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Hearing that the director and production team were basing this movie off of a Star Wars novelization makes a lot of sense and explains a lot of its crappiness. So much of what makes this movie exhausting to watch comes down to basic editing. As a visual medium, movies need things like establishing shots and travel montages to move the audience from place to place, whereas novels inherently don't. Take, for example, the trial scene, wherein we are standing before the Right Honorable Krang hearing Stella and Akton's hard labor sentence, and then smash-cut to Stella, in the mine, some indeterminate amount of time later, lugging space orbs around on a stretcher with the other slaves. There was no "guards, take her away" moment, no shot of her arriving at the mine, no Shawshank "fresh fish" scene, no nothing. A good movie would show Stella arriving at the prison with other prisoners, an establishing shot of the prison, and then the mine, and then show her working for some length of time before deciding to bust out, but Starcrash just has none of that. It was the same thing with the snow planet, when Stella and Elle get back to the ship to learn that Thor had betrayed them -- the movie doesn't even so much as show the damn ship taking off, leaving them abandoned on the planet. Thor walks off screen, and then smash-cut to Stella laying down in the snow to die ... for all the audience knows, the ship is still right there out of frame. But novels can get away with that kind of thing because it doesn't need to take the time to present the spectacle of the moment. Smash cuts aren't a problem with novels because you can reveal the shift in time along with all the other details that set the scene. In fact, I think this whole movie might work better as a novel: "Stella Star," bellowed Judge Krang,"you are hereby sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in the galactic acid mines." And with that, court was adjourned. *** Chapter 5 Stella's back and shoulders ached as she and the other slaves lifted the acid orb upon the stretcher and joined the queue for the hole full of dry ice. In this cheaply constructed soundstage that was her prison, time seems to slow to crawl. Had she really been wearing this same bikini every day for the last three months?

For a Star Wars rip off that features prominent bikinis I want to take a moment to remember my favorite ( and possibly only) Star Wars fact I know thanks to Carrie Fisher's fantastic book Wishful Drinking. Apparently George Lucas thinks space is an underwear free zone because "you go to space and you become weightless...But then your body expands??? But your bra doesn't — so you get strangled by your own bra." (This might be my favorite of many amazing parts of Wishful Drinking). Carrie wrote that was how she wanted her obituary to read. Drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra. I still think about that line sometimes because it's just so utterly Carrie.

Then look down and call me space Javert!

Yes, but space Jean Valjean might also be in there because he stole space bread for his family. How do you feel about that?

What should be a solid cast turned into one of to one of those movies that leaves you wondering ‘wtf am I watching‘ and how did all these acclaimed actors read this script and think ‘Yes. sign me up’. It would make more sense if this movie was made before they all hit it big but it was released this year in 2019 strung out Matthew mcconaughey mixed with an embarrassingly terrible southern accent from Jonah hill (- were the multiple simultaneous playful dick grabs necessary ?). Throw Zac Efron, Isla Fisher, snoop dogg and Martin Lawrence in there.....There’s a homelesss person pool party/pillow fight.. Basically I’m saying you could make an entire podcast based off the first 20 minutes alone .

I like that number four was among your best three, but number three wasn't.

So I was watching the trailer on YouTube before listening to the podcast and this is the captioning that came up on screen during the voiceover! Too funny...

It kind of bums me out that a name as awesome as "Stella Star" was wasted on this crap-ass movie. I have to admit, I kind of found the redneck robot amusing. And perhaps the most insane piece of trivia, despite their protests that they'd put the script together prior to Star Wars, the producers asked the director to make it in the style of Star Wars. The director had never seen Star Wars, so he decided just to read the novelization.

The space master of the house?

I have a very silly, embarrassing, and ( in my mind) hilarious confession to make. When I heard the name of the movie I misheard Paul and my brain autofilled in what it thought he said. So instead of Starcrasher *I* heard Starchaser. This is funny because for some reason I can't explain I was convinced that was the name of what might be Disneyland's worst ride ever Superstar Limo. No matter how many times I am told it's not I can't seem to grasp that. I basically thought that this was a Pirates Of The Caribbean scenario based on terrifying C list celebrity puppets stuck in a neon hellscape. I went full June you guys. I went FULL June.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... This movie could have been pretty good if the director would have made the fight scene between Stella Star and the Space Amazons about two hours longer.

Likes are back is business!!!

I'd like to discuss the temperature on the ice planet. As Stella and Elle are about to go to the surface of the planet; Akton tells them to hurry because once the Sun sets the temperature will drop thousands of degrees. THIS IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Let's assume the planet is similar to the climate of Antarctica. Average Temperature on Antarctica ranges from -76 Farenheit (or -60 Celsius/or 213 Kelvin) to 14 Farenheit(or -10 Celsius/or 263 Kelvin). The coldest possible temperature acheivable, anywhere in the universe, also referred to as Absolute Zero, is -459 Farenheit (or -273 Celsius/or 0 Kelvin). Meaning, at -76 Farenheit, it is not physically possible for the temperature to drop more than about 400 degrees on the Farenheit scale. Now, it is possible for temperatures to change by thousands of degrees. Let's say the surface temperature of a given planet is 2,000 Farenheit(or 1093 Celsius/or 1366 Kelvin), it would be possible for the temperature to drop another 2459 degrees (on the Farenheit scale in this instance). I think we can all agree, though, if the surface temperature was 2,000 Farenheit(or 1093 Celsius/or 1366 Kelvin), our heroes would not only be incinerated, but a planet of that temperature would not be covered in ice but would instead resemble Venus (a planet experiencing a runaway greenhouse effect). So, unless they're using an entirely differenct temperature scale (which is not introduced), this movie just doesn't make sense. Just because of that one fact, though. Rest of the movie is on-point!

Maybe its not "Elle", but E.L.L.E, with some stupid ass cheap sci-fi name like Electrohumanoid Lunar Law Enforcer

Regarding the name “Elle,” in the Star Wars novelizations, the droids’ designations are similarly written phonetically. So R2-D2 is spelled Artoo-Detoo and C-3PO is See-Threepio. This is also true in a lot of Star Wars media if you watch with closed captioning. I would guess this is to give their characters “proper” names rather than just serial numbers to help the audience better identify them as beings rather than things. So I think the hosts are correct and “Elle” is supposed to be the phonetically spelled version of the letter “L” - although he must have been one of the first off the production line to have a one letter serial number. This explanation makes even more sense if the screenwriter was only familiar with Star Wars through the novels. He was following a precedent.

So June only barely touched the surface of what we offer at libraries, as not only do we offer homework help and tutoring, we also have computer classes for all ages, coding classes, literacy tutoring for ESL students, and various programs like laser tag and what I just went through putting together over the last year, a comic convention. Plus, since I’m in charge of ordering movies for my library I make sure we have all the HDTGM best. I will also now say that considering Hollywood’s past of mainstream actors/workers like Timothy Hutton, Carrie Fisher, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone, appearing in pornos, and Bella Thorne directing one this year, I won’t be surprised to see Oscar winner Christopher Plunmer hosting next year’s AVN Awards to announce his partnership with Rocco Sifferedi in his starring role in Roman Big Titty Bukkake 54.

So, Stella Star is pretty much the main hero of this movie and subverts many gendered tropes in sci-fi and film more broadly. She is the best pilot, does most of the adventuring, rescues a prince (Hasselhoff), and Akton dies to advance her storyline (see: Fridging). So I ask, was this movie conceived as a feminist response to Star Wars (A New Hope), which famously doesn't pass the Bechdel test? (Stella's conversation with the Amazon Queen makes this movie pass the BT).

Fun robo-fact: the guy who did the voice for Elle in Starcrash went on to do the voice of Gizmoduck in Duck Tales. I apologize for knowing way too much about this shitty, shitty movie.

You know how movies like "The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly" were called "Spaghetti Westerns", because they were made in Italy. Does this make Starcrash a Spaghetti Sci-Fi, or does it have a different name, like Sci-Fi Bolognese, or SPACE-ghetti?

Also, FYI Jason the movie you were thinking and/or hoping Starcrash would be actually does exist! I present to you... Flesh Gordon! (Don't worry I used the SFW version) Yep, it's a X rated softcore porno from the mid 70s that tries to pass itself off as a parody of Flash Gordon. Hunky football star Flesh is enlisted by Professor Flexi Jerkoff to ride aboard his penis shaped rocket to go stop the evil Emperor Wang the Perverted who is control of the powerful sex ray. When hit by the sex ray you... well, have sex with anyone around you. Somehow he's going to use this to take over the galaxy. It climaxes in Flesh fighting a giant stop motion monster voiced by real life giant stop motion monster Craig T Nelson! I love the The Incredibles but read about this guy's politics... The movie is exactly what you think it is. Outdated and offensive puns and gags peppered over horrible action scenes of barely clothed people and sex scenes. Sounds bad right? Well, it is but it is not nearly as bad as it's sequel which came out 15 years later... Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders! (Trailer too NSFW for here but feel free to go to Youtube if you're curious and hate yourself)

Had the exact same thought. Also, "a barren desert of whiteness", sounds like Scottsdale, AZ.

I'll be honest, the about 20 minutes I could make through this movie before tapping out. I did think to myself "Hey, she's hot, wonder if they make her take her clothes off for no reason." About 10 seconds later, she did. But then, when she said "This planet is gonna burn my skin off", I just thought "You're wearing a bikini, by choice, for no apparent reason."

Same. I watched AG because it was relatively short, but The Godfathers are a bit long. Maybe I’ll rewatch them next month.

I'm watching it right now with my homies and the first fight scene where a man lights someone on fire by lighting himself on fire first...is amazing.

This reminds me. Rollerball, an earlier Chris Klein flop, was released in 2002 and set in the sadistic dystopia of...2005. That has to be a record for shortest shelf-life.