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Hey everyone who comes here just to rip on a guest, Nobody cares. Talk about the movies. thanks

This has NOTHING to do with Van Hesling other than being a total train wreck but Lori Loughlin signed Rad memorabilia on her way to fucking court. It needed to be shared http://dlisted.com/2019/04/03/lori-loughlin-signed-autographs-and-posed-for-pictures-in-advance-of-her-operation-varsity-blues-court-appearance/#more-332060

I watched this movie like 4 days ago and I have no idea what any of you are talking about

I think one of the most absurd exchanges in the movie has to be when Van Helsing offers his condolences for the deaths of Beckinsale’s father and brother and she responds: “I will see them again. We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.” I mean, yeah, but isn’t the whole reason he was sent to Transylvania in the first place because, for her family specifically, there isn’t a bright side to death? Nine generations of her family are currently in Hell having toothpicks covered in Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust shoved up their pee holes or some shit. The same horrifying eternity that’s very much awaiting her if she can’t get her shit together and kill Community Theater Dracula and his unholy clutch of sweaty, vampire egg sacs once and for all. So, yeah, maybe your run-of-the-mill, dirt farming Transylvanian can afford to be a bit blasé about death, but I think in her case, she can afford to be a tad more pessimistic.

So I think Amy's interpretation of the ending is completely at odds with what the movie has to say. Here's this Tramp who has nothing, sleeping on a statute, and he happens upon a wealthy man who seemingly has everything to live for, but is really a suicidal alcoholic. In my interpretation, the Tramp sees the pain the rich man is in, and sees him as a person (not just some wealthy schmuck), and it's that humanity that forges their unlikely friendship. And of course, the flower girl is blind, and only thinks the Tramp is rich because she hears the car door when they first meet, and he takes her around in the car, but when she goes home to her grandmother she says he's rich, but he's "so much more" than that. Despite being blind, she gets to know him as he really is. Then, after he's worked to get her sight back, and she sees him for the first time, I interpret her reaction to understand that his gift to her meant so much more because he was poor and, though he could have used that money for himself, he used it to get her sight. And then when she ends with something like, "yes, I can see now" she sees not just his appearance, but who he is as a man, as a person, as someone who loves her and cares for her, when it seems no one but her Grandmother even gave her a second look. So if she rejects him because she sees him, it ruins the whole point of the plot.

henry, it is that guy, that tim guy you like? same guy. tim hendeckhiminerman.

hayes we're all jealous of baby.

henry I think this is that same tim guy you really like. i'm going to internet look him up so I know for sure. check back later. love, susan oopermin

When we’re first introduced to Beckinsale and her lover-brother, they are in the midst of setting a trap to kill Dracula’s werewolf henchman. Their plan consists of an intricate trapdoor, cage, and block and tackle system which, unsurprisingly, goes immediately awry as soon as the trap is sprung. In the ensuing chaos, lover-brother drops his gun to the ground and he urgently shouts down to the twelve or so villagers shooting ineffectually at the werewolf that they must find his gun. Beckinsale then helpfully informs us and her cadre of peons that her sexy brother’s gun is the only gun loaded with silver bullets. Okay, right, so let’s just set aside for a moment the fact that these poor, hick villagers have been woefully under apprised of the situation - which, if you think about it, is pretty damn unconscionable. And, like, I totally get that silver might be a tough resource to come by when you live in the middle of bumfuck Transylvania. But seriously? Come on, guys! You ventured deep into the Forbidden Forrest with the express purpose of hunting werewolves and you only brought one gun loaded with silver bullets? Not only that, but a major part of your “plan” involved entrusting the single effective weapon you possessed to the person whose job description was “Bait.” As in, the individual most likely to die first if/when things go sideways. Aren't Beckinsale and her brother supposed to be, like, 9th generation monster hunters or something? Shouldn’t they be good at this? What’s with this bush league trash? No wonder they can’t freakin’ kill TRESemmé Dracula. I mean, look, I’m not saying that their family deserves to rot in Hell for all eternity for being a bunch of shitty, no talent demon hunters, but...I’m not exactly saying that they don’t deserve that either.

One thing that makes the choice of having the opening black and white flashback set just ONE YEAR before the main events of the film so damn stupid is that the novel 'Frankenstein' was published in 1818, fully 70 years before 'Van Helsing' takes place! Why not have this flashback take place in 1818, then jump forward to 1887? That way, it's slightly more reasonable for Frankenstein's monster to be buried and forgotten, and gives more credence to the Creature's immortality, which is why Dracula is so interested in him in the first place. Instead, the movie actively changes the setting of this classic novel and the result is something worse. I guess I should not be shocked that the people who made this movie have not read a book.

I dunno, it’s not even on page 1!

I'm hoping she goes cynical about Snow White tomorrow

Real progress is hating everyone that guests on the show.

At least it wasn't the woman this time.

I’m sorry if he wasn’t your cup of tea, but I liked him very much. For me, Seth’s enthusiasm is infectious, and I would love for him to become a regular guest like Adam Scott. In fact, I enjoyed all of their guests on this episode. I feel like Ben brought as much as he wanted/needed to, and it was all great.

Please no more Seth Rogan. His constant laughing at himself would only be funny if you're high, and probably not even then.

I think this is an example of how this movie would be improved if both Jackman and Beckinsale were shown to be good at their jobs. Like, show them slaying werewolves, vamps, and other classic monstrosities, or better yet, turning them back to normal humans. Because this movie is already bloated enough, maybe we could skip these scenes and give them both a trophy room of vampire fangs and stuffed werewolf heads, showing their slaying prowess. So when neither of them can defeat Dracula and his forces individually, it gives cause to our sexy stars to marshall their forces. It would also sell Dracula as a uniquely powerful and dangerous foe. Instead, you have Van Helsing, with all the resources of the Vatican, and Anna, with generations of skill and experience, feeling at every encounter with the supernatural like they're corseted Keystone Cops.

Then he was complicit and I’m fucking glad Van Helsing hurled him off of Notre Dame

ooh! I've actually already seen the original one and really liked it. It (and maybe the Judy Garland version) might be available when the Criterion Channel launches in 6 days. Not that I'm counting down....

I want to write a bit on Dracula’s peasant farming and its long term sustainability. We’re told that they only take “one or two [villagers] a month.” Or, as Dracula puts it, just enough to sustain them. First of all, I’m not sure if by “one or two” villagers per month they mean per vampire or if one or two villagers is the number of villagers required to comfortably feed a family of four adult vampires for an entire month. Since the movie’s phrasing is ambiguous, let’s err on the conservative side and say they share their victims. This means that each year, at the very least, somewhere between 12 and 24 villagers are devoured by the undead. I mean, that might not sound like a lot, but that’s a huge number - especially for a tiny village in the Romanian hinterlands. And while I admit I don’t exactly have the census information for the town on hand, based on what is shown in the movie, I would estimate that the town doesn’t have more than maybe 200 people in it. At one or two persons per month, that means that each year 6-12% of their total population is killed off by Dracula and his wives. To put that into perspective, if you were to apply the same percentage to modern day America, 6-12% would make “death by vampire” the third leading cause of death behind Heart Disease (23.4%) and Cancer (22.5%). Their harvesting of souls also doesn’t take into account for death from natural causes, accidents, or homicidal undertakers. And furthermore, at that rate of death, it would be impossible for the villagers to breed fast enough to create a state of equilibrium. Although, I suspect birth rates would drop precipitously. After all, what’s the point of having children if they’re destined to be chattel for your demonic overlords? What all this means is that in less than a decade, these four vampires will have completely exhausted their food supply. Of course, this is all assuming that Van Helsing never arrives and they are able maintain their status quo. Once “thousands” of baby vampires are unleashed upon the world, each eating at least a quarter human each month, it’s not going to be long before their New Vampire World Order comes crashing down from a full blown vampire famine. Not smart, Drac!

I think the real moral of Van Helsing is just how crucial it is to acknowledge quality employees and how imperative it is that you treat them well. Dracula kills Dr. Frankenstein in a fit of rage, but ends up regretting that decision when he discovers that they are unable to duplicate his work. In his arrogance, Dracula has completely failed to recognize the fact that, through hard work and innovation, Dr Frankenstein has made himself indispensable. From the moment Dr. Frankenstein’s exsanguinated corpse hits the floor, Dracula’s fortunes turn. All of the setbacks he suffers - including the loss of one wife and a full third of his unholy progeny - are a direct result of him not appreciating the value Dr. F. brought to the organization. Had he kept him alive, he would have saved time, money, and easily lived to see his children sow discord and chaos across the globe in the poorly animated, leather-winged apocalypse he so desperately wanted.

Fantastic episode! Seth Rogen's exuberance is contagious. One thing that really bugged me about this movie is that Beckinsale and her ancestors get to go to Heaven on a bullshit technicality. We're told by Van Helsing's boss that 450 years ago Beckinsale's great-great-great grandfather made a vow to God that his family would "neither rest nor enter Heaven until they vanquished Dracula from their land." But...they didn't vanquish him - Van Helsing did. In order to fulfill this vow and lift the family curse, shouldn't Beckinsale be the one to deliver the killing blow? Otherwise, it's just a bunch of nonsense. That means it never really mattered how Dracula died, just that he did - eventually. They could have just waited him out until he choked on some Texas Toast or slipped in the shower or some shit. Because, apparently, it really didn't fucking matter. What this movie really needed was a mid-credits scene where Kate and her lover-brother march up to St. Peter only for him to tell them, "Um, not so fast..."

Agreed 100% on all counts. City Lights is my favorite of his because the story holds together the best. Modern Times is my second favorite of his silents because he gives the other characters some development and room to shine. And I was disappointed by The Gold Rush because the story and the side-characters were severely lacking. It feels like three or four shorts that were just tacked together. (But we'll talk about that more when we cover those films.) I agree with Paul that City Lights has so much of the DNA of modern comedy, though I wonder if he'll say the same thing about The Gold Rush, which came first. So I'll add on that City Lights really has the DNA of the modern rom-com. The tramp and the blind girl have a meet-cute involving mistaken identity, he then courts her between adventures hanging with his more bro-ey best friend, learns of a problem that she has, and undergoes a ridiculous challenge to try to solve the problem. All these beats feel like rom-com tropes now, but they seem new when watching City Lights. It's no surprise why AFI named this their #1 romantic comedy of all time.

Yes, please! The Smiths would be a fantastic subject. Brilliant catalogue of music and Morrissey being such a problematic, larger-than-life character could lead to a lot of great bits. With only four studio albums, it'd be a short series. But the solo work from Morrissey and Johnny Marr is worth getting into too, or even Marr's albums while in Modest Mouse or The Cribs. Also, Steely Dan comes up on CBB fairly often. Not sure if either Scott loves and knows them well enough for a podcast, but as a casual fan, I'd be interested in diving deeper into their discography.

Maybe the Smiths. This would be a band that Scott might like way more than Adam.