Episode 130 - Teen Witch

[Cameron H. 23786]

This is a really good point. In the scene directly before, she was talking to the popular girls at her locker. Were they late to their classes, too? Or did a significant amount of time pass between those two scenes?

 

Well, she was talking to Randa at the lockers, and Randa, who's in the same class, managed to make it on time. Maybe there's a time jump...but the movie doesn't seem to indicate that. UGH...this movie is inscrutable!

[RobMeredith 9]

Did anyone get the vibe that this movie was the inspiration for the advertising of the 90s?

Shampoo commercials is the obvious one, but I'd also contend insurance, soft drinks, early computers and feminine hygiene could have been lobbed into scenes and no-one would blink an eye.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

And because witches and ducks weigh the same.

[HotSaucerman 2051]

Nice job on the theme! You made the old theme sound like something other than a mishmash of off-key nonsense (which, btw, I still love).

Yeah, Jason and Paul's singing wasn't so bad, but June really needed some auto-tune. I made that over a year ago and it was a nice surprise to hear it pop-up unexpectedly. Not like when I get a plugs theme on Bang Bang and everybody tells me on Facebook before I get to listen to the episode.

[Cameron H. 23786]

Okay, I think this may be all I've got left for this movie (I can't promise that), and I admit, it's pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but I think it's worthy to bring up because in order to sell a fantasy movie, I believe that it is crucial to nail down the mundane moments, otherwise it makes your job all that much harder to sell the fantastical elements.

 

So, when Luis transforms her brother into a dog, did it bother anyone else that their mother felt it was necessary to honk her car horn to announce her arrival? Are Luis and/or Richie chronic masturbators or something? Was she giving them a couple of seconds to zip it up? I just found it so odd.

 

It occurs around the one minute mark in the video.

 

 

Oh! And I just wanted to stand in solidarity with Paul in regard to tender kissing in television and films. Passionate kisses, fine. Slow, loving, kisses with the man cradling the woman’s head in his hands or something, barf! So, gross.

[JonahGresl 12]

Zelda Rubinstein pulls out a book from 1652 to show that they knew each other in a past life. The book had what appeared to be black and white photographs of them and other witches... Photography wasn't invented until the 1800's.

[DeeMoney 14]

It was crap movies like this that gave me a negative perception of Gen-X. I was born in 1980 (so one of those XYers), I remember watching this as a kid and thinking "those people in HS are idiots."

[Mathey 419]

I kinda hated this movie.

 

I feel like not having cable TV or any friends with it resulted in me not being able to enjoy a lot of the '80s teen movies Teen Witch wants to be now that I'm an adult. All it reminds me of is all the people I didn't get along with in high school.

 

If you want some context on my high school experience, check out my avatar pic: I was pretty far behind the Brad-curve, though if Hats asked me out I woulda been thrilled.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

Zelda Rubinstein pulls out a book from 1652 to show that they knew each other in a past life. The book had what appeared to be black and white photographs of them and other witches... Photography wasn't invented until the 1800's.

Holy shit out of all the things I picked up from this movie I can't believe I missed that.

 

I mean we could assume they were drawings?? But shit yeah they look like photographs a la civil war era.

 

Fuck.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Zelda Rubinstein pulls out a book from 1652 to show that they knew each other in a past life. The book had what appeared to be black and white photographs of them and other witches... Photography wasn't invented until the 1800's.

I just KNEW there was something that didn't make sense about this movie...

[FisterRoboto 7499]

Zelda Rubinstein pulls out a book from 1652 to show that they knew each other in a past life. The book had what appeared to be black and white photographs of them and other witches... Photography wasn't invented until the 1800's.

I just KNEW there was something that didn't make sense about this movie...

Yep. Just that one thing. Everything else is 100% flawless.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

 

Yep. Just that one thing. Everything else is 100% flawless.

It's practically a documentary!

[Username Smith 6]

Madame Serena seems more like an alchemist then a witch. Most of what she does is transmutation and not actual magic. Also watching this film as adult. It seems like a propaganda films to reinforce heteronormative stereotypes.

[RyanSz 3140]

This might be the most unaware parody of a genre that I've ever seen. It takes so many tropes from every other teen movie made in the 80s and just mashes it up into this insanity. The asshole teacher especially came through and has been reused many times over the years as the intellectual teacher who can't be upstaged by a smarter student (F. Murray Abraham in Finding Forrester) and as a teacher who hates his class and teaching altogether (Patton Oswalt's cameo in 22 Jump Street). The little brother was insane and for the longest time I couldn't place who he was so when I looked him up I was surprised to see that he was Dr. Challis' son in Halloween 3 as well as the child vampire in Near Dark.

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

Zelda Rubinstein pulls out a book from 1652 to show that they knew each other in a past life. The book had what appeared to be black and white photographs of them and other witches... Photography wasn't invented until the 1800's.

Someone else earlier referred to it as a "yearbook" and that made me laugh. Like Madame Serena and Luis Guzman were in class together during the Salem witch trails. We all know they've always had yearbooks, right? RIGHT? I wonder if Serena's "friends" all just wrote "have a good summer."

 

 

Did you guys notice that even though Randa is "the most popular girl in school" that no one seems to like her? Like her friends turn on her once Luiz casts that spell and Brad is like, "Yeah I'm just dating her because she's the most popular girl at school. I'd totally dump her if there were another popular girl at school." That's something that I've noticed in a lot of teen movies that the popular (liked, admired, or enjoyed by many people or by a particular person or group) girl is never actually liked.

 

I think it wouldve been hilarious if once Luiz became the most popular girl, everyone wanted to push her into pools or whatever. I totally nominate Hats for this role.

 

Anyway I always find this kind of odd. I don't think it was the case at my school. I mean, I don't think we even had a MOST popular girl. Just a couple popular groups. And usually they were funny or talented and that was why people liked them. There was always a group of pretty girls who were bitches, who I'm sure dudes wanted to bang, but no one really wanted to be friends with them.

[The_Other_MikeD 68]

Based on the events happening at school (football season to prom) this movie has to cover months right? I'd say it felt like it happened over two or three weeks tops.

 

Despite all of the things this movie could have done differently there is really only one thing I wanted. During Brad's football practice scene when they cut from him throwing the ball to the stock footage shot of a football going through a tire they really should have played that up. Have him throw the ball, drop and do his push ups, THEN cut to the stock footage.

 

Not a football scout but Brad had terrible throwing mechanics. I doubt if any of his 'passes' went 10 yards much less through a tire.

[The_Other_MikeD 68]

Lots of things to say about this one. I loved it!

 

There was a black guy in the movie. I was looking for him, and I saw him.

 

There is also a cholo too. In the "Most Popular Girl" music number.

 

Why were a Crip (blue bandana) and a Blood (red bandana) in the same car?

 

After Luis Guzman and Brad have sex in the haunted house, Serena is talking to Luis Guzman, but for the whole scene she's not looking at her. There's only three possible explanations for this:

1. She's not a fan of premarital sex and is so disgusted with Luis Guzman she can't look her in the eye.
    
    
   
2. She's temporarily blind and doesn't know exactly where Luis Guzman is.
    
    
   
3. She can't remember her lines and is reading cue cards.
   

 

I noticed this scene too. Serena read the whole thing like an SNL skit.

 

Also, during the rape house scene we totally thought dude's armpit was a vagina.

 

THis is a good shot of the ratty, frayed shirt Brad was wearing. Did he cut the sides out himself?

 

I'd like to point out that Kiki, the head cheerleader/lead in the play/whatever is wicked hot, and probably benefits from not having the unfortunate 80s mall hair that everyone else has. She has kind of a Phoebe Cates thing about her...

 

 

A quick search finds that, good God, she's still ridiculously hot. She looks like she could be Megan Fox's older sister or something...

 

 

In the top picture, the girl second from the right is RITA WILSON aka Mrs. Tom Hanks! Check out the video to see more of her.

Also watch Randa's 'dancing'. She obviously can't do the choreography and just make jazz hands during the entire sequence.

 

Ladys let me introduce you to the worlds most perfect man!

 

 

Keith Hernandez?

 

Still more observations:

 

The wake up scene (right after the Skinemax opening) was the exact same one as Courtney Cox's in Masters of the Universe right down to the frumpy nightgown.

 

Was I the only who thought rapey cousin looked like 1980's era Tom Kenny?

 

When Serena transforms the frog into her prince he lip-syncs 'ribbit' while the frog noise is being made.

 

Serena has some Star Wars blue milk when she makes a potion.

 

Luis Guzman does a 'Wonder Woman' spin when she transforms into a popular girl.

 

Why are the kids wearing Cosby sweaters to their prom?

[Cameron H. 23786]

Someone else earlier referred to it as a "yearbook" and that made me laugh. Like Madame Serena and Luis Guzman were in class together during the Salem witch trails. We all know they've always had yearbooks, right? RIGHT? I wonder if Serena's "friends" all just wrote "have a good summer."

 

I think it's funny that movies dealing with witches always try to legitimize themselves by attaching the witch characters to Salem, but, in doing so, aren't they tacitly saying that the Puritanical fuck-turtles that gruesomely murdered a bunch of innocent women and men were kind of right to do so?

 

Also, since you brought up yearbooks, I had this great idea to share one of the messages I got in 8th grade from an unrequited love that I had always remembered as pissing me off. Sort of a, "Look at the shitty thing someone said to me in Middle School. Man, I was such a dork" kind of bit.

 

Some background: There was a girl during the first half of 8th grade that I had my first real mind-blowing, Earth-shattering, time-warping crush on. We became friends. We'd talk on the phone. We had the same sense of humor. I even got kicked out of Spanish because I spent more time talking, joking, and gazing longingly at her than learning anything. Everything was great--except I couldn't just ask her out, right? What if she said no?

 

She started dating other guys. It eventually got back to her that I had a crush on her. Awkwardness ensued. Friendship ended.

 

On the last day of school, she stole my yearbook and wrote me a message without my knowledge, the contents of which have incensed me to this very day.

 

She wrote:

 

"Cameron, wuz up? We never got to go out with each other, but don't worry, you're really cute. Have a gr8 summer! Love, Tara. P.S. Write me over the summer (she was moving away). Write me!"

 

Can you believe her nerve? The fucking gall!

 

Of course, this could not stand! Don't you see how clearly she was totally rubbing it in my face that we never went out, and was not at all expressing her own regret that we never dated? Well fortunately, 6 months later, I had the perfect opportunity to deliver her comeuppance when she called me out of the blue to ask me out to a dance at her school and I. SHUT. HER. SORRY ASS. DOWN!

 

 

Want to know what I did that night instead? Who the fuck knows? But I can tell you what I most definitely was NOT doing--I certainly wasn't sharing my first kiss with the girl of my dreams like my life was some kind of goddamn awesome eighties teen movie. Honestly, I probably stayed home and played video games. Great choice, fourteen-year-old Me. Bra-fucking-vo.

 

Cameron H...what a dork.

 

 

But seriously, guys, I literally just realized 15 minutes ago that my Middle School crush liked me too. This changes everything! I'm sorry I derailed the Teen Witch conversation. Please--carry on.

 

[FisterRoboto 7499]

I think it's funny that movies dealing with witches always try to legitimize themselves by attaching the witch characters to Salem, but, in doing so, aren't they tacitly saying that the Puritanical fuck-turtles that gruesomely murdered a bunch of innocent women and men were kind of right to do so?

Ummm...I don't want to take away from the incredible fucking masterpiece that you wrote after this (which hits so incredibly super close to home with me), but I did want to point out that this was my problem with The Witch. SPOILER TIME Y'ALL

 

 

 

The whole movie seems to be leading to this idea of "Is the witch really real?" Sure, it starts out with the scene of the witch, but just about everything that happens could be a Shining (a movie the Witch borrowed heavily from for at least one scene)-style "all in your head" thing. And that was easy to get behind because it was like, "Oh, these crazy fucks exiled these people from their city because they thought they were heretics, and now their shame has led them to imagine themselves fighting against the forces of evil."

 

And up until the point where Thomasin sits down at the table at the end, that could have still been a solid interpretation (side note: I think that should have been the end of the movie). But then they need to explain the Black Phillip shit and have her dance in the woods with the other witches. It was basically just validating everything that the crazy Puritans and the even crazier couple of Lysa Arryn and Chris Finch believed. I can't remember a time that a movie took me from "FUCK YES THIS IS AWESOME" to "Really?" so quickly.

 

 

 

Anyway, minor Witch rant over. Please continue talking about the vastly superior 80s teen witchcraft film.

[jarrycanada 2483]

Keith Hernandez?

 

Could be Keith Hernandez, and now we all know what happen with that relationship.

 

 

We could of figured it out with out the card.

 

Someone who should remain nameless may or may not be a

here.

[JUmberson 3]

Surprised that it wasn't mentioned that DIck Sargent was on Bewitched. Could Samatha be Louise's biological mother?

[DeeMoney 14]

I don't know if its been pointed out already, but there actually is a "non-white" extra in the movie. In the sex-ed class sitting front row in a Fila sweater. Dude looks a little like Adolfo Shabba-doo Quinones.

 

BTW, what school has sex ed in HS? Thats more like 6th grade.

[JoelSchlosberg 352]

I posted a screengrab earlier, but here it is again:

[AndrewDenning 1]

Hey, guys. Are you aware that Robyn Lively isn't the only one in the film with a famous half-sibling? Joshua John Miller (Richie) is the younger half-brother of Jason Patric. Their father was Jason Miller, Father Karras from The Exorcist.

 

Oh, and as far as his being a part of DiCaprio's "Pussy Posse," I don't know if that's true. Seems unlikely, since he's gay.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

Surprised that it wasn't mentioned that DIck Sargent was on Bewitched. Could Samatha be Louise's biological mother?

It was kinda implied when they said his name because we all pretty much know by now who Dick Sargent is.

 

BTW, what school has sex ed in HS? Thats more like 6th grade.

I weirdly got 4 kinds of sex ed throughout my schooling but two of them were in 9th grade with two different classes: The first in Biology where we went through the actual stages of conception to birth and watched that crazy ass video of a woman giving birth in the 70s, and then the "here are gross as fuck photos of all the STDs you could possibly get" in health class.