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JulyDiaz

Episode 130 - Teen Witch

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It is amazing that the site includes that this is the 17th ranked movie in the "Witch" genre. That is probably the kindest metric you can find for this movie.

 

Whoops I should have looked closer. 17th is last place.

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That box office mojo link took me down a path that ended up here.

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085183/?ref_=tt_rec_tt

 

Quotes

 

Ator: I love you.

Sunya: And I love you.

Ator: Why can't we marry?

Sunya: Ator, we are brother and sister.

Ator: I'll talk with our father.

 

 

I don't know anything else about this movie but now I am praying it is next for HDTGM.

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Is it fair to call Teen Witch a "ripoff" of Teen Wolf if it was originally conceived as a sequel that would openly acknowledge being a successor, before all material connecting it to the original was removed? Like, say, calling Big Trouble in Little China a ripoff of Buckaroo Banzai, Cobra a ripoff of Beverly Hills Cop, or Fifty Shades of Grey a ripoff of Twilight? (OK, that last one counts...)

That thing about Big Trouble in Little China and Buckaroo Banzai is a myth (that was largely propagated by faulty information on an imdb trivia page). Buckaroo Banzai's director rewrote the script for Big Trouble, but it never started as a sequel or really had any relation to Buckaroo Banzai. There's a lot more info here: http://legendsreveal...n-little-china/

 

And Cobra wasn't a ripoff so much as Stallone not seeing eye-to-eye with the studio about the direction of Beverly Hills Cop. He wanted a serious action film, and the studio wanted a less-expensive comedy, so he said, "Fuck it. I'll just go make my own movie."

 

Edit: Also totally agree with just about everything said about Pretty in Pink on the last couple pages. Annie Potts is the only good part of that movie anyway (as we discussed in a previous thread).

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  • During the Ondine play who is the director? Isn't Louise's teacher friend (Ms. Malloy) the director? How many faculty are involved in this play?
  • Brad as an 18 year old senior is getting English help from the barely 16 Luiz Guzman.
  • Is Serena Louise's estranged grandmother? Maybe her selfish and avaricious use of magic made her family push her away. She admits that she misused her powers in the past.
  • What the hell was going on when Serena pulls out a book and says that the pictures from the 1600s are of her and Louise? There was a reincarnation plot line that did not get enough development.
  • Frog man Rex=bestiality/non-consensual sex.
  • Louise is already going to use magic to rape Brad so why does she need mood lighting?
  • Brad has never been to her place before, how does he know that there are supposed to be chairs in her room?
  • Louise rags on Randa for being superficial to Brad but is herself the most superficial person in the movie.
  • Argentina doesn't have counts, they're a purely European thing. Is he a Spanish count from Argentina? Is he even real or is he some sort of golem that Louise created from mud and menstrual blood?
  • With different music the sex scene in the abandoned house becomes part of a horror movie.
  • Quotes from my girlfriend "is it still statutory rape if he's under a spell?" "this is horrible" "is this all they're going to show?!"
  • Her existential crisis is bullshit. Scientifically everyone just likes her because of the magic. Before she had powers no liked her and she never demonstrates any value other than being kind of smart and having the aforementioned magical powers.
  • Randa has to watch her date make out with another girl at prom. She never even does anything that bitchy to Louise.She sets LG up with hipster rapist David but the movie acknowledges even that is better than nothing. In the vein of Staying Alive, our main protagonist is the villain of the movie.

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At the end of the movie, Louise Guzman gives up her amulet and her powers. But earlier in the movie, Serena said that the amulet had belonged to the original Salem Louise Guzman and that it had somehow found the 80s Louise Guzman. Wouldn't it just try to get back to Louise?

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Okay I was thinking about this on my way home from work this evening but we never actually see evidence of Louise being bullied by anyone except the white rapper bobo Ryan Reynolds dude and her own English teacher. Like none of the girls say anything mean to her and we're supposed to take her word for it that being at school is absolute hell for her.

 

Her "revenge" on them is turning three girls that are actually friends into complete assholes. I don't understand why supporting Kiki in her dreams of singing was so bad of Randa and the other girl to do. Then Louise casts her spell and Randa is then turned into a bully who tears down her own friend. That makes zero sense to me.

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  • During the Ondine play who is the director? Isn't Louise's teacher friend (Ms. Malloy) the director? How many faculty are involved in this play?

I can answer that one. It's not uncommon for high schools to give the director's chair over to another student if that's something they want to pursue in college. Typically the drama teacher would be the director but I can see this high school letting a student do it and then it turns into just picking the popular people (as we saw cause Kiki probably didn't crush her audition like Luis Guzman did).

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I'd like to point out that Kiki, the head cheerleader/lead in the play/whatever is wicked hot, and probably benefits from not having the unfortunate 80s mall hair that everyone else has. She has kind of a Phoebe Cates thing about her...

 

teenwitch8.jpg0.jpg

 

A quick search finds that, good God, she's still ridiculously hot. She looks like she could be Megan Fox's older sister or something...

 

megan-gallivan.jpgISz66serzlwkv7.jpg

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This movie has a secret subplot: Serena duping Luis out of her witch powers.

 

 

 

Notice that when Serena gives Luis a palm reading and discovers that she is the reincarnation of her old "friend" she urges Luis to trust her, that only by trusting her will she be able to harness her powers.

 

 

Remember, in the scene where they make funny money Serena only directs Luis. Luis casts the spell. Notice also how ecstatic Serena is to have found her reincarnated so-called "friend": she doesn't say she's so happy to see her, she dances around singing about the money (subtitles people), is distraught when she finds the money ruined.

 

 

Notice also the evil laugh ("you won't believe it") when Serena first looks for the book to show Luis her pre-incarnation. The book is Magick Majorum New Faces of 1652; the age range of Luis's pre-incarnation is 1636 to unknown.

 

 

In the scene with the frog prince spell we can see that Serena can prepare the spell, but she can't do it alone. In order to complete it she says to Luis "Relax; now gimme the juice" and she takes her hand.

 

 

When Serena gives Luis the popularity spell we see Serena pull out her chemistry set and say to Luis she will use "the last of my powers" that she was saving for a "mink coat...to wear in the ice age." (Serena immortal?) in order to cast the popularity spell.

 

 

And at the very end Luis throws her amulet to Serena, an amulet which we are told is the source of Luis's power, or at least some type of force amplifier. This part is key: the viewer is lead to believe Luis is surrendering the amulet by choice, when in fact her surrendering it has been engineered.

 

 

How? Recall that Serena is more than happy to fulfill all of Luis's wants, no matter how petty (being popular? having a sex slave?) for nothing in return. Why would she do this? To keep Luis buttered up and under her sway? No. Serena is doing the magical equivalent of forcing your kid to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes so that they get sick. Curing by excess. That is why she is dismissive of Luis's concerns of authenticity, why she urges Luis to continue, why she uses the last of her power on such a petty wish: she knows she will get the power back. Serena wants Luis to overdose on her powers, so that she would surrender her amulet willingly.

 

 

It's all there!!!

 

 

From here it's purely conjecture. Considering the name of the book Luis's and Serena's faces appear in we can assume that 1652 is around when they first became active as witches. Remember that Serena says "I know what it's like to be 16, I've been 16 four times." From 1652 to 1989 she would have to live something like four 80-90 year lives(easier with witchcraft?) to show up in 1989 in old age. In that same book we see Serena born in 1610 and pre-Luis in 1636; by the time pre-Luis was 16 (the earliest time they could start being witch friends) Serena was already 42. Perhaps Serena has tried to take the amulet by force in the past and failed, resulting in a mysterious end to pre-Luis? In the Magick Majourm book we see the descriptions say that Serena is burned at the stake for being a witch, whereas Luis is merely questioned and released, and dies at an unknown time (and presumably, since there is no written cause of death, in an unknown way). Perhaps magic fades with age? Perhaps Serena has only few powers left and the gift of the second sight is one of the lasts, and one she parleys into taking another witch's power (remember how witches are like one of the main archetypes for evil and might do something evil like that???).

 

 

I'm just saying. Peace.

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Late night thoughts~

 

I hope every time we put "Luis Guzman" in a post he gets a Google alert

 

tumblr_mq5hn3R4lu1r1u36qo7_r1_500.gif

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This movie kind of terrified me. I don't know if this counts as a correction, but through the entire first like 3/4 of the movie I was waiting for all the supporting characters to turn on Luis Guzman. Like some kinda of Truman Show style secret aliens or something. There were all these signs that the whole town was secretly organized around Luis.

 

The obvious ones are things like the choreographed "We Like Boys" dance number and how her parents just don't react to her 180 wardrobe change or the brothers serious mental issues. But then there were this host of small things. At the dances, all the background characters seem to be doing synchronized repetitive dance moves like some kind of less fluid version of Peanuts. The English teacher reads Luis Guzman's essay all about how she has a stalker style obsession with Brad, and she runs out of the room, but no one ever mentions it again. Brad himself later approaches her to help him with work and has no concern about her feeling for him or about hanging out in her bedroom alone with her. Randa seems to have become her friend once Luis is the most popular girl, but Randa has no issue with the Brad stalking and then disappears completely at the end of the movie despite us seeing her dancing with Brad before Luis appears. The theater teacher also seems manic in her scenes.

 

Timing was also really crazy. Luis has that day at school where she is embarrassed and spys on Brad at football practice; then it cuts to her riding her bike home in what is clearly the middle of the night. Same thing happens with her birthday party where it cuts from bright school day to middle of the night. Her weather manipulation scenes have her hanging out in a park in the dark. Why aren't her parents questioning where she is? Does her school just not let out til 10 p.m.?

 

I just felt very uncomfortable and kept expecting the whole town to reveal they were all in on some plot that explained why they were all acting like robots.

 

Edit: Oh, and that Condom chanting scene. That was messed up.

 

A few additional points

 

What was up with the white guy rapping crew? Were they supposed to be cool or losers? Because Hats seems to like one of them, but Top That starts with the 3 guys standing in the street with no other people just singing to each other about how hot they are. Excuse me, but 3 guys singing and dancing alone in a street with no girls is not cool. At least it can't be in this movie world where everyone needs a relationship and is just as likely as not to sing explicitly about that very fact.

 

The whole water angle was really inconsistent. Were none of these people showering? What about the fake money that gets water spilled on it? If Luis Guzman didn't know about the water thing when she turned her brother into a dog, then why was she taking him to the tub? Was she going to drown him to hide what she had done?

 

Did anyone else feel like her popularity spell was really underwhelming? She says she wants to be beautiful. She's told she just needs to wait and grow into herself, and she insists that she wants to look like that singer. Then she goes through all this stuff with spells and a trip to a concert venue that she can't possibly have explained, and the end result is a new hair style and clothes. Except she already had clothes at the first dance, so what did the spell actually do? Then, at the end, she decides she doesn't want to use magic, but she still looks the same. So I guess the spell didn't do her hair either. Was it all just about the jean jacket?

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Richie's Mom in real life was a Playboy centerfold at the age of 17. Look it up.

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To add to Jason's point about about the "plain" lead girls having to have red hair in this era, and the hot girls being blonde, Haviland Morris who played Jake Ryan's hot blonde girlfriend in Sixteen Candles has red hair in real life, and so had to wear a blonde wig in the movie. You can see her as a redhead in the cinematic gem Gremlins 2. Sorry if it's been mentioned, but wasn't Brad also the boyfriend in Cool as Ice??

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Sorry if it's been mentioned, but wasn't Brad also the boyfriend in Cool as Ice??

 

I had to look that up, but, no, they were two different guys (John Newton, Cool as Ice; Dan Gauthier Teen Witch). I do agree that they look similar though. I guess they both fit that late eighties, early nineties "hot, but douchey guy" archetype...lean, brunette, with clean cut "actor" hair, and handsome, but with (more or less) forgettable features.

 

(And, for those who don't know what I mean by "actor" hair, check out just about any male love interest in a TV show from pilot to about 6 episodes in. It is one of my very favorite things :) )

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Here's the elusive photographic proof:

 

 

There was also a black girl in the background at the pool, sitting on a bench.

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A little over halfway through and this is already in my top 5 HDTGM eps.

 

Love how enthused Jason is about this movie, Deanna is a fantastic guest, the discussion is hilarious and even insightful (hearing about Zouks' time in high school was really great)

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I'd like to point out that Kiki, the head cheerleader/lead in the play/whatever is wicked hot, and probably benefits from not having the unfortunate 80s mall hair that everyone else has. She has kind of a Phoebe Cates thing about her...

 

teenwitch8.jpg

 

A quick search finds that, good God, she's still ridiculously hot. She looks like she could be Megan Fox's older sister or something...

 

 

The second I saw Kiki I thought she was Jennifer Connelly for some reason...

tumblr_nycfbykX9s1ub5oh7o1_400.gif

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This movie is cray, but it a lot of it makes sense if you wanna get all film school about how it's about the "female gaze," female desire, etc. Jake is a coquettish goober or whatever, but he's no worse than billions of female "love interests" in movies. (That said, you're a crummy friend, Luis.)

 

Also, in that classroom/purse/humiliation scene, "just in case?" meaning she's not sexually active, but she wants to be prepared. (And yeah, the condom scene is insane-o, but sadly that's more scientifically accurate info than what they're probably allowed to teach in some schools. (I miss how, in the '80s/early '90s, teen movies would at least mention condoms/birth control in teen movies.)

 

Also, if you look at the interior design Luis's house, it's decorated in a duck theme, because it's an ugly duckling movie.

 

I love Ritchie. "Finals Girls" was a fantastic teen girl movie.

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Also, if you look at the interior design Luis's house, it's decorated in a duck theme, because it's an ugly duckling movie.

 

I noticed the duck/geese decor too, especially in the kitchen. I love your explanation for it.

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