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JulyDiaz

EPISODE 115 — Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

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Some *ahem* sharkdenfreude: Sharknado 3's ratings decreased by 30% from Sharknado 2. The number of tweets about S3 was also down.

 

I've said before, I don't think that the ratings are going to dip enough for them to stop trying to milk this series. No matter what, their bar is going to be the other shitty Asylum movies. What do these movies get like 500k viewers or so? They can swap in new leads and keep it cheap and obviously they don't have a huge special effects budget. Sharknado has to essentially get fewer viewers than their marginal shitty ironic monster movies that they continue to make.

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...And you're on the clock.

 

giphy.gif

 

Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris.

 

Damn, that's all I've got. Take good care of my soul! It likes half a can of wet food in the morning and the other half in the evening and likes to sit on your lap and have its belly rubbed while you watch tv.

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I'm not sure if I'm the first to point this out (because I'm far too lazy to read through all the posts), but I was relistening to some of the older HDTGM episodes and heard something strangely applicable to the this episode in Episode 69: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.

 

Towards the end of the episode Matt Berry, the writer of Crocodile Dundee 3, is talking about his pitch to Paul Hogan and about how Paul Hogan loved his pitch because all the other pitches were just about Crocodile Dundee stopping a nuclear bomb or Crocodile Dundee in Space. Jason says how much he loves the idea of Crocodile Dundee in space and then Paul says that should be the sequel to Sharknado.

 

I'm not saying the writers of Sharknado 3 stole that idea from Paul, but they stole that idea from Paul.

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Sorry, I'd like to help you (I really would), but truly, my hands are tied. This is your standard, run-of-the-mill Faustian contract; if I break the rules for you, then I have to break them for everyone. As you can imagine, this just muddies everything, and ultimately, dilutes the commodity. So sorry--no hints, no clues. (Unless, of course, I've already hidden clues...)

(;_ ;)

 

What can I say, people seem to like to read their sex.

And people say reading is dead.

 

OK, just going by what I think are the clues--most of which are leprechaun-related--here are my guesses: marijuana seller, grant writer, candy seller, copywriter...and that's all I could think of.

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My, my, my--looks like I'm going to add a whole new wing to my house with all the souls I'll be collecting...

 

However, I will say that I listen to enough My Brother, My Brother and Me to appreciate the inherent compliment you've suggested in assuming a lowly drudge such as myself could somehow be worthy enough to work with horses in any capacity. Can you imagine what a Heaven it would be to work with God's most beautiful and majestic creatures?

 

But no, I do not play polo--equestrian or aquatic--professionally. Although I do engage in a little Marco Polo from time to time, but strictly on an amateur level.

Are you a captor of souls?

 

I don't mean to brag, unless I do so humbly, I am on the pro circuit of sharks and minnows.

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But no, I do not play polo--equestrian or aquatic--professionally. Although I do engage in a little Marco Polo from time to time, but strictly on an amateur level.

I could have gone pro if it wasn't for the injury I got in college...

 

"Maaaaaarco!"

 

*sigh*

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Damn, that's all I've got. Take good care of my soul! It likes half a can of wet food in the morning and the other half in the evening and likes to sit on your lap and have its belly rubbed while you watch tv.

In addition to being a picky eater, my soul has a tendency to do this...

 

Dog-Paradox-The-Oatmeal.jpg

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You guys talked about Thunder shitting on you by casting that German podcast duo, but you didn't mention how June was suggested as a baby name and April thought it was an AWFUL name. Her logic is "April, May.. June? Ugh, no.", but might this have been a little backhanded stab at you guys as well?

 

 

Also, one logic think that stuck out to me... when it shows Matt Lauer saying goodbye to his crew, it cuts to Kathie Lee and Hoda(?) breaking bottles of wine in an effort to defend themselves, but they just point them at the camera with eyes focused on the camera as sharks are flying around them. Shouldn't they be looking elsewhere, or at least swinging the bottles around? Kathie Lee and Hoda did provide my only genuine laughter, with their intro when they show they are just going to drink while Sharknado is coming.

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You guys talked about Thunder shitting on you by casting that German podcast duo, but you didn't mention how June was suggested as a baby name and April thought it was an AWFUL name. Her logic is "April, May.. June? Ugh, no.", but might this have been a little backhanded stab at you guys as well?

 

 

Also, one logic think that stuck out to me... when it shows Matt Lauer saying goodbye to his crew, it cuts to Kathie Lee and Hoda(?) breaking bottles of wine in an effort to defend themselves, but they just point them at the camera with eyes focused on the camera as sharks are flying around them. Shouldn't they be looking elsewhere, or at least swinging the bottles around? Kathie Lee and Hoda did provide my only genuine laughter, with their intro when they show they are just going to drink while Sharknado is coming.

In the case of Tara Reid dissing the name June, that's like being insulted by the slow kid, or being made fun of for knowing how to read.

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In the case of Tara Reid dissing the name June, that's like being insulted by the slow kid, or being made fun of for knowing how to read.

 

Best example of just how much of a dullard she is, is Opie & Anthony's commentary of 'Taradise' with Bill Burr:

 

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One cameo that I got a kick out of, but hasn't been talked about (mainly because not many people would know the guy) is former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Josh Barnett. Why they would give this guy a gun I have no idea. Just the image of him putting a shark in an armbar... or a Fin-bar... would have made the movie.

 

sharknado_-_JOSH_BARNETT_1.0.0.jpg

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In the case of Tara Reid dissing the name June, that's like being insulted by the slow kid, or being made fun of for knowing how to read.

 

I didn't even think to look at it from that perspective. Thunder totally knew what he was doing.

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Damn, that's all I've got. Take good care of my soul! It likes half a can of wet food in the morning and the other half in the evening and likes to sit on your lap and have its belly rubbed while you watch tv.

 

Damn, all these souls are starting to sound pretty high maintenance...not to mention the hassle of claiming them all as dependents come tax season. You know what? Fuck it. I am reversing the liens placed upon everybody's soul. Everyone gets their soul back. Souls for everyone!

 

The fact of the matter is that I work for a non-profit that provides counseling and rehabilitation for sharks displaced in weather related events. The pay's not great, but the work is it's own reward.

 

Are you a captor of souls?

 

Yes, but it's really more of a lifestyle than a profession.

 

I could have gone pro if it wasn't for the injury I got in college...

 

"Maaaaaarco!"

 

*sigh*

 

Do you think that maybe we should start our own online HDTGM Marco Polo League? Sure the logistics would be a nightmare, but I think it would really strengthen our bonds as a community. Everyone has waterproof laptops, right?

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On cameo that I got a kick out of, but hasn't been talked about (mainly because not many people would know the guy) is former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Josh Barnett. Why they would give this guy a gun I have no idea. Just the image of him putting a shark in an armbar... or a Fin-bar... would have made the movie.

 

sharknado_-_JOSH_BARNETT_1.0.0.jpg

Remember though, Asylum thinks they're above such chicanery! Sure, they'll throw in a million and a half cameos, but they won't bother to fucking explain who they are by having them do what they're famous for, because THAT might be cheesy.

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Correction/Omission/Hope Explanation:

 

 

Guys! I know how Hasselhoff got on the moon at the end. Hear me out...

 

Those sharks really got up there in the end, right? I mean, fuckin' SPACE, yo. Well, if we know anything about most of the movies that have been covered here, the shark has to get get jumped at some point. In this case, we are LITERALLY dealing with space sharks. When they're up that high, you've gotta jump that much higher. In fact, those guys jumped the sharks so hard and so high that Hasselhoff, maybe with an assist from his jetpack, got sucked into the moon's gravitational pull, and now he's stuck there. BAM.

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What about a Sharknado 4 where they use the Sharknado to rescue David Hasselhoff from space?

 

There could be a meteor heading for the earth, and they have to create the most destuctive force ever known to man to stop it. So they actually create a Sharknado to break up the meteor. And (spoiler alert for a movie that doesn't exist), when the meteor is destroyed, they kill two meteors with one shark, and use it to bring David Hasselhoff home.

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My, my, my--looks like I'm going to add a whole new wing to my house with all the souls I'll be collecting...

 

 

from this it sounds like you get monetary rewards for these souls, so i'm going to go out on a limb and say you're a....

SOULTAKER!

soultaker10.jpg

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from this it sounds like you get monetary rewards for these souls, so i'm going to go out on a limb and say you're a....

SOULTAKER!

soultaker10.jpg

 

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from this it sounds like you get monetary rewards for these souls, so i'm going to go out on a limb and say you're a....

SOULTAKER!

soultaker10.jpg

 

Shang_Tsung_7.jpg

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from this it sounds like you get monetary rewards for these souls, so i'm going to go out on a limb and say you're a....

SOULTAKER!

soultaker10.jpg

soul-585x368.jpg

 

It's very possible that I may have misread that...

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As far as the age difference between father and son is concerned, let us not forget that in the first "Sharknado", the actor that plays Fin and April's son is only 8 years younger than Tara Reid!

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Before he was in the WWF, Papa Shango/The Godfather was called "The Soultaker".

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I've said before, I don't think that the ratings are going to dip enough for them to stop trying to milk this series. No matter what, their bar is going to be the other shitty Asylum movies. What do these movies get like 500k viewers or so? They can swap in new leads and keep it cheap and obviously they don't have a huge special effects budget. Sharknado has to essentially get fewer viewers than their marginal shitty ironic monster movies that they continue to make.

That makes sense.

 

I'm probably putting too much stock in the influence of Buzzfeed but I take small comfort in the fact that the site only have 2 articles on Sharknado 3, and they are both interviews with Tara Reid and Ian Ziering. No GIF articles, and Buzzfeed post GIF articles on everything.

 

Also, Asylum is notoriously right-wing. They even have a production division called Faith Films that puts out super-conservative religious films.

I didn't know that. That explains EVERYTHING--the love of guns and other weapons, the disregard for logic and science, the casual contempt for animal lives, the anti-union practices.

 

Unrelated: #SharknadoYes seems to be winning on Twitter right now. Uuuuugggghhhhh. These movies aren't "getting better," like Scott said. They're just jerking off now and seeing how intentionally bad they can make them.

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No one on the show seems excited about doing a fourth Sharknado. To paraphrase Jason in the Lake Placid eppy, what could be more fun for the audience to hear people unenthusiastically talk about a bad movie. Let's hope when the time comes HGDTM exercise their veto power.

 

I really hate movies that perpetuate the idea that animals are enemies to be conquered and killed.

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hey I found that german movie podcast..

 

2d106u1.jpg

 

The guy in the Danny DeVito part looks like he's in the midst of the most satisfying shit ever.

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