EPISODE 111.5 — Minisode 111.5

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

So, Channing Tatum is a shitty space Witcher?

[liebot 55]

When Terry Gilliam showed up in the "hilarious bureaucracy montage" I felt like I was watching the end of "Lost in La Mancha" all over again. And I checked out around the time they got to Sean Bean's bee farm, too. This movie throws so much at you and keeps on going with no regard for characters. It was giving me high-concept fatigue. On one hand, there's no way the episode would be as good without the context of having seen it, but oof-this movie.

 

This whole fucking "Advocate Bob" scene is the most egregious thing in the film and that really is saying something. It's making me angry trying to explain why this scene is so terrible. So much of this movie is setup without payoff.

 

-Why did her dad get killed?

-Why isn't everyone constantly laughing at the name "Jupiter Jones"?

-Why did she use a fake name for selling her eggs?

-Why does her cousin need a widescreen TV?

-Why didn't she ever freak out at anything?

-Why, if the original plan by everyone is to kill her, don't they just do that?

-Why does everyone keep saying "she's the queen", yet she has seemingly no power

-Why is there suddenly an elephant pilot called "Ganesh"

-Why do we get a monologue from that space police captain woman about how brave Channing Tatum is?

-Why does it end with her on earth pretending nothing ever happened?

-WHY: TO EVERYTHING THAT SEAN BEAN DOES

 

This is however one of the best terrible movies I've ever seen, it's genuinely worse than Sharknado or The Room in terms of writing and acting. Eddie Redmayne is bad, but if you've missed how genuinely terrible Mila Kunis is throughout go checkout her reaction to the bees scene. Or the "I love dogs" bit. Or anything.

[RebeccaRandall 5]

To channel our favourite HDTGM host...

 

"...I loved it."

 

I saw this when it was at the pictures at the beginning of the year, and I was dying to see it because of how awful it was. Eddie Redmayne's raspy 50-pack-a-day characterisation was worth price of admission alone.

 

Also, this tumblr contribution:

REBLOG if you have NEVER BEEN STUNG BY BEES and are therefore SPACE ROYALTY

[Lando 2019]

So, Channing Tatum is a shitty space Witcher?

 

I like to think that he's a cross between Marty McFly from BTTF2 and Scotty Howard from Teen Wolf

[JimB-Reay 53]

Wow - just watched this last night in preparation. I can't wait to hear our hosts try to unpack this one. It was a spectacular mess!

[taylor anne photo 11311]

 

This whole fucking "Advocate Bob" scene is the most egregious thing in the film and that really is saying something. It's making me angry trying to explain why this scene is so terrible. So much of this movie is setup without payoff.

 

-Why did her dad get killed?

-Why isn't everyone constantly laughing at the name "Jupiter Jones"?

-Why did she use a fake name for selling her eggs?

-Why does her cousin need a widescreen TV?

-Why didn't she ever freak out at anything?

-Why, if the original plan by everyone is to kill her, don't they just do that?

-Why does everyone keep saying "she's the queen", yet she has seemingly no power

-Why is there suddenly an elephant pilot called "Ganesh"

-Why do we get a monologue from that space police captain woman about how brave Channing Tatum is?

-Why does it end with her on earth pretending nothing ever happened?

-WHY: TO EVERYTHING THAT SEAN BEAN DOES

 

This is however one of the best terrible movies I've ever seen, it's genuinely worse than Sharknado or The Room in terms of writing and acting. Eddie Redmayne is bad, but if you've missed how genuinely terrible Mila Kunis is throughout go checkout her reaction to the bees scene. Or the "I love dogs" bit. Or anything.

 

I feel like I can only maybe answer one of these questions. As to why she had no power there was a will involved in what planets the mother had control over and then gave to her children. So somehow (which is where my questions over this mess come in) Mila Kunis being the reincarnation of the queen gained control over Earth once again, but nothing else? So she had no actual control just a title unless they were on Earth and then that was her turf.

 

Idk I could just be pulling shit out of my ass right now hahaha.

 

Also, I will defend Eddie Redmayne in this movie until my dying day.

[Kickpuncher 5012]

So it turns out that Netflix doesn't actually have the DVD available until 6/30. I'm 90% sure that it didn't say this when I added it to my queue, so I was surprised to see that a different movie was shipped to me today. Oh well, I'm definitely not paying for this one unless maybe the podcast is delayed and I could watch it this weekend.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

When Terry Gilliam showed up in the "hilarious bureaucracy montage" I felt like I was watching the end of "Lost in La Mancha" all over again.

Not to mention that at one point in the bureaucracy sequence, they say something about needing form "27b stroke 6." I think they thought they were making a hilarious comedy bit and were trying to pay some sort of homage to Brazil, but it was almost unbearable.

 

For those that haven't seen Brazil (or who have and want to see the scene again):

 

[Lando 2019]

My theory on Redmayne is that he started off doing a standard villain and the Wachowskis wanted him to do it more Voldemorty so he Voldemorted the shit out of Balem. BTW, I keep wanting to call him Beeblebrox. Don't the names sound like rejected Hitchhiker's Guide characters? In fact if he really wanted to destroy earth because it was in the way of a highway it would have made much more sense.

[Cameron H. 23786]

My theory on Redmayne is that he started off doing a standard villain and the Wachowskis wanted him to do it more Voldemorty so he Voldemorted the shit out of Balem. BTW, I keep wanting to call him Beeblebrox. Don't the names sound like rejected Hitchhiker's Guide characters? In fact if he really wanted to destroy earth because it was in the way of a highway it would have made much more sense.

 

I like your theory where the Wachowski's were directing Redmayne and said, "We like what your doing, but we need you at about 90% more Voldemort," but I had an alternate theory--and apologize, this may get a little blue.

 

In my mind, Redmayne was acting like a real pervy dude, and just off screen, he or someone else is just fondling his balls--just really going to town. It's all there--husky voice, half-lidded eyes gazing somewhere off into the middle distance, etc. And then, unbeknownst to Redmayne, when the Wachowski's really need him to give them the juice, an intern sneaks up behind him and gives him a surprise rectal exam.

 

Once again, I do apologize for what I just wrote. For one, I try to keep my posts family friendly, but moreover, I am sorry I just put that image into everyone's mind who watches this movie from here on out.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

My theory on Redmayne is that he started off doing a standard villain and the Wachowskis wanted him to do it more Voldemorty so he Voldemorted the shit out of Balem.

 

His effeminate whisper talking was a weird choice. Were we supposed to be afraid of him? Aroused? Confused? I was at least two of these...

 

I'm pretty sure you could take any random 15 minutes of this movie, and they could have a full HDTGM episode just talking about that.

[Lando 2019]

 

I like your theory where the Wachowski's were directing Redmayne and said, "We like what your doing, but we need you at about 90% more Voldemort," but I had an alternate theory--and apologize, this may get a little blue.

 

In my mind, Redmayne was acting like a real pervy dude, and just off screen, he or someone else is just fondling his balls--just really going to town. It's all there--husky voice, half-lidded eyes gazing somewhere off into the middle distance, etc. And then, unbeknownst to Redmayne, when the Wachowski's really need him to give them the juice, an intern sneaks up behind him and gives him a surprise rectal exam.

 

Once again, I do apologize for what I just wrote. For one, I try to keep my posts family friendly, but moreover, I am sorry I just put that image into everyone's mind who watches this movie from here on out.

 

That would 100% explain this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1cDXj8FpyM

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

This movie makes me long for the cohesive narrative of David Lynch's 'Dune.'

 

[SlidePocket 707]

The Nostalgia Critic has just covered this movie the same week HDTGM will be on Friday!

[seanotron 2307]

I know it's a break with protocol and 2nd Opinions is always sourced from Amazon, but boy, some of the Google Play reviews for this thing are gold.

 

Like this guy:

 

5 Stars

IT KICKED BUTT &TOOK NAMES!!! This movie Rocked. It left me wanting more. The action & special effects were A+. The script may have needed A few touch ups, but other than that this is what I expect from a Wachowski MOVIE... I mean THIS IS WHY I GO TO THE MOVIES.

 

THIS IS WHY HE GOES TO THE MOVIES.

 

Then there's this guy, who I am pretty sure is just straight up threatening to kill everyone:

the movie itself is fine, but I am just about fed up with communist references or immigration idiocy fed to me by some activist producer. There really is no point in arguing with you, the masses, who no doubt think its great! I hope, soon, there will come a time, when these promoted ideals will be dealt with in a HARSH way. Hollywood, you are unwittingly creating a lot of activists, and not the friendly kind

 

Also there are a ton of reviews praising it and talking about how terrible Guardians of the Galaxy was. YOINKS.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

Ummmmmmmmmmm. So, according to this article, Lana Wachowski told Redmayne to play Balem "like an accountant." Who the fuck does these people's taxes?!

[Misleading Ninja 14]

Jeez, why did I watch that movie???? It was so boring and pointless!

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Ummmmmmmmmmm. So, according to this article, Lana Wachowski told Redmayne to play Balem "like an accountant." Who the fuck does these people's taxes?!

Well, we all know that Hollywood accounting is a little fuzzy. "Alright, Eddie, make me believe that Forrest Gump lost money."

[MarsBase3 0]

 

This whole fucking "Advocate Bob" scene is the most egregious thing in the film and that really is saying something. It's making me angry trying to explain why this scene is so terrible. So much of this movie is setup without payoff.

 

-Why did her dad get killed?

-Why isn't everyone constantly laughing at the name "Jupiter Jones"?

-Why did she use a fake name for selling her eggs?

-Why does her cousin need a widescreen TV?

-Why didn't she ever freak out at anything?

-Why, if the original plan by everyone is to kill her, don't they just do that?

-Why does everyone keep saying "she's the queen", yet she has seemingly no power

-Why is there suddenly an elephant pilot called "Ganesh"

-Why do we get a monologue from that space police captain woman about how brave Channing Tatum is?

-Why does it end with her on earth pretending nothing ever happened?

-WHY: TO EVERYTHING THAT SEAN BEAN DOES

 

This is however one of the best terrible movies I've ever seen, it's genuinely worse than Sharknado or The Room in terms of writing and acting. Eddie Redmayne is bad, but if you've missed how genuinely terrible Mila Kunis is throughout go checkout her reaction to the bees scene. Or the "I love dogs" bit. Or anything.

 

 

This really sums up my list of questions/the times I contemplated taking my own life during this movie.

 

Except I was really glad to see elephant man in there because he was easily the best part of this movie for me. What I'm saying is that elephant man made me realize life is worth living because no matter how bad things get there is always that super remote chance that an elephant guy is suddenly going to be tossed into the mix for absolutely no reason

[Lando 2019]

On a tangential note, has anyone seen Sens8 yet? I know that it's by the Wachowskis are involved in it, but I don't think it involves any whispering about harvesting, animal human hybrid romances or bees telling it like it is. I'm just wondering if it's any good.

[souprman 10477]

great now I gotta watch fuckin' Jupiter Ascending. Seriously middle fuckin' fingers for all of ya'.

[hypnotizingchickens 1025]

all nonsense aside, I had a legitimate laugh when she insisted on changing clothes while actually conscious for once in the movie.

 

that being said, I don't think I've ever seen a film in which it was so glaringly apparent that anything interesting happening on-screen was computer generated. seriously, I could watch Mila Kunis apathetically swat at invisible bees all day long... and Channing Tatum flying around in those boots gave me flashbacks to playing hours and hours of Jet Set Radio, especially in regards to his expert arm-work.

[TheLadyEve 14]

I recently watched Jupter Ascending, and was absolutely confounded by certain aspects of the plot. The whole thing reminded me of a weird mashup of Cinderella and Labarynth, with the Abrasax siblings as the wicked stepsisters and Jupiter as both Cinderella and, in a weird genetic reincarnation twist, her own wicked stepmother. Some things I found particularly confusing:

 

Why does Balem refer to the lizard man as "Mr.?" And why do they speak English, period? Are we to understand that the customs of only English speaking populations that developed on Earth after it was seeded came directly from these progenitors?

 

Eddie Redmayne is absolutely absurd in this film. His quivering fish face and weird, raspy voice made me want to pour candlewax in my ears and eyes.

 

“Bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty." What the fuck?

 

The automatic spacesuit says "37 minutes of air remaining!" when Caine puts it on, but not when Jupiter and Caine put them on in the end--and how the hell are they talking to each other through the spacesuits at the end? It would have been funny if the automatic voice had started talking over them...

 

What was up with Kalique? Did I miss it, or did we ever figure out what her end game was? She did her nifty regeneration bath thing and then we basically didn't hear from her again.

 

Did anyone else notice that Jupiter's royal tattoo moved spots on her wrist a couple of times?

 

They mentioned that Caine is some kind of lupine-human hybrid creature, so I kept expecting him to show some wolf-like characteristics, but that didn't happen--in fact, without his gravity boots, he would have been pretty useless, so why even make him a hybrid creature at all? It's like if Jacob from Twilight just snarled a little and never did his cheesy naked wolf-morph maneuver.

 

How are they not just completely incinerated as soon as the shield is breached? It made no sense--metal is literally ignited into flames all around them, and Mila Kunis seemed just fine. It reminded me of a scene out of Sucker Punch, but at least those elaborate scenes were supposed to be fantasies.

 

I thoroughly enjoyed the "DMV" scene, and it reminded me of the afterlife in Beetlejuice. I can see a lot of thought went into this shambling mess of a film, and it strikes me that it could make a pretty cool TV series. A series would provide opportunity to actually explain this world instead of rushing through it at a breakneck pace.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

I thoroughly enjoyed the "DMV" scene, and it reminded me of the afterlife in Beetlejuice. I can see a lot of thought went into this shambling mess of a film, and it strikes me that it could make a pretty cool TV series. A series would provide opportunity to actually explain this world instead of rushing through it at a breakneck pace.

Really? I have two consecutive notes that I took during the movie that say:

 

 

Is the whole bureaucracy sequence supposed to be funny?

 

Code 27b/6 - Half-assed Brazil reference. Maybe the bureaucracy scene was supposed to be funny…

 

I can tell this is early in the movie because everything hasn't shifted to all caps and excessive punctuation marks yet.

[Cameron H. 23786]

Okay, this doesn't normally happen for me, but I was re-watching the movie this morning--and although I only got about half-way through--I think my opinion on it has changed a bit. I mean, it's still coo-coo bananas, and I wouldn't go so far as to say I enjoyed it, but I think I just gave into the insanity of it all. When did my opinion change? Well, I think it was when I realized that "Caine" was just "canine" minus the extra "n." I'm sure a lot of you caught this before me, but I can be a little slow...

 

Anyway, one slow clap later, I was on-board. My apologies for my harsh criticisms from before. I'm happy to report that I no longer find this movie to be terrible.