EPISODE 109 — The ScuzzMan Returns

[Lord Shitqueef 1609]

I got it at Home Depot and over the summer I used it to burn weeds and grass on the patio and I figure I'll be able to use it in the driveway on ice patches in the winter.

[Lord Shitqueef 1609]

do you have any leftover Halloween decorations? I'd like to see a skellington burn.

 

I'm not a sick, twisted pervert, so no, I don't keep any skellingtons in my home. I'm not Cochran.

[nohorseman 5423]

I know something with infinite British Thermal Units... Our very own poster Andrew and his insults (burns)

[piemanpie24 1119]

 

 

I'm not a sick, twisted pervert, so no, I don't keep any skellingtons in my home. I'm not Cochran.

It was a test and you PASSED

You can get print off your "NOT SPOOKY" diploma in 3 days or so. If you want to burn that, you can

[Silvrwoman 4998]

I lost my key to my apartment over a month ago. I can't tell my roommate I lost it and ask her to make a copy because she will get angry and be mean and scary to me. So I've been climbing in the window this whole time which I GUESS is maybe a weird thing to do, but I'm so used to it now that it seems like the normal way to enter a house which is why I just did it in front of my neighbor without a second thought and was wondering why he stopped and stared while I did it. And now the absurdity of this situation is suddenly occurring to me. Maybe I should just do the logical thing and learn how to pick locks in a fast and chill way.

 

this was a good, relevant post and I'm glad I did it.

Dude, just pick a date in the near future and pretend it's the day you and your roommate first met. Your roommate (you didn't mention her name, so henceforth, I'll just refer to her as "Brenda") is not gonna be able to remember the actual day anyway, but you may have to go through her emails/texts to delete any contradicting evidence and falsify some messages; I recommending hacking into her mom's email account and sending your roommate a message that says something like:

 

Hi Sweetheart, your dad wants to know if you've found any pills lying around. He thinks he may have left them there on November____. I think that's the day you first hung out with Ashley. The pills are blue. Love, Mom.

 

Next just casually say to you roommate something like, "aren't you excited for our upcoming friendship anniversary?"

 

Then all you have to do is plan a surprise party for your roommate, on the pretense that it's to celebrate your Friendaversity. First though, make sure you go through your list of invitees and make sure that it's not possible for any person on that list to have been with your roommate and/or knew of her whereabouts on the date you've chosen. I recommend hacking into each person's mom's email account and sending each invitee something like:

 

Hi Dollface, Your dad wants to know if you were around on November_____. He's trying to remember the last time he got his prescription filled, and thinks you and [insert your roommate's name] would know because he's certain both of you came with him to the pharmacy that day. I'm pretty sure that's the same day you and [insert your roommate's name] first met, if that helps jog your memory. The pills are blue. Love, Mom.

 

Okay, next make two separate lists:

List Y (You should not invited these people to the friendaversary party), and

List N (Not a problem if invited to friendaversary party)

 

Because you don't want the people who you're not going to invite to find out about the party and become suspicious about not being invited, as well as sending out the party invitations to everyone on List N, also simply send each person on List Y a fake coupon for a free dinner entree at their favorite restaurant. Of course, it should go without saying, make sure the coupons are only valid for the date of your party.

 

Here's the important part though: Make sure you also invite someone with a reputation of being untrustworthy, preferably a known criminal of the community. This will make sense later.

 

Okay, so now skip ahead to after the "Surprise!" moment. Your roommate is thrilled and grateful of all you've done to put this amazing party together for her (the food, drinks, bouncy house, a private concert from a 90's boy band).

 

During the party start making little statements about how you're a little nervous that Stabbing Steven showed up. Explain to your roommate that you invited him because he used to date Allison who used to date your ex boyfriend, and you did didn't want Steven to think that you didn't invite him because you were jealous of Allison because he's still talks with Allison occasionally (they share a dog still) and he may tell Allison that you were jealous which isn't even true. You didn't think he would actually come though because he's usually in prison. Anyway, make sure it's clear that you're scared because Stabbing Steven is a criminal.

 

Next simply "accidentally" tip over the chocolate fountain which inevitably will catch the bouncy house on fire. This will be a good distraction while you sneak into your roommate's purse and steal her key.

 

And then, before you know it, maybe as soon as the next day, your roommate will want to go to work, or run an errand or something, maybe go to the pharmacy - it's not important, I don't want to confuse you with details. Anyway, guess what....

 

Idiot can't find her keys!! Your roommate isn't as smart as you, so she probably won't even try using the window as an entry/exit. She will probably cry and tell you she lost her key. At this point, you say, "Aww don't cry, it's OK. You're not that much of an idiot. Stabbing Steven probably stole it - he's a known criminal after all. Don't worry, I'll go make a copy of my key and give you a duplicate."

 

You make a copy of "your" key, which is actually her key and come back and give her the duplicate. Now, you look like the kind, perfect, thoughtful roommate, and she looks like the idiot!

 

And, most importantly,you have a key to your apartment again!

[AshleyChupp 3958]

Samara I just laughed so hard I'm crying.

 

You're a genius and and an angel and I love you.

[Silvrwoman 4998]

Samara I just laughed so hard I'm crying.

 

You're a genius and and an angel and I love you.

Thank you! You are the best and love you too

[SteveH 11126]

I got it at Home Depot and over the summer I used it to burn weeds and grass on the patio and I figure I'll be able to use it in the driveway on ice patches in the winter.

 

you just became possibly the most interesting person on the forums right now. Is anyone else using a gigantic propane blow torch to burn weeds and grass?

[JeffBurtMacklinMarra 6724]

Dude, just pick a date in the near future and pretend it's the day you and your roommate first met. Your roommate (you didn't mention her name, so henceforth, I'll just refer to her as "Brenda") is not gonna be able to remember the actual day anyway, but you may have to go through her emails/texts to delete any contradicting evidence and falsify some messages; I recommending hacking into her mom's email account and sending your roommate a message that says something like:

 

Hi Sweetheart, your dad wants to know if you've found any pills lying around. He thinks he may have left them there on November____. I think that's the day you first hung out with Ashley. The pills are blue. Love, Mom.

 

Next just casually say to you roommate something like, "aren't you excited for our upcoming friendship anniversary?"

 

Then all you have to do is plan a surprise party for your roommate, on the pretense that it's to celebrate your Friendaversity. First though, make sure you go through your list of invitees and make sure that it's not possible for any person on that list to have been with your roommate and/or knew of her whereabouts on the date you've chosen. I recommend hacking into each person's mom's email account and sending each invitee something like:

 

Hi Dollface, Your dad wants to know if you were around on November_____. He's trying to remember the last time he got his prescription filled, and thinks you and [insert your roommate's name] would know because he's certain both of you came with him to the pharmacy that day. I'm pretty sure that's the same day you and [insert your roommate's name] first met, if that helps jog your memory. The pills are blue. Love, Mom.

 

Okay, next make two separate lists:

List Y (You should not invited these people to the friendaversary party), and

List N (Not a problem if invited to friendaversary party)

 

Because you don't want the people who you're not going to invite to find out about the party and become suspicious about not being invited, as well as sending out the party invitations to everyone on List N, also simply send each person on List Y a fake coupon for a free dinner entree at their favorite restaurant. Of course, it should go without saying, make sure the coupons are only valid for the date of your party.

 

Here's the important part though: Make sure you also invite someone with a reputation of being untrustworthy, preferably a known criminal of the community. This will make sense later.

 

Okay, so now skip ahead to after the "Surprise!" moment. Your roommate is thrilled and grateful of all you've done to put this amazing party together for her (the food, drinks, bouncy house, a private concert from a 90's boy band).

 

During the party start making little statements about how you're a little nervous that Stabbing Steven showed up. Explain to your roommate that you invited him because he used to date Allison who used to date your ex boyfriend, and you did didn't want Steven to think that you didn't invite him because you were jealous of Allison because he's still talks with Allison occasionally (they share a dog still) and he may tell Allison that you were jealous which isn't even true. You didn't think he would actually come though because he's usually in prison. Anyway, make sure it's clear that you're scared because Stabbing Steven is a criminal.

 

Next simply "accidentally" tip over the chocolate fountain which inevitably will catch the bouncy house on fire. This will be a good distraction while you sneak into your roommate's purse and steal her key.

 

And then, before you know it, maybe as soon as the next day, your roommate will want to go to work, or run an errand or something, maybe go to the pharmacy - it's not important, I don't want to confuse you with details. Anyway, guess what....

 

Idiot can't find her keys!! Your roommate isn't as smart as you, so she probably won't even try using the window as an entry/exit. She will probably cry and tell you she lost her key. At this point, you say, "Aww don't cry, it's OK. You're not that much of an idiot. Stabbing Steven probably stole it - he's a known criminal after all. Don't worry, I'll go make a copy of my key and give you a duplicate."

 

You make a copy of "your" key, which is actually her key and come back and give her the duplicate. Now, you look like the kind, perfect, thoughtful roommate, and she looks like the idiot!

 

And, most importantly,you have a key to your apartment again!

 

You're a mad genius and should really consider supervillainy because you have excellent planning skills.

[Joe McGurl 8358]

Long story that was pretty funny and at one point mentioned blue pills and this will be important to the joke I'm going to post

 

Hmmm, Lots of talk about "blue pills" in this story. So I guess that means SIlvrwoman took the blue pill and woke up in her bed believing in whatever she wanted to believe. I too had a meeting with Mr. Morpheus himself and chose the red pill to stay in Wonderland and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Yes that's right, I am awake and aware of the true nature of The Matrix while you sheeple continue to sleep and stay blind to the fact that the Agents are taking over your world and stealing your apartment keys and forcing you to climb into windows and burning t-shirts with gnarly pit stains. The Oracle told me this day would come on the forums and that I was to be chosen as the savior but is this a forum worth saving? I don't know anymore. Maybe I should have taken the blue pill. Am I "The One?" Yes I think I am but now I'm reconsidering my whole life. I might just take the deal to jack myself back into The Matrix just like Cypher was offered by Agent Smith. Wow. A lot to think about today.

 

Hey speaking of blue pills, how about that viagra shit huh? I've had a boner for like 6 months haha no just kidding that wouldn't be healthy but it would be fuckin funny as all get out. Knockin shit over in an old antique shop with my wood haha that's messed up

 

#ThankYouVeterans

[thejjar 5031]

 

you just became possibly the most interesting person on the forums right now. Is anyone else using a gigantic propane blow torch to burn weeds and grass?

 

You're stuck in the past man #vapeculture

[Lord Shitqueef 1609]

I've got a much smaller torch for that #710culture

[mwn 5470]

Your roommate (you didn't mention her name, so henceforth, I'll just refer to her as "Brenda")

 

There's a lot to love in this post, but the thing I love the most is that you never actually did this. that's some high level shit

[klobbermang 532]

I feel awkward about this b/c Hayes does look at the forums so he'll probably think I'm weird and creepy for speculating on his actual life on a forum, but all the information I know is from stuff he's said on other podcasts so it's really fair game. And I am weird. And a total Hayes-Head...

 

 

Why would anyone be creeped out that a stranger who used to call himself American Diaper knew a lot about their personal life from internet stalking?

[Andrew 4646]

Very British gifs, Joe, I appreciate it.

[robinsbruce 4985]

Took my name back, suck it internet

[Casaba 5942]

Took my name back, suck it internet

 

New phone. Who dis?

[Joe McGurl 8358]

[robinsbruce 4985]

 

New phone. Who dis?

 

ooooo guh you play too much

[Casaba 5942]

 

ooooo guh you play too much

 

JK Simmons. Love you boo!

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

Took my name back, suck it internet

 

yeah right! The real Bruce Reid Robinson II left these parts long ago, swearing never to return. That name carries a lot of weight in these parts and you can't just call yourself Bruce Reid Robinson II on this forum without ruffling some feathers and jostling some other, different feathers.

 

If you hope to take up that mantle, first you need to prove yourself, second, you'll probably need to call yourself Bruce Reid Robinson III. It just makes more mathematical sense, in a counting way.

[robinsbruce 4985]

 

JK Simmons. Love you boo!

 

can't stay mad at you bae, you get them nails did? SO fly.

[Joe Lerini 7329]

Would it be alright with everyone if I discussed the multitude of emotions I went through during this week's Popcorn Gallery, which was the first time a question of mine was used?

 

(I'm assuming at this point you're all saying "yes").

 

1. Excitement, as Sean Clements reads my name and question.

2. Delight, as the topic veers comedically away from the question.

3. Confusion, as Scuzzman gives a matter-of-fact answer to the question.

4. Shame, as Clements reveals his question selection process and casts aspersions at the quality of chosen questions.

5. Contentment, as Clements goes on to say that I had a funny question.

[Casaba 5942]

 

can't stay mad at you bae, you get them nails did? SO fly.

 

Are you gonna add a photo now and let everyone know you're a rugged handsome potato puller?

[robinsbruce 4985]

Nah but I did like that refreshments song during this ep