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Episode 143 - Gods of Egypt

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Erin Gibson and Bryan Safi of Throwing Shade podcast joins Paul and Jason in-studio to discuss the 2016 Fantasy film Gods of Egypt. Is it a good sign when the opening narration isn't confident in remembering the plot of the movie? What was the sphinx saying? Why doesn't Gerard Butler's accent stay consistent throughout the movie? All of this and more is covered as they get deep into this green screen adventure.

 

Come see How Did This Get Made LIVE in Anaheim as part of the Now Hear This Podcast Festival. Get tickets here: http://nowhearthisfest.com/

Get yourself a BB-8 “What Is Its Mission?” T-shirt or Tote Bag over at http://howdidthisgetmade.bigcartel.com

Where to Find Jason, June & Paul:

Paul, Jason and June appear in a new animated pilot BAD GUYS on Adult Swim watch and vote here http://adultswim.com/misc/pilots/

Paul’s new comedy Filthy Preppy Teen$ is now avail on the FullScreen and you can see June and Paul in their old show NTSF:SD:SUV:: on HULU. Paul also appears on Fresh off the Boat on ABC.

June stars in Grace and Frankie on Netflix, as well as Lady Dynamite alongside with Jason.

Jason can be seen in How to Be Single, Sleeping with Other People, and is still indeed in The Dictator.

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I saw this in theaters so I couldn't rewind to make sure but I swear that when they finally beat the Sphinx it literally says "Bollocks" or was it "bother".

 

I wonder how that word translates into hieroglyphics.

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Also I think movies with insane amounts of cgi put me to sleep because I don't normally fall asleep in a movie theater but I dozed off during the cgi final battle. And the only other time I fell asleep during a movie was that terrible "Dragon Wars" movie where they used the same quality cgi that was used in the Mortal Kombat movies.

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Finally they brought up Gods bleeding gold .... I thought that actually looked cool

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AN OPEN LETTER TO THE REDBOX CUSTOMER WHO RENTED GODS OF EGYPT BEFORE ME.

 

Dear Sir or Madam (Who am I kidding? Statistically, you’re most definitely a man.)

 

How could you? I mean: How. Could. You? Are you proud of yourself? I bet you are. I just bet you’re cackling gooey chunks of phlegm through your crooked, yellow teeth. Tell me, as you clutch your illicitly obtained copy of Gods of Egypt in your grubby little fingers, does the echoing of your tittering laughter frighten the neighborhood children as the pass over the rank and sludgy sewer you most certainly call home? I say this, because you, sir, are pure human excrement.

 

Oh? Who am I? My name is Cameron, you may have heard of me, although you may know me better by my pseudonym “Cameron H.” That’s right, motherfucker: That Cameron H.

 

 

jericho-missile.gif

 

 

Do I have your attention now? I thought so, motherfucker. I also happen to be the person who was both bamboozled and ill-used by your “clever” con and heinous larceny—you vacuous sack of dilophosaur spunk.

 

You see, months ago, I tried to watch Gods of Egypt. I enjoy the occasional shitty movie, and to that end, I spent six whole dollars to rent this turd of a film on Amazon Prime. However, I found it so utterly terrible in quality and so reprehensible in execution that I only got as far as seeing Geoffrey Rush appear on screen as an Egyptian God floating on what appeared to be an interstellar sailboat that I finally had to turn it off. I had to eat that cost, but I was fine with it believing that I had put this travesty of cinema behind me forever. Then, earlier this week, comedian, humanitarian, and all around raconteur, Paul Scheer announced that they would be covering this movie for the fabulous podcast, “How Did This Get Made.” Since discovering this inimitable show and catching up on its backlog, I have only failed to not watch the movie being covered twice—Sharknadoes Two and Three—and both of those were by choice. That means, since Ep 93 (Staying Alive), I have either rented, bought, or in some other way, legally watched nearly fifty terrible movies. A streak that has gone unbroken—until now.

 

When the inestimable Mr. Scheer announced this movie, I found myself unwilling to spend another six dollars on this movie, which would have nearly equaled the cost of buying the damn thing in the first place. So I buried my dignity deep down inside me and capitulated to ignominy, and I relented to renting it again—with the strict caveat that I wouldn’t spend more than two dollars to do so. Yesterday, ashamed and humiliated, I swallowed my pride, stood before that conspicuous scarlet box, pressed the appropriate buttons, and out popped, what I thought was, a copy of Gods of Egypt. Quickly, I grabbed the disc and scurried out of the area lest anyone witness my shameful act. And so it was, late last night, I entered a darkened room on the tips of toes as the rest of my household dreamt the untroubled dreams of the morally pure, slipped the disc into my device, and was greeted with the error, “DISC FORMAT INCOMPATIBLE WITH THIS DEVICE.” Confused, I ejected the disc, and it was then that I uncovered the result of your dastardly machinations.

 

Now, let me tell you who you are! You are the ingrown and infected pubic hair on an elephant’s taint-- the bilious, syphilitic canker on a baboon’s bare burgundy ass. You are the troglodytic, pus filled pustule of a “person” who rented a two hour, whitewashed, videogame cut scene that can best be described as the visual representation of what it must feel like to have a fatal embolism. You watched this and then thought to yourself, “This movie and I must never be parted.” You then proceeded to defraud both myself and the fine people of Redbox Inc. Sure, you could have just returned it and purchased it through legal means, but no, that just isn’t your style—you maggot filled scrotum. It wasn’t just any copy of Gods of Egypt, it had to be that copy. My copy. So what did you do? How did you perform this feat of ingenious villainy? Well, I’ll tell you. You carefully and meticulously pealed the barcode off the disc, a feat that probably took days judging from the attentive care you took, and stuck it on a blank DVD-R. This barcode, as you well know, is how Redbox is able to record when a title has been returned to one of their kiosks. It also makes it possible for that disc to be re-rented by poor, unsuspecting Redbox customers. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo. It was a plan worthy of the most nefarious of comic book villains, performed with the cold and detached premeditation of a sociopath.

 

Do you understand what this means? This means that you have effectively precluded me from engaging in the insightful, often hilarious, and intelligent dialogs I like to be a part of with the superlative folks over on the Earwolf forums on a near daily basis. Wonderful people like Taylor Anne Photo, Auden, Elektra Boogaloo, Quasar Sniffer, and others too numerous to mention, but no less beloved by me, who each have more integrity in one discarded toe nail clipping than you have in your entire, miserable body. And as they all laugh and rip apart the movie you hold so dear you felt the need to pilfer it, I’ll have to sit sullenly on the sidelines just wishing I could be part of the conversation. In and of itself, this transgression would be enough to warrant my eternal scorn, but that’s not even the end of my degradation.

 

Do you want to know what the worst part was--the part that eroded away my very sense of person? That moment came when, out of a sense of righteous justice, I had to register an account with Redbox to report your odious crime. And, in doing so, I had to sit in front of a goddamn computer screen and admit to another human being—openly and without prevarication—that, yes, I did intentionally rent a copy of Gods of Egypt, and yes, I was unhappy because I was unable to watch it. I did that. Me. Sure, the good people over at Redbox gave me a credit to rent another movie, and in registering for an account with them, another free rental to use in the future. But that doesn’t change the fact that for a for five soul mutilating minutes, the spotlight of judgement and recrimination was placed squarely on my shoulders, and wreathed as I was in that corona of admonishment, I was forced to stand in my truth. This is me, I had to admit. A person who not only wanted to watch Gods of Egypt but was willing to pay for the privilege to do so. Twice.

 

Of course, it wasn’t all out of a sense of justice that I reported you. No, sadly that would require a sense of innate altruism that, as a flawed and imperfect being, I simply do not possess. In all honesty, I really didn’t want to return the movie and have the next sad, unfortunate soul to try and rent this movie blame me for your misdeed. I mean, you realize this is all easily trackable, right? That’s what the barcodes are for. They just need to match the barcode with the credit card that rented it before me. Which…should lead them directly to you—that is unless you used a stolen credit card. But somehow, I just don’t see you as the type of person who might have even considered that as an option. And if it was a stolen card, why wouldn’t you just use it to buy a brand new copy of Gods of Egypt--free of all the greasy, dick-prints that I assume all Redbox discs must be covered with? No. Again, that’s just not your style. Your intention was to hurt and humiliate, and I’m sad to say, you succeeded.

 

So enjoy the fruits of your ill-gotten gain, although, I fear your time together may soon be over. I don’t pretend to possess the Messianic benevolence of the people over at the Redbox Corporation. For all I know, they may view the life of one as enamored by the pomp and spectacle of Gods of Egypt, as you evidentially are, as a life too pathetic and deplorable to prosecute. However, I am not so benevolent, and for my part, you will not find me so forgiving. For the emotional pain, anguish, and abasement that I was forced to endure, I truly hope that you are met with full might and holy wrath of Redbox’s Loss Prevention team. And as you are forced to endure the morally questionable, but highly effective, interrogation techniques of Redbox’s elite team of inquisitors, I hope they contact me. I hope they call me as I am listening or re-listening to my favorite podcast discuss a movie, that because of your vile and opprobrious actions, I was unable to see, just so I can legally purchase your copy of Gods of Egypt from them and watch in joy as the feeling of irrevocable loss contorts your face into a mirror of your misshapen soul as I snap it in twain in front of your stupid, ugly face.

 

Yours Sincerely,

 

Cameron “Cameron H” H.

 

P.S. No. I have not considered renting it again. It has already brought too much misery in my life.

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Sorry dudes, I'm gonna nerd-out and go Deep into Egyptian Mythology because no matter how ridiculous this movie is, it is in no way as NEXT LEVEL BONKERS as its ostensible source material.

 

For example, Horus was the result of a magical birth because his father, Osiris, was murdered by Set and dismembered before he was born. His mother, Isis, then reconstructed the corpse of Osiris but, finding the phallus missing, fashioned a golden penis and attached it to Osiris then, well, went to town on that Sweet Golden D. Thus, Horus was born.

 

Horus would subsequently vow vengeance on Set, murderer of his father. This conflict included an episode in which Set attempted to seduce and inseminate Horus (his nephew), but Horus fooled Set by catching the semen in his hand before it entered his body. Horus then spread the semen over all the lettuce in the land, lettuce being the favorite food of Set. This is pretty damn gross, but I do wonder what the health benefits might be for ingesting god semen.... and lettuce is a pretty lame food for the god of chaos, the dessert, and storms to regard as his favorite. Well, Set being Set, he ate up all the lettuce, thus consuming vast amounts of his own semen.

 

ANYWAY, Set, still thinking he had raped his own nephew, bragged to the rest of the gods about his, uh, accomplishment, and asked the gods to summon that semen from the body of Horus as proof. The semen, being inside Set, was summoned from his own body, humiliating him in front of the gods. Egyptian Mythology: from familial rape to a disgusting fraternity prank in just a few easy steps!

 

Set was still unwilling to relent in his conflict with Horus so, to stop the eighty years of war, the two gods agreed to settle the conflict with a boat race using boats made of stone. Horus, always smarter than his asshole uncle, just built his boat out of wood and painted it to look like stone. Set's stone boat promptly sunk because he is a chump and he lost the race. Because I guess losing a boat race is more humiliating than being exposed as a rapist and eating his own semen, Set acquiesced the throne of Egypt to Horus.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO THE REDBOX CUSTOMER WHO RENTED GODS OF EGYPT BEFORE ME.

 

Dear Sir or Madam (Who am I kidding? Statistically, you’re most definitely a man.)

 

How could you? I mean: How. Could. You? Are you proud of yourself? I bet you are. I just bet you’re cackling gooey chunks of phlegm through your crooked, yellow teeth. Tell me, as you clutch your illicitly obtained copy of Gods of Egypt in your grubby little fingers, does the echoing of your tittering laughter frighten the neighborhood children as the pass over the rank and sludgy sewer you most certainly call home? I say this, because you, sir, are pure human excrement.

 

Oh? Who am I? My name is Cameron, you may have heard of me, although you may know me better by my pseudonym “Cameron H.” That’s right, motherfucker: That Cameron H.

 

 

jericho-missile.gif

 

 

Do I have your attention now? I thought so, motherfucker. I also happen to be the person who was both bamboozled and ill-used by your “clever” con and heinous larceny—you vacuous sack of dilophosaur spunk.

 

You see, months ago, I tried to watch Gods of Egypt. I enjoy the occasional shitty movie, and to that end, I spent six whole dollars to rent this turd of a film on Amazon Prime. However, I found it so utterly terrible in quality and so reprehensible in execution that I only got as far as seeing Geoffrey Rush appear on screen as an Egyptian God floating on what appeared to be an interstellar sailboat that I finally had to turn it off. I had to eat that cost, but I was fine with it believing that I had put this travesty of cinema behind me forever. Then, earlier this week, comedian, humanitarian, and all around raconteur, Paul Scheer announced that they would be covering this movie for the fabulous podcast, “How Did This Get Made.” Since discovering this inimitable show and catching up on its backlog, I have only failed to not watch the movie being covered twice—Sharknado’s Two and Three—and both of those were by choice. That means, since Ep 93 (Staying Alive), I have either rented, bought, or in some other way, legally watched nearly fifty terrible movies. A streak that has gone unbroken—until now.

 

When the inestimable Mr. Scheer announced this movie, I found myself unwilling to spend another six dollars on this movie, which would have nearly equaled the cost of buying the damn thing in the first place. So I buried my dignity deep down inside me and capitulated to ignominy, and I relented to renting it again—with the strict caveat that I wouldn’t spend more than two dollars to do so. Yesterday, ashamed and humiliated, I swallowed my pride, stood before that conspicuous scarlet box, pressed the appropriate buttons, and out popped, what I thought was, a copy of Gods of Egypt. Quickly, I grabbed the disc and scurried out of the area lest anyone witness my shameful act. And so it was, late last night, I entered a darkened room on the tips of toes as the rest of my household dreamt the untroubled dreams of the morally pure, slipped the disc into my device, and was greeted with the error, “DISC FORMAT INCOMPATIBLE WITH THIS DEVICE.” Confused, I ejected the disc, and it was then uncovered result of your dastardly machinations.

 

Now, let me tell you who you are! You are the ingrown and infected pubic hair on an elephant’s taint-- the bilious, syphilitic canker on a baboon’s bare burgundy ass. You are the troglodytic, pus filled pustule of a “person” who rented a two hour, whitewashed, videogame cut scene that can best be described as the visual representation of what it must feel like to have a fatal embolism. You watched this and then thought to yourself, “This movie and I must never be parted.” You then proceeded to defraud both myself and the fine people of Redbox Inc. Sure, you could have just returned it and purchased it through legal means, but no, that just isn’t your style—you maggot filled scrotum. It wasn’t just any copy of Gods of Egypt, it had to be that copy. My copy. So what did you do? How did you perform this feat of ingenious villainy? Well, I’ll tell you. You carefully and meticulously pealed the barcode off the disc, a feat that probably took days judging from the attentive care you took, and stuck it on a blank DVD-R. This barcode, as you well know, is how Redbox is able to record when a title has been returned to one of their kiosks. It also makes it possible for that disc to be re-rented by poor, unsuspecting Redbox customers. Bravo. Bra-fucking-vo. It was a plan worthy of the most nefarious of comic book villains, performed with the cold and detached premeditation of a sociopath.

 

Do you understand what this means? This means that you have effectively precluded me from engaging in the insightful, often hilarious, and intelligent dialogs I like to be a part of with the superlative folks over on the Earwolf forums on nearly daily basis. Wonderful people like Taylor Anne Photo, Auden, Elektra Boogaloo, Quasar Sniffer, and others too numerous to mention, but no less beloved by me, who each have more integrity in one discarded toe nail clipping than you have in your entire, miserable body. And as they all laugh and rip apart the movie you hold so dear you felt the need to pilfer it, I’ll have to sit sullenly on the sidelines just wishing I could be part of the conversation. In and of itself, this transgression would be enough to warrant my eternal scorn, but that’s not even the end of my degradation.

 

Do you want to know what the worst part was--the part that eroded away my very sense of person? That moment came when, out of a sense of righteous justice, I had to register an account with Redbox to report your odious crime. And, in doing so, I had to sit in front of a goddamn computer screen and admit to another human being—openly and without prevarication—that, yes, I did intentionally rent a copy of Gods of Egypt, and yes, I was unhappy because I was unable to watch it. I did that. Me. Sure, the good people over at Redbox gave me a credit to rent another movie, and in registering for an account with them, another free rental to use in the future. But that doesn’t change the fact that for a for five soul mutilating minutes, the spotlight of judgement and recrimination was placed squarely on my shoulders, and wreathed as I was in that corona of admonishment, I was forced to stand in my truth. This is me, I had to admit. A person who not only wanted to watch Gods of Egypt but was willing to pay for the privilege to do so. Twice.

 

Of course, it wasn’t all out of a sense of justice that I reported you. No, sadly that would require a sense of innate altruism that, as a flawed and imperfect being, I simply do not possess. In all honesty, I really didn’t want to return the movie and have the next sad, unfortunate soul to try and rent this movie blame me for your misdeed. I mean, you realize this is all easily trackable, right? That’s what the barcodes are for. They just need to match the barcode with the credit card that rented it before me. Which…should lead them directly to you—that is unless you used a stolen credit card. But somehow, I just don’t see you as the type of person who might have even considered that as an option. And if it was a stolen card, why wouldn’t you just use it to buy a brand new copy of Gods of Egypt--free of all the greasy, dick-prints that I assume all Redbox discs must be covered with? No. Again, that’s just not your style. Your intention was to hurt and humiliate, and I’m sad to say, you succeeded.

 

So enjoy the fruits of your ill-gotten gain, although, I fear your time together may soon be over. I don’t pretend to possess the Messianic benevolence of the people over at the Redbox Corporation. For all I know, they may view the life of one as enamored by the pomp and spectacle of Gods of Egypt, as you evidentially are, as a life too pathetic and deplorable to prosecute. However, I am not so benevolent, and for my part, you will not find me so forgiving. For the emotional pain, anguish, and abasement that I was forced to endure, I truly hope that you are met with full might and holy wrath of Redbox’s Loss Prevention team. And as you are forced to endure the morally questionable, but highly effective, interrogation techniques of Redbox’s elite team of inquisitors, I hope they contact me. I hope they call me as I am listening or re-listening to my favorite podcast discuss a movie, that because of your vile and opprobrious actions, I was unable to see, just so I can legally purchase your copy of Gods of Egypt from them and watch in joy as the feeling of irrevocable loss contorts your face into a mirror of your misshapen soul as I snap it in twain in front of your stupid, ugly face.

 

Yours Sincerely,

 

Cameron “Cameron H” H.

 

P.S. No. I have not considered renting it again. It has already brought too much misery in my life.

 

I want this WHOLE THING recited by Jason on the next mini-episode.

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Also I think movies with insane amounts of cgi put me to sleep because I don't normally fall asleep in a movie theater but I dozed off during the cgi final battle. And the only other time I fell asleep during a movie was that terrible "Dragon Wars" movie where they used the same quality cgi that was used in the Mortal Kombat movies.

 

Do sequences whose characters are obviously practical effects, like kaiju suits or stop-motion in Harryhausen movies, also put you to sleep?

 

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Of course by all current human standards this is an objectively bad movie. But then the movie showed Ra pulling the sun around the flat disc Earth and I realized this movie isn't for us. And it isn't for international audiences. It was made for ancient Egyptians. I don't know how they plan to get this movie back to 1500 BC but when they do they've got a blockbuster on their hands.

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Of course by all current human standards this is an objectively bad movie. But then the movie showed Ra pulling the sun around the flat disc Earth and I realized this movie isn't for us. And it isn't for international audiences. It was made for ancient Egyptians. I don't know how they plan to get this movie back to 1500 BC but when they do they've got a blockbuster on their hands.

 

Just put it on columns!

 

FN4tDkD.png

(from Richard Williams' The Animator's Survival Kit, page 12)

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Do sequences whose characters are obviously practical effects, like kaiju suits or stop-motion in Harryhausen movies, also put you to sleep?

 

[media='']

[/media]

 

Hell no stop-motion turns me on. I get rock hard everytime I watch Wallace & Gromit or The Lost World.

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I apologize for not posting anything Gods of Egypt related right off the bat but my friend created something EPIC for us and he gave me permission to post it here since he doesn't have an earwolf account.

 

m5iJhrD.jpg

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I saw this in theaters so I couldn't rewind to make sure but I swear that when they finally beat the Sphinx it literally says "Bollocks" or was it "bother".

 

I wonder how that word translates into hieroglyphics.

I thought it said Bollocks as well but I turned on the subs and it was indeed Bother

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Yours Sincerely,

 

Cameron “Cameron H” H.

 

P.S. No. I have not considered renting it again. It has already brought too much misery in my life.

 

This is an excellent decision. The movie's listed running time is 7,560 seconds. Of those there is literally 1 second that I am glad I saw.

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I thought it said Bollocks as well but I turned on the subs and it was indeed Bother

Still is a very British thing for a Sphinx to say.
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Still is a very British thing for a Sphinx to say.

At least they were consistent with their UK/Australia invasion.

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haven't listened to the episode yet, just posting to say how happy I am that they're trashing this racist ass movie

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haven't listened to the episode yet, just posting to say how happy I am that they're trashing this racist ass movie

 

I noticed that the URL of the episode was "gods-of-egypt-2" and was wondering why the "2" was there if the crew has never done the movie before. Was there a hidden previous version of the podcast episode, something like the Clive Mantle Nuclear Man of HDTGM? But no, removing the 2 reveals that the movie has been on another Earwolf podcast... literally called "Yo, Is This Racist?" http://www.earwolf.c...e/gods-of-egypt

Presumably the answer this time is "Yo, this IS racist!"

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A few things you guys missed, didn't mention or maybe didn't know:

 

Erin constantly referring to Set as Seth was funny and accurate. Some translations of the name Set are spelled as "Seth" however, I think it is still pronounced "Set" with the "h" being silent- not sure about the pronunciation.

 

 

The riddle of the Sphinx is a Greek myth, not Egyptian. It's the classic riddle which has different forms but is basically related as, ""What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three in the evening?" with the answer being, "man." So not only did the movie miss the mark on Egyptian myth, it also messed up Greek myth as well.

 

You guys touched on the elevator ride. During this scene, Rufus Sewell taunts baby Bon Jovi. As BBJ moves to kill Rufus, Horus stops him. "We need him to get to the top," Horus says-but why? The architect is not at a control panel or working any levers. The elevator is just a flat platform rising with the three of them standing on it. Then, the importance of Rufus Sewell is completely negated when BBJ not only kills him but their fight destroys the elevator in the process.

 

I didn't quite understand whether Ra was immortal or not. Even though the gods-Horus, Set and the rest- called humans "mortals" we saw that they can die however, Ra survives Set's sword to the chest. This makes me think that Ra cannot be killed but, Ra tells Set that he has been testing him to be Ra's replacement fighting the smoke monster worm after Ra dies. also, Horus magically knows Ra is alive- does he sense it or does he know that Ra can't die? Now that Set is dead, who will replace Ra? does anyone need to replace Ra if he is immortal? Maybe Ra just wants to retire?

 

You guys questioned the concern of Horus' girlfriend with BBJ being in love. She does mention that she is the goddess of love so, it kind of makes sense that she was worried about BBJ getting his lost love back.

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First off, I want to saw that I had to watch this movie in three parts because I fell asleep twice while watching it. I kept checking the time and thinking "There's still an hour left in this movie? This movie is two hours long?!" I felt like it lasted for like five hours.

 

I also felt that the visual effects were horrible. They kept wavering back and forth between "decent" and "trash." For example, I thought the Gods' armor looked really cool but then the elevator scene looked like something from a pre-ride show at Disney World or Universal Studios.

 

And yeah, apparently this movie and Mad Max: Fury Road shared a lot of the same cast and crew. Interesting that this movie was such crap and Mad Max was awesome.

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I want this WHOLE THING recited by Jason on the next mini-episode.

 

Or Gerard Butler, once he's under HDTGM management. I feel he portrays anger well.

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I really hate it when historical/fantasy epics are 'off' with dialogue. I haven't seen Gods of Egypt but I did watch ITV Beowulf Return To The Sheildlands and the speech in that was pretty bizarre.

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Of course by all current human standards this is an objectively bad movie. But then the movie showed Ra pulling the sun around the flat disc Earth and I realized this movie isn't for us. And it isn't for international audiences. It was made for ancient Egyptians. I don't know how they plan to get this movie back to 1500 BC but when they do they've got a blockbuster on their hands.

 

Oh hey, I found a review of this movie from 1500BC.

(sorry it's huge)

 

485590.jpg

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