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EPISODE 124 — Big Apple Bible, Episode 1

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Points

EDIT: Crap. But you know what? No. I'm not going to edit in what I'm referencing. YOLO, beeyotches.

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I'm more of a Smiles Teller. I go to schools and tell the kids to smile and they don't like it.

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Miles Teller? I'm no car buff, but I just call it an odometer.

This is a great joke

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Great foruming today. Mikebonetti I literally LOLed. You should write a book. You could be the 21st century Jeff Foxworthy

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Thanks! That is a true honor, that I'm not sure I am worthy* of.

 

 

*Foxworthy, that is.

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I guess mods like likes too.

 

I used to be all like Ban Dengler!

 

Now I'm all like Daamn Engler!

 

 

 

 

 

please mr. engler don't harm me I come in peace.

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Dan I'm getting a lot of backlash for being nice to you. Can you threaten me or maybe change my group title from Members to something insulting? Forum cred at stake here. Thanks.

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Dan I'm getting a lot of backlash for being nice to you. Can you threaten me or maybe change my group title from Members to something insulting? Forum cred at stake here. Thanks.

 

 

BACKLASH

 

isn't that the movie with the odometer in it?

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BACKLASH

 

isn't that the movie with the odometer in it?

Hahaha good callback to something that happened earlier in the forum that we all remember and chuckle heartily about hahahha

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Veebs!

 

You did it!

 

('80s slow clap begins)

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If I could, I'd like to take a moment to apologize for some of the things I said earlier in the thread about the Doughboys podcast. I am very sorry if you were offended by my very good, and true observation that Mike Mitchell is a big mama's boy baby man. Some of you were upset by my comments, and I could not be sorrier that you've chosen to feel that way. I know it's okay to be a shitty asshole about Box Angeles, Yo Is This Racist, Spontaneanation, You Made It Weird, and Kevin Pollack's Chat show, but if someone could shoot over the updated list of things it's okay to be a dick about on here, I think we could avoid mishaps like this in the future. Thanks a bunch, dipwads. Byeeeee.

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Also, if you post on this board and do not watch The Grinder, please write a 1500 word essay about what it's like to be a huge disappointment to everyone you've ever met and how you do not deserve to be loved or cared for by anyone ever.

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more like You Made It Weed with Pete Holmes, because if Pete Holmes just made things into sweet kush, that'd be a way better podcast than him laughing at his own jokes and trying to level with his listeners by condescending them.

 

 

 

also i have listened to at least 30 episodes of You Made it Weird

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ah shit lumberjim i texted around to throw you a surprise party for that post and hoist you up on our shoulders and carry you through a town full of cheering fans abd everyone was totally on board for it but then i flaked on the specifics so we never got it together, thats totally on me man

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If I could, I'd like to take a moment to apologize for some of the things I said earlier in the thread about the Doughboys podcast. I am very sorry if you were offended by my very good, and true observation that Mike Mitchell is a big mama's boy baby man. Some of you were upset by my comments, and I could not be sorrier that you've chosen to feel that way. I know it's okay to be a shitty asshole about Box Angeles, Yo Is This Racist, Spontaneanation, You Made It Weird, and Kevin Pollack's Chat show, but if someone could shoot over the updated list of things it's okay to be a dick about on here, I think we could avoid mishaps like this in the future. Thanks a bunch, dipwads. Byeeeee.

 

I'm not sure anyone was saying you can't make fun of doughboys. Looking back it seems like the people were responding in a playful way.

That said, I wouldn't like to be called a dunder-head or not a sweetheart, so I can see why you responded this way.

I also wouldn't like to be called a bitch, multiple times, like what you called Mike Mitchell.

 

 

 

But seriously don't leave and I hope this doesn't come across as part of a pile on. Maybe you don't like the doughboys talk on here, but it doesn't take up too much space, scroll past it.

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Hayes studies the newspaper, looking for somewhere to go this weekend. The new movies all received bad reviews. Jerry Seinfeld is in town, but it’s sold out. A play could be interesting. He’s heard of Hello Dolly but doesn’t know anything about it. It’s been a while since Hayes has tried something new, and it’s been a while since he’s had time to spend with himself. He decides on the play and realizes he can make the next show if he heads out now. He slips on his shoes, musses his hair, and does a quick rinse with mouthwash. Tonight will be fun.

 

At the theatre, Hayes gets a seat in the middle of a row. He usually likes to sit on the end, but he’s trying not to let the discomfort make him anxious. He looks around, wondering who will occupy the seats next to his. He begins hoping for someone attractive or nice to talk to, but realizes it’s foolish. Besides he’s not ready to get into another relationship yet.

 

Hayes ends up seated next to an affectionate French couple on one side and, on the other, a 20-year-old kid who wants to leave from the second he sits down. Hayes wonders why he even attended, but decides it’s not worth thinking about; there’s no use trying to make sense of this ridiculous person. The house lights dim just as Hayes begins to seriously consider getting a look at the refreshments in the lobby. They’re probably no good anyway, he thinks. Ooh, I can check them out an intermission. This realization leaves Hayes smiling to himself, thinking about cookies, when the play begins.

 

Intermission. The house lights come up. Hayes stands up to exit the row. The 20-year-old next to him is sleeping. Hayes wonders if he’s here for a class assignment or if he perhaps has a relative in the play. He stops himself before making any further guesses. He doesn’t want to allow himself to obsess over something so insignificant. That never helps anything, he thinks. His mind jumps to a memory with Sean. When they held hands walking to Sean’s car after spending the weekend together. Before it all went wrong. Hayes gave Sean his gloves because he said he was cold and it was all Hayes had to offer him. He hoped Sean still had those gloves. He hoped Sean thought of him when he looked at them. At the concessions tray, Hayes takes a snickerdoodle and fills a small paper cup with coffee. He doesn’t care how it tastes. He just wants something new to focus on.

 

Hayes moves himself down the row and sits down in his seat, this time taking notice of the couple seated next to him. He can’t help but admire their unabashed affection toward one another. Maybe you have to be able to let go in front of others in order to truly be happy in your relationship. I never thought I could do that – the house lights go down. Hayes quickly finishes his thought, while aware that the plays dialogue will have more to offer him poetically. But maybe I should, he finishes.

 

The play lets out and Hayes decides to wait in his seat while the audience exits. There’s no reason to stand around waiting when he can sit instead. He remembers he has a quarter of his snickerdoodle in his jacket pocket. He takes it out and eats it lazily, allowing the crumbs to fall where they may. He watches the audience exiting the theatre, looking for someone to think about. An old woman with her granddaughter. An old man and his wife. I guess a lot of elderly people go to the theatre. Then he finds a man who looks enough like Sean to stir his emotions. He wants to feel this right now. He wants to miss Sean and to regret all that happened between them. He focuses on this man and takes note of all the differences between he and Sean. He’s around Sean’s height, but he stands straighter. His eyes are darker, his lips fuller. But he looks kind. He looks kind and I want him to love me. Hayes brushes the crumbs off of his shirt. It’s time to go. He wakes up the 20-year-old sleeping next to him and exits the row, having accomplished all that he’d hoped to.

 

I would like this more if it turned out that the sleeping guy was Sean.

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the lesson here is to be careful what you wish for gang.

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May all your butts smell nice and may all your trees have kites in them. That is my wish.

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May all your butts smell nice and may all your trees have kites in them. That is my wish.

 

That's a weird thing to say dude lmao

 

You trippin?

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May all your butts smell nice and may all your trees have kites in them. That is my wish.

 

Thanks for that, Lumberjim. I was having an awful day until I read your beautiful wish to us.

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Oh yeah? Well I wish that all your trees have kites in them and all your butts also have kites in them.

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