Episode 210 - Van Helsing: LIVE! (w/ Seth Rogen, Riki Lindhome, Ben Blacker)

[Mister Card 23]

On 4/1/2019 at 1:24 PM, Cameron H. said:

lol- Shenanigans! Rolling a cigar is an art! I refuse to believe Mr Hyde took the time out of murdering "12 men, 6 women, 4 children, three goats" and massacring poultry to properly age tobacco leaves and case them. That being said, a Van Helsing prequel featuring Mr Hyde as an apprentice torcedor is a something I would very much like to see.    

 Although it’s not an exact comparison in the comics of league of extraordinary gentlemen Jekyll did have clothes and whatnot that were made to fit Hyde. So if this really is a similar situation my guess is Jekyll  had that stuff ready for Hyde to wear and smoke

[Cameron H. 23786]

6 minutes ago, Mister Card said:

 Although it’s not an exact comparison in the comics of league of extraordinary gentlemen Jekyll did have clothes and whatnot that word made to fit Hyde. So if this really is a similar situation my guesses Jekyll  had that stuff ready for Hyde to wear and smoke

Then he was complicit and I’m fucking glad Van Helsing hurled him off of Notre Dame  

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

13 hours ago, Cameron H. said:

When we’re first introduced to Beckinsale and her lover-brother, they are in the midst of setting a trap to kill Dracula’s werewolf henchman. Their plan consists of an intricate trapdoor, cage, and block and tackle system which, unsurprisingly, goes immediately awry as soon as the trap is sprung. In the ensuing chaos, lover-brother drops his gun to the ground and he urgently shouts down to the twelve or so villagers shooting ineffectually at the werewolf that they must find his gun. Beckinsale then helpfully informs us and her cadre of peons that her sexy brother’s gun is the only gun loaded with silver bullets. 

Okay, right, so let’s just set aside for a moment the fact that these poor, hick villagers have been woefully under apprised of the situation - which, if you think about it, is pretty damn unconscionable. And, like, I totally get that silver might be a tough resource to come by when you live in the middle of bumfuck Transylvania. But seriously? Come on, guys! You ventured deep into the Forbidden Forrest with the express purpose of hunting werewolves and you only brought one gun loaded with silver bullets? Not only that, but a major part of your “plan” involved entrusting the single effective weapon you possessed to the person whose job description was “Bait.” As in, the individual most likely to die first if/when things go sideways.

Aren't Beckinsale and her brother supposed to be, like, 9th generation monster hunters or something? Shouldn’t they be good at this? What’s with this bush league trash? No wonder they can’t freakin’ kill TRESemmé Dracula. 

I mean, look, I’m not saying that their family deserves to rot in Hell for all eternity for being a bunch of shitty, no talent demon hunters, but...I’m not exactly saying that they don’t deserve that either.

I think this is an example of how this movie would be improved if both Jackman and Beckinsale were shown to be good at their jobs. Like, show them slaying werewolves, vamps, and other classic monstrosities, or better yet, turning them back to normal humans. Because this movie is already bloated enough, maybe we could skip these scenes and give them both a trophy room of vampire fangs and stuffed werewolf heads, showing their slaying prowess. So when neither of them can defeat Dracula and his forces individually, it gives cause to our sexy stars to marshall their forces. It would also sell Dracula as a uniquely powerful and dangerous foe. Instead, you have Van Helsing, with all the resources of the Vatican, and Anna, with generations of skill and experience, feeling at every encounter with the supernatural like they're corseted Keystone Cops.

[Cameron H. 23786]

I think one of the most absurd exchanges in the movie has to be when Van Helsing offers his condolences for the deaths of Beckinsale’s father and brother and she responds: “I will see them again. We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.” I mean, yeah, but isn’t the whole reason he was sent to Transylvania in the first place because, for her family specifically, there isn’t a bright side to death? Nine generations of her family are currently in Hell having toothpicks covered in Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust shoved up their pee holes or some shit. The same horrifying eternity that’s very much awaiting her if she can’t get her shit together and kill Community Theater Dracula and his unholy clutch of sweaty, vampire egg sacs once and for all. 

So, yeah, maybe your run-of-the-mill, dirt farming Transylvanian can afford to be a bit blasé about death, but I think in her case, she can afford to be a tad more pessimistic.

[AlmostAGhost 2718]

I watched this movie like 4 days ago and I have no idea what any of you are talking about

[mjbok 1]

Please no more Seth Rogan.  His constant laughing at himself would only be funny if you're high, and probably not even then.

[Rioux 0]

11 hours ago, mjbok said:

Please no more Seth Rogan.  His constant laughing at himself would only be funny if you're high, and probably not even then.

THANK YOU! I made an account just to come here and say this. I wanted to hear more of what Ben Blacker had to say but too much time was taken up by Seth Rogen. Ufffff.

[WatchOutForSnakes 807]

17 hours ago, AlmostAGhost said:

I watched this movie like 4 days ago and I have no idea what any of you are talking about

My thoughts exactly! I'd have more to say if I had any clue what was going on, besides the major fails of the Van Helsing's hat and Kate Beckinsale's ill-fitting corset.

[AlmostAGhost 2718]

Hey everyone who comes here just to rip on a guest,

Nobody cares. Talk about the movies.

thanks

[Cameron H. 23786]

11 hours ago, mjbok said:

Please no more Seth Rogan.  His constant laughing at himself would only be funny if you're high, and probably not even then.

 

21 minutes ago, Rioux said:

THANK YOU! I made an account just to come here and say this. I wanted to hear more of what Ben Blacker had to say but too much time was taken up by Seth Rogen. Ufffff.

I’m sorry if he wasn’t your cup of tea, but I liked him very much. For me, Seth’s enthusiasm is infectious, and I would love for him to become a regular guest like Adam Scott. 

In fact, I enjoyed all of their guests on this episode. I feel like Ben brought as much as he wanted/needed to, and it was all great.

[sycasey 2.0 2301]

3 hours ago, AlmostAGhost said:

Hey everyone who comes here just to rip on a guest,

Nobody cares. Talk about the movies.

thanks

At least it wasn't the woman this time.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

29 minutes ago, sycasey 2.0 said:

At least it wasn't the woman this time.

Real progress is hating everyone that guests on the show.

[tomspanks 9039]

1 hour ago, taylorannephoto said:

Real progress is hating everyone that guests on the show.

I dunno, it’s not even on page 1!

[gigi-tastic 2322]

This has NOTHING to do with Van Hesling other than being a total train wreck but Lori Loughlin  signed Rad memorabilia on her way to fucking court. It needed to be shared

http://dlisted.com/2019/04/03/lori-loughlin-signed-autographs-and-posed-for-pictures-in-advance-of-her-operation-varsity-blues-court-appearance/#more-332060

[gigi-tastic 2322]

1 hour ago, taylorannephoto said:

Real progress is hating everyone that guests on the show.

#feminism  #glassceiling

am I right?

[gigi-tastic 2322]

6 hours ago, WatchOutForSnakes said:

My thoughts exactly! I'd have more to say if I had any clue what was going on, besides the major fails of the Van Helsing's hat and Kate Beckinsale's ill-fitting corset.

The costumer on this movie needs to be out in that Canadian field with the Little Italy Hair and Makeup team. That corset ! Ugh

[gigi-tastic 2322]

On 3/31/2019 at 2:23 PM, Cameron H. said:

Fantastic episode! Seth Rogen's exuberance is contagious. 

One thing that really bugged me about this movie is that Beckinsale and her ancestors get to go to Heaven on a bullshit technicality. We're told by Van Helsing's boss that 450 years ago Beckinsale's great-great-great grandfather made a vow to God that his family would "neither rest nor enter Heaven until they vanquished Dracula from their land." But...they didn't vanquish him - Van Helsing did. In order to fulfill this vow and lift the family curse, shouldn't Beckinsale be the one to deliver the killing blow? Otherwise, it's just a bunch of nonsense. That means it never really mattered how Dracula died, just that he did - eventually. They could have just waited him out until he choked on some Texas Toast or slipped in the shower or some shit. Because, apparently, it really didn't fucking matter.

What this movie really needed was a mid-credits scene where Kate and her lover-brother march up to St. Peter only for him to tell them, "Um, not so fast..."       

I want a wacky comedy of them trying to kill him off Coyote style with like extra slippery soap and shit.

[CaptainAmazing 127]

It’s been pulled from the Apple Podcast archives already? Is that normal?

[WatchOutForSnakes 807]

It's still in Stitcher Premium. 

[grudlian. 4725]

It's also on the earwolf website and non-premium Stitcher.

[tropiconan 3]

Riki is stoned as hell in this lol

[CapnBob 2]

I know this is months late but I’ve been catching up with HDTGM after months away looking after sick parents (violins). It is in reference to the question in the episode asked by all the regulars and guests as to why the hell Kate Beckinsale took this role (and others). This is what I heard...

I was staying at a B&B in Yorkshire, England to attend my Godson’s christening in 2004. I came down to breakfast (full English, of course) and sat opposite the only other guest at the only table in the little dining room. She was British just arrived from the US and so was I (I live in SF) so we got chatting. Turns out she was Kate Beckinsale’s recently ex-assistant (due to visa issues, apparently) and her stories were much more interesting than mine. One of which was why Kate B was making the choices she was at the time (Underworld, Van Helsing, etc.). Turns out she’d broken up with her husband, the Welsh National Treasure, Michael Sheen (Lucian the werewolf in Underworld) and had taken up with the director of Underworld, Len Wiseman (new husband as of May 2004). This was a shock to her system (and Sheen’s too, I bet) and she apparently resolved to get ‘dat ass’ into as many pairs of tight leather/vinyl/spandex pants making “hero landings” before it no longer defied gravity (she was about 30 at the time). According to this person, this explained her action hero period which has extended through most of the Underworlds (to 2016), Total Recall (remake), etc.

i thought the HDTGM crowd might appreciate the info...

[WatchOutForSnakes 807]

11 hours ago, CapnBob said:

I know this is months late but I’ve been catching up with HDTGM after months away looking after sick parents (violins). It is in reference to the question in the episode asked by all the regulars and guests as to why the hell Kate Beckinsale took this role (and others). This is what I heard...

I was staying at a B&B in Yorkshire, England to attend my Godson’s christening in 2004. I came down to breakfast (full English, of course) and sat opposite the only other guest at the only table in the little dining room. She was British just arrived from the US and so was I (I live in SF) so we got chatting. Turns out she was Kate Beckinsale’s recently ex-assistant (due to visa issues, apparently) and her stories were much more interesting than mine. One of which was why Kate B was making the choices she was at the time (Underworld, Van Helsing, etc.). Turns out she’d broken up with her husband, the Welsh National Treasure, Michael Sheen (Lucian the werewolf in Underworld) and had taken up with the director of Underworld, Len Wiseman (new husband as of May 2004). This was a shock to her system (and Sheen’s too, I bet) and she apparently resolved to get ‘dat ass’ into as many pairs of tight leather/vinyl/spandex pants making “hero landings” before it no longer defied gravity (she was about 30 at the time). According to this person, this explained her action hero period which has extended through most of the Underworlds (to 2016), Total Recall (remake), etc.

i thought the HDTGM crowd might appreciate the info...

Wait, how did I not know there was a Total Recall remake?! It's so perfect, why would they remake it? I suggest both are perfect for HDTGM.

[CaptainAmazing 127]

On 4/23/2019 at 7:46 PM, CaptainAmazing said:

It’s been pulled from the Apple Podcast archives already? Is that normal?

Starting to wonder if Apple just deletes the ones that it knows I’ve finished.

[theworstbuddhist 572]

9 hours ago, WatchOutForSnakes said:

Wait, how did I not know there was a Total Recall remake?! It's so perfect, why would they remake it? I suggest both are perfect for HDTGM.

As a PKD fan I would not mind a remake that is closer to the source, or at least not a big sloppy mess, but unfortunately most of the film adaptations of his stuff are neither.

While I'm on about it though I will throw out recommendations for the following PKD adaptations that haven't been widely seen:

Barjo (French adaptation of the non-SF novel Confessions of a Crap Artist)
Screamers (Low-budget adaptation of the short story "Second Variety" starring Peter Weller)
A Scanner Darkly (Animated film by Richard Linklater adapting the autobiographical SF novel of the same name, starring Robert Downey Jr. and Woody Harrelson)

Also, RIP Rutger Hauer