Episode 88 — Neil Campbell, Our Close Employee

[Toro y Moist 695]

As I'm reading through these, I'm picturing some nice Ken Burns-esque panning and zooming.

[Casaba 5942]

Once that photo hit the Internet, it was like wildfire. It started a whole movement. Something was really happening here. It was bigger than Shaq, bigger than hooters, bigger than basketball even. Colt was thrust into the spotlight so quickly, and frankly he couldn't handle that level of fame over night.

[marshall mellow 1671]

I'm gonna jump onto this posting pet pictures thing. Hopefully I'm not too late for some likes.

Here is a picture of my Dog !

 

[souprman 10477]

Once that photo hit the Internet, it was like wildfire. It started a whole movement. Something was really happening here. It was bigger than Shaq, bigger than hooters, bigger than basketball even. Colt was thrust into the spotlight so quickly, and frankly he couldn't handle that level of fame over night.

Bigger Than Hooters;

the Colt Barton story.

[Tron_doe 703]

U would not believe the jokes that kill at a child's birthday party. Some lady said a fly on the cake was just "extra protein" and everyone laughed really hard.

 

I made a Benghazi joke and no one even responded.

[Just Add Pepper 2026]

(Read by Morgan Freeman over panning shots of buttermilk sauce dripping from a basketful of glistening fried chicken wings on a wood-grain tabletop)

 

Dearest Melinda,

 

Your kindly words remain in my thoughts as I sup upon this dish of chicken wings with bleu cheese. It is the vision of your eyes that keeps my mortal strength intact while I bite and chomp through the various sinews, while I suck the meat from the bones and gnaw the last bits of flesh from the knuckly bits. The newsboy says that soon this dinner will be over, and our lives reunited once-a-more. In the meantime, a 12-year old fellow has kept me company. He reminds me of myself from a younger, more innocent time before this piece of chicken was split in twain.

 

Yours fauthfully, Shaq

[Andrew 4646]

Trip is over now. My review:

 

San Diego: they have a big zoo. They have a big boat. They have a big hotel. Not bad.

Los Angeles: they have stuff you see in movies but they have it in real life. Also if you go there you can meet Sean and Hayes and be on show, at least in my experience. You can buy a really expensive mimosa but they will keep refilling it and get you really drunk before you see the dinosaur movie. Matt Besser will talk to you at his theatre about being British.

Phoenix: I didn't see Shaq in any Hooters, so I think the whole thing might be a hoax. But it was 110°F/45°C, so my eyeballs had melted.

 

Overall I do recommend America, I give it 8/10. I deducted one point for the weirdly large gaps on toilet stall doors and another one because I didn't get to meet Max The Hero Dog.

[Tron_doe 703]

Testing to see if I can attach images on my iPad.

 

Ray Lewis crying is unrelated to anything

[souprman 10477]

11 - new people are nice and cool and funny.

^

Points?

 

Points.

points.

[Tron_doe 703]

[greggy 15909]

shaq. colt. beers. wings. babes

*from off camera* what else was there that day?

what else? rock n roll baby *sick guitar riff followed by a song that sounds a lot like 'crazy train' but not quite*

[honlads 8798]

All of us that were there that day we sort of looked at each other and we said, "Boy, this is... this is dangerous. I mean, what does this mean from here on out?" We didn't understand it at the time. The very idea of Colt meeting Shaq at a Hooters in Phoenix was scary to us. We had never seen anything like it. We knew it was going to change meeting shaq at Hooters forever, and at that point in time, we didn't know if we wanted that. We didn't know if we were even ready to process something like that.

[greggy 15909]

*static picture of shaq on screen, his voice over the phone* remember that day? ha, more like will i ever forget it. that was the day my life changed forever. i played a lot of basketball, but this, this is my legacy. hey guys im honored to be a part of this but i got to go, this hooters is jam-packed with Colters *brief dial tone before the next cut*

[Joe McGurl 8358]

Yeah. I was there that day at Hooters. This kid Colt walks in and right away, I knew there was something special about him. He just had this glint in his eyes that projected a steely determination and drive. I sat this kid and his dad at their table and he slammed down more wings than I'd ever seen. He wasn't even phased by all the stacked racks bouncing around him..then it happened. In walked Shaq and BOOM. This kid and his dad were up and Colt was getting his picture taken with the Shaq Attack. It felt like it was happening in slow motion. I'd never seen anything like it before in my life and I haven't since. It was the greatest day of my life. That kid changed the game forever. The world of getting your picture taken with a celeb at Hooters would never be the same.

[elizamuffins 4228]

Colt told me that his one regret in life was that he didn't have his copy of Shaq Fu in his fannypack. Can you even imagine how much $$$$ a signed copy of that game would go for on the open market?

[honlads 8798]

When I think about hooters only one name springs to mind. Colt Barton.

[elizamuffins 4228]

Just popped open a bottle of wine to get ready for An Adoption to Die For tonight on Lifetime. Anyone else tuning in?

[robotam 4493]

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm drunk and have a hastag Majour Scoup. At 17 minutes 47 seconds of episode 5 of Hollywood handbook Hayes Diveinport describes Mr Beans's body as being trash. What the fuck is going on. Was Hayes jealous back then and doing one of his hastag classic lies?

[SteveH 11126]

Rando celebrity sightings run-ins...GO

• Dave Attell at a hotel in Raleigh, NC
  
• Ginnifer Goodwin at a Whole Foods in Union, NJ
  
• Frank from MasterChef Season 3 at an italian restaurant in Cooperstown, NY
  
• Matt Pinfield sitting at the table next to me and my family at a restaurant in Edison, NJ (he was very loud)
  

I don't think anyone can compete with how lame and rando these are

[greggy 15909]

*screen says "audio courtesy 'i was there too', matt gourley and bob the delivery guy"* matt gourley: so, you were actually there the day colt barton met shaq at a hooters in phoenix, arizona?

bob: yeah, me and everyone else in arizona to hear the old folks tell it. i stopped in to deliver a box of orange bun huggers, i hand em off to the manager, i turn around to leave, and a flash catches my eye. i look over and think, "wow, that guy looks a lot like shaq" and i drop to my knees. the scales fell from my eyes. i knew i was seeing history. i been a preacher ever since. the hour of the return of shaq and colt is nigh gentlemen, make piece with your makers cuz this damn land can't stand another side-hug of that magnitude.

matt gourley: oh right i forgot i was in this post

[SteveH 11126]

"I'm a big guy, you know, so I get hungry a lot. We had a game against the Suns later that evening so I decided to stop in for a quick bite of 8 dozen wings to give me some extra fuel for the game. Everyone was looking at me when I walked in, but I don't know why, probably because I'm tall I guess. I'm thinking to myself 'is that COLT BARTON and his dad sitting right over there? Why is anyone lookin at me? This is COLT *bleep* BARTON, man. I had to get a pic with this dude'"

 

-Shaquille O'Neal

[Spunky Foonerism 8561]

I once almost spilled coffee on the Lt Governor of Louisiana, who is now the mayor of New Orleans. He'd never have won the election for mayor with coffee stains all over him, so I almost changed history*.

I saw Chris Paul a whole bunch of times at basketball games.

I saw Ani DiFranco at a Ghanaian restaurant.

 

*How do I know? Because I spilled the coffee on myself instead of him, and I went on to NOT be elected mayor of New Orleans.

[elizamuffins 4228]

I saw Tom Bergeron at a Starbucks in CT and he was humming the theme to Dancing With the Stars.

[Andrew 4646]

"You know, they say that of all the people who saw Colt meet Shaq that day in Phoenix, everyone went on to have a celebrity sighting of their own. Well, I don't know. Everyone seems to have a story about how they were there, they saw the whole thing... let me tell you, I was really there that day, and I'll tell you what really happened. This guy walks in with a kid - a real skeevy dude too, I mean a take-a-twelve-year-old-to-Hooters looking guy - and once the young'un with him caught a glance of Shaq, you could see his little kiddy eyes get big. And that's not the only thing neither, cus we're talking about a pubescent boy in Hooters, d'ya understand me? I mean his little kiddy dick was getting hard? You understand? I'm talking about this boy's penis filling up with blood at the sight of all those big naturals? Anyway, he took a photo with Shaq or some bullshit, I don't care."

[souprman 10477]

oh Spunky I saw Ani Difranco once at a vegetarian collective type restaurant. she 'bout 5 ft tall.

also once went to Pavement show. after went way across town to cafe/restaurant. sat down. order. look over, everybody from pavement. Steve Malkmus nice guy.

best ever though - was once walking out of cafe, saw a woman walk in. said to friend, 'she look just like Karen Black' very famous. Five Easy Pieces, Nashville, Easy Rider. man walking behind woman overhears me and says, 'that is Karen Black'. somewhere have pic of her kissing my cheek.