dragonheart AND TBND???

 

k8DQE_f-maxage-0_s-200x150.gif

 

 

But for real. It came out in January and wasn't really competing with anything huge, so it's no surprise it made that much. What else are people gonna go watch?

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WHAT THE CHRIST

 

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T READ THE MINISODE THREAD BECAUSE IT'S FINALS WEEK!!!;;1111~~~11¡¡¡!!!!

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Previews for this movie made me think of a gender-flipped version of THE CRUSH (1993), in which a 14-year-old girl played by Alicia Silverstone develops an unhealthy crush on a writer played by Cary Elwes. I thought that was a good movie back when I was a kid.

 

I have nothing else to add.

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I loved how into the female gaze/ slant Jason was. I always love when he brings up interesting stuff like this and when they actually examine the movies text/subtexts just as much as when they trash it. Truly enjoyable episode.

 

No idea if anyone's mentioned this but from the few clips i watched though I really have to ask what the hell kind of school J Loe is teaching at. The outfit in the "first edition" Iliad scene would never have been ok in my high school. Her shirt is practically falling off of her, but that could be because it looks like it's two sizes too big. It's been a while but most of my female teachers all kind of looked like they worked in an office on semi casual Friday. I'm honestly not sure if they wore jeans and we were pretty laid back with the dress code compared to some schools. Again I only saw a few clips because i totally forgot about looking up what movie was going to be discussed

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