Episode 130 - Teen Witch

[Mathey 419]

Speaking of the Salem Witches 17th Century Yearbook...

 

 

"magick majorum new faces 1652"

 

 

 

Can't make out some of the text on the captions here, but here's my current guesses, working clockwise from the top-left page near the fold:

 

"Constance Harrison

Hung for Demon [unintelligible] (potions?)"

 

"Serena Alcott 1610-1652

Burned at the stake - Salem, Mass.

[unintelligible] Black Magic and Sorcery"

 

"Modesty Miller

Born 1636 - Unknown

Questioned and released in

regard to possession [unintelligible] (&?) use of

articles of sorcery and witchcraft."

 

"Sarah Burke

[unintelligible]"

 

"Hope Reed Died 1634

[unintelligible] to being [unintelligible]"

[the rest is unintelligible]"

 

"Nathan Cole

[unintelligible] hung [unintelligible]

[more unintelligible text]"

 

So, Modesty Miller is the Luis Guzman of the past. The, uh, photo depicted seems to be the actress who played her mother with a different hairdo. According to the caption, she was taken in for questioning and released, but Serena Alcott (Zelda Rubenstein) was burned at the goddamn stake. It looks like all of the other witches on the page were gruesomely killed during the as well, which leads me to a theory* -

 

Luis was a SNITCH! She sold her coven down the river and fled, allowing her to come back later! Or maybe she was immortal and eventually married Dick Sargent?

 

* This ties into another dumb theory I had watching the movie, which was that Serena was just manipulating Luis for her own ends and then planned to get her revenge on her...but alas, that was not to be and instead we get the "Luis gets what she wants sans consequences" ending at the prom.

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

Speaking of the Salem Witches 17th Century Yearbook...

 

 

"magick majorum new faces 1652"

 

 

 

Can't make out some of the text on the captions here, but here's my current guesses, working clockwise from the top-left page near the fold:

 

"Constance Harrison

Hung for Demon [unintelligible] (potions?)"

 

"Serena Alcott 1610-1652

Burned at the stake - Salem, Mass.

[unintelligible] Black Magic and Sorcery"

 

"Modesty Miller

Born 1636 - Unknown

Questioned and released in

regard to possession [unintelligible] (&?) use of

articles of sorcery and witchcraft."

 

"Sarah Burke

[unintelligible]"

 

"Hope Reed Died 1634

[unintelligible] to being [unintelligible]"

[the rest is unintelligible]"

 

"Nathan Cole

[unintelligible] hung [unintelligible]

[more unintelligible text]"

 

So, Modesty Miller is the Luis Guzman of the past. The, uh, photo depicted seems to be the actress who played her mother with a different hairdo. According to the caption, she was taken in for questioning and released, but Serena Alcott (Zelda Rubenstein) was burned at the goddamn stake. It looks like all of the other witches on the page were gruesomely killed during the as well, which leads me to a theory* -

 

Luis was a SNITCH! She sold her coven down the river and fled, allowing her to come back later! Or maybe she was immortal and eventually married Dick Sargent?

 

* This ties into another dumb theory I had watching the movie, which was that Serena was just manipulating Luis for her own ends and then planned to get her revenge on her...but alas, that was not to be and instead we get the "Luis gets what she wants sans consequences" ending at the prom.

THIS IS AMAZING.

 

Modesty Miller is doing a 1600s version of the side-pony. Because the side-pony never goes out of fashion!

[joshg 207]

 

Here's the elusive photographic proof:

 

 

 

 

Here's the elusive photographic proof:

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWhhPWyWCv0

[joshg 207]

Hey, guys. Are you aware that Robyn Lively isn't the only one in the film with a famous half-sibling? Joshua John Miller (Richie) is the younger half-brother of Jason Patric. Their father was Jason Miller, Father Karras from The Exorcist.

 

Oh, and as far as his being a part of DiCaprio's "Pussy Posse," I don't know if that's true. Seems unlikely, since he's gay.

 

Another HDTGM connection! Not only Halloween III, but Speed 2 Cruise Control as well.

[Darbler Cheesegarbler 1110]

So, this is fucking perfect (except for the quality):

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jALfOrBmRVg

 

Also, now that I've watched the movie and listened to the episode, I feel like enough time has passed for me to post another gif of Jason at Officer Pimento from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Note: he's in next week's episode too.

 

 

Oh, right, comments about the movie... Well, they pretty much covered everything I had to say including how much of a weird creeper Louise was, how that English teacher was completely inappropriate, how fucked up the condom chant was, and how Zelda's character was a garbage mentor. This is one movie where I completely disagree with everyone though, and I usually agree with Jason: I thought this was fucking garbage. As previously mentioned in the forums, nobody in the movie grows or learns anything, and the message seems to be as immature as the protagonist when it comes to just wanting some high school puppy love for everyone, even if it's meaningless and with a douchebag. Even though this movie was completely white, I disagree with them about people of color too: that one dude in sex-ed, the bouncer, and the guy at the car wash. Also I saw an Asian dude in that final prom dance, and apparently everything non-white counts as POC these days so let's throw that in there too.

 

Edit: that gif played at normal speed and not slow-mo until I uploaded it, so... enjoy?

[Cameron H. 23786]

It was kinda implied when they said his name because we all pretty much know by now who Dick Sargent is.

 

Dick Sargent? In my house, it's York or nothing!

 

 

Fun fact: Did you know that you can't Google "Dick York" with Safesearch on? I'm just saying, I hope you all really appreciated my joke and that picture of Dick York up there.

 

The things I saw. Oh, my...

 

[Cameron H. 23786]

(which hits so incredibly super close to home with me)

 

[Cockney Mackem 514]

Zelda Rubinstein pulls out a book from 1652 to show that they knew each other in a past life. The book had what appeared to be black and white photographs of them and other witches... Photography wasn't invented until the 1800's.

 

Ooh, have a like. If only the photo was also a selfie

[Cockney Mackem 514]

Hey, guys. Are you aware that Robyn Lively isn't the only one in the film with a famous half-sibling? Joshua John Miller (Richie) is the younger half-brother of Jason Patric. Their father was Jason Miller, Father Karras from The Exorcist.

 

Oh, and as far as his being a part of DiCaprio's "Pussy Posse," I don't know if that's true. Seems unlikely, since he's gay.

 

Perhaps Leo is just very inclusive and appreciative of diversity.

 

 

(And very cunning in his choice of wingman)

[FisterRoboto 7499]

Surprised that it wasn't mentioned that DIck Sargent was on Bewitched. Could Samatha be Louise's biological mother?

Didn't they say "Dick Sargent from Bewitched" in the episode?

I weirdly got 4 kinds of sex ed throughout my schooling but two of them were in 9th grade with two different classes: The first in Biology where we went through the actual stages of conception to birth and watched that crazy ass video of a woman giving birth in the 70s, and then the "here are gross as fuck photos of all the STDs you could possibly get" in health class.

I didn't get four of them, but I didn't get sex ed until my freshman year of high school (I went to HS in the mid-90s). It was still largely abstinence-based, but that's what happens when you live in Texas.

[JesseDeLeon 16]

This movie has been so divisive I think the panel should record a second full podcast.

 

Clearly the gang enjoys the movie. I'm in the same age bracket but this movie was TERRIBLE! There could be further discussion on a lot of more points that was missed on the podcast.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

I didn't get four of them, but I didn't get sex ed until my freshman year of high school (I went to HS in the mid-90s). It was still largely abstinence-based, but that's what happens when you live in Texas.

Also being a Texan that's why I realized how weird it is that I got about 4 (the first was in 5th grade where the nurse came in and explained to all of us wtf was happening to our bodies now that we were in the beginning stages of puberty so idk if you can really count that or not) and then we got the 1 true abstinence talk in 8th grade. Actually the photo of STDs in high school might have also been abstinence-based but I can't remember anything passed the pictures that still haunt me till this day. Certainly have no memory of anyone ever mentioning the words "condom" or "birth control" so I think it's safe to assume they wanted us all to just keep it in our pants.

 

EDIT: Yep just asked my best friend who was in that class with me and she said she remembers it was all abstinence. Good ol' Texas.

[taylor anne photo 11311]

Speaking of the Salem Witches 17th Century Yearbook...

 

 

"magick majorum new faces 1652"

 

"New Faces" ...Like a facebook?? Did these witches truly invent the first facebook?!

 

So, Modesty Miller is the Luis Guzman of the past. The, uh, photo depicted seems to be the actress who played her mother with a different hairdo. According to the caption, she was taken in for questioning and released, but Serena Alcott (Zelda Rubenstein) was burned at the goddamn stake. It looks like all of the other witches on the page were gruesomely killed during the as well, which leads me to a theory* -

 

Luis was a SNITCH! She sold her coven down the river and fled, allowing her to come back later! Or maybe she was immortal and eventually married Dick Sargent?

 

* This ties into another dumb theory I had watching the movie, which was that Serena was just manipulating Luis for her own ends and then planned to get her revenge on her...but alas, that was not to be and instead we get the "Luis gets what she wants sans consequences" ending at the prom.

I like your theory except "Miller" would probably have to be from her Father's side of the family unless the immortal mother married her descendant to keep their line "pure".

 

But that does make me laugh at the fact that "Miller" is an incredibly common last name and Serena perked up and repeated it like Luis Guzman was the only person who could possibly have that name in the whole country. And that makes me think of "Last Man on Earth" and their whole gag that out of 7 living people on Earth two of them are named Phil Miller lol.

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

I think the magic comes from her father's side. Miller is a family name. And I mean, he's Dick Sargeant from Betwitched. Why cast him except to imply witchcraft of some sort? It's not like they give him a lot of juicy acting.

[Cameron H. 23786]

"New Faces" ...Like a facebook?? Did these witches truly invent the first facebook?!

I like your theory except "Miller" would probably have to be from her Father's side of the family unless the immortal mother married her descendant to keep their line "pure".

 

I think the magic comes from her father's side. Miller is a family name. And I mean, he's Dick Sargeant from Betwitched. Why cast him except to imply witchcraft of some sort? It's not like they give him a lot of juicy acting.

 

This also might explain the weird relationship Luis shared with her father. Maybe he knew his family history and recognized Luis' potential. Maybe he transformed his wife into the woman he wanted. Dear God, somewhere inside her mother is an awkward little girl just screaming to be freed from his evil clutches. Oh my God! That's why her mother tries to dress Luis like such a square! It's her true self trying to break free! Wow, this shit just got really depressing...

 

As an aside, it annoys me so much when movies and television shows, particularly ones with a fantasy/sci-fi bent, show descendants to look exactly like one of the main characters. You just know, inevitably, someone is going to be pulled forward in time or go back in time and will be able to fool everyone by seamlessly taking the place of their doppelganger. Never mind that, at the very least, they probably wouldn't sound the same or share the same dialect. At most, someone will say, "Gee, you're acting a little weird today." There is absolutely no way two people, excluding identical twins, would ever look that much alike. It's like these writers don't understand how reproduction works.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

As an aside, it annoys me so much when movies and television shows, particularly ones with a fantasy/sci-fi bent, show descendants to look exactly like one of the main characters. You just know, inevitably, someone is going to be pulled forward in time or go back in time and will be able to fool everyone by seamlessly taking the place of their doppelganger. Never mind that, at the very least, they probably wouldn't sound the same or share the same dialect. At most, someone will say, "Gee, you're acting a little weird today." There is absolutely no way two people, excluding identical twins, would ever look that much alike. It's like these writers don't understand how reproduction works.

You meant to add "except for Back to the Future," right?

[Cameron H. 23786]

You meant to add "except for Back to the Future," right?

 

Well, d'uh!

 

[DeeMoney 14]

 

I weirdly got 4 kinds of sex ed throughout my schooling but two of them were in 9th grade with two different classes: The first in Biology where we went through the actual stages of conception to birth and watched that crazy ass video of a woman giving birth in the 70s, and then the "here are gross as fuck photos of all the STDs you could possibly get" in health class.

 

AHHH, do not talk about that video! I'm pretty sure I saw the same one, but they showed it in 7th grade- showed a direct shot of the baby being born. Not something I recommend showing 13 year olds. Then again I went to school in CA, guess it was different.

[Thrillho___ 0]

Another take on Teen Witch and a shitty plug http://iusedtolovethismovie.podomatic.com/entry/2015-08-12T22_24_07-07_00

[taylor anne photo 11311]

It's like these writers don't understand how reproduction works.

It's like they never saw Grease 2

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJGQgAniyho

[EllenM 943]

I weirdly got 4 kinds of sex ed throughout my schooling but two of them were in 9th grade with two different classes: The first in Biology where we went through the actual stages of conception to birth and watched that crazy ass video of a woman giving birth in the 70s, and then the "here are gross as fuck photos of all the STDs you could possibly get" in health class.

 

I didn't get four of them, but I didn't get sex ed until my freshman year of high school (I went to HS in the mid-90s). It was still largely abstinence-based, but that's what happens when you live in Texas.

 

Also being a Texan that's why I realized how weird it is that I got about 4 (the first was in 5th grade where the nurse came in and explained to all of us wtf was happening to our bodies now that we were in the beginning stages of puberty so idk if you can really count that or not) and then we got the 1 true abstinence talk in 8th grade. Actually the photo of STDs in high school might have also been abstinence-based but I can't remember anything passed the pictures that still haunt me till this day. Certainly have no memory of anyone ever mentioning the words "condom" or "birth control" so I think it's safe to assume they wanted us all to just keep it in our pants.

 

EDIT: Yep just asked my best friend who was in that class with me and she said she remembers it was all abstinence. Good ol' Texas.

 

You lucky bastards. There was a company that developed "realistic" dolls that you could program a pre-recorded rhythm of an actual baby. They recorded 50 babies over 3 days so the teacher could randomize the cycles. It had magnets in the mouth and crotch that would match when you fed it and changed the diaper. They gave you a car seat to carry it. My mom made me walk home up a hill carrying my backpack, diaper bag and a car seat with the baby in it.

 

I had to take care of a robot baby in Grade 7 for 3 days/2 nights. There was a part of the cycle that had a 45 minute fussy period where the only thing you could do was rock it but wouldn't stop crying until 45 minutes was up.

 

That first night at 3;17 am, my mom rocked the robot and my dad rocked me while I bawled, "I'm never having sex! I'm never having a baby..."

 

My little brother was so terrified by my experience that he took the 5-page paper option about the social and economic pitfalls of teenage pregnancy.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

 

 

 

 

 

You lucky bastards. There was a company that developed "realistic" dolls that you could program a pre-recorded rhythm of an actual baby. They recorded 50 babies over 3 days so the teacher could randomize the cycles. It had magnets in the mouth and crotch that would match when you fed it and changed the diaper. They gave you a car seat to carry it. My mom made me walk home up a hill carrying my backpack, diaper bag and a car seat with the baby in it.

 

I had to take care of a robot baby in Grade 7 for 3 days/2 nights. There was a part of the cycle that had a 45 minute fussy period where the only thing you could do was rock it but wouldn't stop crying until 45 minutes was up.

 

That first night at 3;17 am, my mom rocked the robot and my dad rocked me while I bawled, "I'm never having sex! I'm never having a baby..."

 

My little brother was so terrified by my experience that he took the 5-page paper option about the social and economic pitfalls of teenage pregnancy.

Jesus. Canadian sex ed doesn't fuck around, huh?

 

I had to do the egg baby thing in middle school, but that was much, much, MUCH easier.

[JUmberson 3]

Didn't they say "Dick Sargent from Bewitched" in the episode?

 

I didn't get four of them, but I didn't get sex ed until my freshman year of high school (I went to HS in the mid-90s). It was still largely abstinence-based, but that's what happens when you live in Texas.

 

I could have missed it since I listen while working, but I was pretty sure right after listening to the episode that it wasn't mentioned.

 

Also grew up in Texas. Pretty sure it's against state law to bring up contraceptives. This is also the state that had text books that publish stuff like this. Hooray for Texas education

[Cameron H. 23786]

 

There was a part of the cycle that had a 45 minute fussy period where the only thing you could do was rock it but wouldn't stop crying until 45 minutes was up.

 

That first night at 3;17 am, my mom rocked the robot and my dad rocked me while I bawled, "I'm never having sex! I'm never having a baby..."

 

 

Wait a second--did it have some kind of sensor to make sure you rocked it for the full 45 minutes? If not, why did your mother bother rocking it? Throw it in a closet and go back to sleep.

 

Jesus. Canadian sex ed doesn't fuck around, huh?

 

I thought this was Canadian Sex Ed...

 

 

For my part, I don't remember taking sex ed, and my parents certainly didn't talk to me about it. I guess I just have to cross my fingers and hope that I've been doing it right...

[taylor anne photo 11311]

You lucky bastards. There was a company that developed "realistic" dolls that you could program a pre-recorded rhythm of an actual baby. They recorded 50 babies over 3 days so the teacher could randomize the cycles. It had magnets in the mouth and crotch that would match when you fed it and changed the diaper. They gave you a car seat to carry it. My mom made me walk home up a hill carrying my backpack, diaper bag and a car seat with the baby in it.

 

I had to take care of a robot baby in Grade 7 for 3 days/2 nights. There was a part of the cycle that had a 45 minute fussy period where the only thing you could do was rock it but wouldn't stop crying until 45 minutes was up.

 

That first night at 3;17 am, my mom rocked the robot and my dad rocked me while I bawled, "I'm never having sex! I'm never having a baby..."

 

My little brother was so terrified by my experience that he took the 5-page paper option about the social and economic pitfalls of teenage pregnancy.

Oh we had robot babies at our school too but that was in an optional class. So only a handful of students had to do it.

 

My favorite story about that time, though, is when I was a sophomore and there was a senior in my French class who had the baby with her and told us how she really really wanted to get into a fight that day just so she could yell out, "HOLD MY BABY! HOLD MY BABY!"

 

Also my cousin had to do it during his middle school years and had to actually constantly hold the baby because there was some kind of chip that required this bracelet he had to wear be plugged into the baby for almost 8 hours a day. It was insane. He had to bring the stupid thing along when we went as a family to go see Coraline.