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FYI I laughed really hard at the idea of Space Jean Valjean. Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think the connection is to Guardians of the Galaxy, I think Starcrash is a prequel to The Greatest American Hero. School Teacher, Ralph Hinkley (later changed to Hanley because of John Hinkley Jr.'s attempt on Ronald Reagan's life) gets a red and black suit with a crazy amount of powers. But he doesn't have the manual so he doesn't know every power. Still, check out the link that allegedly attached. Mr. H bears a striking resemblance to Acton/Akron or whatever his name is. Both are curly-haired blondes in red and black costumes. I think the aliens who come down in the pilot of Greatest American Hero were inspired by Acton's unlimited powers and gave Mr. H the suit so he could do more good on earth. I'm also pretty sure Stephen J. Cannell was watching Starcrash when he got the idea for one of the most out there American TV shows of the last 40 years. Also, am I the only one who thinks George Lucas was like, "you know what, there was not enough skin in Star Wars. We're almost done with Empire, but when we get to Return of the Jedi I'm going gold bikini over black. Instead of taking a gorgeous woman and making her look like she's wearing a diaper, we're going to take a gorgeous woman and make her look great. It'll be Halloween costume for years to come." Who knows? Pics of Greatest American Hero

This movie was fantastic. There is such a deep and troubling Groundhog Day meets Misery in space vibe going on. The Facts: Akton knows the future: Clearly. He states as much. Akton is immortal: Chief Thor kills him around 36:40. Akton's eyes are open and he's on the ground. I'd assume Chief Thor knows a dead body when he sees one. More importantly, he stays down for awhile. Suggesting that when he dies he kind of 'resets' in place. Evidence that he's a kind of time being. The ship is also a time being: She ask's Akton why he messes with his powers and they share a sort of familiarity. I assume the ship brain's race has been enslaved by the Emporerf to power these ships. The Emperor is researching other time technology. My theory: Messing with time is illegal and Akton is apart of whatever authority policies time and who has access to what technology. Whatever the Emperor is researching is starting to get too advanced (i.e - being able to stop time on command). What Akton is doing is creating a scenario where the only option the Emperor has is to sacrifice all of his technology to win. That city is 'hope' as he calls it. Could he be trying to undo some major event for his people? So that's an A+ script. The twist: Akton doesn't just know the future. He's lived this section of time on repeat trying to make these events happen and as a result four things have occured: Akton is now a crazy person. Driven mad and is now stuck in a loop. Akton believes the only way out of the loop is to take the place of the Prince. Akton has fallen in love with Stella and fixates on her being an element of his escape from the loop. If he is to take the Prince's place then Stella should love him right? For some reason Elle knows to much. He's the one that recommends using Akton. As a result Elle has to die. Going deeper: Akton puts Stella in danger constantly when there is no need except to show he can save the day: Prison planet: Okay, but he lets her commit murder. Couldn't he have just told her to stay low cause he's working some inside contacts and they should be out in a few days? P.S - do not create a prison riot that costs many guards and prisoners thier lives? Amazon planet: This is the fist time it seems Akton wants Elle dead. Send him to a planet where everyone hates robots but might be nicer to a strong woman? Bravo. P.S - More murder. Ice planet: Okay, only reason to let these two go down is to once again demonstrate to Stella what an amazing hero Akton is. Also, hopefully the robot doesn't survive. Caveman scenes: This one is pretty good. Let the prince use up all of his eye beam energy and then come in with a light saber and save the day. The Hoff gets punked in front of Stella and the icing is Akton letting everyone know that he's figured out where they need to go. Bonus: robot is dead. Akton looks like Hoff. Curly hair. Same style of suit. So Akton isn't human and he's certainly trying to immitate humans: The Hoff is a good fighter? Welp then Akton better figure out the manly aggression thing and keep practicing by fighting Thor on every loop. The Hoff on one loop must have used his sword fighting skills to beat the robots.....so yup, Akton has been getting good at that too. Endless loops of fighting cavemen to get better. Even better that he can establish himself as the sword guy so all eyes turn to him at the end. Akton seems to really enjoy watching the suffering, confusing, etc. At 44:00 he's the one that disabled the ship and he just lets Elle and Stella waste time trying things and getting frustrated? Why? So there we have it: Akton is constantly putting Stella in emotional distress and saving the day to develop some bond. He wants to take Hoff's place but he has to be really careful because the overall mission must still be accomplished. Tricky stuff. Maybe that's why he was playing with his power's in the ship. NOTE: The _ship brain_ asks in a real judgemently tone "What is wrong with you?" when he's playing with his powres. She knows. She knows. Akton still loses in the end. So what does he do? Just dips out to start the loop again. Stella says he can't die, true. Akton says not to worry cause he'll live forever, also true. Rest of the movie is fine but it's the B plot. Akton dipped out to do another loop and the A plot went with him. - Went to see this live in Richmond, VA. Was very happy and very fortunate to grab a VIP ticket. I hope the trio remembers me as the only athletic six foot tall black nerd that awkardly shook thier hands and ran away. #fan-for-life

Hearing that the director and production team were basing this movie off of a Star Wars novelization makes a lot of sense and explains a lot of its crappiness. So much of what makes this movie exhausting to watch comes down to basic editing. As a visual medium, movies need things like establishing shots and travel montages to move the audience from place to place, whereas novels inherently don't. Take, for example, the trial scene, wherein we are standing before the Right Honorable Krang hearing Stella and Akton's hard labor sentence, and then smash-cut to Stella, in the mine, some indeterminate amount of time later, lugging space orbs around on a stretcher with the other slaves. There was no "guards, take her away" moment, no shot of her arriving at the mine, no Shawshank "fresh fish" scene, no nothing. A good movie would show Stella arriving at the prison with other prisoners, an establishing shot of the prison, and then the mine, and then show her working for some length of time before deciding to bust out, but Starcrash just has none of that. It was the same thing with the snow planet, when Stella and Elle get back to the ship to learn that Thor had betrayed them -- the movie doesn't even so much as show the damn ship taking off, leaving them abandoned on the planet. Thor walks off screen, and then smash-cut to Stella laying down in the snow to die ... for all the audience knows, the ship is still right there out of frame. But novels can get away with that kind of thing because it doesn't need to take the time to present the spectacle of the moment. Smash cuts aren't a problem with novels because you can reveal the shift in time along with all the other details that set the scene. In fact, I think this whole movie might work better as a novel: "Stella Star," bellowed Judge Krang,"you are hereby sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in the galactic acid mines." And with that, court was adjourned. *** Chapter 5 Stella's back and shoulders ached as she and the other slaves lifted the acid orb upon the stretcher and joined the queue for the hole full of dry ice. In this cheaply constructed soundstage that was her prison, time seems to slow to crawl. Had she really been wearing this same bikini every day for the last three months?

For a Star Wars rip off that features prominent bikinis I want to take a moment to remember my favorite ( and possibly only) Star Wars fact I know thanks to Carrie Fisher's fantastic book Wishful Drinking. Apparently George Lucas thinks space is an underwear free zone because "you go to space and you become weightless...But then your body expands??? But your bra doesn't — so you get strangled by your own bra." (This might be my favorite of many amazing parts of Wishful Drinking). Carrie wrote that was how she wanted her obituary to read. Drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra. I still think about that line sometimes because it's just so utterly Carrie.

Then look down and call me space Javert!

Yes, but space Jean Valjean might also be in there because he stole space bread for his family. How do you feel about that?

What should be a solid cast turned into one of to one of those movies that leaves you wondering ‘wtf am I watching‘ and how did all these acclaimed actors read this script and think ‘Yes. sign me up’. It would make more sense if this movie was made before they all hit it big but it was released this year in 2019 strung out Matthew mcconaughey mixed with an embarrassingly terrible southern accent from Jonah hill (- were the multiple simultaneous playful dick grabs necessary ?). Throw Zac Efron, Isla Fisher, snoop dogg and Martin Lawrence in there.....There’s a homelesss person pool party/pillow fight.. Basically I’m saying you could make an entire podcast based off the first 20 minutes alone .

I wonder if it's popular in Italian cinema because of that Saint (can't remember which one. Lucy? Cecilia?) who rips her eyes out so she'll never have to get married? Freaked me out badly. Glad I'm not the only one. I LOVE does the dog die so that I am at least prepared for the death of a dog, but I didn't know they could prepare me for this kind of thing. Thanks! Sorry it took me three months to acknowledge this.

Those Amazonian women were the same size as regular women.

Maybe this movie was what Lucille was talking about.

IT IS ALREADY STREAMING FOR FREE ON HOOPLA. This is two months after it first started streaming. Haven’t watched it yet, but will watch it soon.

But who shall space dream a dream for us?

We used to do a First Friday Art Hop with the other city departments where people could go around the city checking out local artists’ work. The attendance died down on in our location though so we stopped taking part in it. We ended up replacing it with my laser tag event and every other month now the signups fill out in 10 minutes, leaving me to wish for parents to start fighting on out entry ramp for the chance at a laser tag spot, similar to how the makers of Funzo wanted a trampling during a store riot on the Simpsons.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... This movie could have been pretty good if the director would have made the fight scene between Stella Star and the Space Amazons about two hours longer.

Likes are back is business!!!

I'd like to discuss the temperature on the ice planet. As Stella and Elle are about to go to the surface of the planet; Akton tells them to hurry because once the Sun sets the temperature will drop thousands of degrees. THIS IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Let's assume the planet is similar to the climate of Antarctica. Average Temperature on Antarctica ranges from -76 Farenheit (or -60 Celsius/or 213 Kelvin) to 14 Farenheit(or -10 Celsius/or 263 Kelvin). The coldest possible temperature acheivable, anywhere in the universe, also referred to as Absolute Zero, is -459 Farenheit (or -273 Celsius/or 0 Kelvin). Meaning, at -76 Farenheit, it is not physically possible for the temperature to drop more than about 400 degrees on the Farenheit scale. Now, it is possible for temperatures to change by thousands of degrees. Let's say the surface temperature of a given planet is 2,000 Farenheit(or 1093 Celsius/or 1366 Kelvin), it would be possible for the temperature to drop another 2459 degrees (on the Farenheit scale in this instance). I think we can all agree, though, if the surface temperature was 2,000 Farenheit(or 1093 Celsius/or 1366 Kelvin), our heroes would not only be incinerated, but a planet of that temperature would not be covered in ice but would instead resemble Venus (a planet experiencing a runaway greenhouse effect). So, unless they're using an entirely differenct temperature scale (which is not introduced), this movie just doesn't make sense. Just because of that one fact, though. Rest of the movie is on-point!

Maybe its not "Elle", but E.L.L.E, with some stupid ass cheap sci-fi name like Electrohumanoid Lunar Law Enforcer

Caroline Munro's voice was dubbed by Candy Clark...who is this week's guest on Unspooled. Coincidence??!? Probably.

So June only barely touched the surface of what we offer at libraries, as not only do we offer homework help and tutoring, we also have computer classes for all ages, coding classes, literacy tutoring for ESL students, and various programs like laser tag and what I just went through putting together over the last year, a comic convention. Plus, since I’m in charge of ordering movies for my library I make sure we have all the HDTGM best. I will also now say that considering Hollywood’s past of mainstream actors/workers like Timothy Hutton, Carrie Fisher, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone, appearing in pornos, and Bella Thorne directing one this year, I won’t be surprised to see Oscar winner Christopher Plunmer hosting next year’s AVN Awards to announce his partnership with Rocco Sifferedi in his starring role in Roman Big Titty Bukkake 54.

So, Stella Star is pretty much the main hero of this movie and subverts many gendered tropes in sci-fi and film more broadly. She is the best pilot, does most of the adventuring, rescues a prince (Hasselhoff), and Akton dies to advance her storyline (see: Fridging). So I ask, was this movie conceived as a feminist response to Star Wars (A New Hope), which famously doesn't pass the Bechdel test? (Stella's conversation with the Amazon Queen makes this movie pass the BT).

Fun robo-fact: the guy who did the voice for Elle in Starcrash went on to do the voice of Gizmoduck in Duck Tales. I apologize for knowing way too much about this shitty, shitty movie.

Had the exact same thought. Also, "a barren desert of whiteness", sounds like Scottsdale, AZ.

FUCKING FEMINISTS! GOING BACK IN TIME AND DOING GENDER SWAPPED REMAKES!! THEY DID IT WITH GHOSTBUSTERS AND THAT SUCKED, THEY DID IT WITH OCEANS AND THAT SUCKED AND NOW THEY'RE DOING IT WITH THIS?! THEY'RE FUCKING WITH MY CHILDHOOD!!!! This is Brie Larson's fault for some reason! Shit like this is why Trump got elected, and he's gonna win again, because of this fucking bullshit SJW Zardoz remake. We already had "Zardoz", there's no need for Female Zardoz and that's not me being sexist, but when they wanted a male Lara Croft, they made a different game, Uncharted, they didn't change Tomb Raider. Yeah, I get that that's what happened here, it's called "Star Crash", but look at it, thigh high boots, weird underpants, it's fucking Zardoz! MY THAT PERIOD IN TIME A FEW YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN! And, not being sexist, but Sean Connery looks way better in the thigh highs. But, they just don't see it, Ghostbusters flopped, Oceans 8 flopped, all these other movies I'm ranting about flopped, so that tells you something... People don't want that, people don't want politics being shoved into their movies! Even though that's basically how I make my money, by ranting about it every day. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe. Also, check out my Patreon, because YouTube demonetised me for no reason, all I did was call a woman a fucking bitch that should kill herself, that's not sexist, it's not sexist. If anything, I'd be being sexist if I DIDN'T call her a bitch, because I'm treating her like I would a man. Also, I'm running for election soon, so keep an eye out, I'll be talking about getting milkshake thrown on me, and how that just shows that I'm gonna win! (Stupid Jason ruined my joke, about a minute into the podcast).

I'm watching it right now with my homies and the first fight scene where a man lights someone on fire by lighting himself on fire first...is amazing.

This reminds me. Rollerball, an earlier Chris Klein flop, was released in 2002 and set in the sadistic dystopia of...2005. That has to be a record for shortest shelf-life.