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JulyDiaz

EPISODE 111 — Hercules in New York: LIVE!

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OMISSION/EXTRA INFORMATION: This isn't as much an omission as a fact relevant to this episode. AUSTRIANS LOVE THIS MOVIE (at least those in their 20's to 40's). I have lived in Austria for a few years now and had never heard of this movie before coming here. Multiple people here asked me when I first arrived if I had ever heard of it. They love to ridicule Arnold's terrible English, and they specifically quote that scene Paul played where he's speaking to Zeus (Zeh-us) and he's not understandable. It was an Austrian cultural experience to get drunk and watch this movie with friends.

 

ASIDE: I've been frequently asked how American's view Arnold, when he's in movies. Do we see him as an American guy or as a foreigner with an accent? Many here see him as having been Austrian but now being completely American. I have no good answer to this question, so I always quote the HDTGM "Jingle All the Way" episode where they point out that he's essentially presented as a small town all-American dad whose accent is not at all acknowledged, even though there is a mixup at the end with the only other Austrian man in the town, who is dressed in a Santa disguise.

 

My point is: look how far Arnold has come. He went from this...let's say "movie"... to being a mainstream actor who's foreigness is not even acknowledged as a character trait to explain his thick accent.

 

I heard somewhere that he has played a character named "John" atleast 8 times in his career. But it really should be Johann.

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I heard somewhere that he has played a character named "John" atleast 8 times in his career. But it really should be Johann.

 

So I checked IMDB to see what Anglo names he has had in movies. Here is a list (excluding historical figures and names which are both Anglo and German/Austrian):

 

Joe Santo

 

John Matrix

John Kimble (but identifies as being foreign)

John 'The Eraser' Kruger

John 'Breacher' Wharton

John Nicolay

 

Ben Richards

 

Douglas Quaid

 

Jack Slater

 

Howard Langston

 

Jericho Cane

 

Adam Gibson

 

Gordy Brewer

 

Ray Owens

 

Wade Vogel (last name is German)

 

Bar Patron (possibly Latino)

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You could pretty much put the benny hill theme over any part of this movie and it would work but this seemed liked most fun

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c21XIfLHM0Y&feature=youtu.be

 

note: not sure if it will play everywhere or if youtube will allow it to stay up for long due to copyright but its worth a go

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So while we were watching the dubbed version of this "movie" (using that term loosely) my boyfriend turns to me and says "I wonder whether they were rubbing peanut butter on Arnold's gums or shoving a carrot up his ass to get him to move his lips and mouth."

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So who was a worse young Hercules? Arnold or Ryan Gosling?

I don't know, but I can tell you who the worst Zeus was...

lilhend.gif

 

...which is ironic, considering that he co-starred with probably the greatest and most accurate Zeus ever to appear on film...

 

F7R.jpeg

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Today I was watching a documentary called Crazy Love. In it, during the middle of a segment filled with talking heads, one woman was describing a friend of hers and was trying to say he was not very attractive without being explicit. She said "you know who he looked like? Arnold Stang!" Mind you, she was about 80.

 

Added note: Arnold Stang did voice work for ads, his most popular being a slogan for Chunky Chocolate Bars - "Chunky! What a chunk of chocolate!"

 

Amazing.

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A search of his IMDB page showed that Arnold Stang has worked on a number of Bill Cosby's projects over the years, including cameos as "Man in Waiting Room" on an episode of "The Cosby Show", "Mr. Cohen, Elderly Patient" in "Ghost Dad", and "Homeless Guy" on "The Cosby Mysteries". I think it's NO mystery why Cosby liked having him around, as it's pretty clear that having a hot piece of ass like Pretzie around helps to attract the ladies...that Cosby would later be accused of raping.

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According to his Wikipedia, Arnold Stang 'voiced the character Nurtle the Twurtle in the 1965 animated feature 'Pinocchio in Outer Space'. Which raises two points:

 

1. He actually WAS a cartoon turtle (an alien turtle, it's weird, picture below) just four years earlier. Clearly the role he was born to play.

 

2. Umm 'Pinocchio in Outer Space'??? What???

 

 

pinokeinspace5.jpg

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According to his Wikipedia, Arnold Stang 'voiced the character Nurtle the Twurtle in the 1965 animated feature 'Pinocchio in Outer Space'. Which raises two points:

 

1. He actually WAS a cartoon turtle (an alien turtle, it's weird, picture below) just four years earlier. Clearly the role he was born to play.

 

2. Umm 'Pinocchio in Outer Space'??? What???

 

 

pinokeinspace5.jpg

I knew that the "Pinocchio" franchise had peaked early, but holy shit, that has to be some sort of record, like the earliest recorded instance of "Fuck it, let's send them to space" happening to a series, which has plagued mostly horror franchises up to this point, though I'm sure that "Fast and the Furious" will get there eventually.

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I knew that the "Pinocchio" franchise had peaked early, but holy shit, that has to be some sort of record, like the earliest recorded instance of "Fuck it, let's send them to space" happening to a series, which has plagued mostly horror franchises up to this point, though I'm sure that "Fast and the Furious" will get there eventually.

 

I don't think you can call Pinocchio a franchise, especially if you're conflating this with the Disney feature (being the only production Disney studios had ever did with the character). The source material's very much in the public domain, and a little digging reveals Pinocchio in Outer Space to be a Belgian offense from the studio that was responsible for the first animated adaptation of Herge's never-as-popular-in-the-US-as-they-should've-been Tintin comics.

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Just watched this and Jason was right on the money. Pretzie looks like a human turtle.

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I think HDTGM found its new patron saint today. We'll start asking whether a movie would have been better with Arnold Stang. Spoiler alert: the answer will always be "yes." Even in this movie- he could have played Zeus as well as his own dead wife.

 

PovualV.jpg

 

Yes! But its not whether he would replace another character... just whether if you added a lovable huckster to the cast, would it make the movie better.

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I don't know, but I can tell you who the worst Zeus was...

lilhend.gif

 

...which is ironic, considering that he co-starred with probably the greatest and most accurate Zeus ever to appear on film...

 

F7R.jpeg

 

See that screen grab of Zeus brings up long-forgotten feelings of confusion/revulsion after seeing No Holds Barred. I was a child and a huge WWF/Hogan fan, and I remember seeing that movie and not knowing how to feel. There was a combination of "not yet understanding movies could be bad" and "but I love wrestling, how come I don't like this?". Everything in my conscious mind told me to love it and that Zeus was an awesome villain, but in my subconscious dwelled feelings of revulsion.

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See that screen grab of Zeus brings up long-forgotten feelings of confusion/revulsion after seeing No Holds Barred. I was a child and a huge WWF/Hogan fan, and I remember seeing that movie and not knowing how to feel. There was a combination of "not yet understanding movies could be bad" and "but I love wrestling, how come I don't like this?". Everything in my conscious mind told me to love it and that Zeus was an awesome villain, but in my subconscious dwelled feelings of revulsion.

 

I had the opposite reaction; I loved it. The "teeny wangers" line was gold, the "dookie?!" line was gold, Hulk was the MAN, Zeus was a scary bad guy, Kurt Fuller's character was totally believable, etc.

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I had the opposite reaction; I loved it. The "teeny wangers" line was gold, the "dookie?!" line was gold, Hulk was the MAN, Zeus was a scary bad guy, Kurt Fuller's character was totally believable, etc.

 

I can absolutely appreciate that now. I've watched it a few times as an adult and I loved it. However, children don't necessarily have that ability to understand sarcasm or enjoy such a movie for the reasons that it is awesome. I was only six when it came out.

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The one topic I was surprised you didn't latch on to is how heavy the film got in the middle. At one point Zeus drops some serious truth on his people that people hate what they don't understand. Damn. I thought I was just singing up for a shitty low budget film.

 

But on to something more lighter, Muscle mag publisher Joe Weider recommended Arnold to producers of the film and sold him as a "German Shakespearean actor." This is a quote from Arnold himself when doing publicity for Maggie.

 

Thank you again for coming to NYC and really hope to see you again before the year ends

 

Pete Scudese (SKA-DEE-SEE)

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I'm surprised no one on stage mentioned this Pretzy's comment during his 'Iceman Cometh' moment at the end: "With Herc gone is sure gonna get lonely for me again". "Again". Widower. Abandoned. SO SO SAD and totally tonally disconnected with the rest of the movie.

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So to summarize Hercules' way of hitting on a woman:

"You remind me of my sister...lets bone."

 

(unfortunately I've seen enough people posting what they receive on OKCupid to know there are plenty of guys who think that is indeed a good way to woo a lady.)

 

Wonder what she's gonna think after a while, when Hercules never turns up anymore, and then she manages to find Pretzy down by the docks and ask whats up and finds out he just randomly took off and gave Pretzy a heartfelt goodbye over a hijacked radio signal and she got nuthin but Vorpal Gangrene or Dragon Syphilis or whatever you get from half-breed gods.

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Every time I saw Pretzie on screen, I was instantly reminded of the turtle from Disney's Robin Hood. I was extatic to hear Jason compare Stang to a turtle.

 

robin-hood-toby-smiling.jpg

 

Some remarks that weren't touched on:

  • After Hercules sees the poster for a Hercules-based movie and angrily takes off his shirt, did Hercules and the girl actually go inside the theatre? And if they did, was it to watch a movie or a play? I don't remember the exact line, but the girl definitely says something to the effect of "it's just a movie, you know, a play". Very confusing.
    However, I think the answer comes a few scenes later, when Hercules says: "There's a theatre on Broadway; there's a man who plays me so well they shower money on him." I can only assume that she actually went to a strip club with Hercules where a naked man danced and pretended to be Hercules.
  • How many dates did Hercules and the girl go on? He takes off his clothes at the movie theatre and then in the next scene is wearing a completely different outfit. They get something to eat and in the next scene, he is yet again wearing a completely different outfit. Why were they on a continuous three-day date... and if it was their third date, why didn't it end in fucking?
  • Speaking of, the woman who said this movie looked like a low budget porn was absolutely right. It's like you're constantly one scene away from porn, but it never actually comes. The scenes on Mount Olympus especially seemed like they were all going to end in one of the goddesses saying "but first let me suck your dick dry".
  • Hera (or Juno, as this movie wants us to call Zeus' wife) has a line near the end where she's reflecting on the mortal world and says "It all sounds revoltingly noisy". LITERALLY with the noise of CARS DRIVING in the background.

 

And finally, my favorite line, after Pretzie avoids just saying "money" for a full minute:

  • "Bucks? Doe? What is this zoological talk of male and female animals?"

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It's like you're constantly one scene away from porn, but it never actually comes.

 

QgixZj4y3TwnS.gif

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I'm surprised no one on stage mentioned this Pretzy's comment during his 'Iceman Cometh' moment at the end: "With Herc gone is sure gonna get lonely for me again". "Again". Widower. Abandoned. SO SO SAD and totally tonally disconnected with the rest of the movie.

As suggested in the episode, this could very well be Pretzie's dead wife...

 

20 - Junior (1994).jpg

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