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Episode 50 — Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt 2

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I know I'm late to the game here. I just wanted to point out before you guys start to believe the Jacob/Renesmee plot is them being just friends or like family: no way, not at all.

 

In the book, there's a scene in which Carlisle uses ridiculous pseudo-science nonsense to try to explain what Renesmee is going to be like. He says that since humans have 23 chromosomes and vampires have 25, Renesmee will have 24. So why does Stephanie Meyer even bother bringing this up? Because she goes on to explain that werewolves have 24 chromosomes, which is her way of implying that Renesmee and Jacob are capable of having biological offspring. Now, ignoring the fact that this totally isn't how procreation works, this sets up that Jacob and Renesmee are meant to be in a sexual relationship.

 

Also, it's explained in the book way better than in the movies that imprinting is some sort of animal instinct-like thing which is meant to ensure that the werewolf species lives on, which means that imprinting is specifically designed to keep werewolves procreating. So again, even if Jacob and Renesmee's relationship doesn't immediately start as sexual, it is expected from all involved to lead to a sexual relationship. You know, like child grooming, but ten times creepier.

 

In short, as Jason said last time, "he's gonna fuck that baby".

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Okay, I need a little clarification here. So from what I have heard about these movies, when Bella gets pregnant with Renesmee (spelling?), they have this weird conversation where Edward seems to want her to have a vampbortion, but she says no. Then, when the baby is actually born, her adult best friend Jacob sees the baby and essentially werejaculates all over the baby, symbolically tying the baby to him for all time, correct?

So, here is the question I both hope someone can answer for me and feel disturbed that someone will be able to answer for me: When people have talked about the vampire decapitations, they have said that they were kind of bloodless, I am assuming to keep the movie rated PG-13. But then, going by that logic, it would lead me to believe that vampires do not have blood or the tranditional bodily fluids associated with being human. So my question is, if vampires do not have bodily fluids then how does Bella get pregnant in the first place?!? Is Edward's weird vampire superpower sparkly, womb penetrating sperm? Is this addressed at any point, or is the audience just left to jump to their own conclusions, like "EDWARD + BELLA = OTP - Of course she magically gets pregnant with his vampire baby!!"

I realize that picking apart the logic of a Twilight movie is probably a new low for me, but this has really stuck in my craw.

Seriously, what is happening, people?

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@ Wien: perfect idea.

 

 

Seriously, everytime I'm watching football and one of the commentators talks about how a wide receiver bobbles a catch, I always go into my "Pete Holmes doing Al Pacino from 88 Minutes" voice and go "what if... what if I do.... like a bobble."

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Seriously, everytime I'm watching football and one of the commentators talks about how a wide receiver bobbles a catch, I always go into my "Pete Holmes doing Al Pacino from 88 Minutes" voice and go "what if... what if I do.... like a bobble."

:lol:

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I know I'm late to the game here. I just wanted to point out before you guys start to believe the Jacob/Renesmee plot is them being just friends or like family: no way, not at all.

 

In the book, there's a scene in which Carlisle uses ridiculous pseudo-science nonsense to try to explain what Renesmee is going to be like. He says that since humans have 23 chromosomes and vampires have 25, Renesmee will have 24. So why does Stephanie Meyer even bother bringing this up? Because she goes on to explain that werewolves have 24 chromosomes, which is her way of implying that Renesmee and Jacob are capable of having biological offspring. Now, ignoring the fact that this totally isn't how procreation works, this sets up that Jacob and Renesmee are meant to be in a sexual relationship.

 

Also, it's explained in the book way better than in the movies that imprinting is some sort of animal instinct-like thing which is meant to ensure that the werewolf species lives on, which means that imprinting is specifically designed to keep werewolves procreating. So again, even if Jacob and Renesmee's relationship doesn't immediately start as sexual, it is expected from all involved to lead to a sexual relationship. You know, like child grooming, but ten times creepier.

 

In short, as Jason said last time, "he's gonna fuck that baby".

I always though that an extra chromosome led to Down Syndrome or something. I forget what it was exactly, but I had just learned about how having extra chromosomes was a BAD thing right before the movie "Doom" came out, and wouldn't you know it, an extra chromosome was the source of power for THOSE monsters as well. Man, that would have been a much more interesting film, The Rock and Karl Urban taking down an entire planet full of Downs Syndrome patients...

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I'd love to hear Marissa Wompler's take on what Paul is doing in that group photo.

 

He's "Womping it up!"

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Seriously, everytime I'm watching football and one of the commentators talks about how a wide receiver bobbles a catch, I always go into my "Pete Holmes doing Al Pacino from 88 Minutes" voice and go "what if... what if I do.... like a bobble."

 

I really hope that Pete is the guest for that episode as his Pacino impression was one of my favorite moments of listening to HDTGM.

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Okay, I need a little clarification here. So from what I have heard about these movies, when Bella gets pregnant with Renesmee (spelling?), they have this weird conversation where Edward seems to want her to have a vampbortion, but she says no. Then, when the baby is actually born, her adult best friend Jacob sees the baby and essentially werejaculates all over the baby, symbolically tying the baby to him for all time, correct?

So, here is the question I both hope someone can answer for me and feel disturbed that someone will be able to answer for me: When people have talked about the vampire decapitations, they have said that they were kind of bloodless, I am assuming to keep the movie rated PG-13. But then, going by that logic, it would lead me to believe that vampires do not have blood or the tranditional bodily fluids associated with being human. So my question is, if vampires do not have bodily fluids then how does Bella get pregnant in the first place?!? Is Edward's weird vampire superpower sparkly, womb penetrating sperm? Is this addressed at any point, or is the audience just left to jump to their own conclusions, like "EDWARD + BELLA = OTP - Of course she magically gets pregnant with his vampire baby!!"

I realize that picking apart the logic of a Twilight movie is probably a new low for me, but this has really stuck in my craw.

Seriously, what is happening, people?

 

They totally talk about this in the book, but briefly. Basically Edward's semen was replaced by special venom-y semen that makes half human, half vampire babies.

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werejaculates

 

Bravo!

 

AMAZING episode, possibly my favorite HDTGM ever. Since Paul brought it up and they couldn't get it here, ten or fifteen minutes from June would be great for the next minisode.

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Also, I can't wait to hear the Devil's Advocate episode to hear about the mix of insanity that is Keanu and Pacino, priceless.

 

The funniest part of this movie is Keanu's southern accent. But I remember loving this movie as a kid because the Medical Examiner from Law and Order SVU shows a little boobie. I think Jason, who has been deprived of boobies thus far in the movies they reviewed, will be masturbating furiously to this one.

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The funniest part of this movie is Keanu's southern accent. But I remember loving this movie as a kid because the Medical Examiner from Law and Order SVU shows a little boobie. I think Jason, who has been deprived of boobies thus far in the movies they reviewed, will be masturbating furiously to this one.

 

Yeah this movie ends up being pretty tit friendly, almost all the main female stars show boob.

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"You've never even been in battle you dumb dildo!"

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This was a terrific episode. Doug keeps up with Paul and Jason like a champ.

 

I personally find Carlisle and the rest of the Cullens infinitely more interesting than Bella and Edward. Why would someone create a story filled with interesting background characters, but focus on the two most boring people ever?!

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To clear up some confusion:

 

Renesme is Rene plus Esme. Rene is Bella's mom and Esme is Edwards "mom." If it was a boy she was going to name it Edward Jacob.

 

Girls can be wolves, Leah Clearwater is one. The woman that not Tom Skerritt is dating is not a wolf but knows about them and knows about the Volturi coming.

 

Imprinting can happen with other people besides wolves.

 

Renesme's power is to show others things she has seen in the past with the touch of a hand. When she is touching people it is showing them that she has aged over time, unlike immortal children which don't age and can't control their thirst and tantrums.

 

That guy Alice hangs out with is Jasper not Julian.

 

They don't explain in the movies that the wolves don't age as long as there are vampires around, so as long as Jacob is with Renesme, Bella and Edward he will stay immortal along with them allowing him to be with Renesme forever. The idea is they are in love.

 

In the book there was no fight at all, so people who have read the book (like myself) were freaked out, when Aro ripped Carlsile's head off it was literally bonkers.

 

Actually there IS a fight in the book because Bella uses her big bubble to protect them all. but no one major dies and there is no "show me the future" scene.

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Ayge goddamn this was a hard episode to get through though the bit about the wolf guy taking his pants off in front of some girls dad had me laughing. Past that this was fucking hard to follow, I will never watch a Twilight movie but whatever, fuck this shit. I think you guys need to review some more cult flicks like Sleepaway Camp. Check out the films of Lucio Fulci, mainly The New York Ripper, the most perved out sleazy slasher film of all time, or Don't Torture A Duckling about a child murderer in small town Italy. Also see THE PIT about a perverted little boy with a talking teddy bear and pit full of flesh eating trolls (not to be confused with The Gate) from the 80s or The Stabilizer.

 

Also I'm going to compile a list of factual errors cause goddamn you fucking get shit wrong constantly!

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I wouldn't say they got too much stuff wrong. Sure, they kept calling Jasper Jerome, but it's not like Jasper was a huge part of the movie. The movie is not made for people unfamiliar with the franchise. They'll introduce a character or concept and come back to it an hour or movie later and assume everyone knows exactly who/what they're talking about. Until Paul, Jason, and Doug brought it up, I had no idea that werewolves didn't age around vampires. So I had no idea Jacob was as immortal as the rest of them at this point. The movie doesn't do a good job explaining things because they assume the people watching know the source material 100%.

 

That being said, the battle scene was one of the best battles I've ever seen. It was bananas and awesome.

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Hey guys, hope I'm not too late, but I wanted to reply to Jason's request that a Mormon weigh in on whether or not 'imprinting' is based on some tenet of LDS doctrine, where young girls are assigned protectors for the rest of their life. It's not.

 

I don't know much about Twilight but I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints all my life. While some of elements from Twilight seem to be influenced by the author's religion, such as abstinence before marriage, or families being sealed together forever (in this case as vampires though), I think a lot more of the series is influenced by what I'd call "bizarre housewife fantasy." Especially imprinting, which, to use Jason's expression, is bananas.

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By the way, Doug's Droopy Dog IS. THE. BEST.

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I feel really sorry for the screenwriter/s that were told by Lionsgate they had to come up with two movies worth of material for a book that really has less going on plotwise than even the first Harry Potter. No wonder they had to have a ridiculously long closing credits sequence, and create an extended battle scene that wasn't in the books.

 

Seems like a pretty transparent attempt by the studio to simply bilk another $700,000 out of their audience. But hey, silver lining, we got another excellent episode of HDTGM.

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When Jason mentions she becomes real at seven in my head I pictured an article titled "Comedian Jason Mantzoukas takes a hard line on the abortion debate, declares conception begins at seven years old!" on some yahoo/gawker/etc site haha.

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I feel really sorry for the screenwriter/s that were told by Lionsgate they had to come up with two movies worth of material for a book that really has less going on plotwise than even the first Harry Potter. No wonder they had to have a ridiculously long closing credits sequence, and create an extended battle scene that wasn't in the books.

 

Seems like a pretty transparent attempt by the studio to simply bilk another $700,000 out of their audience. But hey, silver lining, we got another excellent episode of HDTGM.

I think you're missing a zero or three, but you're right. On a related note, it's funny how no matter how much a movie makes, how many movies there are in a series, or how much they market the shit out of them, some people still won't know what they are, because I still have people walking into my theater that don't know what ANYTHING is. In the last couple of weeks, I've had a few "What's that Breaking Dawn Part 2 movie", and loving to make things difficult for people, I said "Well, it's the second Breaking Dawn film". "Oh...", they say. To which I add "Yeah, and it's like the fifth Twilight movie. They've each made a half a billion dollars or so". Blank stares...

 

There's also been WAY too much confusion between this and another movie with "Dawn" in it's title that's currently also in theaters. I figure if you're there to see one or the other, you KNOW the difference between your dawns. One's a Twilight movie, and the other's a remake of a movie that's been on TV every day of your life that you've seen at least 14 times, whether you meant to or not.

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I think you're missing a zero or three,

 

You're right, it should be $700, 000, 000. I blame this error on my subconscious attempting to protect me from how successful these films were so I don't go insane.

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